To wonder why MIL never wants to spend quality time with her GC's?

[everytuesday]

ok bit of background

We have 3 DCs (including 2 step). DSC are at our's every other weekend. We both work full-time. There seems to be an arrangement whereby MIL comes to our house, about 5.30ish, every other Tuesday. During these visits, I will cook dinner while my 2yo follows me round the kitchen/throws tantrums/takes everything out of the cupboards etc etc (so basically typical 2yo stuff) while MIL either wanders around my house for a nosey or stands aside with tales about the latest dress/shoes she's bought/the latest holiday she's booked or how she's decorating her house (me me me type stuff). If you're wondering where DH is in all this, he's either not home yet or has just got home/getting dressed or whatever.

During these visits she will never take DS out of my way/play with him/cuddle him, or anything like that. We will then eat dinner, and either I will clear up dishes or get DS ready for bed, while DH does the other (cue MIL still doing the above chitchat). After I have put DS to bed, she will stay for about another half hour, with more of same chitchat

On the weekends we have the DSC's she will invite herself and her husband down to lunch/dinner on a Sat (or very occasionally, invite us to their's). So again during these visits, the time revolves around me dashing round the kitchen while stopping 2yo doing 2yo type stuff, then clearing up etc etc. So I guess the main point I'm making is that these visits do not involve MIL spending quality time with DCs, and involve more work for me (if you're wondering what DH is doing on these visits, he is most likely trying to entertain DSC's who have by now got bored of the adult chitchat)

So I'm thinking that if MIL wants to see the DC's on weekends, then really we should be suggesting that maybe she'd like to take them somewhere (btw she is not old, and she is very active and drives). We are not looking for babysitters (just as well really!), but I really do not understand who is getting what from these visits. So AIBU?
We have offered for her to have the DC's at hers, and for her to take the DC's out somewhere, but have not been taken up on the offer

DH agrees with me that it is indeed very odd that she doesn't seem to want to spend quality time with the DCs, yet will moan about not seeing much of the DSC. It's almost as if she likes the idea of being the doting GM, but actually the reality of seeing the children is for her a little dull. If that's the case, then fine, but I feel we therefore need to make sure that the visits are not all on her terms and moreover don't involve so much extra hassle for us when we have little free time ourselves

My MIL is exactly like this - always desperate to come and visit but spends her time here reading the fecking paper . Drives me bloody mad.

DS1 needed a nappy change last time (the lounge stank!), I was upstairs looking after DS2 and when I came down she didn't say a word, carried on reading the paper. When I said, "smells like you need a nappy change A", she said "oh yes, smells awful in here".

She is definitely one of those GPs who just wants to boast about her grandchildren - she phones/emails to find out what they've been doing so she can compare to her friends' grandchildren. Drives me mad.

Give her jobs to do. If you keep asking her to do stuff then she may realise she isn't being helpful, or choose not to come. You could hide the paper or say "I thought you'd come to play with the kids, you can read the paper at home" if she opens it up. Unless everyone is sitting round reading and kids in bed then making a fuss about visiting someone and sitting reading the paper is rude anyway. Different if you're staying with someone for a few days, then you'll need some personal time out, but not with a brief visit.

Hi eddie - yes I seem to remember you having some issues similar to mine! Unbelievable

2rebecca - yes I definitely need to be more direct. Hints really don't work when someone has a hide as thick as a rhinocerous!

Let me know how you get on with being more direct! I find it so hard to say anything to her - she also insists on doing all the cooking (she's a really bad cook!) which means even more time away from the kids.

I've told dh that when they come this weekend I'm doing all the cooking, tidying up the kitchen, etc, in order that she can spend time playing with the GC that she wept over not being able to have for five years (my IF issues). She made me feel like the world's worst DIL in that time cos I couldn't give her the one thing she "so desperately wanted". Now she's got them she's not interested!

Still, look at it this way allnew, these women are helping us see how not to do it so we can be great MIL when our time comes!

eddie that's scandalous - imagine trying to make you feel bad for her not having any GC . V selfish woman!

To this day I've only ever been direct with her twice (and was v proud of myself on both occasions )

1. I'd just got in from work, cue cooking dinner for everyone while DS screamed at the table (then in highchair). She said to him 'there she is leaving you again after being out all day'. I walked over to the table, lifted DS out of highchair saying to him 'come on DS, we're not staying here to listen to any more of your silly GM's nonsense, let's go upstairs'. Cue giggling from DSC and silence from MIL and DH!

1. When we were moving house recently, my parents had very kindly offered to come over to look after DS for the day. MIL, feeling that her nose was well and truly out of joint, said she'd come down and bring some food with her. I said no it's ok we're getting takeaways anyway and she said 'but I wanted to see the house'. I just said well you can see the house next week, I can't have anyone else round or it will be like Piccadilly Circus

I should do it more often really. May not get me anywhere but at least I get to vent

No way would another woman be cooking in my kitchen unless I wanted them to do it. Helping is fine. I became a wife and mum older though so was probably older and stroppier than someone who married in their teens. I'd also lived alone for a few years so was used to being the boss in my own house, maybe different if you go straight from living with parents to living with husband and having inlaws pop round.
I'd happily let anyone who wants tidy up the kitchen though, but if you want the space from the kids than directing her to play with them is fine.

I have a similar MIL. Instead she comes to stay with us for a week every 6 weeks (we live in Spain).

However, what I do is when she is here, I pop out for a few hours so that the childcare falls onto her.

That way I get a break and she has to interact with her grandchildren.

I have two children, 5 year old and 4 year old. My parents and my in laws could not be more different. My parents look after my children 1 day a week (whilst I work), take them on day trips, do playdoh, painting etc..

My PIL on the otherhand, have never spent any time with the children apart from family events (birthday parties). They live about 4 hour drive. When they visit (usually for a birthday party or something), they turn up on the dot and leave when the party has finished to "go on holiday"! [Hmm]. They have never offered to help when the babies were born and my FIL didn't meet the youngest until he was 6 months old!!

I really don't get it. I know deep down they love them but they are just not very maternal/paternal. They don't call the house to speak to the children, they have never offered to look after the children and they don't really have much of a relationship with the children.

I find it very strange and at first very upsetting. Now I have got used it and I am glad they have one set of grand parents who offer them quality time.

My MIL used to ask what time they should come over on the kids' birthdays.

I'd say, well, the party's at such and such a time - blank and slightly distressed look from MIL - I'd say, well, it's not unheard of for GPs to come and help at their GC's parties you know - response: 'We'll come in the evening then.'

They don't even ask any more, we get a visit the previous weekend with a card and whatever present we've reluctantly asked them to buy/money - much easier for them.

I don't get this at all, so she doesn't live up to your expectations of a GP.

Why should she only see the DCs if she is going to take them out?

IMO You don't have children with the expectation of people having certian roles, did you consult with her as to whether the timing of your pregnancy suited? No? So why expect her to do things your way?

NEWSFLASH - MIL damed if you do damned if you don't unless of course you can read your DILs mind.

This is coming from someone who does actually have a mental MIL.

abatinabunk - "Why should she only see the DCs if she is going to take them out?

IMO You don't have children with the expectation of people having certian roles, did you consult with her as to whether the timing of your pregnancy suited? No? So why expect her to do things your way?"

If you've actually read my posts, you would have realised that the issue is that she doesn't actually want to see the children, only to have adult conversation with me/DH when the DCs are in the house. She doesn't have to take them out (well maybe out of the kitchen while I am making her dinner), and in fact she doesn't actually have to see them at all. My point is that, given she only wants to visit my house for me to cook her dinners and listen to pertinent points about her personal life, then in would be more convenient for me to choose when these occasions should arise and how to make them better suit us as a family. If she absolutely insists in coming to my house when all DCs are there (again her choice, not mine), then I should also be able to exercise some choice in how these visits go

You seem to be in a bad mood - no need to shout!

and to add some context - there is a park at the front of my house, literally within 15 metres. DS's favourite thing in the world is to go to the park. Guess there's no-one there to talk to about the latest fashions though

Hey AllNew - Is that an AllNewAttitude I just saw up post vis a vis the MIL?!

Well done you. Good start. Hope the not cooking dinner till you and DH want to eat is working out.

Nope no bad mood here, does everyone who disagrees with you have to be in a bad mood?

I still don't egt your issue. She doesn't act the way you want her to, it isn't a crime. Nor is it a crime to want to see people without having to take their children/ GCs or not out.

mine turn up twice a year (if we're 'lucky') with beloved DNiece in tow, drop their bags and fuck of to debenhams - I've about given up trying - their loss

trophy grandkids

not a crime, no. Neither is it a crime for me not to cook her dinner when uninvited or suggest an alternative time that suits me better

The bad mood suggestion was linked to your use of capitals (aka shouting) and your ridiculous question as to whether or not I asked her permission to get pregnant. Not really a rational question imvho

table - yes, new attitue (that's the plan anyway!)

Allnew - I think it would be perfectly reasonable for you to suggest she comes at a different time/that you all go out together etc. (whatever is most convenient for you).

Ultimately she is doing exactly what suits her (and will carry on doing so) so you should feel no guilt in doing the same.

No one is saying you shouldn't do those things. Expecting her to take the children out or not visit is unreasonable though, she's not doing anything wrong

The question was rational, in comparison to your expectations IMO which you did ask for.

Actually, just LOL

minipie that isn't what op said she asked would she be UR to suggest 'that maybe she'd like to take them somewhere ' and 'We have offered for her to have the DC's at hers, and for her to take the DC's out somewhere'

Which is completly different to suggesting they do something together or that MIL comes at a different time, neither of which are U.

yes, abatinabunk, because she complains incessantly about not being able to spend enough time with the DSC. We were trying to help - god forbid, but have come to realise that spending time with them is not actually what she is wanting to do. As others have cottoned onto, she is the sort of woman who likes to portray the image of someone who would dearly love to spend more time with the GC etc, but actually has no real interest in doing so

Anyway, shall agree to disagree with you on this one and take the advice of the majority on the thread

Bat, I know that's what her OP said. And I agree with you that you can't force, or even expect, someone to take an interest or look after your DCs - even their grandparents.

But I think her view has moved on since then.

Last line of her OP was:

"...actually the reality of seeing the children is for her a little dull. If that's the case, then fine, but I feel we therefore need to make sure that the visits are not all on her terms and moreover don't involve so much extra hassle for us when we have little free time ourselves."

I think that's the position she's got to, no?

Daughter doesn't get on with MIL. What a shock.

allnew, I'd be tempted not to cancel the Tuesdays just yet: they're presumably shorter visits and thus a bit more informal. Instead, I'd try picking up DS with a sweet little oh-so-helpful smile on your face and shoving him in to MIL's arms, saying "Oooh, would you mind just taking him next door and playing with him while I make you tea. Thanks, that'd be really helpful." I think it's important to remind her that (a) you're being nice and making her tea and (b) she's family and should be helping. I wouldn't make excuses for why you're asking eg kitchen's too dangerous etc, cos it lets her off the hook for her behaviour.

Good luck, whatever you do! Both MILs have varied between being wildly helpful and sitting still with moronic looks on their faces just watching while DCs cry / bang into things / crap themselves / need other types of help over the past three years.

My favourite little revenge happened last week on hols with the PILs tho. MIL volunteered to look after the DCs each morning so we could have a lie-in. Day 1, she was super-enthusiastic. Day 5, not so much. Day 7, she gave me a filthy look as we knocked on the door to their room at 6.30am. BUT -- she didn't volunteer to me, she did it to her DGS, who is 3, entirely without guile, and simply expected that Grandma would of course do what she promised. So she had to suck it up. Was marvellous.

Instead of asking her "could you help with the kids please" give her a particular thing to do for example.

I need to sort out the potatoes for dinner whilst I do this would you ready this book for GC?

I need to get dinner sorted whilst I am doing that would you do this jigsaw with GC

I need to put on laundry whilst I do so would you change GC nappy (ok perhaps not first time)

But some people need it directly given to them

Lonnie, I agree - if I ask mine to do something specific then MIL will do - FIL on the other hand is a whole other ball game