FGS...WHY, WHY, WHY????

[EveWasFramed]

Is it assumed that if you post something in AIBU, then you are inviting a flaming or a fight?

Sometimes, people just wonder if they're being a bit silly, with parenting stuff or relationship stuff, etc. and just need a bit of perspective. Why is it a requirement that it will descend into an argument, when really, the topic just encourages people to give opinions???

I feel badly for OPs when posters exclaim, 'ooo, you're going to get flamed for asking, best go to another board'
Are opinions discouraged on the other boards??

I have no specific thread in mind, btw...it's just something I've noticed since I joined MN...and I don't really understand it, TBH.

Slate had an article on Elizabeth Loftus the other day - www.slate.com/id/2251881/ - a psychologist who looked at the failings of witness testimony. One of her discoveries was that the way you shape a question will directly impact on the response.

The same thing happens here - the question "Am I being unreasonable" is passive aggressive at best, it invites a negative response (in fact, it begs for a yes). It's a hostile gambit. It also frames the question. I am sure this forum would be much nicer if we asked, "How could I have handled this better?" or "Please help me, I feel terrible about this?"

But really, not every post in AIBU attracts flamers and slaters! A lot of the bad stuff is down to the OP, tone and content, especially when dripfeeding occurs.

Sometimes posters do post contentious ops when they are feeling shite - these are the ones I have seen suggested to be moved - because they are quite likely to get a bashing and they are already in a vulnerable state.

Eve - I didn't see the ones yesterday to which you are referring - have they been moved?

Welcome back Eve

What I will say is that I think half the problem would go away if posters frequented other parts of the boards more. I think the problem is that AIBU is by far the busiest bit of the board so people post stuff there that could be answered in parenting / behaviour / whatever - but they don't get the responses there so they go over to AIBU.

Maybe so, Rejessta. maybe should be called Can I Have Differing Perspectives On This Issue.
Not very zingy though.

Well, there is the WWYD - what would you do - section now for that, wukter!

The alternative, wukter, is that we all admit that we secretly enjoy the hostility... I suspect that many of us (though that's not an admission) find AIBU cathartic. What we really need is to open the floodgates, get that adrenalin flowing and get it all out there and take out our frustrations on an invisible stranger rather than our spouses, partners, children or relatives.

On the evidence of the recent discussion about dogs I'd guess that the AIBU forum probably prevented multiple incidents of domestic battery and spousal abuse. Who knows what would have happened if that puppy hadn't blown...

Getting my coat. I'm out of here before the silliness engulfs me.

I have posted loads of AIBUs.

I have yet to be flamed. People have been really supportive or very funny.

I have had people that think I am being everything from totally right, teeny bit U and VU. But only one weirdly mean comment in all the times I have posted.

Mind you I am fairly careful about what question I ask. Wouldnt get into anything regarding someone else's parenting, smoking, benefits, etc.

I usually go on there when I feel I have been buggered about (or when I have sworn at my newborn )

I LOVE AIBU.

"Sometimes, people just wonder if they're being a bit silly, with parenting stuff or relationship stuff, etc. and just need a bit of perspective"

Well if they are being a bit silly they will find out sharpish And AIBU is excellent at sharpening up perspective. There are boards for parenting and relationship advice. I see AIBU as a place to start debates which sometimes get heated.

If people post on AIBU they very clearly (in most cases) think that they are not being unreasonable and want us all to agree.
This doesn't happen because very often there is another side and people will say so.
The most successful are those who ask because they actually want to know, they listen and sometimes change their mind, or at least acknowledge that there is another point of view.
Where they get heated and the person takes umbrage is when the majority say 'YABU' and the OP won't listen to reason-however many people tell her! There was clearly no point in asking in the first place. Lots of people will not listen and then get all upset and have the thread removed or say they will hide it or that you have failed to read the OP.
If people want advice then AIBU isn't the place to put it.

I love AIBU.

It is what it is. It's scrappy. people are blunt. It's good to have a space like that on MN.

If you want a more sensitive approach, post elsewhere. It's not hard.

Also, when people post stuff like 'My husband is a violent, cheating twat but I luuurrrvvve him - AIBU?' it is really hard not to scream 'FGS, yes, YABVVVVU!'.

Bootlicker? That is totally awesome.

There are forums where it's all 'oh for fluffy bunnies sake!' and 'you total barstool'.

Thank fucking God for MN, I say.

I love MN and AIBU just as it is!

The great thing about MN is that you can switch off your PC, go to a different webpage. If you don't like AIBU, don't look.

I think there is FAR more bullying on the 'other' forum.

Its just incredibly passive agressive and bitchy. Awful and very hard to respond to. If you are blunt you get more of the same 'how you you be so unkind to x', 'If you are articulate you get accused of being snobbish' If you tell them to fuck off you get censored and then banned.

There are women on there who are masters at getting great, funny members barred while they stay on and post one offensive post after another.

Give me a bit of flaming in AIBU any time.

(please dont flame me for this elmo )