To wonder why MIL never wants to spend quality time with her GC's?

[everytuesday]

ok bit of background

We have 3 DCs (including 2 step). DSC are at our's every other weekend. We both work full-time. There seems to be an arrangement whereby MIL comes to our house, about 5.30ish, every other Tuesday. During these visits, I will cook dinner while my 2yo follows me round the kitchen/throws tantrums/takes everything out of the cupboards etc etc (so basically typical 2yo stuff) while MIL either wanders around my house for a nosey or stands aside with tales about the latest dress/shoes she's bought/the latest holiday she's booked or how she's decorating her house (me me me type stuff). If you're wondering where DH is in all this, he's either not home yet or has just got home/getting dressed or whatever.

During these visits she will never take DS out of my way/play with him/cuddle him, or anything like that. We will then eat dinner, and either I will clear up dishes or get DS ready for bed, while DH does the other (cue MIL still doing the above chitchat). After I have put DS to bed, she will stay for about another half hour, with more of same chitchat

On the weekends we have the DSC's she will invite herself and her husband down to lunch/dinner on a Sat (or very occasionally, invite us to their's). So again during these visits, the time revolves around me dashing round the kitchen while stopping 2yo doing 2yo type stuff, then clearing up etc etc. So I guess the main point I'm making is that these visits do not involve MIL spending quality time with DCs, and involve more work for me (if you're wondering what DH is doing on these visits, he is most likely trying to entertain DSC's who have by now got bored of the adult chitchat)

So I'm thinking that if MIL wants to see the DC's on weekends, then really we should be suggesting that maybe she'd like to take them somewhere (btw she is not old, and she is very active and drives). We are not looking for babysitters (just as well really!), but I really do not understand who is getting what from these visits. So AIBU?
We have offered for her to have the DC's at hers, and for her to take the DC's out somewhere, but have not been taken up on the offer

DH agrees with me that it is indeed very odd that she doesn't seem to want to spend quality time with the DCs, yet will moan about not seeing much of the DSC. It's almost as if she likes the idea of being the doting GM, but actually the reality of seeing the children is for her a little dull. If that's the case, then fine, but I feel we therefore need to make sure that the visits are not all on her terms and moreover don't involve so much extra hassle for us when we have little free time ourselves

mrsjohn - it seems there are a lot of these types around. How on earth did they manage to parent themselves?

prammy - snap, my MIL has never babysat once in 2 years

I've made up my mind now - when she invites herself over next, I will say that she is very welcome to take the DCs out for the afternoon as I have x, x and x to do, but otherwise that it really doesn't suit as I'm too busy that day to be doing lunch for 7 (an alternative would be to say, great, and I'm going out so you can look after the DC's, but really, she is so nosey that she'd be into everything if I left her in the house!)

I am the OP btw!

Why do you feel you can't be more direct with your MIL when she visits on Tuesdays and ask her to help? For instance, if you are cooking dinner, why not hand her a book (or three!) and say something along the lines of "While I am wrestling this very hot casserole into the oven, could you please read some stories to X as I am worried he will get burned if he stays in the kitchen with me?" Do you think she would refuse to do that much?

Or if they invite themselves over at the weekend say "Great, because dh and i desperately need to go to B&Q/the kitchen shop/birthday present shopping so it will be lovely to have you here to watch the children for an hour"?

MrsJohnDeere that is shocking - have only ever heard of one story worse than that.

My friend's dad's second wife continued to sit in her deckchair reading a magazine when friend's little son fell in a swimming pool next to her when she was supposed to be minding him. She was the nearest adult to the toddler and did NOTHING. Friend had to bolt across the garden and jump in to save her LO. Stepmum was fit and in early 50s so no excuses except being a mental bitch. Think she hates my friend cos she can't have kids herself (but won't give up on having IVF well into her 50s - think she's had about 10 goes).

annh - maybe I should be more direct and say that. I would physically need to close the door though as DS barely knows her and would just run back in to me otherwise! I guess also partly I resent having to come home from work and cook someone (who I have not invited) tea and then wash up, instead of having a relaxing time with DS (normally DH and eat after DS has gone to bed, but if someone has invited themselves for tea I feel obliged to cook I suppose)

Another one here with uninterested pil. It's particularly hurtful since I have no family at all.

If mil does speak to the dcs her conversation consists of such gems as "Do you like Waitrose? They have a very good wine section." This was to dd age 6. Generally if the pil do visit (rarely) mil follows me about wittering about neighbours/the hairdresser etc and actively avoids being left in the same room as the dcs. Never ever has she played a game with them, or cuddled them. Very sad.

Hello, Im fairly new at posting on here but am glad I read this post cos now I know it not just my PIL's who are like it .

My PIL go on holdiday for about 6 months of the year in total (they have a holiday home).

My DS is 8 and MIL has never once taken him anywhere or had him for holidays etc. They live about an hour and half away so they always come for the weekend. FIL does make some effort but MIL just acts as if he is a hindrance and will rattle away about her latest purchase or holiday as soon as she walks in the house (me me me), watches telly or reads magazines. They can go without seeing or speaking to him for months on end. Then when they do see him they dont make a fus of him at all.

They never buy him anything other than birthays or xmas (they are very well off). They do babysit ocassionally if we ask them.

I have given up and am just thankful he has doting GP's in his other GP's.

My DS is now wise to her and does not bother with her either. It their loss.

MIL was a dedicated housewife and kept an immaculate home and cooked excellent meals for her offspring. But I suspect that was it. When I visited with mine the only toy was one travel solitaire which they took turns with. The garden was immaculate so not allowed to play there either.

Though she did love cuddling babies.

Selfish, imo, this not putting themselves out for their children or grandchildren.

Glad so see it's not just me then

gramercy - lol at 'do you like waitrose?' to a 6yo

allnew

Its not just you at all, there are many many families out there who have unsupportive and or disinterested grandparents.

LOL indeed at , "do you like Waitrose?" to a six year old.

My mother told me when I was much younger that she was never going to look after any children I had because she had been there and done that and did not want to do that again. She has stuck to her word. Nowadays she continues to clean my childfree brother's house. She feels more comfortable with doing this rather than interact with other people. My mother has no friends.

Infact I now do a tally of how many times they have been over here this year for any length of time (say an hour plus rather than their usual ten minutes because my Dad says to her that he wants something to eat). Grand total - one and that was in February.

As for the inlaws, well they like the idea of being grandparents but that is where their involvement begins and ends. They are both very selfish people as well. As another poster succintly put it, " its something for them to talk about when they come across someone they know at Morrisons".

attila that's a shame about your mum. When I (hopefully) have DGCs I will be falling over myself to find ways to help out, having not had any help myself

Saw something that made me laugh the other day at MIL's house. There was a sign on one of the walls (presumably a present ages ago) that said 'Warning - grandchildren spoiled here by grandma'. Haha - very funny indeed

Maybe buy/borrow a nice garden toy or something and next Tuesday just politely ask-"MIL It would really realy help me if you were to take th kids out to the garden and supervise them on the slide/boules/sandpit/paddling pool for me while i sort the kitchen-i'll get it done a lot quicker with them out of the way, it woud be a great help then we can have a nice chat after, It's so nice that you are here and I really appreciate your help"

I always found that my MIL needed to be directly asked.

Well, perhaps that´s sometimes best.

If they do something on their own initiative they are "interfering" or "spoiling the routine"-in a way that a mother wouldn´t be of course!

OP-not saying that that applies here but maybe she does nothing rather than be accused of doing the wrong thing?

diddl but if we say "would you like to take DGC to the park", then I doubt she refuses in case taking them to the park is construed as the wrong thing

My mother couldn't be accused of interfering because when she's at my house she whoops DS into her arms with joy, plays with him, helps me make food - my MIL stands aside talking nonsense while DS clings to my leg as I dash around the kitchen. To my mind that is interfering - if she wasn't there, I would be playing with DS instead of making her food

Yes but perhaps your MIl feels uncomfortable helping out in your house?

My Mum would wander into the kitchen & help but MIL never would.

Also-why cook tea for her if she isn´t invited?

Pick up 2yo, plonk him in Grandma's arms and say "Would you mind taking him out of here and entertaining him for a bit, I don't like him in the kitchen when I'm cooking as it's dangerous. Thanks!"

If you don't ask, you don't get. Maybe she's just one of those people you need to be quite direct with?

pjmama you're probably right. I guess being 'direct' comes unnatural to me because it feels rude, but it probably is what's needed here

diddl - I could see what you mean if MIL was not also happy to wander round my house, including into bedrooms, opening things and then commenting on my new shoes. I kid you not, I came home from work one day (DH was home before me that day) and I'd had a box delivered from amazon. The first thing she said to me was 'they're nice red shoes you bought'. I was so .

These are surely not the actions of someone who is scared of 'interfering' by helping to peel a carrot, for example

I would follow your usual routine - you say you and your DH normally eat later, so only make tea for the kids and not her and say you are eating later. She will have to fit around you if you've been at work all day, you've got enough to do when you get home without cooking for her too.

My PIL's are rubbish too. They live 2 1/2 hours away and we saw them for the day on Sunday for DS1's birthday party and that is the first time we've seen them this year! It really gets me down and DH gets really upset about it and tbh it eats us up a bit and I know we should just accept that is the way they are but its hard.

allnew, now the weather is warming up, don't feel you have to cook. Give everyone a picnic tea when mil comes round, where everyone reaches to and helps themselves to what they want. Just buy the things and cut them up, stick on a few plates, easy and quick.

Regarding the nosing into your bedroom and opening your parcel, I'd have had to say a word to her because that is plain rude. DH should have a word with her too, does he actually not care that she does these things in his home? I agree with other posters that you need to start directing her as to what you'd like her to do, if you keep her busy at yours she will have less snooping time!

But snooping & helping aren´t the same thing!

Perhaps she doesn´t want to help you in the kitchen then.

I might be wrong, but one extra doesn´t make much difference.

But that´s not the point.

If she drops in & it´s not convenient, you have to tell her, or limit her time and do the meal after she has gone or get her to do something with the children so that she is not in your way.

My husband already owned his house before we married.
ILs had a key-they used to come over once a week & FIL would do some DIY, MIL would clean & have a meal ready!

So the first visit after we were married she made a big thing of handing the keys over-"well,I shan´t be able just to let myself in now, so I won´t be needing these"-obviously hoping her son would say "oh don´t be silly"-& she nearly fell over when he said "oh thanks-just leave them on the side"

But it did set the boundaries of it now being our house& that they would then be visitors when it was convenient to everyone.

So, to cut to the point, I think as others have said, you need boundaries & a regular arrangement.

My PILs live reasonably locally (30 mins drive away), but thankfully we don't see them often - although lately they've taken to turning up on Sunday afternoons 'for a cup of tea' - cue frantic cake-baking and hoovering on Sunday morning, so DH and I can sit round the table for two hours trying not to weep with boredom while the DCs watch telly in the other room.

In the 15 years since we've had DCs they've been unstintingly distant and just not bothered about actually relating to their grandchildren.

TBH, this side of parenthood has come as a sad disappointment but it does seem to be shockingly common; my own mum is better in that she's a more vibrant, lively person and she does seem to take pleasure in the DC's company - but she is better left to herself with them as she does like to spend the day doing her crossword and taking naps if I'm there to do everything else. And she only visits two or three times a year as her real passion is her friends, who cannot be let down or cancelled ever even though she sees them several times a week and talks to them on the phone daily.

Sorry this isn't helping your sitch at all, but thanks for the opportunity to vent .

lol ourlady - yes, it's good to vent! you PIL visits sound very familiar

Based on everyone's advice, I think I will try to knock the tuesday visits on the head. For a number of reasons I find this routine restrictive and would prefer something more flexible in any case. When she visits mid-week in future I will say that DH and I are eating later, rather than bother making food early for everyone with the associated hassle. DS rarely wants to eat after nursery anyway

She has now invited herself round next weekend for lunch when DSC are at our's. I will say that it would be much better if she could come in the afternoon instead, and that it would be great if she could take the DGC out, as they will be bored inside as I have to wait in all afternoon for the plumber to come round (true)

Your MIL sounds like my grandmother. Basically, she likes adult company, not childcare. (Definitely not the messier bits of childcare). In fact what she really likes is an audience.

If your MIL is anything like my GM she will get more interested in spending time with the kids as they get older, more adult-like, and are able to be a more appreciative audience . (She still won't do any of the messy bits though).

I think your approach sounds sensible. If you haven't invited her for dinner then don't bother doing her dinner if it's inconvenient. Grandparents should esae your work not add to it. If she has come to expect a meal phoning and telling her you won't be doing a meal for her in future as you eat later stops her wondering what is going on. I also agree re asking her to take the toddler away and entertain him whilst you are cooking.
If she invites herself round and it's inconvenient you have to be as direct as her and just say no that's not convenient as you plan to.
I wouldn't want a weekly visit anyway and find it odd she doesn't come when her son is there if she's not bothered about playing with the kids.