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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed of at being mistaken for the nanny?

80 replies

tweetymum · 24/05/2010 21:00

Arrrgh!! Bit of background, DH and I moved to Canada where DH has now got a job. Obviously was very hard at first due to a pretty bad winter and being at home 24/7 with DD (2), and no company or work to keep me busy. I used to be a quite successful career person back in the UK, and enjoyed my work quite a lot. So to move from that to no work was a bit of a shock. We are a mixed race couple, btw, but DD is very fair and takes after her dad, though she does have some of my features.

Anyway, I finally decided to get off my ass and start making a few new friends here, and now that the weather is nice and all. So off went DD and I to the park. There were a few people there and some moms with their kids some around DDs age. I smiled and said hello to some, but was met with a blank stare. So I thought, well, first time and all... and let it go. Same thing happened a few more times, and was wondering where on earth I was going wrong, never had any trouble making friends previously.

So I tried again, but when I spoke to a mum who I have always seen around, she was kinda blunt and told me very politely that she didn't think nannies should be socialising when they were supposed to be looking after the kids.

I was so shocked, I backed away muttering sorry... but now I feel really pissed off!! AIBU to march to the woman tomorrow and tell her that its my DD and I am not a nanny? Would that serve any purpose? The impression I got was that she thought we wouldn't have anything in common with me, seeing as I was a nanny and all that. I also realised that a lot of the women there thought the same thing, so feeling quite bad about it now.

OP posts:

zapostrophe · 24/05/2010 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SirBoobAlot · 24/05/2010 21:03

YANBU I would be fuming and upset. Just be aware that if you backed away and said sorry, telling her that she is your DD tomorrow might be met with a rather confused reaction.

BafanaBafana · 24/05/2010 21:04

I wouldnt even bother speaking to her again. She sounds like a total cow.

On the other hand, you could throw a little tea party for your DAUGHTER and invite her

JennyPenny23 · 24/05/2010 21:05

TBH they sound like not very nice people so I would go to a different park or go to a friendly toddler group or something

Strix · 24/05/2010 21:07

She didn't think nannies should be socialising?

Says more about her than it does anyone else.

I'd be mad too.

FrazzleRock · 24/05/2010 21:08

I'm speechless

I used to be a Nanny. If anyone spoke to me like that they'd get a proper ear-bashing!

It doesn't matter whether you're the Mother or the Nanny, that is just a bloody disgusting attitude to have

MrsHarkness · 24/05/2010 21:08

OMG awful people, do you really want to be friends with someone like that? Hope you have more luck meeting nicer people.

swordinthestone · 24/05/2010 21:08

well I could put a positive spin on it for you...

nannies are usually younger than the mother so you could take it that you are young looking!

Rockbird · 24/05/2010 21:08

I don't think I'd want to be friends with people like that tbh. But then I found the same when I was a nanny, nicey nicey in private, treat you like a serf in public.

If you still want to be friends, go up to her the next time, say hi again and then make some comment about how funny it was that she thought you were the nanny. Mind you, as you didn't deny it before she'll probably ask for dd's birth certificate!

mumofthreesweeties · 24/05/2010 21:09

Firstly I am really sorry that you had to experience such ignorant behaviour. Did they think you were a nanny just because you are darker than your DC. I would be completey wound up by that, imho it would have been irrelevant anyway whether you were the nanny or not. They probably are not used to are are reluctant to mix with people from another race, how totally ignorant is that. YANBU at all. I would actually go to the park tomorrow and politely approach the woman and say actually this is my son and I am not a nanny and see how she responds to that. TBH I probably wouldnt want to make friends with such people as they are obviously stuck up. I dont see why their perception should change upon finding out you are not the nanny as sometimes even nannies take the kids out socialising.

Try not to worry about it too much, these are not the friends for you and with time you will build up your own network of friends. Good luck

sapell3 · 24/05/2010 21:11

When you see her again you could say "Hi, how are you? So can I just ask you why you assumed I am a nanny?"

BabbatheHun · 24/05/2010 21:14

I would continue going to the park, and make a show of being affectionate to your dd. Then let them figure out what on earth is going on if they think you are the nanny. Just confuse them a bit then tell her what a judgey rude cow she is if and when she ever tries to backchat.

And in the mean time, find other places to find some friends.

Original poster

tweetymum · 24/05/2010 21:20

Thanks everyone, I feel a lot better now I know I am not being overly unreasonable about it. I thought this park would be a nice place to take DD to, as she loves playing with other little kids as well.

It was the shock of being told off for socialising that got me, as well as being mistaken for the nanny.

swordinthestone, thanks for that, ot made me smile, I do look youngish for 30 ;) but didn't really think that would be an issue (it is when I get IDd when buying alcohol though, lol)

I think I am going to change parks, I now feel a bit shocked that people can be prejudiced here as well. I mean, the whole Canadian thing is about how friendly people are and all, but haven't seen much evidence of that in the park so far.

I have also signed up for library sessions and ice skating, so hopefully will have better luck there.

OP posts:

bran · 24/05/2010 21:23

Rockbird, really? I used to go to lots of organised things (like Gymboree) with DS and it was about half nannies/half parents and while there was a slight tendency for parents to be more sociable with each other (going for coffee afterwards) it was generally very friendly.

Perhaps when you see this woman next you could say something like "Sorry to interrupt you while you're working, but I wondered if most of the adults here are nannies like you?" She will probably say that she isn't one (unless you misunderstood her last time) then you could say that neither are you. Hopefully she will then apologise, and you can cold-shoulder her for the rest of time.

Are there any international women's groups near you? I found those very useful for meeting up with others who were also new in town and looking for friends. Do any of the local churches run mother and toddler groups? They might be a bit more convivial.

thisisyesterday · 24/05/2010 21:25

what an ignorant cow!
so, they don't talk to you because
1.) yo uhave darker skin than your daughter and therefore MUST be the nanny
2.) they don't thin nannies ought to talk to other people?????

i mean WTF??

I'd go somewhere else if i were you!

pigletmania · 24/05/2010 21:25

How rude! So what if you were the nanny, politness does not cost a penny, I am shocked and angry at the mentality of some people. Be assertive, you are your dds mum and should be proud and hold your head up high. Wear a t shirt with I'm not the nanny

ThePinkOne · 24/05/2010 21:27

I like bran's suggestion. I was just trying to think of how to word it! Make out like you're assuming she's the nanny

Original poster

tweetymum · 24/05/2010 21:29

bran, I hadn't thought of the international women's groups, will scout them out now thanks. We do live in a fairly university oriented place, so there may be a few places where I could meet other newly arrived people.

I haven't been to any churches yet, as we are in the process of buying a house and we decided to wait till we moved to the house to find a church close by. But I will look around for that too. I used to be quite involved in our local church in the UK, so that may be a way to make friends.

Its just really lonely out here, and even though I adore DD, its hard to be just with her and with no other adult company than DH.

OP posts:

bran · 24/05/2010 21:31

I don't know if this will be much comfort to you but I am much paler than my DD and I regularly receive compliments on how cute my grandaughter is. (I'm paler than pale celtic and she is white/asian/caribbean so admittedly quite different looking). People often ask if she's mine, probably more often than they make the grandaughter comment, which is fair enough given the different look.

pigletmania · 24/05/2010 21:31

I would go there and rub their faces in it,publically affectionate to your dd and emphaise the words mummy

Original poster

tweetymum · 24/05/2010 21:33

ThePinkOne, I think she would be really mad at me if I did that, considering she looks almost identical to her DD

Parenting here is a bit funny, everything is taken so seriously, and everyone is so... I don't know... earnest about it, I guess.

I was even told by a middle aged lady in the supermarket one day that DD should have had a hat on in the sun, never mind the fact we live two minutes away and she was slathered in sunscreen. Its a very conservative city for sure.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 24/05/2010 21:34

bran, i can't believe people ask if she is yours just because you look different! in this day and age

Original poster

tweetymum · 24/05/2010 21:36

bran ouch!!!

Yes, I have had the 'is she yours' from a lovely lady in Paris, who was so concerned about that fact that I was carrying a white baby. Luckily I knew enough French to vigorously shake my head and go 'oui, oui, oui' to her

OP posts:

MiniMousse · 24/05/2010 21:36

Good grief, with attitudes like that you really don't need them as friends - they sound a horrible, prejudiced and narrow minded bunch!
I used to be a nanny too, and was sometimes shocked by the attitude and behaviour of mums towards me - some even seemed to try to speeeeek slooooowly to me, using simple words - I really don't think I was imagining this. And I just used to stand there and nod along with them but in my head I'd be thinking 'I've got 10 gcses, 3 a levels, a first class honours degree and a postgrad lalalaaaaaaaa'!!
It does take a good while to get to know people when you move somewhere new. Keep trying and you will eventually find some people who are on your wavelength - and you can look back on these nasty women and laugh.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 24/05/2010 21:38

I agree with swordinthestone - I think she thought you were younger than you are, and hence assumed you were the nanny.

She sounds rude and obnoxious though.

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