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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH needs to grow up?

126 replies

LordVolAuVent · 21/05/2010 21:46

Right, this is more a WWYD than AIBU I suppose as am pretty sure it is DH who is BU.

Not so DH refuses to change poo nappies. I think he's pathetic but as he's point blank refused it hasn't been worth the argument (we argue enough). When he's looked after him alone, he's tended to be quite lucky and DS hasn't done one, or has done one not long before I've got back, or he's got someone else to do it thedick.

I've got tickets to Wimbledon this year and want to go with my mum (dont want to take DH as he gets on my nerves too much and would like to enjoy it) but this means leaving DS. I could leave him with my dad and brother and DH gets a free weekend to getpissedandsleeparound have some fun with his friends, or I could leave him with DH. Obviously DS will poo. DH is refusing because of this. This has really got on my nerves, I think he's ridiculous.

So, the questions are, is DH ridiculous or is it a fair thing to not do it (he is really good with sick and deals with that, where I am completely useless)? Does anyone else have this problem? And AIBU to not arrange anything else and just leave DS with DH, forcing him to man up?

OP posts:
mrsbean78 · 21/05/2010 23:11

Dh's comment on the topic: 'some people think they can get away with being children for their whole lives.. and some people live with people who let them away with it."

Original poster
LordVolAuVent · 21/05/2010 23:17

Just out of interest, there is another thread recently started in AIBU where the OP states that her husband just expects her to cook every night for him, and despite the fact she's heavily pregnant called her a twat when she didn't. She does not argue because wants a quiet life (NOT my problem by the way, I genuinely have not cared enough about the nappies to really argue up til now, you lot care far more than me - don't think I could ever be described as living a quiet life).
No-one has suggested she leave him. Why? That seems not only disrespectful, treating her like an inferior and knobby, but also abusive.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 21/05/2010 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

maximinimum · 21/05/2010 23:22

Ex-h was similar in that he moaned fiercely about changing pooey nappies and developed a violent cough which went all through the changing! He insisted he was allergic to poo!!! It was a total wind-up but at least I suppose he did do it.

I think you need to force dh to 'man up' as per your OP!

Original poster
LordVolAuVent · 21/05/2010 23:25

"I think there's a difference between a woman putting up with an imbecile and a child not having a choice."

Don't quite understand. How does the child not have a choice? I don't think he cares who changes his nappy.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 21/05/2010 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WombFrootShoot · 21/05/2010 23:32

Wimbledon?

How very passe

scottishmummy · 21/05/2010 23:33

why are you couple if dh irks you so.do you have anything nice to say about dh?

what part do you play in facilitating this?why do you step up to take on tasks he refuses

you are lovers and partners.how did having a child become so divisive for you both

was it always like this?

NonnoMum · 21/05/2010 23:35

How old is he? 14?

And how old are you for putting up with him? 15?

Original poster
LordVolAuVent · 21/05/2010 23:47

OK.

I have to say, I think you're all reading a little more into this than there is (partly my fault for the crap anti-DH jokes in OP). While I think he is fucking ridiculous for not changing the poo nappies (he does do wee by the way) I have never really been that bothered by it, so have never really made a fuss. This is not because I want a quiet life/am scared of him/am a second class citizen, lerely because I really have never cared that much. If I'm going to have a row, I'll have it over something I'm bothered about. I've never taken it as a personal attack on me, or a sign of disrespect, or an attempt at a power coup in the relationship. I see therefore, that I'm partly to blame but as I said, it's not something that has upset me. As I said before, he pulls his weight in other ways with DS and around the house, and in the relationship.

If I had cried and wailed at him, and threatened divorce and he still refused to do it, I'd understand your points of view a bit more. If I leave DS with him, and he lets him sit in shit all weekend, I'll understand your points a bit more.

It has now become an issue because of the Wimbledon weekend, and yes, he is being a twat by saying he'd rather DS stayed with grandad because of the poo, but I think this is actually largely because grandad has expressed how keen he is and DH has seen the chance of a free weekend, his first in 15months, maybe a bit selfish but I'm getting one and grandad's being very encouraging. He is using the poo thing as a way to secure it for himself in the hope that I'll worry DS will sit in shit and so go with "safe" grandad, I believe. He'd probably get a better result if he was honest and yes, he is being a bit knobby. If I left DS with him, of course he wouldn't leave him sat in shit, although if someone else was around I'm quite sure he'd rope them in for nappy changing.

Given that I've never really made a fuss before and that he is otherwise caring, helpful, fair and hard-working, I think I'd be mad to divorce him over it and I think you're all a bit mad for suggesting it.
Please don't feel sorry for me, I am very far from an abused, down trodden wife.

OP posts:
Original poster
LordVolAuVent · 21/05/2010 23:52

"why are you couple if dh irks you so.do you have anything nice to say about dh?"

Yes scottishmummy, from earlier in thread
"He is quite nice most of the time, funny etc, works hard and takes care of us, v loyal, good father in most ways, DS loves him to death, gets up with DS every other morning, does bath every night (if not working), takes DS to soft play and stuff on days off, cooks my dinner on his nights off..."

As I've said, until now this hasn't bothered me, so it hasn't been particularly divisive.

Plus he buys me lots of expensive presents, I couldn't give those up

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 22/05/2010 00:01

if hes such a good dh why you bellyaching to strangers about his faults

NonnoMum · 22/05/2010 00:07

And suggesting that if he has a free weekend (negotiated by way of refusing to care for your child/ change his nappies), he might sleep around?
Or is that a joke that I've missed?

LnotOL

Still, you've got all that lovely expensive stuff...

Original poster
LordVolAuVent · 22/05/2010 00:07

Don't think that anyone is all good or all bad, everyone has their annoying things and sometimes (like after a row) they annoy you more than others.
Just thought I'd pop on, have a bit of a bitch about his ridiculousness (as doesn't matter because you are strangers), see if anyone else has same problem... Didn't think what I view as not particularly serious problem would get such a serious response.

OP posts:
NonnoMum · 22/05/2010 00:09

Well, maybe you need to have a bitch to RL friends, as written down in black and white, it sounds like your DH is happy to neglect your child...

Original poster
LordVolAuVent · 22/05/2010 00:11

I know, NonnoMum, it's brilliant. Shoes, handbags, diamonds...

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 22/05/2010 00:15

dont write your dh is tit,and get hump when folk agree

Original poster
LordVolAuVent · 22/05/2010 00:15

But then I wouldn't get you lot all heated up NonnoMum, so where's the fun in that?

OP posts:
Original poster
LordVolAuVent · 22/05/2010 00:17

Don't have hump at all, scottishmummy, completely agree he's being a twat about poo, just think that I'd be a bit mad to divorce him. Or do I have to agree with everyone just because I posted?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 22/05/2010 00:23

classic mn.you say husband is tit.folk agee.you try dispute the minutiae

here a tip dont post to strangers that yer man is a nappy shy twat and gump at response received

NonnoMum · 22/05/2010 00:29

Yup, been a few posters on here recently with a lighthearted first posting, which later revealed to be a cry for help.

And it does sound unbelievable that a man in the 21st century would let his child sit in a dirty nappy rather than change it.

So, did you expect us to say, "Ho, ho, what a silly billy, better let the child stay with his grandfather rather than his neglectful and immature father. Have a lovely time at the tennis. Hope your DH doesn't really sleep around whilst Tim Henman loses again"?

Or did you expect us to be a bit shocked?

Original poster
LordVolAuVent · 22/05/2010 00:37

you asked if I had anything nice about him scottishmummy, so I answered.. Here's a tip, don't ask something if you don't want to hear the answer. Don't think divorce is minutiae, the poo nappies are the minutiae in my view compared with some of the things suggested here im(obviously very)ho

Did not realise that, nonnomum, about people's cries for help. Will try to be a bit more responsible about my posts in future. I expected you all to call him a twat about the nappies and tell me to leave DS with him and do other various nasty things to him, like smearing poo on him a someone suggested, of course. Didn't expect you to try and save me (as in my view I don't need saving). Also, the sleeping around thing was a joke - odd sense of humour maybe - but would be really strange if my DH shagged around but I was just worried about nappy changing, in my view, so thought people would get that.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 22/05/2010 00:41

ok you hoped for gerls together,men twats threads

except that isnt true

most dads change nappies,share responsibilities, step up to it

not yours

and you didnt like advice received

well dont drag the detritus of your marriage around mn like a tawdry tale and complain about result

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 22/05/2010 00:51

Refuse to change the next pooey one. Walk out of the house. If he leaves your DS in a pooey nappy, he is abusive and cruel. If he changes it then he has made a mug of you for 15 months. Good lord, I had awful awful morning sickness nad two in nappies, I took to standing them in the bath, taking nappy off quickly, folding and flinging then gently washed them down with the shower head, but I did it. Very lucky DS only poos before you come in the door You never suspect he has been sitting in his own shit for ages while your DH waits for you to come home??

wukter · 22/05/2010 01:11

Jesus.

He's just being a chancer. Immature, knobbish yes. Cruel, abusive, no.

Pull him up on it, OP. Don't fucking divorce him because he is letting you do something you don't mind doing that he hates. Sort it out, yes. Lawyers - you are not there yet.