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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

getting rid of my nephews dummy bottle and pram when he comes away with us?

93 replies

NewBirdOnTheBlock · 24/05/2010 22:08

We're going abroad in 4 weeks for a week. My nephew is coming, along with dh dd (2years) and me. We told him we would take him last year as his mum would rather do 3 hen dos abroad than take him anywhere (seperate rant!)

SO, I asked her today does he have everything and she said yes my mum bought all his clothes, shes got him new dummys and bottles. I nearly choked on my coke. He is 5.

My own dd has neither dummys nor bottles and will only go in her pram with great protest so AIBU not wanting to take him away on learning he still has these things? I cba sterilising dummys/looking for them etc. aside from the embarrassment of being seen with a (very big, looks about 7) child with a dummy in his mouth. I had assumed last year when we booked that he no longer had any of these.

It is not his fault. His mum is the 'anything for an easy life' sort and babyfies him a lot. Would it be unreasonable of me to not take any of these things along in the hope to get him off them? I do not see in any way why it is neccessary for a 5 year old to have a dummy or a bottle. I don't want to not take him because of it, he is really looking forward to it but the thought of it is making me feel queasy tbh. So, should I go by her rules and pamper and babyfy the child or, as I paid for him, will have 24/7 care and responsibility for him, should it be my rules and these things go in the bin when he gets here, hopefully never to be seen again?

OP posts:

LIZS · 25/05/2010 17:07

Why are you taking him away if you respect his mum so little ? If you didn't know he still had these he can't need them very often, or maybe he just doesn't see you that often. . You could well make for a miserable holiday all round if you enforce your "rules". By all means offer an alternative for drinks but don't make a big deal of it.

Others have jumped on the mention of a pram but you don't actually suggest the 5yr old uses one, just that your own dd doesn't (but suspect you will find yourselves very limited for evening outings if you don't take one for her as a back up).

Casserole · 25/05/2010 18:10

I feel really really bad for this poor little boy.

How often do you SEE him? You clearly don't know his routine, comforts, etc very well. And you don't sound like you like him, or his Mum very much. Why are you doing this?

It's totally not your call to undermine her parenting styles like this. And agree with everyone who's said it would be horrid to take such a young child away from his Mum for a week AND take all his comforters away at the same time. Can't you see how that would feel to him?

YABVVVVVVVVVVVU.

LittleMissHissyFit · 25/05/2010 18:22

Could you not take the offending articles, but limit the use to indoors only, at night for example?

You don't need to take a push chair, a 5yo needs to walk, the bottle only at night and the dummy only in bed. See if you can't get some kind of competition thing going between your DD and your DN.

Sew the seeds at least to life without his baby bits and pieces.

mumeeee · 25/05/2010 20:19

We took a buggy for DD3 when we went to Disneyland Paris when she was 5. We were out for long days and often out in the evening past her bedtime. We found it very useful ( we didn't use it all the time though). There were a lot of other children of her age using prams you could hire, Yes a 5 year old is a bit to old for a dummy and bottles but like other posters have said it would
be very unfair to him if you dutched these things when he was away without his Mother.

mumbar · 25/05/2010 20:39

YANBU to think at 5 a bottle, dummy and pram are unsuitable. I presume he's at school?

YABU to take his bottles and dummies away from him.

YANBU to refuse a buggy for him. Say DD will have one and you can't take 2 maybe??

Maybe he still has these as he's insecure if mum really does 'leave him' alot. (won't judge as not sure of sitution)

I have DS 5 my friends 2 DD's are 4 and 6. DS is 10mths older than 1 and 10 mths younger than another.

DS wanted a sleep over and I agreed to older one but not younger on the grounds if at 4.11 she still needs a bottle - she has a full on tantrum when told no- she is not yet able to cope with a night away from home.

BritFish · 25/05/2010 22:02

unless he has SN YANBU to be shocked by this.

i would do what another poster has suggested, have him for a sleepover and observe his routine. maybe he only needs these things if he becomes very distressed, and maybe he genuinely has problems with walking long distances due to a condition that has yet to be diagnosed.
chances are this is not the case though.

take it on holiday [actually, dont take the buggy, thats silly and spacewasting]
if he asks for the bottles or dummy, give them to him. dont let him know you have them or have packed them unless he asks specifically. he may be so excited at going away he'll forget all about them!

ChippingIn · 25/05/2010 22:07

mumbar - would you have felt the same if she had a teddy for comfort? I think it's pretty mean to say no to a sleep over because she takes a bottle to bed

(I agree it's too old to be having dummies/bottles etc btw).

LIZS - she implies here that he still uses a pram 'My own dd has neither dummys nor bottles and will only go in her pram with great protest so AIBU not wanting to take him away on learning he still has these things?'

Anyway - as she hasn't been back - I'm guessing we've all been 'had'.

Thediaryofanobody · 25/05/2010 22:11

YABVU Its none of your business how he's raised and certainly not your place to change it. If you don't agree don't take him away.

KickArseQueen · 25/05/2010 22:19

Either "had" or the op is seriously reassesing their judgyness and level of kindness to a small child away from home.

for the record YABU with bells on!

mumbar · 25/05/2010 22:47

chippin in you not met the dc!!! She pinched her mother in spite the other day when mum said she couldn't have bottle at 10'30am when we had a playdate. She still tantrums at the word no which can last up to an hour and don't really wanna deal with this 2 more dcs late into the night - as we all know the word sleepover is a loose term

And its a bit strange to compare a teddy etc to a bottle.

ChippingIn · 27/05/2010 02:54

mumbar - ahhhhh well, you didn't mention she was the child of satan!! What's the older child like??

Bottle/teddy - both a comforter to the child... one socially more acceptable than the other - that's all - why strange to compare?

vicki2010 · 27/05/2010 17:53

take the poor kid away on hols but as he is 5 he can understand you, so buy him a teddy,make a big fuss....'you get to go on the airoplane and big boys that go on airoplanes can only have dummy for sleep' kind of thing then when you are away tell him he can have it just at night...i bet he would be fine with that,just be firm..not mean he'll soon get the message.I think you are completely within your rights to do so,your hol,your money etc and its not like he's not family....his mum will prob thank you in the end!

vintagewarrior · 27/05/2010 18:02

Oh brilliant idea, take him away from his mum then take away his sources of comfort too. If you are willing to do that to him you are no better than his mother are you?

thederkinsdame · 27/05/2010 20:21

Why, exactly are you taking this child? You don't want to accomodate his needs (whatever you may think about them) and are prepared to upset him when it's likely he'll be missing his mum. Nice.

RunawayWife · 27/05/2010 20:24

I would let him have his dummy/boottle for comfort at night but not in the day and not in public and as for the pram, no no no no no

piscesmoon · 27/05/2010 20:27

I would just have them with me and give them to him at night if he asks. Give him a good time and keep him busy and he won't give them a thought.
Be neutral-don't offer them but don't withhold.

Cloudbase · 27/05/2010 22:35

"I cba sterilising dummys/looking for them etc. aside from the embarrassment of being seen with a (very big, looks about 7) child with a dummy in his mouth"

That sentence is all about you, isn't it? There doesn't seem to be any real concern about the kind of holiday your nephew will have, just how much extra hassle it will cause you and how many 'cool points' you will lose being saddled with a child with a dummy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you love him very much and taking him on holiday is very generous, but I suspect you thought that compared to your DD, looking after a 5 year old would be easy and relatively hassle free - great that your DD is off dummies/bottles/prams, but not so great to force your standards onto someone elses's child, esp at a time when they will be extra vulnerable.

piscesmoon · 27/05/2010 23:02

I cringe when I see a 5 yr old with a dummy so I certainly wouldn't take one out with me sucking a dummy. He can't talk properly for a start-it is in the way.
OP must have a good relationship with him to be taking him out of the country for a week. He is old enough to explain things to-he is not a baby! I would just tell him nicely that his dummy and bottle are packed if he needs them at night but he will be too busy in the day time and that sadly there is too much luggage to manage a pram.
I would give him the dummy in bed if you think he needs the comfort of it but I would try giving him drinks in a novelty way -tall glass and straw-so that he doesn't think of having a bottle.
You don't need to make a big thing of it-just 'forget' about it unless he mentions it.

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