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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... To stop lending dh the odd pound here and there....?

53 replies

issysmilkbottle · 22/05/2010 09:36

we have separate bank accounts and dh 'gives' me housekeeping each month, we both have full time work and at home is my Ds(10) and dd (6months), dsd (15) stays occasionally and I give the kids pocket money into their accounts each month as well as sort all the household bills etc..

Dh keeps around 2-300 a month for himself, and all he has to pay for is treats for himself such as beer... And bus fare if he doesn't want to walk to work which is about 30mins away...

He is so tight at times, won't break a note and is always asking me for the odd pound for bus fare... I usually lend it to him but I have to nag to get it back and its such a fight, when we go out I always have to day for coffee etc and I even stormed out of a cafe once when he'd suggested we go for coffee, I sat down and said i'd love a latte, Ds asked fir a hot chocolate and he said he had no money and thought I was paying ! it later transpired that he had a tenner on him!

Anyway, towards the end of the month he also asks me to lend him twenty quid or so so I usually do and insist he pays me back which he does eventually while moaning like hell. Last month he asked to borrow a tenner and promised to pay it back the next day, he then renaged on that saying he 'gives' me too much housekeeping anyway and doesn't see that this is separate nor acknowledge that I financially supported him for 18 months while he was ill!

Aibu to refuse point blank to ever lend him a pound again or pay for coffees etc?

OP posts:

JaneS · 22/05/2010 09:42

I think you are both being ridiculous about money if between you there is enough for him to have 2-300 quid per month for himself. Get a joint account, you don't have to use it for everything, you can still keep some money separate, but then maybe he'll stop nagging you for money.

GypsyMoth · 22/05/2010 09:43

i'd be more worried about his blatant lack of respect for you.....he doesnt like you much does he??!

BAFE · 22/05/2010 09:44

I DON'T know how you can live like that, I really don't.

inchhighprivateeye · 22/05/2010 09:44

God he sounds mean. Is there anything more unsexy than a mean man?

TBH I don't get this 'lending' each other money at all. DP and I just give each other money as and when we need it. Certainly don't tot it up or expect it back if I give him a tenner. It's all family money at the end of the day.

I think you need to have a serious chat about both your attitude to finances.

GerbilMeasles · 22/05/2010 09:44

YANBU. He's a knob. Stop lending him money at all. Stop buying food for him. Stop paying for his children's pocket money and get all the bills put in his name for him to deal with.

He's not "giving" you housekeeping, he's contributing (fuck all, by the sound of it) to the running of the shared household. You both work full time, you're doing this on top. Refuse to do it unless he contributes his full share of the costs without any bollocks about how he "gives" you housekeeping money.

NewBirdOnTheBlock · 22/05/2010 09:46

Get a couple of bags of pound coins from the bank and when he doesn't want to break a note, produce the bag and swop for the note

Original poster

issysmilkbottle · 22/05/2010 09:47

problem is there really isn't enough for him to keep 2-300 for himself, I make up the shortfall and end up with about 30-40 for myself max, he won't discuss giving up more to the house and is bloody stubborn and no way will I have a joint account as he'd see it as open house to buy more beer / music etc. This is an area that we need to work on as there are around that too... (he admits he's selfish and slowly, very slowly that is improving....)

I just really want to know if Aibu about refusing to lend money to him?

OP posts:

lal123 · 22/05/2010 09:47

I don't get this at all - surely what's yours is his and what's his is yours etc etc? WE have joint bank accounts and I wouldn't think twice about "lending" DP a tenner?? I certainly wouldn't expect it back?

compo · 22/05/2010 09:47

Yabu
you need a joint account

chimchar · 22/05/2010 09:48

tbh, it sounds very petty... i could never imagine asking dh for a quid back which i'd lent him, but then i gues we share a lot more money...swings and roundabouts.

it sounds to me as if your dh may be restentful of giving you your housekeeping money or something and its making him petty about the smaller change iykwim.

so yabu, but i can see that it is part of the bigger picture which maybe needs looking at.

lazarusb · 22/05/2010 09:48

Some people don't know when they're well off.

Original poster

issysmilkbottle · 22/05/2010 09:51

ooh cross posts... Thank you, yes he is a tight sod and yet expects me to magic up tickets for festivals/gigs/holidays... I refuse now and point out that unless he gives up more then no way on earth will I pay for those things...

Really starting to get a better balance, he was really like a spoilt teenager and I admit I enabled him while he was ill and now i'm not, it causes a few rows but he knows I won't put up with it and slowly he is changing but I didn't know whether me saying no to the odd pound was taking it too far or not...

OP posts:

GerbilMeasles · 22/05/2010 09:51

Practice saying "fuck off, you have more money than me". Or just "no". No is a complete sentence.

Or (my preferred alternative) smother the selfish git with a pillow and make a better life for you and your DCs on the life insurance.

GypsyMoth · 22/05/2010 09:53

some relationships arent about 'whats yours is mine' with regards to money.....not everyone has joint accounts either.

i wouldnt advise a joint account with him either,he sounds horrible to be honest.

TheBride · 22/05/2010 09:58

I wouldnt ask for money back I'd lent DH, and we dont have a joint account, so I'm not sure that joint account/no joint account is the issue. You can take a "swings and roudabouts" approach without legally pooling all your assets and if OP's DH is financially irresponsible that's the last thing she wants to do.

Issue seems to be that OP's DH is a tightwad who skimps on his share of family expenses and likes to keep "his" money literally all for himself despite having more than the OP.

Op is therefore reduced to this position due to DH's unreasonable position.

Unfortuantely tightness seems to be a genetic trait- never met anyone who's changed.

Original poster

issysmilkbottle · 22/05/2010 09:58

he's not totally horrible, just money and his attitude at times, honest! And hopefully the latter is changing, just need to work on the money thing,...

Just sorted his life insurance btw, the company insisted the dd for his comes out if his account though so i'll need to make sure he keeps paying that!

OP posts:

cornsilkcottagecheese · 22/05/2010 10:01

get a joint account - I couldn't live like that

compo · 22/05/2010 10:01

If you had a joint account though housekeeping wouldnt need to be given
and there would be no lending and borrowing
you just take out what you need etc
can't understand lendng your dh money when it's all the both of yours anyway , like a partnership btw two equals should be

Gamam · 22/05/2010 10:02

I understand that its nice to have yoru own money.

Dh and I split any spare cash after teh bills /stuff for house/kids has been spent - 50/50. He can buy fishing gear. Ican buy clothes. Everybody's happy. it's fair all round. BUT if we went out for a coffee, I wouldn't think twice about buying them, or giving him the odd quid if he didn't have any cnhagne

JaneS · 22/05/2010 10:02

Show him this thread. He is being a complete tit and I wish you could see how far my jaw has dropped onto my chin reading this.

You are married. You appear to do a job plus housekeeping and get 30-40 quid spends, he does one job and gets 2-300. What planet is he living on? I've had flat shares that have been more equitably organized over who buys bog roll than your marriage seems to be.

Lulumaam · 22/05/2010 10:06

I can't get my head round the concept of lending/ borrowing money within a marriage.

Squitten · 22/05/2010 10:07

Goodness! I don't really understand the "mine and yours" thing with money. I'm a SAHM and all the money that DH makes is "ours". We have a joint account that he puts a lump sum into each month to cover mortgage, bills and food shopping and then puts money into my personal account for my own personal shopping whenever I ask for a top up.

He really needs to grow up!

GerbilMeasles · 22/05/2010 10:12

Fair enough OP, you don't need to smother him then (FWIW, it was my gran's standard advice on her granddaughters' wedding days - she used to tell us that if DH ever raised a hand against us or treated us with less than the utmost respect and love then we should take them out for the good of humanity. Because only a complete numpty would harm or disrespect the woman who was inches away from them when they were asleep and so at their most vulnerable, and anyone that daft should be removed from the gene pool right sharpish).

But for your own sanity and self respect, you should stop enabling him. You are not his mother and he is not a teenager. He should be forced allowed to act like an adult.

Maybe start "borrowing" money from him, a few quid at a time. Don't ever pay it back. Wait until he asks, then point out that he always borrows from you without paying back. Repeat as necessary.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/05/2010 10:15

FFS you havea prize cocklodger there. Is he really that good a shag? Good enough that you are prepared to keep him as a kind of costly pet?

Bobbalina · 22/05/2010 10:22

you need to agree a budget jointly because without this there are some dodgy dynamics going on in your relationship.

You both work full time - does he earn more than you? If so you need to agree what is "fair" as a way of paying for the household costs. It might also be that you need to give him financial responsibility for dealing with certain areas of the household budget as otherwise he is going to feel disenfranchised. This is not a marriage of equals because neither of you is treating the other as an equal - therefore there is in fact fault on both sides even though I have most natural sympathy with you here.

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