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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really p'd off with her?

57 replies

ChezzaB · 25/05/2010 19:59

Ok so I've posted on here before about the MIL and got some flaming for it but here I go again... kind of more of a rant really!!!
Sat in the front room this afternoon trying to calm DS2 down and get him to sleep, knock at the door, think is a sales man as we not expecting anyone! Anyway DP answers door with DS1 and suddenly I hear MIL DP already slightly annoyed cos me and him had just had a small barny but there were obviously words exchanged between them where she has said she doesn't see the kids enough to which DP answered that she should make more of an effort then!

Then she's bloody crying, saying well I have to text every time I want to see them and then most of the time you are too busy for me to come round! she also says that FIL has hardly seen DS2 at all, DS2 is 9mo and to be fair we are obviously alot more busy these days with 2 children but they hardly ever text and ask to come round compared to when DS1 was little so I don't understand! It seems she has a problem with texting first, but then she text today but didn't actually wait for a reply before coming round and then was pi**ed off when she got here and couldn't see DS2 as he was trying to sleep! If I'm going to see someone I would always text or call first to check they were in and ok for visitors is that not just common courtesy? This is the 2nd time she has come round crying to DP and complaining that she doesn't get enough time and I think she was shocked to see me home as I generally work weekdays, I also don't think she expected DP to argue back so I'm not really sure what will happen now!
Ok rant over now!!!

So AIBU to be really annoyed, it's not the first time she has annoyed me and I have said to DP that she can come round and visit only when I'm at work and he's not cos I just don't want to see or talk to her at the moment!! I know this is VU but she had just pushed me too far this time! Ok rant really over this time!

OP posts:

mumblechum · 25/05/2010 20:02

Sorry but I think YABU. She obviously doesn't like to text too frequently as doesn't want to impose.

Why can't you just invite her maybe once a fortnight or get her to take the children out for an afternoon?

rubyslippers · 25/05/2010 20:07

YABU

sounds like your MIL wants to see her grandchildren

i appreciate you are busy

do you have a problem with her? you say it;s not the first time she has annoyed you ...

agree with mumblechum - set a time/date every couple of weeks and then everyone will be happy

CarGirl · 25/05/2010 20:08

Can you not just initiate visits with her, perhaps she feels unwelcome to even ask via text? Invite her over with a weeks notice ie would you like to come over next week for a cuppa we're free Tue all day & Thurs afternoon?

ScreaminEagle · 25/05/2010 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RunawayWife · 25/05/2010 20:17

YABU poor woman!

PiscesLondon · 25/05/2010 20:25

hmmm.... is there some history with the 2 of you? has she been a bit overbearing or something in the past?

i don't particularly like it when i have visitors and they haven't text or rang to check it's ok, for the simple fact that the house is usually a tip! so i can see that you'd rather MIL rang or txt first. YANBU for that.

i have a set day were MIL comes and has DD, she takes her out for a few hours or stays at my house with her (it's the day i go to college so i'm not there) it's a nice arrangement for us all and even when i'm not in college over the summer we will stick to it as it makes me, DD and MIL happy. could this not be an option for you?

if it's just a case of her doing your head in and you don't really get on, then YABU. she is their grandmother and has a right to see and spend time with her GC's.

Original poster

ChezzaB · 25/05/2010 20:26

We have invited her for coffee in town etc so she can see the children out and about etc and she has always said no!!! She is an older lady and not really able to take both children at the same time so she never really takes them out which is why we invite her out with us. I've maybe not explained myself very well cos am so angry but we have made an effort!

I know she does want to see the children but she is making it sound like we are making it difficult for her deliberately which we are not!! It all stems from her letting herself into our house when DS2 was 6wo because we hadn't answered to doorbell and then getting annoyed when DP told her it was out of order! This always gets bought up now that we were horrible to her. So maybe she does feel unwelcome but would you really do that!!!???

I don't have a problem with her per say but she has annoyed me before with things that she says and does but I've never really acted on anything that she has done I just rant on here and bite my tongue when she comes round.

Maybe I should be a bit more forgiving though and make more of an effort! I'm just stubborn and think she has more time to make an effort as she is retired and has all the time to make arrangments etc! Ok so that is a bit petty!!!

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 25/05/2010 20:30

can you guys arrange a set day for you IL's to come visit the children (when you're not there)?

swordinthestone · 25/05/2010 20:32

She just wants to see her grandchildren. I think you should let her see them - so what if a 9mo's nap goes astray - his granny who loves him is more important.

diddl · 25/05/2010 20:37

She is not able to take both children-so what?

When tiny mine never saw ILs without us.

And how did she let herself in?

Original poster

ChezzaB · 25/05/2010 20:39

DS2 was actually really tired and screaming so on this occasion I think it was necessary for him to have this nap! It's not that we're not "letting" her see them it's the fact that it wasn't a good time! You're probably right fuzzy I think that will be the way forward!

OP posts:

saslou · 25/05/2010 20:39

I think it is reasonable to expect people to phone before coming round, as you may well be busy/putting kids to bed/arguing with dh and so not up for visitors. I would also have a problem with my MIL letting herself into my house (in case DH and I were 'busy'. Would not want to look up and see MILs smiling face). Thing is though, she is feeling left out and it is great that she loves your dc and wants to be involved. Think you need to be very clear in asking her to call you first, but make definite arrangements for when she can regularly see the dc. It might be a PITA for you (you have my sympathy as I too have had MIL issues) but your children will benefit

PiscesLondon · 25/05/2010 20:40

if you've been inviting her out for coffee and such and she's declined, maybe you could ask her to come to your place once a week and watch the children for a couple of hrs whilst you and DP have a meal out or do something together? a compromise will have to be made somewhere along the line. it seems as though she just wants to pop round whenever, which i suppose is fine every now and again, but i don't blame you for not wanting it to be all the time. i think a set day per week for a few hrs could be the best option.

Greenshadow · 25/05/2010 20:42

"We have invited her for coffee in town etc"

That's not quite the same as a cosy family get together at home is it? Children aren't relaxed and playing happily on the floor. If I was a granny, I wouldn't be happy with that.

diddl · 25/05/2010 20:43

It is reasonable for people to make an arrangement first.
But it sounds as if she feels you are always saying no so she felt she just had to come round.

And I´m not surprised she was upset if her son was "off" with her-due to an argument with you.

SalFresco · 25/05/2010 20:46

Hmmnn. I think YANBU, but then I am influenced by my experiences with my own MIL. I know if I described them, most people would probably say I was BU, and that she just wanted to see her grandchildren. But people who know my MIL recognise that her behavious is much more passive agressive than that. She prefers to make a fuss about the fact that she doesn't get to see them, rather than actually see them. SO, we will repeatedly invite her round, and she will decline all invites on the grounds of being busy. Then, she will phone and ask to come round in 30 mins, knowing that chances are we will be busy and she can then tell everyone she never sees her GC's and doesn't know why. Or, she says she wants to take DS1 out for the day and although the idea fills me with dread I say fine, let me know when suits you as she works part time and volunteers, and I am happy to accomodate her - but she never does. And actually, I would be pissed off with DS2's nap being disturbed; he is 7 months and hardly sleeps night or day, so it would be a real pain.

Sorry, went off on a me tangent. But the point is, on the surface it sounds as if she just wants to see her GC. But why create a drama about texting first? It's hardly unreasonable, with 2 small children, to give advance notice of a visit.

comewhinewithme · 25/05/2010 20:48

I fee really sorry for your MIL .

QSnondomicile · 25/05/2010 20:50

I think yabu and a precious trouble maker.

Would you behave the same with your own mum?

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 25/05/2010 20:50

It's reasonable to want a text / phone call first to check it's okay, and she does sound a little intense, but I think you are being a little bit unreasonable. She probably is going about it all the wrong way, but she does sound as though she wants to see the kids.

I would have a set day where she can come and see them, or you go over there.

Original poster

ChezzaB · 25/05/2010 21:01

Diddl She let herself in because she had a set of keys that we gave to her when I was PG so she could let herself in if I went into labour and she needed to gain access if DP was at work as she was taking me to hospital.

Also we don't always say no but yes we are busy people! We both work full time and then like to take the children out as much as possible so they are not just stuck indoors all the time! DS1 is a bit of a handfull he's 2yo and like I said she is nearly 70 and can't really keep up with him! I'm not saying this is a reason for her not seeing them but I don't feel like I can leave them both with her!

OP posts:

diddl · 25/05/2010 21:07

But what has leaving them both with her got to do with anything?

And she probably let herself in thinking that would be helpful.

Make a proper arrangement with the poor woman & take your keys back!

Original poster

ChezzaB · 25/05/2010 21:12

QS if my mother did what she has done then yes I would do the same!! I don't know why you would say I'm a trouble maker I think that's pretty harsh! we have tried to organise times for her to see them but it's her look out if she says no! Regardless of where we were inviting her to, if she was so desperate to see them then surely she would go anywhere to do so!!! We have tried to set up for DP and dc to go to hers but she won't put her dogs in a different room while they visit and one has already "nipped"ds2 so I won't let them go round there, simple!!!!

OP posts:

QSnondomicile · 25/05/2010 21:12

You are not the only person with a busy life, but most people are STILL able to find time for the grandparents of their children.

You have the afternoon free every day, AND the weekend, by the sounds of things, and just because she is elderly and cannot provide a free babysitting service, you should not punish them for this. It should still be possible to find the time. You dont HAVE to go out on activities every day. VIsiting grandma is also an activity, you know!

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 25/05/2010 21:16

Why do you keep saying you won't leave them with her? What's that got to do with anything? Can she only see them if you or your partner are absent? Can't you take them to her and stay with her while she sees them?

Original poster

ChezzaB · 25/05/2010 21:17

So you're telling me that you'd be happy with someone just letting themselves into your house!!!! She didn't know if we were in or what we might be doing!!! Keys have been taken back, unfortunately I can't make a proper arrangement as my shifts change weekly so I can't say well come round on this day at this time every week as sometimes it isn't possible!

OP posts:

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