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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

getting rid of my nephews dummy bottle and pram when he comes away with us?

93 replies

NewBirdOnTheBlock · 24/05/2010 22:08

We're going abroad in 4 weeks for a week. My nephew is coming, along with dh dd (2years) and me. We told him we would take him last year as his mum would rather do 3 hen dos abroad than take him anywhere (seperate rant!)

SO, I asked her today does he have everything and she said yes my mum bought all his clothes, shes got him new dummys and bottles. I nearly choked on my coke. He is 5.

My own dd has neither dummys nor bottles and will only go in her pram with great protest so AIBU not wanting to take him away on learning he still has these things? I cba sterilising dummys/looking for them etc. aside from the embarrassment of being seen with a (very big, looks about 7) child with a dummy in his mouth. I had assumed last year when we booked that he no longer had any of these.

It is not his fault. His mum is the 'anything for an easy life' sort and babyfies him a lot. Would it be unreasonable of me to not take any of these things along in the hope to get him off them? I do not see in any way why it is neccessary for a 5 year old to have a dummy or a bottle. I don't want to not take him because of it, he is really looking forward to it but the thought of it is making me feel queasy tbh. So, should I go by her rules and pamper and babyfy the child or, as I paid for him, will have 24/7 care and responsibility for him, should it be my rules and these things go in the bin when he gets here, hopefully never to be seen again?

OP posts:
Mithered · 24/05/2010 22:23

YABU
He is away from home and not up to you to make him go cold turkey.
You don't need to sterilise - just hot water and suds. When does he have said dummy/bottle/pram?
My Ds is 4 and am planning taking a pushchair for potential day time siesta/late evening naps.He would not expect to be pushed round in a pram instead of walking.

You obviously have issues with his mother and the way he is being brought up. Is it fair to impose your views on the child whilst he is on holiday with you? IMO will end up in tears - both yours and your nephews

sanfairyann · 24/05/2010 22:23

assuming no sn, I wouldn't take the pram. you've got to let him keep the dummy and bottles though - bet they're only used at night anyway - at that age he's at school and he's not going to be using them there is he so he'll be fine during the day without them (I'm guessing). if it's just a night time thing it won't be embarrassing and will make him feel more secure

wannaBe · 24/05/2010 22:23

I wouldn't take a buggy for a five year old. no way.

DramaInPyjamas · 24/05/2010 22:24

Agree with everyone else.
You are NOT his Mum, it's NOT your place to get rid, and you ARE being unreasonable.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 24/05/2010 22:24

Do you even like this child?

How is he related to you? Is he your sisters son?

TBH I'd hate you to take my child on holiday...I'd rather he played in the mucky puddle at the back of a pub than go away with you & your smugness.... "as I paid for him, will have 24/7 care and responsibility for him, should it be my rules and these things go in the bin when he gets here, hopefully never to be seen again?"

scottishmummy · 24/05/2010 22:28

you have a beef with the mum have it out with her.dont use a child as ammunition.you know this will wind her up and are lovin thought of conflict

and do stop paying for her son holiday.she is adult shy cant she cough up

am laughing at "I nearly choked on my coke" presume you mean the soft drink rather than colombian marching powder

Kewcumber · 24/05/2010 22:31

wrong time... wrong place... wrong person (ie you). You might try to persuade him to give them up whilst away if you choose but just leaving them behind is cruel and you would deserve the nightmare you would undoubtedly get!

Lotkinsgonecurly · 24/05/2010 22:33

I had one until I was 4 or 5. Can't quite remember, but it really hasn't affected me either! Was a parenting style / prop rather than a sign of my intelligence!

Also DS had milk out of a bottle until he was 4.5. This was because he refused to drink milk out of anything else, I really did try other cups / beakers believe me. However eventually one day he said he'd drink milk out of something else, but he always slept well when he had milk out of his bottle.

On holiday you could show him an alternate way but let him have his bottles and dummy. Be kind to him he's only a little boy.

RiverOfSleep · 24/05/2010 22:36

My son is 5, also looks about 7, and has a comfort blanket thing when he goes to bed. He also has a drink in a sippy cup as I don't want drinks spilled on the bedclothes. If someone else decided for me to take these things off him, I'd be livid.

Kids need comfort even at the grand old age of 5 you know.

mamasparkle · 24/05/2010 22:36

What a cruel suggestion, of course you shouldn't take these things away from a small child, you sound as if you don't have a very good understanding of small children and their emotional needs if you think that would be an ok thing to do, when the child will be missing his mum!

thesecondcoming · 24/05/2010 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hulababy · 24/05/2010 22:44

Regardless of your views on the dummy and bottles, you just simply can't use the holiday as his time to go cold turkey on them. Poor lad is going to be away from home, away from mummy and away from everythng he knows. You can't use that tme to then also take away his comforters.

You don't have to have them out constantly. Keep him busy and ctive and chances are he won't use a dummy in the day. I wouldn't give him a bottle or dummy unless he actually asked - and would encourgae a cup instead of a bottle throughout, but would give in quickly should he become even slightly upset.

The pram is difficult as he shouldn't need it at 5y if no SN. But will he walk? Will t spoil your holiday if e doesn;t have one? I wouldn't personally want to push a big 5y round in a buggy and would avoid it as much as possible. But I wouldn't ban it immediately, just discourage it and pile the praise on him for walking.

Time and place and person is not right on this holiday.

zipzap · 24/05/2010 22:45

I would just take one pram with you for your dd to use occasionally if tired and if he is tired and the pram is not in use then he could maybe have a little go in it. But definitely wouldn't take one for him separately - just state luggage allowances if his mum says anything.

if you talk about the pram and call it the baby pram or about how it is just for little babies and isn't your dd getting good at growning up and not needing it very much and isn't he a clever big boy for not really needing it at all you should hopefully be able to talk him around into not wanting to be in the pram in a nice positive way.

As for dummies - took me ages to get ds off his. we didn't bother replacing them as they got lost until he knew we were down to the last one. He knew he wasn't allowed to use it when he went to the loo (co-incided with potty training) but one day he did and he talked (he's a non-stop chatterbox) and it fell into the loo - which he realised was goodbye to the last dummy and no hope of ever finding again. That night he was very brave but because he was the one that had lost the dummy he had a few extra hugs and an extra story and he was more or less OK. Occasionally he'd still say he missed chewing on his dummy but he was ok that he didn't have one.

Guess what I am trying to say is - you could try taking just one with you (that he knows about at any rate, you might want to keep one in reserve in case all hell breaks loose without one) and then leave him in charge of it, make him responsible for it and if he is like any of the 5yr old boys I know, he will put it down and forget where within a day or two. I think that you do need to acknowledge that it is a big comfort to him and therefore do something to mark its disappearance - could the dummy fairy come along and provide a little toy for example? or have a little ceremony for it or something else that you know that your dn will like.

Oh and during the day, you can emphasise the leave the dummy at home because it might get lost bit, that can help too!

hope you all enjoy your holiday!

zipzap · 24/05/2010 22:50

I think also the bottle is the thing to let slide if anything - can be handy to have something that won't spill drinks, especially if he is tired at night and that will provide a connection with home and going to sleep, particularly if no dummy...

Again, if you don't want to take a baby bottle out with you during the day, can you make a fuss of him having a little sport bottle or something that you would find acceptable so that he still has 'his' bottle, albeit one that is slightly more grown up. if he likes football there seems to be some sort of footie competition on soon that has filled the shops with every possible knickknack related to footie - including lots of very cheap things, you should be able to pick up a sport bottle for a pound or two.

oliviasmama · 24/05/2010 23:05

Don't be unkind, poor little boy....

Macforme · 24/05/2010 23:07

My brother (now 26!) had a bed time bottle til he was 7.....
purely comfort sleep habit.... and he's a well adjusted mortgage advisor now LOL....

My own son had an 'under the pillow' dummy until he was wayyyyy past too old.... needless to say neither have their comfort objects now and are well adjusted, well loved and well parented people!

Either take him as he is, and accept that he has comfort objects you don't like, or don't take him..he's 5 not 15, and will have a miserable time if he feels disapproval for something that hasn't been called into question before. Assuming he hasn't got the dummy in his face 24/7 and it's a bedtime thing, what is the actual harm?

Stinkyfeet · 24/05/2010 23:14

I agree with everybody else - not your place to take these things away from him.

I know a 5 yr old seems much older compared to a 2 yr old, especially if he's physically big, but 5 is really still very young. Be kind to him - I bet you wouldn't dream of taking away a favourite toy or blanket; his dummy and bottle are comfort and security to him in the same way.

differentnameforthis · 25/05/2010 09:19

You wouldn't need to sterilize them at that age, just wash in hot water.

YOU cannot take any of this from him. If you are not happy about him having it, then maybe you shouldn't be taking him.

And anyway, 'withdrawal' from bottles & dummies isn't easy, so I think it would wreck your holiday if you tried to remove while you were away.

MumNWLondon · 25/05/2010 09:56

Pram - totally reasonable no pram, why should you push a 5 year old (unless disabled etc)

Dummy - I think it would be a bad idea to get rid of on holiday but totally reasonable to say limited to in bed only (as you don't want to be seen with a 5YO with a dummy) and why on earth would you sterlise a dummy for a 5YO??!

Bottle - like the dummy - tell him he can have it in the room only.

ZZZenAgain · 25/05/2010 10:01

for a 5year old I find it a bit unusual to need a pram, dummy , baby bottle

Does he live near you, can you have him for a sleepover as a trial run and see if he really does need this stuff? Maybe you're worried about a problem that isn't there and he will manage just fine without the bottle and the dummy? I mean I wouldh avethem available but just see if he really has a dummy in during the day or just to get off to sleep etc

EricNorthmansmistress · 25/05/2010 10:06

Take them, but you will probably find he has them less with you anyway, as you can try distraction/techniques that it sounds like his mum CBA to do. If he asks for a drink, give him a cup. If you go for a walk, leave the pram at home. Only give the dummy at bedtime.

I don't think YABU - was prepared to tell you to back off but he's 5 FFS!

AmazingBouncingFerret · 25/05/2010 10:10

You are bloody mad for even wanting to try and take his dummy and bottle away. You do know he would be an absolute nightmare. The child has probably had a dummy in his mouth for every day of his entire life. It's not just a case of "ok no dummy now" and then everyone is all smiles. Infact actually go for it, try and tell him he cant have his comforters and see what happens! You'll have a luuverly holiday!

Dont leave them at home. Just discourage them if you feel so strongly about it. When my DS still had his he would be happy without it if he was kept busy. But you'll find at the first signs of tirdeness he'll be asking for it.

BigWeeHag · 25/05/2010 10:11

YABVVU

If he doesn't have SN then these things are not strictly "necessary," but I expect he feels they are, and if they need to be forcibly got rid of, then it's his mother's responsibility, not yours.

ZZZenAgain · 25/05/2010 10:12

the football sports bottle is a good idea, worth a try. I don't think he can always be drinking out of a baby bottle. He's 5 so he goes to school presumably and he can't be drinking out of it at school surely? Maybe it's a getting off to sleep thing.

Alicetheinvisible · 25/05/2010 10:16

TBH, i don't think you sound unresonable, but i think this is an issue to be taken up with your sister rather than with the child iyswim?

I would take some bottles and dummies with you, but let him control when/where he wants them. If your 2yr old DD doesn't have them he may decide he doesn't want them, but at the same time he may get homesick and really need the comfort.

I assume you will take a buggy with you anyway having a 2yr old? Could you manage with one between the two? Or perhaps borrow a buggyboard? Although i imagine it would be quite hard work pushing a child that size in an ordinary stroller.

I hope you have a lovely holiday and that both the kids enjoy it