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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my friends should have said something?

95 replies

mosschops30 · 28/05/2010 17:16

My friend just had ds2 for 5 minutes for me to pop to the shop.
When I got back he was as happy as can be playing with a little v-tech baby toy (hes 6 months).
My friend said 'oh he likes that take it home with you and bring it back when you want we only keep it here for babies).

Just as we stepped out the door her dd (4.2) started screaming that she didnt want the toy to come to my house, literally throwing herself on the floor screaming 'nooooooo i want it'!

Neither of them said anything so I said 'and next time you want to borrow something from me Im not going to give it to you'

I just couldnt help it, shes such a whiney only child and if that had been mine Id have said 'stop being so silly its a baby toy' or similar, I was that they just let her continue.

I know I was a bit mean, but Ive just lent her a cowboy hat for school etc and we always borrow stuff only live 4 doors away.

So AIBU?

OP posts:

winnybella · 28/05/2010 19:51

And all this talk of seeing the child POV etc- if you were always parenting in a way that your child would deem acceptable for him or her...well, you wouldn't have well-behaved children in the end, would you?

Jamiki · 28/05/2010 19:53

Pag - pmsl at 'wahahaant it', wish I could do that!

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 28/05/2010 19:55

Winnybella - you couldn't be further from the truth! My children are very well behaved, and I take them and their feelings and opinions very seriously!

If they saw something they'd not seen for a while, and didn't want to give it away, then I wouldn't give it away - it's not mine to give, however long it had been since they last played with it!

winnybella · 28/05/2010 19:58

Fine, but we're not talking about giving it away, we're talking about lending it for one night.

And I doubt that v-tech baby toy was the 4 yo's favourite toy.

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 28/05/2010 19:59

It still isn't up to the mum to lend it - it belongs to the child! And who bloody cares if it's the child's favourite toy! The fact is the child didn't want to lend it and it belonged to her!

skidoodly · 28/05/2010 20:02

Evening your wit with a 4 year old... pathetic really

winnybella · 28/05/2010 20:02

And I take my kid's feeling seriously as well- but it's a similar situation like when you need to get rid of/ put in the cellar some of the toys that your kid hasn't been playing with for ages. He'll throw a tantrum and be really upset. Do you give up and let him live in a room with no space clear of them?

And, yes , I make my kids (well, did, as ds is 8 and doesn't need my reminding him anymore and dd's just 16 mo) share. If your kid meets another and has a bag of sweets, you mean you wouldn't tell him to offer some to his friend? Really?

tethersend · 28/05/2010 20:08

I don't think it matters whether or not the child was justified in having a tantrum- even if she was being completely unjustified, you don't deal with her tantrum by acting like a four year old.

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 28/05/2010 20:12

Yes, of course I would suggest he shares, or eat them out of sight because it's rude and unkind to eat something nice in front of someone and not offer them some.

My children invariably share in that instance, in fact, without me forcing them to, they're very generous with their things.

They have somewhere private to put things they don't want to share, but are aware they like sharing things that belong to their sisters, so they are happy to share most of their things in return.

Children aren't born monsters, and I think that I would feel even more protective over my stuff if someone kept makign me share/give/lend my things to other people.

lazylula · 28/05/2010 20:27

One of ds' friends always wants to borrow a toy, it seems the in thing with their age group (4.6), I initially refused, fearing ds1 would not like it and become distressed but he actually casually said yes. I could have understood him not wanting the toy to go to his friend's home as there is a fear they may never get it back. That is a different sort of sharing than sharing sweets or sharing a toy in their own home. My friend gave me a dvd they had a duplicate of a few weeks ago, her dd (3.6) became very distressed so we let it go, then put the dvd in my bag when she was otherwise engaged! I certainly didn't tell her she couldn't borrow anything from us ect, just offered comfort!

mumbar · 28/05/2010 20:29

YABU to speak to a 4 year old like that...

BUT....

I know what is is like to be in the situation with DC's like that who go 0-60 in 2 seconds flat. I often have to bite my sarcy toungue

My DS 5.9 has had to give up toys to be packed away when friends DC 6.7 has thrown a huge tantrum because it's hers. Or stop playing computer because DC has thrown a tantrum when her go is up and it's been packed away without him getting a go

YANBU to want to say something as I often stand there not knowing whether to give something back or carry on.

FWIW I find it best to get down to child and say ' I am just going to borrow it for babychops tonight and we'll bring it back tomorrow.' If she then says 'NO' when she knows you are just borrowing it with a return date personally I would say ' OK if we aren't going to share things then I'd better take my cowboy hat back'. I know that sounds petty but children have to learn to share and learn it's a 2 way thing.

Conundrumish · 28/05/2010 21:36

Mmmmm, nice empathising with a 4yr old's emotions

mrsbean78 · 28/05/2010 21:45

I think the sheer Uness of this has nothing to do with the 4 year old.

I think it's to do with flagrantly disrespecting a friend/neighbour - one that you trusted enough to mind your own child - by second-guessing her handling of a parenting situation because you have some weird issue with her 'whiny only child'. And that you did so in such a ludicrously immature, petty, spiteful way. It shows you up.

MintHumbug · 28/05/2010 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

callmeDave · 28/05/2010 21:55

beautifully put, Humbug.

ageing5yearseachyear · 28/05/2010 21:57

i have a neice exactly like this,she is 7. It is not her parenting- it is her personality.

i do have to laugh though- she has had all my older dds stuff for years yet when her mum tries to give me stuff back for dd3 it is actually painful. To the point it really isnt worth it.

i do have some sympathy- i would be mortified if someone just giving away my stuff like that. she was also prob jealous of the way everyone was making a fuss of the baby.

yab a bit u ( i often have an urge to slap others rude children and have been known to be frank with them )

treas · 28/05/2010 22:00

Could you be any more condescending mosschops - who made you queen of parenting?

You lowered yourself to the child's level by saying what you did. Why didn't you just thumb your nose and stick out your tongue, nah, nah, da, nah, nah!

missingmevino · 28/05/2010 22:10

YABtotallyU

It was not your place to speak to the child about her behaviour. All you managed to do was give the child a bad example and show yourself up.

I would be very surprised if this family ever offer to babysit for you again.

Cloudbase · 28/05/2010 22:55

Yes, YABU, but to be fair, you did use an embarrassed face and admit that you were a bit mean, so I think you know that you were & so I think you are being overly flamed here tbh

Who knows what goes on in the mind of a 4 year old? - she might have been feeling insecure, or jealous, or just having a bad day. I do think her mum should have intervened or said something, and not just left you to deal with the situation, but I think you definitely made it worse and taught her a very poor lesson.

FWIW, my Grandmother gave away some of my DM's toys to an orphanage when she was around the same age - she didn't ask her first, or explain, just picked up the toys and gave them to the charity worker saying "Cloudbase Snr doesn't need these any more". My DM was devastated, never ever forgot it, and to this day is ridiculously possessive about her things. You just can't second guess children about their feelings, or jump all over them when they don't behave in a way that you expect.

Lucianne3 · 28/05/2010 23:12

YANBU

Y'all are bloody mad.

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