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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... To stop lending dh the odd pound here and there....?

53 replies

issysmilkbottle · 22/05/2010 09:36

we have separate bank accounts and dh 'gives' me housekeeping each month, we both have full time work and at home is my Ds(10) and dd (6months), dsd (15) stays occasionally and I give the kids pocket money into their accounts each month as well as sort all the household bills etc..

Dh keeps around 2-300 a month for himself, and all he has to pay for is treats for himself such as beer... And bus fare if he doesn't want to walk to work which is about 30mins away...

He is so tight at times, won't break a note and is always asking me for the odd pound for bus fare... I usually lend it to him but I have to nag to get it back and its such a fight, when we go out I always have to day for coffee etc and I even stormed out of a cafe once when he'd suggested we go for coffee, I sat down and said i'd love a latte, Ds asked fir a hot chocolate and he said he had no money and thought I was paying ! it later transpired that he had a tenner on him!

Anyway, towards the end of the month he also asks me to lend him twenty quid or so so I usually do and insist he pays me back which he does eventually while moaning like hell. Last month he asked to borrow a tenner and promised to pay it back the next day, he then renaged on that saying he 'gives' me too much housekeeping anyway and doesn't see that this is separate nor acknowledge that I financially supported him for 18 months while he was ill!

Aibu to refuse point blank to ever lend him a pound again or pay for coffees etc?

OP posts:
PfftThePinkoLeftyDragon · 22/05/2010 10:29

I couldn't live like this. The money,and the lack of repsect he has for you.

In your situation I would recommend

1 joint account that you both need to sign to get money out of - all DD's and bills come from this.

2 separate accounts which you put £100 a month into for spending money for both of you.

It is unfair that he gets more disposable income than you but I can see why you wouldn't want everything to be available to him.

This would be make or break for me. If I were you and he wouldn't agree to the above I would kick him out. He sounds awful.

expatinscotland · 22/05/2010 11:03

SGB sums it up well, as per usual.

Original poster
issysmilkbottle · 22/05/2010 11:17

I think what I might do is as a first step set up a basic joint account for all the dd's etc and get dh to put housekeeping into there and I will match it rather than into my account, then we can see black and white the situation...

Then as he is maturing, take it to the next stage of us paying our wages into there and then transferring out to our own accounts for the 'play' money....

I am nervous of joint accounts as my first dh was a total twunt with money and left me with huge debt so I don't want the same to happen with dh... Although he has no debt so hopefully not likely but he is crap with money...

Thank you all

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 22/05/2010 11:49

Look, why are you with this man? The way you speak of him 'maturing' is more the way one would speak of one's DC rather than a partner. DO you have a serious mother-child dynamic in your relationship? If so, no wonder he is behaving like this, he's 'rebelling' against you.
This doesn't excuse it of course but I wonder if you made more of the running in the beginning and he is a gutless tosser who rather than say he doesn't really want to be with you is doing all these petty selfish things to annoy you.

DaftApeth · 22/05/2010 12:03

Get him to pay all his salary into your account, then you can lend him all the money he wants

Bobbalina · 22/05/2010 13:04

Maybe you are almost forcing him to be the child over this because you won't give him any control because your previous dh messed up.

ruckyrunt · 22/05/2010 13:09

I think you need to sit down and sort out a far fairer way to distribute the money that comes into the household.

Perhaps even put all that you have into the pot and then pay all the bills from this money and then pay yourselves the same amount of money each into your own bank accounts

that way you would both have say X amount and have that till the end of the month

Pikelit · 22/05/2010 16:56

With a full time job yourself, I don't know why you put yourself in the demeaning position of having housekeeping money. Calculate your total income and against this, set our your total outgoings and then agree who will take responsibility for what. The higher earner making the greater contribution if you can't reach a sensible 50/50 split.

I can't understand the concept of "lending" each other money in a marriage/partnership though. We don't have a joint account but I cannot imagine a circumstance where we'd start tallying up money "owed". Specially for things as trivial as coffee in cafes!

Original poster
issysmilkbottle · 22/05/2010 20:53

I didn't do all the running in this relationship and have made it clear I can cope on my own perfectly well....

When he was ill I had to take it all on as we ended up with threats of baliffs because he wouldn't open mail etc and I guess as he's gotten better I haven't sat back as much as I should and when I do he fights it as its easier for him, that's what I mean about maturing, getting better from his panic attacks, anxiety and depression

OP posts:
biddysmama · 22/05/2010 21:10

wow! we dont have a joint account but dp (he works i sah)gives me his wage... i pay the bills etc and whatevers left over is ours to do what we want with... hes got more than me this week cos hes out on the razz with his mates... i have cash for activities with the kids during the week while hes at work... we never borrow money off each other

nighbynight · 22/05/2010 21:59

I would try to stop the housekeeping money situation too, eg give him some bills to pay. It sounds as though he thinks that the housekeeping money is like a petty cash account that he can just dip into as he wants. Would annoy me too.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/05/2010 23:39

So he has MH issues? OK but that doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life nursing him. I wonder if he isn't maybe milking it a bit - he gets far more disposable income than the rest of the household can afford, for instance.

DuelingFanjo · 22/05/2010 23:43

YANBU and you don't have to get a joint account, infact if he's spending more than his fair 'share' then a joint account would be an awful idea.

You should stop lending him the money.

porcamiseria · 23/05/2010 09:33

i dont think its the pound here or there, i think you have a massive bust WRT money. this is straw and camel back. suggest you put feet down and do a new cashflow, in excel! to see where money goes and see if what you have is fair and equitable

at the e

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/05/2010 11:35

Stop mothering him. Sit down together and go through your finances, what has to be paid and what might be left over. And if he still can't see he's being an arse, consider whether you really want to live like this.

TBH, you know what you need to do already - "... I guess as he's gotten better I haven't sat back as much as I should and when I do he fights it as its easier for him ..."

He is, as has already been said, behaving like a teenager rebelling against his mother. So stop mothering him and allow him to step up to adulthood. This won't happen if you continue to enable him.

EricNorthmansmistress · 23/05/2010 12:12

NOOOOOO NO joint accounts with men like this. My DH is a bit like this - will expect me to pay all bills but doesn't like tightening his belt when it comes to his stuff. Nowadays we have sorted it by me telling him how much money he has to give me each week and how much he will save, and how much he has left. I realised we were unequal and DH had more 'spends' than I did so I put a stop to it. It's about realising that you deserve enjoyment money as much as he does.

Do not have a joint account, some men are financially incontinent and unable to stop spending if it's there - and the OP would end up scrabbling around to pay the bills when he has spunked their housekeeping. I think you need a change though - work out all outgoings, see how much is left and divide that in two. If he spends his before the end of the month it's tough luck and no, you don't sub him. Tight arse git. At least DH is generous - too generous really, but better than a tight arse.

colditz · 23/05/2010 12:20

Do not have a joint account. And never give him any money again.

Do a list of eachperson's income, outgoing and disposable invcome, and point oput that you are doing more work for less money and that beer is not an essential outgoing.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 23/05/2010 12:21

Sorry but this is so weird. GO to the extreme, write down to the penny all the household expenses and split 50:50. Every pea, every bar of soap. THen what is spare from your wages each month you can spend on yourselves (not fair if you have different wages though IMO) but then announce (when he agrees) you have had a lovely big bonus and will be spending it all on yourself as thats what you do. THe only thing that bugs me about DH 'taking' money from me is he will forget to tell me and I think I have money in my bag when I don't.

Fibilou · 23/05/2010 16:14

£300 a month for himself ? That's more than I have for housekeeping money to cover food, clothing, toiletries, cleaning stuff and food/litter for 6 cats !

You shouldn't be giving him extra money - if he hates breaking notes then he either needs to get notes changed or you need to stop having pound coins readily available. Or just tell him to jog on. How much money do you get "for yourself" ?

Manda25 · 23/05/2010 16:29

I (genuinely) dont understand why some people can not get their heads round having separate money with in a marriage / partnership.
My partner and i have separate accounts - we spoke once about money 9 yrs ago ....and have never mentioned or argued about it since. All the bills are roughly shared and we are both left with roughly 1,400 each per month. He pays for a holiday - i take the spending money - it is so easily done ....we do it with out thinking about it.

If i had a shared account i would feel that i couldn't spend it with out discussing it with my partner first ....and yes - i would be really pissed off if he brought something with money that i was saving for something else..... he would go nuts if i brought a pair for shoes for 200 with 'his' money

My parents are exactly the same and have been married for 45 yrs.

Anyway - OP ...your oh is a dick - you need to stop lending him money - and have a serious conversation about your household financial responsibilities

DuelingFanjo · 23/05/2010 19:05

I agree Manda. Though I wish I had £1400 spending money a month

Manda25 · 23/05/2010 19:18

Dueling - 19 yrs ago (aged 17) i had my son - lived on IS totally hand to mouth for many years... I know i am very very lucky these days ...which is helped by low ish bills and out goings.....almost feel guilty

scottishmummy · 23/05/2010 19:19

dont go for joint acount at all,if you dislike his individual money habits then it will really annoy you what he does with your pooled money

the issue isnt actually the seperate bank accounts,it is his behaviour and your malaise about it

many people have seperate accounts and their own money and it works just fine for them

dignified · 23/05/2010 19:21

The general feel here is that hes tight and immature. My opinion is that hes tight, immature, AND controlling AND financially abusive. He didnt want to pay for your latte so lied about having no money with him ? Its unlikey he begrudges buying you a coffee , more likeley he likes the idea of getting one over on you.

Finances / debts ,are often a way to control a partner . Your lumbered with paying all the bills because he cracks on he cant deal with them. You end up with a few measly quid while he has £300 plus each month ?

Unless you agreed to take on this responsibility and agreed to have less money , youve been horribly manipulated into being in this position.

Fuck that, put a stop to that right now.
As someone else says, a joint account with a man like this is not a good idea. Why not give him certain bills to pay , split it so that you both have the same left over each month.

I wouldnt give him things that could result in serious legal action ie council tax or mortgage , but things like gas, electricity, sky, water , phone.
And of course he wont pay it, he will try to manipulate you into taking responsibility for it, just DONT.

But do state that should the water, gas or electric get cut off youll have no choice but to move out as you cannot live with a man who has such a lack of regard for his family.

If he knows this is bothering you and continues to do it anyway, id have serious doubts about staying in the marriage.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 23/05/2010 19:23

YANBU but you are daft to put up with this.

DH and I have a joint account but now I have my own account which he puts my housekeeping in. He gives me pretty much everything that is left after he has paid the bills. If he pays for groceries or such like while we are out he doesn't ask for the money from me. I can't understand how you can put up with this.
Your H is working on his selfishness? Unbelievable.

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