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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really p'd off with her?

57 replies

ChezzaB · 25/05/2010 19:59

Ok so I've posted on here before about the MIL and got some flaming for it but here I go again... kind of more of a rant really!!!
Sat in the front room this afternoon trying to calm DS2 down and get him to sleep, knock at the door, think is a sales man as we not expecting anyone! Anyway DP answers door with DS1 and suddenly I hear MIL DP already slightly annoyed cos me and him had just had a small barny but there were obviously words exchanged between them where she has said she doesn't see the kids enough to which DP answered that she should make more of an effort then!

Then she's bloody crying, saying well I have to text every time I want to see them and then most of the time you are too busy for me to come round! she also says that FIL has hardly seen DS2 at all, DS2 is 9mo and to be fair we are obviously alot more busy these days with 2 children but they hardly ever text and ask to come round compared to when DS1 was little so I don't understand! It seems she has a problem with texting first, but then she text today but didn't actually wait for a reply before coming round and then was pi**ed off when she got here and couldn't see DS2 as he was trying to sleep! If I'm going to see someone I would always text or call first to check they were in and ok for visitors is that not just common courtesy? This is the 2nd time she has come round crying to DP and complaining that she doesn't get enough time and I think she was shocked to see me home as I generally work weekdays, I also don't think she expected DP to argue back so I'm not really sure what will happen now!
Ok rant over now!!!

So AIBU to be really annoyed, it's not the first time she has annoyed me and I have said to DP that she can come round and visit only when I'm at work and he's not cos I just don't want to see or talk to her at the moment!! I know this is VU but she had just pushed me too far this time! Ok rant really over this time!

OP posts:
Ineedmorechocolatenow · 25/05/2010 21:20

Nope, wouldn't be happy with that. Get your keys back and it won't happen again.

Surely you get a few days notice in terms of your shifts. You just have to factor in that, at some point in the month, you have to make time for her to see the kids with you there if she's physically unable to look after them without you there.....

HappySlapper · 25/05/2010 21:22

Hmmm. I have issues with my mil - at least I did before I separated from her son but I do think YABU. It seems that whatever is suggested to you, you find a way to be obstructive.

Just let her see them, and it will make her happy! It's not the end of the world if the afternoon nap or whatever is disrupted - you seem a bit pfb about them to me.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 25/05/2010 21:23

'Regardless of where we were inviting her to, if she was so desperate to see them then surely she would go anywhere to do so!!!'

Why does she have to jump through so many hoops to see them?

If the dogs are the reason, then just invite her round, minus the dogs, and stay with her while she sees the kids.

caramelwaffle · 25/05/2010 21:23

Yes yabu

sungirltan · 25/05/2010 21:23

yanbu. i hate it if people turn up unannounced too often its v annoying.

but...she just wants to see the kids. i think you need to make peace with her and make things work somehow. maybe you could ring her up and invite her to your house to see the kids soon and just have some tea and talk it over.

Original poster
ChezzaB · 25/05/2010 21:25

I don't expect anyone to provide a free babysitting service which is why I send and pay for dc to go to nursery rather than to my mother (which was offered)! I know I am not the only person with a busy life but as I have said in previous posts we have made an effort and we don't always say no!

The reason I say I can't leave dc's with her is because ppl have mentioned her taking them out so I am just saying that I can't!

OP posts:
wukter · 25/05/2010 21:25

Maybe you should invite her over once a week or a fortnight, she can watch the children while you cook dinner.
She gets time with the children and the oppurtunity to "help", you get to do a few chores in the kitchen and don't have to spend much time with her yourself. Then you all, inc DH, have a lovely family meal. The visit ends at the bedtime hour after dinner.

wukter · 25/05/2010 21:26

opportunity

supersalstrawberry · 25/05/2010 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 25/05/2010 21:28

ChezzaB - Personally, I don't think YABU to be p'd off with her for a) turning up without texting or calling first and b) letting herself into your house when you didn't answer the door.....this would piss me off too.

However I do think there are some issues that need addressing here. Your MIL is clearly upset & feeling like you are all too busy to spend time with her these days, so maybe, as others have said, you need to arrange 1 day a week where she gets to see her grandkids (even if you're not there & it is just your DP) and make sure it's a regular thing. This should hopefully be enough to keep everyone happy in the long run.

Good luck.x

MrsC2010 · 25/05/2010 21:29

But why can't she come to yours? you have mentioned them going there, meeting out etc...why can't she just come round??

Original poster
ChezzaB · 25/05/2010 21:29

Thank you wukter that sounds like a good idea. I think maybe we will try that. I like the sound of a nice family dinner aswell! I honestly don't hate her, I was just really angry!

OP posts:
SixtyFootDoll · 25/05/2010 21:34

YABU

How old is she?
Older people dont really get texting - my parents are rubbish at it.
I agree she shouldnt let herself in to your house, but as for the rest you sound mean.

Whats al this meeting for coffee in town crap?
Take the kids round to her for an hour or so, wont kill you.

Original poster
ChezzaB · 25/05/2010 21:36

She doesn't have to jump through hoops at all! I'm just trying to "set the scene" really she does come round here sometimes (invited) but I'm just trying to say that if she is so upset then why wouldn't she come out with us too?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChezzaB · 25/05/2010 21:38

Sixtyfootdoll please see previous post re dogs. I just don't fancy my children being bitten by her dogs. hence why I won't take them to hers!!

OP posts:
Ineedmorechocolatenow · 25/05/2010 21:38

Because she might not want to tag along on your outing. Sometimes grandparents like to feel that they have some special time with their GC. It's nice that she wants to.... many don't.

NonnoMum · 25/05/2010 21:42

Agree with SixtyFootDoll. Older people not good at texting. When my mum texts me it always seems to be in Swedish.

(Yoø ne´d løo Røll)

chipmonkey · 25/05/2010 21:51

My Mum can't text and I don't think I have ever gotten a text from MIL!

Original poster
ChezzaB · 25/05/2010 22:09

So she might not be able to text but she could call and she seems pretty able to text when asking if she can order things from our ebay account and also when she wants to use our credit card!

OP posts:
PiscesLondon · 25/05/2010 22:18

i agree with you on the dog thing, that would be non negotiable.

best idea is for her to come to yours for a few hours once a week, hopefully you can arrange to see her and sort it out properly before their is anymore bad blood.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 26/05/2010 07:22

The best thing is to arrange a few hours a week where she can come with FIL to see the kids, without the dogs. Get DH to explain to MIL calmly that this is the arrangement and if she doesn't like it, then she'll have to make do with the odd visit she's getting now.

I feel a bit sorry for her, to be honest, but then It sounds as though you have lots of issues with MIL, that you haven't talked about on here.

CwtchyBlueMama · 26/05/2010 07:38

YABU,totally!

I have issues with my il's but i would never get in the way of them wanting to come round & see ds.

At the end of the day all she wants to do is see her gc,why should she have to meet you in town at a coffee shop?

I agree with the previous poster suggesting an evening where you invite her over for dinner.

I think you have other issues with her & you really shouldnt get in the way of her visiting her gc.

mehdismummy · 26/05/2010 07:40

i think you should be grateful that you have any family near at all i would love an mil near me so poor old ds could see his family. you are bu, i would be devastated if when my ds has a family and then strats telling me to text b4 i wanna see him. she is 70 fgs, she brought your dp into this world and brought him up and cared for him, you would have no dp or dc if it wasnt for this woman, how would you feel if your ds did this to you in the future?

Longtalljosie · 26/05/2010 07:58

Well - it all depends on how often she and your FIL are actually getting to see the children. How often? Once a month, once a fortnight, once a week?

GeekOfTheWeek · 26/05/2010 09:48

I think yanbu.

Letting yourself into someones house with their keys is just plain rude imo.

A quick phone call or text prior to a visit is appreciated in this house as we work full time and I work odd shifts. I would be v cross at someone turning up if I am sleeping after a night shift. It isn't always feasable to accomodate people who just show up.

However, I do think that the granny should have time with the dc's, so, in this situation I would just explain to her why it is so much better if she could give a bit of notice before visiting.