to be pissed of at being mistaken for the nanny?

[tweetymum]

Arrrgh!! Bit of background, DH and I moved to Canada where DH has now got a job. Obviously was very hard at first due to a pretty bad winter and being at home 24/7 with DD (2), and no company or work to keep me busy. I used to be a quite successful career person back in the UK, and enjoyed my work quite a lot. So to move from that to no work was a bit of a shock. We are a mixed race couple, btw, but DD is very fair and takes after her dad, though she does have some of my features.

Anyway, I finally decided to get off my ass and start making a few new friends here, and now that the weather is nice and all. So off went DD and I to the park. There were a few people there and some moms with their kids some around DDs age. I smiled and said hello to some, but was met with a blank stare. So I thought, well, first time and all... and let it go. Same thing happened a few more times, and was wondering where on earth I was going wrong, never had any trouble making friends previously.

So I tried again, but when I spoke to a mum who I have always seen around, she was kinda blunt and told me very politely that she didn't think nannies should be socialising when they were supposed to be looking after the kids.

I was so shocked, I backed away muttering sorry... but now I feel really pissed off!! AIBU to march to the woman tomorrow and tell her that its my DD and I am not a nanny? Would that serve any purpose? The impression I got was that she thought we wouldn't have anything in common with me, seeing as I was a nanny and all that. I also realised that a lot of the women there thought the same thing, so feeling quite bad about it now.

shocking.

but also because she wouldn't talk to a nanny. i'm quite happy to fraternise.. i'll talk to anyone who'll talk to me!

i think you need to try a different place, and have your comeback line at the ready. or otherwise refer to 'my daughter' a lot.

jeez

YANBU.

I am speechless and upset on your behalf. And actually quite want you to go back and set her straight/make it obvious that you are DD's mother, and watch her reaction. Ignorant, stupid woman, what a nasty piece of work.

I am like you in that I just accept stuff at the time, and think of all the smart stuff I should have said after the event!

Well that's generous of you fanjo but (as the mum of mixed-race kids) I'm afraid I am 99% sure there was a racial element there.

I think she'll want the ground to open up and swallow her when she realises how her unconscious racism has surfaced. And for that reason alone you must set her straight - I think the look on her face will make it all worthwhile

Bechka, you should have heard all the smart things I thought of after the event

I was just shocked though, at her assumption which seemed so sorta set in stone. Darker, younger, must be the nanny!

I don't mind it tiy, I go to groups that have lots of childminders, nannies and grandparents. I'd say fewer than half of the children are there with a parent so it's more that they are not making an assumption than that they are. It's not as though complete strangers come marching up to me in the street and ask.

Anyway, you're missing the point. I don't mind when people ask me if she's mine as much as I mind when they assume I'm her grandmother.

tweetymum, I've moved around a lot and I find that making new friends is a bit like being single and looking for a romantic interest. There's no point hanging around in places where people already have all the friends they need.

It's not that people are nasty it's just that making a new friend is a lot of effort in a way. You have to find out whether you have enough in common for there to be the potential for a good friend without getting too close too quickly in case the other person turns out to be clingy/needy/demanding. I imagine that most of the locals already have a social network that they are happy with so don't have that push to work on new friendships.

That's where international women's groups are good, or indeed any other group where people are likely not to know each other previously. Do you have any hobbies or interests that you could join a group for, like quilting or sling wearing. Anything where people go in order to socialise works better than the park where people often go to let their DC burn off excess energy and (in my case) let their brain veg a bit.

When I say above "it's not that people are nasty" I'm excluding the woman in question who is obviously a complete bitch and not someone you would want to be friends with anyway.

bran, I write fanfiction as a hobby So its a fairly lonely hobby except for the people I meet on the internet.

Which is one of the reasons I thought it would be a good idea to get out and get DD and myself socialising a bit in RL. Its not like I wanted to be their best friend, just wanted a bit of conversation iyswim?

But I will definitely look out for the women's groups, you're right I am more likely to make friends there than in already established groups.

Take dh with you to the playground next time. Make sure everyone hear her calling him daddy. Then SNOG him.

That'll get them talking. Silly people!

Seriously, I'd probably just change playgroups because I don't like confrontation that much. But the right thing to do would be to ask that lady whether she and her child would like to join you and your daughter for a coffee. She probably won't, as she'd be mortified. As she should.

This also happened to me, in London of all places! My son is very light skinned, more like his dad while I am mixed race and look a bit young for my age. A few times I been aware that people are trying to work out if I am the mum or the nanny and a couple of times they actually asked me straight, which, to be honest was better than trying to guess. I now try to see the positive (most nannies are indeed young things!) and I am proud that my family is different enough for people to have to think to "work us out". Keep away from this woman though, she is not worth your time if she feels that it is OK to be rude, regardless who she thinks you are. But don't give up trying to make friends, in my experience it is hard at the beginning but you will soon meet nice people, sometimes it just takes a little while. Good luck!

When I read the title of your thread I did think to myself I wondered if you're not white. The same thing has happened to two of my friends one is chinese and the other is indian both have white dhs and both have moved to US where some people (white middle class) assumed they were their dc's nannies. My indian friend has said that she thinks the US is a much more racist country than UK and less tolerant, but at least you didn't get taken for the toilet attendant as my chinese friend was she thinks lots of americans think non whites are just there to do the menial jobs and serve their over inflated needs.

How strange that she didn't ASK you whether you were your DD's mummy or nanny before speaking so rudely to you. She sounds very unpleasant. Persevere - there are bound to be others who are more friendly!

tweetymum - Hi, where in Canada are you?? Just want to let you know that I am Canadian and we are not all like that. Must have been a redneck!

It is true that Canadians on the whole are a friendly bunch. Alot of my girlfriends with kids have annual passes for the zoo and go regualary, maybe something to check out.

rise above their obvious ignorance, and tbh I would pity their shallow mentalities.

ticktockclock, we moved to Edmonton, AB.

I've been to Canada before, for vacations etc, mainly to BC though, so was not overly concerned about moving there at first because I knew people were nice and friendly and Canada has a good reputation for that.

Which is why I was so shocked at this, really.

I have an annual pass for the museum here, and really like that its so affordable. Looking forward to trying out the Valley Zoo here too, but the nearest big zoo is in Calgary, I think.

mumzy, I've been to the States several times, and yes, if I was to compare the US and the UK, I would definitely say that the US is more entrenched in its attitudes towards non-white people. The UK is more tolerant overall, for sure. Maybe its because they have a multicultural ethos, as opposed to the whole US melting pot thing.

Its sad, but that's the way it is.

Ha! Well that is where I am from is Edmonton!! So yes, must have been a redneck that you encountered!!

What part of the city do you live in? Yes the Zoo in Calgary is a much better Zoo then the valley zoo. Swimming in the summer is a good activity indoor and outdoor. Borden and Hawrelak park are popular with families.

Do you drive? There is lots to do around the city as well. Elk Island park is lovely and the Ukranian Cultural Heritage village are good with kids.

Ooooo and the summer is great. Lots of festivals to enjoy. Heritage Festival, Folk Festival, Fringe Festival. Lots of opportunities to get out and meet people.

BTW most nannies that work for families in Canada tend to be Philipino so the comments you received were even more surprising.

LOL, that's weird co-incidence ticktockclock Whereabouts do you live? We are currently renting in Garneau, but will be moving our new house in Duggan mid-June. Unfortunately I don't drive, but we have been to Elk Island Park and loved it. Planning to canoe there once DH gets his canoe from the in-laws.

I didn't think of swimming, though we've been to the water park at WEM, DD loves it there. DD and DH tend to stick to the downtown YMCA pool, but once we move south, we'll get to the Lutzsky Y. Looking forward to the Jazz Festival in June too.

My sympathies - my dp is black and our dd is white, so she gets this ALL the time. As I am white, and our next child will be black, I'm going to have to get used to it too.

And then, if you start explaining, the intrusive questioning... it's very wearying.

hester, but you'd think in this day and age people would stop making assumptions and ask?

I know it can be confusing, but its a more and more mixed race world today isn't it?

Yes it is tweetymum!! I live in London now, but go home regularly for visits. Garneau is quite nice as it is right around the University. Do you ever go for a wander around the river valley?

Oh and in the summer Mill Creek and Mill Creek pool are good. You are also fairly accessible to the Kinsmen Recreation centre. They have the Kin Kids indoor recreation area for kids there which is good. They also have the Kids Den which is a creche so good if you want to do an exercise class or something. The John Walter Museum is at the front of the Kinsmen next to the river and they often have stuff going on there in the summer.

Whyte ave shops and then a bit of lunch at the bagel tree are always good in the summer.

If you haven't been to Fort Edmonton Park yet either that is worth a visit.

Have you been to the Farmers market on the weekend just off of Whyte Ave and 103rd st. here

The city is good for lots of outdoor stuff and the summers are great.

I will be home for the Fringe Festival this summer and really looking forward to it!

Let me know if I can fill you in on anything.

Well, I was a nanny to my friend's children and they are all Japanese. And I'm pretty chalk-white. People assumed I was the mum and that my Japanese husband was at work - on many, many occasions. So I had to explain that no, the Japanese triplets were not mine, that my name was not Japanese surname, etc. Sometimes, for deliveries and whatnot, it was easier to just say, yes I was Mrs Japanese surname

So yes, the racial assumptions weren't very nice for you... and I guess there are people who still make these assumptions. Good for you to get out there and make friends, it's not easy when you're in a new place and a whole new country.

ticktockclock thanks so much for this, its really useful to get information from someone who knows the area. I really appreciate it.

Yes, Kinpark is very close to us, so I'll head out there this week. Hopefully the weather will stay nice, though I must admit having days and days of sunshine has really spoilt me Will have to check out Mill Creek too, have heard about it, but haven't been yet. I really like that Edmonton has so much green space, which is rare for a North American city.

I'll also check out the market, I loved Borough Market in London, so I am sure I'll like this one.

Yes I here that the temperature has dropped again! Well now that Victoria Day weekend is over you should be clear of snow until atleast....September.

isnt the idea of a nanny that they get brought up the same way the mother would, same routine, staying at home etc?

tbh if i had a nanny i would want then to go to playgroups/parks and socialise as thats part of normal life, if mum can care for the child and do it? why shouldnt thenanny?

LOL, when we moved here I was young, blonde and Australian with a kid who had the full Chelsea accent within a month.

Still it was flattering when all the single dads (god I hope they were single, sticks fingers in ears, lalalalala) kept asking if I would like a drink...

Now I don't look quite so young, the years have knocked the Australian accent back and one of my best friends is Filipino, so everyone thinks she is my nanny. Which is funny, cause she would make a crap nanny, not too keen on kids who are not her own. This doesn't stop her from pretending to be subservient to get a laugh, the cow.