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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in not wanting this arrangement? Because I really don't.

74 replies

moominmarvellous · 27/05/2010 17:41

DD has started at a gymnastics and we live on the same road as the club. On her second week, I got chatting to another Mum who's son attends the same class.

In conversation it led to the fact that I live next door, so how ideal it is for me and since then, every week she comes to my house for 20 mins before the class with her children and gets her DS ready here, when theres a perfectly good changing room at the club.

I don't mean to be a grouch, but I don't see why she has to and I feel as though I need to have the place tidy for them to visit and offer drinks etc at a time when really I just want to get DD ready and go. Or likewise, if we don't want to go for some reason, what will happen then - will she still expect to come in just because my cars on the drive??

I don't want to be rude, but I can't think of a polite way to say that I'd rather they just went to the club to get ready as they did before we joined. Had a bit of a crisis last week with DD in tears when they arrived - all a bit hectic - but she still came in although it was obviously a bad time. I think she'll be back on Saturday, but I'd like to set the record straight without showing I'm a mean old bitch being rude. Any suggestions?

OP posts:

Butterball · 27/05/2010 17:43

I would just say, "It's been lovely to have you 'round before class this past while but I think now we'd prefer it if we just meet up with you at the club," and do it with a nice smile. It will be difficult for the other mum to do anything but say okay.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 27/05/2010 17:45

Ouch! I can see your dilemma here & really feel for you as it's a tough one.

I really don't know how you can go about this without causing offense.

TBH if you never suggested she come to yours first, even once, I think it's bloody rude of her to have ever just turned up!!

Good luck. I hope someone can give you some good advice.

cakeywakey · 27/05/2010 17:46

Oh, it's horrible when something becomes a routine and you don't want it to be.

Perhaps you could say that, although it's nice to have a chat before the class, it's affecting your and DDs daily routine and you're finding it hard to get x,y and z done, so perhaps you could just meet at the club and chat during the lesson instead?

Or is that a wussy cop-out? I'm not very good at this kind of thing either.

wukter · 27/05/2010 17:47

Could you call round to a friends/your mums and bring DD straight to gymnastics from there? You won't be in when she calls. She may get the hint at this point. If she mentions it casually say you often go round to round to your mums this time on Sat, don't apologise in any way, maybe she'll get teh hint here.
If not you will have to be rude direct.
I am a big believer breaking habits before they become expected. A little inconvenient next time but worth it I think.

thumbwitch · 27/05/2010 17:47

Send your DD to hers 30mins before it's time to go - let your DD get ready at hers, see how she likes it.

mangoandlime · 27/05/2010 17:48

How bizarre to just sort of invite yourself to someone's house like that. People are strange, as Jim Morrison wrote.

I'd just say, matter of factly, ''We'll meet you there next week, if that's OK?''

Job done.

thumbwitch · 27/05/2010 17:49

aw pants, I misread your op - thought you lived next door to him, not the club. Ignore my last missive - go with not being there instead.

MadreInglese · 27/05/2010 17:49

If you haven't invited her just be out next time she comes, pop to the shops or park or something, break out of the pattern

wukter · 27/05/2010 17:50

As you answer the door you could say, Do you think we could just see you both down at the club, we're up to our eyes here and I have a few things toi finish before I come out. Followed by a You Know How It Is laugh.

RiverOfSleep · 27/05/2010 17:50

I'd probably invite her to my house one more time - actually invite her- then the next time, get in touch and say 'bit hectic today - we're going to meet you there'. Then sort of repeat as necessary. Was she already a friend? Maybe it's a clumsy way of trying to make a new friend. Or she comes from a background where it's
not rude to just turn up at someones house.

Original poster

moominmarvellous · 27/05/2010 17:52

No I never suggested it. she suggested that she parked in front of my drive now she knew we'd be attending at the same time. THAT I agreed to.

It's not even as if our children are friends, they don't even speak to one another.

Butterball - Oh to be that brave!! I wish I could say that and be honest, but I think what I'm looking for here is a lie.....

ChunkyMonkeysmum - your post made me laugh, thank you for your sympathy

OP posts:

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 27/05/2010 17:53

If the weather is nice this Saturday, could you not be out in the garden & "not hear" the door ?!!

thisisyesterday · 27/05/2010 17:54

yep, def just be out

heth1980 · 27/05/2010 17:55

I think I would tell her you're going straight to the class from somewhere else next week (i.e you're visiting a friend before hand or something). Although I guess that may not work if she still can see your car on the drive..........I guess you will have to brace yourself and politely tell her that you've got lots of jobs to do before the class and will see her there.

LadyintheRadiator · 27/05/2010 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 27/05/2010 18:02

Develop some kind of house infection - fleas maybe - say you're having the house de-thingied (what's the word?) - fumigated and no one else is allowed in.

Or meet them at the door in full biohazard protection suits, with a spray in your hands to spray on them if they insist on coming in, to decontaminate them.

Casserole · 27/05/2010 18:06

Wot Riverofsleep said.

RiverOfSleep · 27/05/2010 18:09

When she first did it, did she ask to come in? Maybe she rang your door intending to double check it was still ok to leave the car there - if you're anything like me I find it impossible not to say 'hello! Come in' when I open the door even if I didn't want them to come in.
And then she could have thought it's what you'll always be doing. I wouldn't assume she's definately being rude. I can still see your dilemma though and would want to break the habit but stay friendly. She
might actually be really nice and you could end up helping each other out in future.

ProfYaffle · 27/05/2010 18:18

Now, you see, if I were the other Mum I'd have a bit of a dilemma about what would be the polite thing to do after parking on your drive. Wouldn't just walking off to the club look rude? I think I'd probably ring the bell to say hello, check it was still ok etc.

Maybe next time you could say to her "Don't feel you have to come in, just leave your car and we'll see you in the club. It's pretty manic here must be awful trying to get your dd ready in this chaos, I won't be offended you know!"

Original poster

moominmarvellous · 27/05/2010 18:44

No, we're not friends, I've just realised, I don't even know her name!! The thing is, she doesn't park ON my drive, she just parks on the street in front of it so I'm blocked in. I think she's just doing what suits her, regardless of me. Last Saturday she left the club without even saying goodbye. I couldn't give a hoot if she says goodbye or not, but it gives me the impression she's just using me as a more comfortable waiting room! Once the session is over, so is any semblance of friendship iyswim??

I think the general concensus is to not answer the door, although I actually WILL have to go into the garden because DD shouts 'MUM THERES SOMEONE AT THE DOOOOR!' and she can be heard as I have been informed by several jehovah's witnesses/charity people that I have tried to avoid (you see? mean old bitch!!).

DH just suggested a corker; that he say to her when she comes this week that some money went missing from the house last week - now while he doesn't for a moment suspect it was her, she'd be better off taking herself out of the equation

Not in a million years would I allow him to say that, but it would certainly do the trick!

OP posts:

Funkycherry · 27/05/2010 18:50

Be ready to leave as soon as she turns up next time. Don't let her in. Just grab your bag and keys, leave the house and walk back up the drive with her. Then she can't get ready at your place, but she'll still have enough time at the club.
Maybe add some comment about 'I'm sooo glad I was ready this time, usually I'm up to my eyes in it 20mins before class.'

LadyintheRadiator · 27/05/2010 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fireupthequattro · 27/05/2010 18:51

If it's convenience on her part, and you Dc's aren't friends then I agree with the OP's have a bit of clutter by the front door and say,"sorry, we're right up against it here, meet you in the club in a half hour..,bye now!" and shut the door.

If she's thick skinned enough to be such a using cow then it won't offend.

LadyintheRadiator · 27/05/2010 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

moominmarvellous · 27/05/2010 18:56

Yes, it is, was just about to say that. I'm going to do a combination of all suggestions, a different one each week, until she gets the picture.

If she doesn't get the hint by then, I'll be forced to take the honesty route......well, honesty in some form.

OP posts:

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