To wonder why MIL never wants to spend quality time with her GC's?

[everytuesday]

ok bit of background

We have 3 DCs (including 2 step). DSC are at our's every other weekend. We both work full-time. There seems to be an arrangement whereby MIL comes to our house, about 5.30ish, every other Tuesday. During these visits, I will cook dinner while my 2yo follows me round the kitchen/throws tantrums/takes everything out of the cupboards etc etc (so basically typical 2yo stuff) while MIL either wanders around my house for a nosey or stands aside with tales about the latest dress/shoes she's bought/the latest holiday she's booked or how she's decorating her house (me me me type stuff). If you're wondering where DH is in all this, he's either not home yet or has just got home/getting dressed or whatever.

During these visits she will never take DS out of my way/play with him/cuddle him, or anything like that. We will then eat dinner, and either I will clear up dishes or get DS ready for bed, while DH does the other (cue MIL still doing the above chitchat). After I have put DS to bed, she will stay for about another half hour, with more of same chitchat

On the weekends we have the DSC's she will invite herself and her husband down to lunch/dinner on a Sat (or very occasionally, invite us to their's). So again during these visits, the time revolves around me dashing round the kitchen while stopping 2yo doing 2yo type stuff, then clearing up etc etc. So I guess the main point I'm making is that these visits do not involve MIL spending quality time with DCs, and involve more work for me (if you're wondering what DH is doing on these visits, he is most likely trying to entertain DSC's who have by now got bored of the adult chitchat)

So I'm thinking that if MIL wants to see the DC's on weekends, then really we should be suggesting that maybe she'd like to take them somewhere (btw she is not old, and she is very active and drives). We are not looking for babysitters (just as well really!), but I really do not understand who is getting what from these visits. So AIBU?
We have offered for her to have the DC's at hers, and for her to take the DC's out somewhere, but have not been taken up on the offer

DH agrees with me that it is indeed very odd that she doesn't seem to want to spend quality time with the DCs, yet will moan about not seeing much of the DSC. It's almost as if she likes the idea of being the doting GM, but actually the reality of seeing the children is for her a little dull. If that's the case, then fine, but I feel we therefore need to make sure that the visits are not all on her terms and moreover don't involve so much extra hassle for us when we have little free time ourselves

"We have offered for her to have the DC's at hers"

MY PIL don't want to spend time with their grandchildren
They just don't.
I spent years trying to figure it out, find an arangementthat suited them, activities thatthey would enjoy. I believed if I could just find a conduit for them to spend time together...
I didn't. DS1 is 17 now, DD is 7.

They are TEACHERS (!) in their late 50's , early 60s both retired, time on their hands, live 15 mins away.

Nada.
they are just Not Interested.

Stop worrying about it , it can't be helped and trying to make it work will drive you mad and achieve nothing

you can't make her want to spend "quality" time with your dc or dsc, it's her decision
also she may consider that what she currently does is "quality" time in her book

stop trying to be in charge and you'll be a lot happier

Maybe she's not very interested in children - lots of people aren't, including grandparents.

Have you ever suggested she might like to entertain her grandchildren somewhere out of your way whilst you get on?

At least she doesn´t ignore you/knock you down in her haste to get past you!

My PIL are both teachers and my mother was a pre school teacher for 15 years. They have no interest in their grandchildren at all and never phone, visit or anything. PIL see grandchildren approx 4 times a year and live 30 minute drive away.

We've given up trying to get them to spend time with the DCs, they're just not interested and won't change.

Think it's very sad for them and for the DCs.

At least your MIL visits regularly even if she doesn't seem interested.

She's seeing them, seeing the new things they've learned to get up to, seeing how they are growing up, but from arms length and that is enough for her.

That seems to be enough for my PILs too, really. MIL was here to 'help' when DS2 was born, but TBH she was very little help with DS1, although she did help around the house and with meals.

I don't really understand it either, as my family (who rarely get to see them as they are too far away) just want to be completely hands on. Different strokes, etc.......

'It's almost as if she likes the idea of being the doting GM, but actually the reality of seeing the children is for her a little dull'

I have a MIL who is like this. She finds our visits incredibly disruptive/stressful, and the DCs exhausting, and makes this transparently clear -- but as soon as we've got home she's on the phone booking us in again. It's all about the idea of family, rather than the chaotic reality. I think it's so she has something to talk about when she bumps into friends at Morrison's.

If you can find a way to engineer a more satisfactory situation, do it, but if you're hoping she's suddenly going to get all Playmobil on your ass, you are on to a loser

My DF/SM are kind of like your MIL. All gush about wanting us to come and visit, but don't actually take any notice of the DC when we do or play with them or talk to them. They are much more interested about adult chit chat about their own lives.

I wouldn't bother trying to make your MIL show more interest in your DC, you really can't force it.

My mum is like this. Endlessly moaning that she doesn't get to see enough of our children, constantly hassling us to arrange the next visit.

But when we do see her - she'll sit on the sofa with her coffee and talk about herself while the kids (8,5, and 2) wander off to play.

In contrast to MIL, who I don't get to see so much of because she'll be too busy playing with the children.

Guess which GP gets to see more of the gcs?

Although I think that maybe my mum will get on better with them as they get a bit older, especially if I arrange for her to have them one at a time.

ronaldinho "you can't make her want to spend "quality" time with your dc or dsc, it's her decision
also she may consider that what she currently does is "quality" time in her book

stop trying to be in charge and you'll be a lot happier"

The thing is, I don't really care if she doesn't want to spend time with them at all. The issue is that she says she wants to do this and comes to my house, needing me to make food for her etc without spending the time with them. If she was not spending quality time with them but also not giving me extra work to do then I'd be more than happy with that, believe me

carmelita "I think it's so she has something to talk about when she bumps into friends at Morrison's" - lol, that made me laugh.

Really though, there probably is truth in it, and similarities with my MIL

My mother is like this, lives 3 hours away and complains endlessly to all and sundry about how she would love to see the gcs more and how unfair it is, which is just yet another ploy by her to gain sympathy.

When she comes to stay she does nothing with said gc's, she watches her tv programmes, turning off films etc that they may be watching, she talks about her, her and her, and if we're not talking about her, she'll change the subject to ....you guessed it HER, including telling 4 yr old ds1 how her other babies dies etc etc (insert any personal or inappropriate tragedy/illness to share here with 4 yr old and dh 'did you know my vagina is so dry, its old age')

Im going to stay this weekend, driving 3 hours with 3 dcs in tow and she said 'will a sandwich be ok for evening meal' I'll remember that next time she comes to stay.

Just ignore it and think of what theyre missing, they cant ever get the time back

Well I suggest you ask her to help you, or to keep the children out of the way.

Or perhaps she´ll be better when they´re older?

My MIL was always nervous about getting on the floor & playing with them so really wasted lots of opportunities.

Then we moved abroad & they have never visited so droning on about missing the children falls on unsympathetic ears now tbh.

They even refused an invitation to spend Christmas with us!

My parents are a bit like this, they love "seeing" the dcs, literally. Changing them, playing with them, washing them, disciplining them, feeding them and generally coping with them these are all tiresome tasks best left to us . They want to be with them but only when me and/or dh are there too to do the graft.

My mum begged us to go and stay recently which we did. It was nice and to be fair she made all the food despite offers from us. But they never offer to do bathtime or stories and when they babysit me and dh will be dashing round like loons trying to get them in bed and us ready before the taxi arrives whilst they sit on the sofa and drink tea.

i do think it's hurtful when families don't muck in with the dcs to be honest. i'm not talking full time childcare but the odd overnight, few hours here and there, getting up with them when you stay with them or vice versa so you can have a bit of a lie in, esp if they're healthy and fit (which my parents are). The lack of support from my mum has really affected the way i feel about her as she promised the world when I was pg with dd (which i didn't expect) but the opposite has been the case. This was also during a bout of horrible pnd after dd, no support whatsoever.

it's crap but you have to try to get your head around it. All I know is that I'm going to be actively there for my dcs when they have them, esp dd during pg childbirth and the early months. I don't want her to feel as unsupported and abandoned as i did. And even if it is hard work and irritating you're helping your family and you can hand them back once you've done it1

mosschops at the vagina story

My Pil are like this. They live a couple of hours away. Mil does make a bit of an effort when they come to stay (never more than one night) but it is not much. Fil sits and watches sport and reads the paper. They have probably spent a max of an hour alone with the DCs. They do however do loads for DH's nephews who live about the same distance away (inc taking them on holiday!).

We don't like going there much as the DCs are not happy and never sleep well. We also feel we are being judged on their behaviour as compared to their cousins. Our DC can be enthusiastic but they are totally normal children

Recently, they went on a two day arranged trip to a place about 30mins away from here and did not even suggest meeting up at any point. I appreciate that the days were arranged but I had thought that they would ask DH at least if he wanted to pop over in the evening.

Anyway, the point of this rant is that they will always only do as much as they want. You either have to accept it or continue to upset yourself.

minx that's a shame you don't get any help or support. It is difficult. My parents are unable to help as they live abroad, so I don't get any support either. I know what you mean about it making you feel different about them - I feel the same about MIL, and therefore increasingly less inclined to accept these silly visits

My ILs were quite old when dcs were born, so FIL had to restrict his interaction to having them in the house, talking a bit to them, sometimes holding them on his lap, eating meals in their company, just generally having them around- the sense that they were together as a family.

Perhaps I am easily pleased but to me this was quality time.

I remember playing on the carpet while my granddad read the paper, again, this was being together time.

I am wondering a bit if you are using the expression "quality time" to make it more about your dcs when what you actually would like (and perfectly reasonably) is to ask MIL to help you a bit more. Why don't you go for it? Ask her!

cory "My ILs were quite old when dcs were born, so FIL had to restrict his interaction to having them in the house, talking a bit to them, sometimes holding them on his lap, eating meals in their company, just generally having them around- the sense that they were together as a family"

My MIL doesn't put DS on her knee, or read to him/talk to him, that's the point. In fact she pretty much ignores his existence when in my house. And she is not old, at all (she spends her spare time at the gym doing aerobics and clothes shopping for example)

So glad to have read this thread! I was starting to take it personally that my MIL doesn't seem to want to spend any time with my DS. Ridiculous I know but I'm glad to see others feel a bit upset about this too.

MIL lives 2hrs drive away and is very active/fit etc, and has seen DS maybe 6 times max in the 18mths since he was born. We'd be happy to travel to her if she showed interest in seeing DS, and have invited her to ours many times but I give up now of asking. Think I need to accept that she's just not that into him .

We'll be moving to the other side of the world in a couple of years and I used to feel guilty that we'd be taking her GS away but now tbh I don't.

My MIL is like this. She likes having grandchildren (has 6 in total so far) and boasting about them, but doesn't like actually being with them. She openly (and frequently) says that she finds small children dull and irritating, and that she has 'done her time' looking after children (she had 4 dcs) and has no wish to repeat the experience.

When she comes to visit (lives 3/4 hours away) she sits, reads, drinks vast quantities of wine, and then complains that my dcs are disturbing her reading. I once left her in charge of ds2 (had to take ds1 to hospital) and came home to find her with her head in a book, the house trashed, and ds2 covered in poo and screaming with hunger (hadn't given him lunch despite me asking her to). Never again!

joeypotter - that's a shame

TBH I'd be happy to have just seen MIL 6 times a year, rather than have her demanding free meals and my spare time every other week

They sound very similar to my pil, so i don't really have any advice. My PIL don't even visit though, or talk to me. BUT when DS was born, MIL managed to change her shifts at work so she doesn't work weekends by telling her boss that i was returning to work and needed her to babysit every weekend.. She's never babysat one weekend, ds is 2. It is their loss.