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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

getting rid of my nephews dummy bottle and pram when he comes away with us?

93 replies

NewBirdOnTheBlock · 24/05/2010 22:08

We're going abroad in 4 weeks for a week. My nephew is coming, along with dh dd (2years) and me. We told him we would take him last year as his mum would rather do 3 hen dos abroad than take him anywhere (seperate rant!)

SO, I asked her today does he have everything and she said yes my mum bought all his clothes, shes got him new dummys and bottles. I nearly choked on my coke. He is 5.

My own dd has neither dummys nor bottles and will only go in her pram with great protest so AIBU not wanting to take him away on learning he still has these things? I cba sterilising dummys/looking for them etc. aside from the embarrassment of being seen with a (very big, looks about 7) child with a dummy in his mouth. I had assumed last year when we booked that he no longer had any of these.

It is not his fault. His mum is the 'anything for an easy life' sort and babyfies him a lot. Would it be unreasonable of me to not take any of these things along in the hope to get him off them? I do not see in any way why it is neccessary for a 5 year old to have a dummy or a bottle. I don't want to not take him because of it, he is really looking forward to it but the thought of it is making me feel queasy tbh. So, should I go by her rules and pamper and babyfy the child or, as I paid for him, will have 24/7 care and responsibility for him, should it be my rules and these things go in the bin when he gets here, hopefully never to be seen again?

OP posts:

mistletoekisses · 25/05/2010 10:26

YABU. Not your place to remove things from him, that would be too distressing for the child. But if you do take him with you, you have to be accepting of his behaviour and not get impatient/ embarassed about him, otherwise that too will be distressing for him. He wont understand why something his mother thinks is acceptable is not acceptable for you.

If you really hate the idea of it of bottles etc, don't take him. It is the better option for all of you.

mistletoekisses · 25/05/2010 10:28

BTW - I meant to say, I dont think you are unreasonable to feel the way you do. I would be the same tbh.

pigletmania · 25/05/2010 10:32

I understand what you mean but its not your job to do it tbh, its up to his parents. I ditched dds dummies and bottles at Christmas, she was 2.9 years, and she is potty training at the moment. DD is small for her age (3.2) and still needs her buggy on long walks or in the town or i will end up carrying her or deal with a sleeping toddler, in the heat she tends to nap in the afternoon.

gtamom · 25/05/2010 10:47

It would be quite cruel to take those away from him, while he is away from home in a strange place. A vacation isn't really the best time to try and break a habit. Habits are hard to break.
He probably only has them at bedtime. You could ask your sister, if you may speak with him about it, before the trip. Perhaps agree he can have the dummy at bedtime. But only if your sister gives permission, and maybe she should be there during the talk with him.
But I would not leave him behind, maybe leave the stroller behind, but not him. It isn't his fault he clings to a habit.
He has 4 weeks to break the habit. If it is his decision, it will be easier on him. Talk to your sister.

gtamom · 25/05/2010 10:49

Idea. Have him for a sleepover one night soon, with no bottle or dummy and see how it works?

2blessed2bstressed · 25/05/2010 10:59

I agree with you tbh, and I think some of the other posters are being a bit harsh - I'm assuming that this is your dh's sister and not yours? Maybe he could mention that you don't really think the pushchair should be necessary since if your dd at 2 can walk the distances you're planning (hopefully to lovely beach and back), then a big boy of 5 should be ok too? I don't think that dummies and bottles at 5 should be still on the go either, but for the sake of a quiet life and a happy holiday I'd take them and try to encourage him to save them for bedtime.

chipmonkey · 25/05/2010 11:02

No, whether you agree with it or not it would be utterly cruel of you to take them off him. Dh's nephew is 5 and recently was advised by his SALT that he had to give up his bottle which was a night time only thing. He was very, very sad about it, it was a comfort to him and it would be horrible to do it at a time when he is away from his Mum.

auntpolly · 25/05/2010 11:02

Are you taking him on holiday to prove your superiority over his mother, or are you taking him away so that he can hopefully have lots of fun on holiday?

If it's the former then don't take him at all, if it's the latter then take him and let him have the comforters that he's used to so that he can really enjoy himself, otherwise you will turn it into a distressing experience for him. It sounds to me like you do care about him, and you've done a very nice thing in offering to take him away for some fun. Just try to keep that in mind and put your thoughts on dummies and bottles aside for the week. Who cares what other people think about it anyway, and they won't need to be sterilised at his age.

I hope you all manage to have a good hol.

Rockbird · 25/05/2010 11:06

"thought of it is making me feel queasy tbh. So, should I go by her rules and pamper and babyfy the child or, as I paid for him, will have 24/7 care and responsibility for him, should it be my rules and these things go in the bin when he gets here, hopefully never to be seen again? "

You don't think that is unreasonable, Alice and mistletoe? Sounds pretty self centred to me.

The child is five, the op is presumably a grown woman who feels queasy at the thought of a bottle or a dummy. FFS, the more I think about this, the more pathetic it sounds. You're taking him on holiday for a week not adopting him so leave him be.

Alicetheinvisible · 25/05/2010 11:19

This is Mumsnet Rockbird, everyone is entitled to their opinion. Yours is just as valid as mine, so no need to pick on me

mistletoekisses · 25/05/2010 11:26

Rock - you have your opinion I have mine. I dont think the OP sounds self centered. I do think she is spot on in saying that the sister has opted for an easy life by not getting rid of them. Bottles and dummies were gone in this house by 12 months.

KurriKurri · 25/05/2010 11:30

Why the red herring of him being big for his age. He's five, not seven, he'll presumably be displaying other 5 year old traits - will you be embarrassed about them? If other people think he's older that's their problem.

If his dummy/comforters are to be taken away, that's his mum's decision - would you like her to suggest how you deal with your kids?

As others have said, irrelevant whether you think he shouldn't have a dummy, if you try to take it from him on holiday you are heading for disaster. Better to make him feel as secure and welcome as possible so he has a good time?

KurriKurri · 25/05/2010 11:33

Mistletoe, all children differ though, some speak/walk/are dry earlier than others. And OP's nephew's mum knows him better than anyone else. She's not here to defend herself, so unfair I think to have a go at her parenting when we don't know her circumstances.

williewalshsballs · 25/05/2010 11:38

yanbu. I wouldn't take them (dummy etc) tbh. But I'll do some fence sitting on this one and go with what zip zap said

Rockbird · 25/05/2010 11:41

I wasn't picking on you Alice. You were one of the two people who thought the op was being reaosnable, therefore my comment was addressed to you. No need to take it personally.

Rockbird · 25/05/2010 11:41

Sorry, forgot my (non passive aggressive, I promise!)

christina1971 · 25/05/2010 12:01

YANBU to WANT to do away with the dummy and bottle business, but I think the poor little boy, away from home and family would find that so upsetting. I would keep things the same as they are for him at home now that you have said you are taking him. If you hadn't already made the offer, I would say wait until he is a little bit older before suggesting a holiday, he may find it really hard to be away. Very kind of you to include him, in any case, and totally understand how you feel. Gtamom- like the idea of the sleepover!

Alicetheinvisible · 25/05/2010 12:02

i thought there were a few people who didn't think the op was being particularly unreasonable tbh, i suppose it just depends how you read posts.

Lulumaam · 25/05/2010 12:12

it is coming across as a way for you to teach the mother a lesson for 'babying' her 5 year old.

if he is 5, he is at school.. so i should think he can manage the day without a dummy and bottle and these are nightime/ poorly time comforters

why you taking him on hols? doesn't sound like you want to., it seems a way to show you are the better mother - she's going on 3 hen dos..and you are the kind martyr aunt taking him on a holiday

think carefully as to what your motives really are

mumto2andnomore · 25/05/2010 12:14

I too would be shocked at a 5 year old having a dummy and a bottle. I would be embarrassed to take him out with them.I hate dummies and mine were off bottles by their 1st birthday though,they had other sources of comfort by then.

However I agree that its not your place to get rid of these things, have a chat with your sister before you go and see if she can wean them off him before the holiday.

loolop · 25/05/2010 12:17

I would take them but make it clear they are to be left in the bedroom - think sports bottle is great idea for in the day. Everyones a winner - you dont need to be embarassed to be seen out with a 5yo with a dummy/bottle and he gets to have his comforters to go to sleep with.

It's really not your place to remove these comforters - especially not in an unfamilar environment. The 'dummy fairy' came and took away all of DD's (3.4) dummies away about 2 wks ago - she has done brilliantly without them but it has taken patience, time, understanding and kindness to get her to sleep some nights (she only ever had them for sleep) as she has no idea how to relax enough to drop off without sucking. Not a process you would want to go through a) on holiday and b) with a dc who is not your child imo

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/05/2010 12:27

Awwww. Poor little boy.

I agree with the vast majority, here, a five year old away from his parents for the first time, in a different country, and you want to take away his comforters too? And you're going for four weeks?

You're not thinking about the child at all. You're thinking about proving a point to his parents, she says, bolding the word because FFS why why WHY does the father always disappear in these topics?. And it's just not nice, to make a little boy have to deal with that just so you say to the parents that hey look, little Johnny doesn't take a dummy anymore, toldyousotoldyouso.

Greythorne · 25/05/2010 12:34

auntpolly is right

yellowflowers · 25/05/2010 13:45

another vote for 'forgetting' to pack them!

ChippingIn · 25/05/2010 14:08

(tortoise in 4 weeks, not for 4 weeks)

NewBirdOnTheBlock hasn't been back... the style is a little familiar....

... still, giving the benefit of the doubt...

I would leave the pram (or take one for them to share as has been suggested - DD's would be better if he'll fit in it, as then it's hers which he is allowed to use, rather than any tantrum over it being his).

I would take 1 bottle and a few dummies. I wouldn't take either out of the house. I would encourage him not to have either (distration/big boy 'swaps'), but if he couldn't be distracted I would let him have them.... he is only small (far too bloody big for dummies/bottle IMHO), away from home, with people he doesn't know very well, it's not a good time to force him to go cold turkey on his comforters

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