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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have grounded my 21yo son

84 replies

asdx2 · 30/05/2010 16:54

Ds was brought home unconscious by a couple of his friends just after midnight having consumed in the region of 80 units of alcohol.
I have spent the whole night awake watching him to make sure he didn't vomit and choke or die from alcohol poisoning
Anyway once he was up I read the riot act, made him clean his room, strip the bed and make himself look presentable.I also told him he wouldn't be going out before next weekend bank holiday or not.
He is suitably chastened and shamefaced and hasn't questioned the grounding (I am by my own admission a strict parent).
Bit of background he is generally a delight, hard working with a responsible job in local govt. He has got drunk before but not to that extent and never to cause any disruption at home.
I didn't think I was being unreasonable because I have spent the night scared he was going to die but mentioned it to my friend earlier who said I was BVU as he is an adult and she couldn't imagine her 13yr old agreeing to be grounded
So thought I'd throw myself open to the wisdom of MN although can't imagine I'll let him off the grounding tbh.

OP posts:

CheekyPinkSox · 30/05/2010 17:26

He is still living under your rules, so there for you can ground him i would say.

monkeyfacegrace · 30/05/2010 17:30

This is ridiculous. He is 21, and has every right to get drunk. Fucking stupid, yes, but he is 21, its standard. If he was doing it regularly Id be worried, but you seem so shocked by it my guess is its a total one off. Im not far off 21, and if my parents treated me like this Id be disgusted.
And midnight? Hardly rolling in in the middle of the night is he?
Relax, check he is feeling suitably hungover , then laugh about it with him.

monkeyfacegrace · 30/05/2010 17:32

Forgot to add, if you act like this, next time he may not come home. He may pass out somewhere random and be in danger as he is worried about the consequences of coming home.

Original poster

asdx2 · 30/05/2010 17:35

Not shocked by him going out he's not normally home til 4am but shocked that he got in that state.
He looks awful and it is to his credit that he feels embarrassed by what he did.
That said he is normally great so have forgiven him and tomorrow we will laugh about it I'm sure.

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 30/05/2010 17:38

I'd have that discussion about your reaction being driven by fear for him rather than disgust at the drunkenness, but if he was a bit embarrassed, that's good.
It sounds as if you have a good relationship with him, it will withstand this.
If he feels like monkeyface, then it's time for him to move out and live an adult life.
He'll be so busy trying to find the rent he won't have enough left to booze.

Original poster

asdx2 · 30/05/2010 17:39

His mates brought him home and would do always because I am seen as pretty reasonable by them all believe it or not .
So don't think I have ever been unreasonably harsh even if I am strict.
Certainly these mates have been coming here for years and would never be worried to approach me for help if they needed it.

OP posts:

mumbar · 30/05/2010 17:39

actually in hindsight I would think his friends will give him more stick than you did !!!

Glad the shocks worn off and it's sorted. We all say things in the heat of the moment through fear so don't worry about it.

Original poster

asdx2 · 30/05/2010 17:44

Especially the two he vomitted on Dh took them home afterwards because the taxi wasn't hanging about for some reason

OP posts:

beanlet · 30/05/2010 17:58

I got married for the first time at 21. He's an adult. You can't ground him. On the other hand -- your house, your rules. If he wants to stay living with you, he has to abide by them.

Why is a grown man still living with his parents in any case? I simply don't understand why anyone with a job does this past secondary school; I ran a household of four unrelated women when I was 19, on student loans and part-time minimum wage jobs, so not exactly minted. I'm not that old -- this seems to be a recent thing, and I just can't get my head round it.

MrsC2010 · 30/05/2010 18:09

YANBU. Grounding may be an odd term to use, but while he lives in your house he lives by your rules. I lived at my parents for a while while I was at uni and certainly would never have abused their home to such an extent. I would certainly not have quibbled if I'd done so and then been disciplined. He can move out if he wants the freedom to behave how he wants with no repercussions.

CarGirl · 30/05/2010 18:17

He must be feeling soooooooooooooooo ill

itsybitsy08 · 30/05/2010 18:19

YABVU! He is 21 fgs! You cant 'ground' an adult You can tell him he needs to obey the rules of your house or get his own place if he works for local gov and has a decent wage coming in, but seriously, saying he cant go out!!!
All part of growing up, i bet he was like death warmed up and wont be getting that drunk again in a hurry
The hangover was punishment enough probably!

RunawayWife · 30/05/2010 18:20

He is an adult so I don't really think you can tell him he is grounded like a silly 13 year old, however I think you need to make it clear that he is not to behave this way in your home.

Original poster

asdx2 · 30/05/2010 18:36

We are sorted, he is feeling very ill and we have had a chat. He knows he scared me and we laughed about me grounding him although he has said he is grounding himself tonight as he feels like death
We will survive this it's just a blip we usually get on great and even after last night there are no recriminations on either side.
He has promised to be very helpful tomorrow to make up for me getting no sleep last night so will be chilling tomorrow whilst he cooks {grin}

OP posts:

mumbar · 30/05/2010 18:48

oh asdx2 make him really work we'll all come round for a BH feast!!!!

escorchio · 30/05/2010 18:48

I think, if he agreed to be grounded he knows he was wrong. He's probably really grateful you were there to keep an eye on him.

I don't think you are being a control freak. You don't want him to die, and behaviour like his could easily have led to disaster.

He's lucky you and his friends were there to take care of him, and I am sure he knows that.

iamamug · 30/05/2010 18:50

Glad he's ok - you have also obviously seen sense regarding the grounding - a bit of an over reaction but you were vey worried so understandable. I had a similar experience with my DS2 who is underage and was brought home by friends from a friend's party - very drunk!! I had to put him to bed and he puked out of his bedroom window while I was doing so - the next day he was suitably chastened and his first job was washing the front windows!! He hasn't had a drink since (although still underage but don't kid yourselves they don't all do it!) We are also strict parents but have always encouraged a fairly open relationship with our 3 boys and so they are not afraid to come back if they are in a state or call us if they need us (the older 2 are 16 and 20)
I have grounded the 16 year old an still would but wouldn't dream of grounding the 20 year old. I know I've got it all to come again in a few years when the little one grows up - Can't wait lol!

Gichin · 30/05/2010 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Goblinchild · 30/05/2010 19:30

Have you got teenagers Gitchin?
It's about agreeing house rules that suit everyone.
I have a nocturnal DD, she's allowed to cook at 3am because she's quiet.
If DS was awake at 3am, he wouldn't be by mutual agreement of the other three people in the house.
OH can only play his music loudly if no one is watching TV.
So it's more like a life skill, to enable them to be thoughtful and considerate house sharers or neighbours.

Goblinchild · 30/05/2010 19:31

Oh, and I cook curry for me when the house is empty because none of them can stand the smell.

mrsbean78 · 30/05/2010 19:33

Monkeyfacegrace.. don't be a bitch.

I came in absolutely smashed to my mother's house when I was about 21 and she gave me a royal rollicking for treating her home like a halfway house.

If he wants to get polluted, fine, do it. Yet he shouldn't expect to come in so drunk that he worries his mum half to death to the extent that she feels he needs watching. He should have crashed at a friends. He shouldn't drink like a 14 year old either.

Your comment that if his mum responds with worry and concern that she might 'force' him onto the street and a dangerous situation is just mean. So she should be worried, as a mum, about his drinking but shouldn't let him know because the very fact of her concern might make him behave with even less maturity and responsibility? He's either a teenager or a man, you can't have it both ways.

colditz · 30/05/2010 19:37

Hilarious! I would very much like to see my mother trying to ground my 20 year old sister - considering my SISTER owns the damn house and organises the mortgage payments, gas bills, electric bills and everything from the plumber to the vet for the dog!

he shouldn't have been at home with you, after 80 units of alcohol he should have been in hospital. And it should be up to him whether or not he does it again. He has no reason to argue with you about being treat as if he's 14, he must know in his heart that tolerating this ridiculousness is still easier than going out into the real world.

In short, unless he has a major developmental delay that you haven't mentioned in your OP, he acts like a child because you treat him like a child. The cycle will continue until one of you puts your foot down about it. He's an adult.

Treating him like a child is not awarding him the rights of an adult. You can't 'ground' him, it's actually false imprisonment under law. What are you going to do if he says "Yeahh.... I know you think I'm grounded, but I'm not keen on that, so I'll see you tomorrow if I get bck in time"?

Seriously - what right do you actually think you have?

DuelingFanjo · 30/05/2010 19:39

I think it's time for him to move out and get a flat of his own or with friends. As he has a good job it would seem possible.

mrsbean78 · 30/05/2010 19:39

Colditz, read the op's responses.. she said it in response to being a bit shocked by this incident, she doesn't really expect to imprison him!

colditz · 30/05/2010 19:40

Oh i see you've calmed down and sorted itout.

Well done.

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