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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed of at being mistaken for the nanny?

80 replies

tweetymum · 24/05/2010 21:00

Arrrgh!! Bit of background, DH and I moved to Canada where DH has now got a job. Obviously was very hard at first due to a pretty bad winter and being at home 24/7 with DD (2), and no company or work to keep me busy. I used to be a quite successful career person back in the UK, and enjoyed my work quite a lot. So to move from that to no work was a bit of a shock. We are a mixed race couple, btw, but DD is very fair and takes after her dad, though she does have some of my features.

Anyway, I finally decided to get off my ass and start making a few new friends here, and now that the weather is nice and all. So off went DD and I to the park. There were a few people there and some moms with their kids some around DDs age. I smiled and said hello to some, but was met with a blank stare. So I thought, well, first time and all... and let it go. Same thing happened a few more times, and was wondering where on earth I was going wrong, never had any trouble making friends previously.

So I tried again, but when I spoke to a mum who I have always seen around, she was kinda blunt and told me very politely that she didn't think nannies should be socialising when they were supposed to be looking after the kids.

I was so shocked, I backed away muttering sorry... but now I feel really pissed off!! AIBU to march to the woman tomorrow and tell her that its my DD and I am not a nanny? Would that serve any purpose? The impression I got was that she thought we wouldn't have anything in common with me, seeing as I was a nanny and all that. I also realised that a lot of the women there thought the same thing, so feeling quite bad about it now.

OP posts:
ninedragons · 25/05/2010 11:58

I'd be flattered.

At our park the mummies are all 40 and frazzled-looking; the nannies are all 23 and stunning.

Could be just that you're foreign. The nannies here are not only 23 and stunning but also Swedish. Just to rub salt into the wound

diddl · 25/05/2010 12:04

It sounds as if she thinks the "help" shouldn´t get above it´s place!

nickelbabe · 25/05/2010 12:18

i agree with you there, biddy.

especially as the social interaction is important for the child's upbringing too. the child needs to see all adults talking to each other and being nice. all this bitchiness is not a healthy attitude to show a developing mind.

Morloth · 25/05/2010 12:25

I think the problem isn't that she thought you were the nanny, the problem is that she thought it was appropriate to be rude and quite mean to the nanny. Which is good, because now you know to not waste your time with her, you got to cut through the crap and see the "real" person.

merryberry · 25/05/2010 12:27

what strikes me is if a nanny can't socialise while with charges, how are said charges going to learn everyday behaviour? hope you get a chance to challenge her on that preconception, and any others.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/05/2010 12:37

That's horrendous. It's racist and ageist and I am APPALLED at the whole brushing off of the nanny thing. I mean, frankly, I don't even believe that she really thought it was inappropriate to chat to a nanny because the nanny was working. I think it was an excuse not to chat to a nonwhite person. We don't have a lot of nannies around here - cultural reasons, etc - but the couple I've encountered at playgroup etc, it's not occurred to me to not talk to them. They're women caring for young children, just as I am, what's not to share?

Tweety, I have some lovely friends who live in Edmonton, I'll ask them where the nice parks with nonbigots are. There must be some.

ChippingIn · 25/05/2010 14:50

Hester - sorry, but a really ignorant question - how do you know your next child will be black?

The mothers at school have a regular coffee morning, one of the Mums invited a 'new mum' to come along, however, the 'class bitch rep, turned around and said, 'No, sorry, that's not possible, it's only for the Mums, not the nannies' - and walked away - I was confused, angry, embarassed and very pissed off - so the 3 of us went for coffee instead and soon had more in the breakway group than the 'original' group!!

Another Nanny I know was telling a Mum she thought she was friends/friendly with (had been on girls nights out with, round for coffee etc with the Mum she worked for, all the same age) that there had been a change of plans and she was staying after all - the other woman said 'Oh that's really great! [cue friend thinking of more girls nights in/out, movies etc]... it will be great to have another babysitter on hand when nanny is busy'.......... my friend AND her mum boss stopped socialising with her!

Nannies are often treated as a sub-species

JustOneMorePlease · 25/05/2010 15:33

What a horrible thing to happen....everyone has made great suggestions and hopefully they'll make you feel better.

Slightly different to the skin tone making people say daft things but when ds1 was little a few people asked if i'd adopted him.!! He has downs syndrome and i was only 26 when he was born.

People simply don't think about others feelings.

Incidentally noone has asked recently... the last 6 years obviously haven't been kind to me..

Smile and ignore, smile and ignore

HotSprocket · 25/05/2010 16:14

I can understand why your upset.
I was saying to my sister the other day that people think im older than i am (23) since i had my baby. She said "oh, they will just think your the nanny". I wouldnt have expected that to bother me but i am very proud to be a mum and proud of my baby! I expect you feel the same.
This lady was obiviously a bit of a cow so don't let it put you off.

mumbar · 25/05/2010 16:36

Oh so mothers can 'socialise' and ignore thier children then can they

Surely all children should get the same adult interaction regardless of whether they ate 'nannied' or parented???

swanandduck · 25/05/2010 16:45

She sounds like a rude, snobby, jumped up cow. I don't anyone should be socialising with her.

fabat40 · 25/05/2010 16:59

ChippingIn - it can be difficult socialising with your nanny. I think my nanny is lovely and we have become quite friendly (I work from home so am often around during the day) and that makes it difficult when I have to give direction/instructions or discipline her. I would definitely avoid asking her to join in on 'girls nights' with friends of mine.

That being said, I think the woman the OP spoke to was WAY out of line. No need to be rude to someone like that!

strawberrycake · 25/05/2010 17:16

My friend is black carribean and her husband white scottish, and their 4th dc is a carbon copy of her husband. He does not look remotely mixed race, simply a copy of his scottish daddy. All the way through nursery and primary school she's been through the regular explanations of having to assert herself as his mother. Even then a few uptight people have had difficulty accepting it, one teacher even doubled checked with the child! Even in our very multi-culutural area of London people still have some very old-fashioned views. I was shocked at having to exaplin to a teacher colleague a while back that a woman was the mother of a child, not the nanny as she'd told me. I'd had the embarassment of a parents evening where I asked her if the parents were coming! I was mortified, my colleague had told me from the beginning of the year it was the nanny when we were out in the playground and I had no reason (or so I thought) to doubt the fact that she KNEW this and hadn't just guessed because of the difference in appearance.

electra · 25/05/2010 17:22

YANBU - poor you

ohthosealbertans · 25/05/2010 20:44

YADNBU -- what a biatch. Really feel bad that you had this experience and I barely even identify as Canadian having not spent much time living there in the past couple of decades.

BTW Alberta is also a hotbed of Christian fundamentalism so when you're looking for a church be aware that some are very conservative. (We're talking "wives submit yourselves to your husbands" conservative.)

Obviously she was being racist. Maybe there is some way you could sweetly yet bluntly ask this woman if she was "confused" because you are a mixed-race family. Sometimes the subtle implication that someone is a racist is enough to embarrass them into settling right down, at least publicly . . . Canadians are often fairly passive aggressive non-confrontational.

And finally I hope you have a great experience in Canada. There honestly are friendly Canadians and (having been a serial ex-pat for a long time and knowing it can be lonely especially at first) I hope you find some good friends to help make you feel welcome soon. You sound like you have a really great, positive attitude (much better than mine in fact!) -- I'm in complete awe!

Snobear4000 · 25/05/2010 21:04

OMG, there are twats in this world. We all have to learn this some time.

ChippingIn · 25/05/2010 21:50

Fabat40 - my friend and her boss were and are still very good friends (I'd go so far as to say they are best friends) and socialise all the time together - including weekends away, girls nights out, family stuff (on both sides) etc. They have no problems, it is the other woman, with the attitude, they no longer socialise with.

Original poster
tweetymum · 25/05/2010 22:09

Thanks a lot everyone, I have been feeling a lot more positive after all the nice comments here.

DD and I went off to another park today, there were a lot more people of different races around and seemed a bit friendlier. I got chatting to a Filipino nanny of a little girl around DDs age, and she told me that the park I went to first is patronised more by the local stay at home mums and they (the nannies) tend not to go there as much as they get the impression that the mums don't like it

ohthosealbertans, yeah, I do know about that, first hand experience. We are RC so the church hopefully won't be as conservative, but I have already been told I am a heathen by a person on the street, there are lots of those around for sure DH was very amused by this, as in our family he isn't very involved in religion, but I am a more religious than him (relaxed one though, and I enjoy the social aspect of church more).

OP posts:
Original poster
tweetymum · 25/05/2010 22:12

ohthosealbertans LOL, you got it spot on about the passive aggressive, that's exactly what I told DH after I had this experience in the park. The woman was so polite and sweet when she told me about nannies not socialising, she almost made it sound like I was the unreasonable one!

OP posts:
franch · 26/05/2010 17:08

Chipping - I'm assuming because both of hester's baby's biological parents are black, is that right hester?

I agree with ohthosealbertans - you really should (gently, subtly) alert this woman to her own racism.

RunawayWife · 26/05/2010 17:12

So its ok for mothers to socalise but not nannies????????

Very odd women

Bumperlicious · 26/05/2010 17:50

I'm glad other people pointed out that even if the OP were the nanny wtf is wrong with socialising? How else will children learn?

Sorry you've faced this OP, must be a real kick when you have just moved to a new country.

kickassangel · 26/05/2010 18:21

i think you should befriend the nannies, then do a 'raid' on the mum park & all turn up one day together. you can cheerfully stand in the middle, (sounding as british as you can) SHOUTING, 'dd, come to MOTHER', and as you leave the park, say loudly 'gosh, I'm glad she had fun, it's so hard being an international executive wife and raising a child'

my extended family can look a little confusing. the Greek Cypriot branch all dark skin, hair eyes, there's a bunch of us that are classic blonde, and another branch that have fiery red hair. if we all go out together you can see people looking at us and trying to work it out - they can hear us talking about 'grandma' 'aunty' etc, and there are quite a few of us cousins. they probably think we're all part of some weird religious sect.

ohthosealbertans · 26/05/2010 18:26

Tee hee! Years ago we had the "heathen" "conversation" (I use quotes advisedly) within my own extended family . . . the Anglican branch wasn't nearly Christian enough for the born-again branch. For instance, we didn't believe in literal creationism whereas they had books depicting the 6,000 year history of the earth. No doubt this would make my liberal American friends fall over dead in shock -- so it always makes me laugh the way Canadians perpetuate the myth that they/ we are all so much more enlightened and generally lovely than the Americans.

BTW, I grew up in a very middle class suburb where a "nanny" was a character in a film named Mary Poppins, and it certainly would never have occurred to us to assume someone was a nanny! (Unless she had a magical umbrella; I suppose that would have been a tip-off.) How times have changed. Guess it must be the oil money.

But really, Canada can be a lovely place. Oh, and one thing I would recommend is: learn to drive. Edmonton and Calgary are very sprawling and not exactly known for their public transit -- being able to drive will open up a lot more opportunities (socially) to you.

mrsgordonfreeman · 26/05/2010 18:30

I got mistaken for a nanny too, in Central Park. Dd and I are both white. I think it was partly because of our ages (I look fairly young and dd is six
months), and I did not see many mims out with older babies on a weekday.

She sounds very rude though, that woman, even if you were a nanny!