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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my DH BU about organ donation

105 replies

Hai1988 · 27/05/2010 21:47

Today i was in my local chemist picking up a prescription when i noticed a organ donation leaflet to register and i had been thinking about it for a while as my nan had a heart transplant before she died and it gave her an extra 20 years (she was 50 when she had the op)
I took the leaflet and took it home, when i got home i showed to to by DH and asked what he thought, and he point blank told me he didnt want me to register. I asked him why, and he said that i was his wife and he didnt want some1 else having part of me when the time came.
He wasnt being mean about it, it was kinda sweet
But i do feel quite strongly about this and now dont no what to do
What do you lot think??

OP posts:

comixminx · 28/05/2010 07:54

It's very important for your DH or other next of kin to be in agreement with your organs being donated if it actually comes to it - obviously any donation is a traumatic time and although it is handled very sensitively by the donation folks, the people left behind do have to make some hard decisions and answer lots of questions.

Your DH is being unreasonable and sentimental (and I second the comment about it sounding like he thinks he owns your body!). Many people get squeamish about particular things, especially corneas - the family of my friend who was killed in a RTA didn't donate them - but there's just so much that can be used to save people's lives or enhance their existing quality of living.

waitingforbedtime · 28/05/2010 08:06

Havent time ot read the replies but if you want to then register.

Its not sweet really tbh, I dont get it but am biased as a close family member has been waiting on a transplant forever.

RunawayWife · 28/05/2010 08:10

A: it is your choice not his

B: you are not his property

C: tell him if he ever needs a transplant you will have to let him die as you could not bare to have someone elses bits in him.

bigstripeytiger · 28/05/2010 08:12

I have been in many A+E situations where people are very seriously ill. There is no way that anyone would make any less effort someone could be an organ donor.
Even finding out if they were registered as a potential donor would be the last thing on anyones mind.

Meglet · 28/05/2010 08:16

I think your DH is BU.

I am totally intolerant of this have a bee in my bonnet about organ donation. If you're not on the list, then you don't get one when you need it. Religous reasons excepted.

Me and XP had a row about it as I pointed out how would he feel if one of the dc's needed a transplant but there weren't any organs available as people didn't sign up / couldn't be bothered .

RunawayWife · 28/05/2010 08:19

Shabba, you have a truly remarkable son.
Bless him. What a wonderful boy.

So sorry for your loss (s)

BigFatSepticToe · 28/05/2010 09:38

One of the most moving organ donor posters I have ever seen was in A&E, it was a drawing of a little girl laid in a hospital bed, with an arrow going upwards showing her as an angel, and an arrow going out from her chest towards another patients bed, with a love heart sign above it

the caption said

"dear Mummy and daddy, if I go to heaven and don't need my heart anymore, please give it to someone who does"

it made me cry, that a child of 8 could produce something like that.

very few people would not want an organ for their loved ones, refusing to be on the donor register is therefore hypocritical

there are countless heartwarming stories of people who in their distress have still managed to think selflessly and give organs, often to multiple recipients, saving other familes the heartbreak of loss

I am for an opt out rather than opt in system

Original poster

Hai1988 · 28/05/2010 10:57

Thank you for all you comments and shabba what a heart warming story :'-)

am still thinking about this long and hard, and yes i do have a young son who's 5 in sept.
I didnt evan think about wether he could go on the register, i dont think i could get a card for him tho, probley the idea that something cud happen to him

Like ppl said evan if i had a card my DH could override it if the time came, so i am going to try and talk to him and use some of your sugesttions

OP posts:

ln1981 · 28/05/2010 11:07

until my friend needed a heart transplant, the thought of going on the register really scared me (very irrational yes).
but its times like that you realise, people who were as ill as he was really do rely on the kindness and care of those who they will never see or know. and those people are very very special indeed.
the family who decided to let their loved ones organs be donated have no idea how much hope and happiness they gave to him and his mum, as well as any other families who received organs from that one person.

sadly my friend passed away 4 years ago, but we got to keep him for a few more years than we would have if he hadnt had it, and for that we will always be grateful.

thumbwitch · 28/05/2010 11:19

DH's dad lasted 20 years longer than he would have done without a kidney transplant - sadly I can't go on the register in Australia as I am potentially "contaminated" with BSE/vCJD. Can't even give blood.

follygirl · 28/05/2010 11:49

I have been registered as an organ donor for a few years and have recently convinced my dh to be one too. We have agreed that we would donate the dc's organs too.

I just don't understand what the problem is? You are dead, you're not coming back, so why can't you offer someone else the chance of living a normal life or at least prolonging it.

When my dad died we were devastated that none of his organs could be donated as he had cancer. Fair enough, but I would have found some comfort had we been able to do that.

follygirl · 28/05/2010 11:54

Shabba - your son is gorgeous, he has a real twinkle in his eyes!

misdee · 28/05/2010 11:56

someone was generous enough to donate their child's/spouses heart, so i have dh with me right now. without that person generousity at their own time of grief, i wouldnt have dh and we wouldnt have dd4. my other dd's would be without their dad.

misdee · 28/05/2010 12:00

ask him to watch this

and then this one

LittleSilver · 28/05/2010 12:01

Sorry,that is utter rubbish about HCPs not trying as hard if patients are on the register.
Actually, it's more than that, it's highly offensive, uneducated and plain irresponsible rubbish.

maktaitai · 28/05/2010 12:07

DH and I have been on the register forever. I have to admit that I sometimes have the shivers when I think about taking the responsibility for giving the go-ahead, were anything to happen to dh and ds, but it's just the shivers - not a reason not to do it.

TBH you asked your dh what he thought, and he told you. I would fill in the card and keep it somewhere it's often visible. Make sure he knows that you feel very strongly you want to be on the register. Ultimately if he has to make this decision, he may feel that he wants to go with your wishes, and that's all you can hope for.

Sativa · 28/05/2010 13:01

I feel so strongly about this; donation should be compulsory to help the living. What do we do with our dead bodies ? We burn them or stick them under 6ft of soil to decompose. People are so precious about what is effectively just a bit of meat. The soul, spirit or whatever you believe in has long gone. Think about it logically please !!

misdee · 28/05/2010 13:17

i dont think it should be compulsory, but i do think opt-out would work better than out current system of opt-in

Downdog · 28/05/2010 13:27

if you want to then please do register - it's an amazing thing to do.

He is BU!

BTW I have been registered for years but don't have a card to carry. I must look into that.

addictedisalmosthalfway · 28/05/2010 13:38

organ donation for some reason just makes me shudder, and i dont even know why because it helps so many people. but because of this i'm not registered. although i have made it very clear to dh and my parents that i'm not against it and as long as i dont have to think about it, when i die they can take my organs.

but then i shudder at the thought of having someone elses organs in me, so if i ever needed a transplant this is something i will have to get over!

for what its worth i think there should be an opt out option because then people like me who just dont want to think about it, but are not against it would automaticly be on the register.

gasman · 28/05/2010 14:45

I am a HCP. I work in ITU.

I can assure you that we try equally hard to save everyone. To say otherwise is, as others have said, quite insulting.

There is actually quite a lengthy process to go through before someone can be accpeted for organ donation which requires assesment by two independent and experienced doctors.

I, personally, find it very difficult when families disregard the fact that someone carried a donor card, and choose not to donate their organs. Legally they are allowed to do this but I have told my own family that if they do this to me I will come back and haunt them.

I've seen through various jobs the dramatic & positive benefits that a succesful transplant can achieve. I used to be squemish about corneal donation until I saw a few corneal grafts. They are AMAZING!

Sassybeast · 28/05/2010 17:16

www.uktransplant.org.uk/ukt/

this will answer any queries that anyone may have and hopefully dispel the myths which stop people being donors. It's a chilling thought to think that since the OP posted last night, 3 people on the transplant waiting list have died, or will be dying right now, without an organ donor.

Misdee your videos are amazing

IsItMeOr · 28/05/2010 17:57

gasman thanks for sharing. I was a bit about the people suggesting otherwise, but had no personal experience.

troublewithtalk · 28/05/2010 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MuffinToptheMule · 28/05/2010 18:36

I always carry my organ doner card with me and DP knows also that if anything were to happen to me then it's important for me to donate my organs.
When I originally went on the list I didn't want to donate my corneas (probably something to do with the 'eyes being the window to the soul'). I soon came to my senses though and realised how my corneas could improve someone else's life.

To the OP, it is your choice not your DH. I think an opt-out system would be very good.

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