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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to this lady's house?

98 replies

cupcakesandbunting · 20/05/2010 13:21

I am going to sound like a right cow but hear me out...

DS has made friends with another boy at a toddler's group we go to and I sit and chat to his mum. She seems nice enough and I sense that she doesn't have many friends here and I know her marriage is in a bad way because she tells me as much. I listen and try and give impartial advice but as a relative stranger, feel a bit awkward discussing things that I would only discuss with family/good mates.

She had been pressing for a while for DS and I to go back to theirs after group and I had a free afternoon yesterday so we went. This is going to sound terrible but her house was really iffy It smelled and I don't just mean housey smells, it was really pungent and offensive. Then she made me a cup of tea and there was a weird oily film floating on the top so I didn't want to drink it, then she offered me some lunch but I said I was saving myself for my curry for tea (which was true tbh) but I really didn't want to eat anything from her kitchen I know I sound like a real snob, my house is NOT pristine whatsoever but it's pretty clean. Her kitchen was just really dirty and whiffy.

I feel really sorry for her but I really don't want to go again but she's already extended an invitation for next week. I don't want to have to be making up excuses every week for why we can't go. TBH, I like chatting to her at the group but I don't want to extend the friendship past that. We don't seem to have anything in common except for the fact that we're both mums and i don't want to become he person that she vents to about her marriage.

I am totally prepared to be told IABU and for a ruddy good flaming...

OP posts:
Original poster
cupcakesandbunting · 20/05/2010 13:23

God, I've just re-read this and I sound like a right cunt old mare

OP posts:
funnysinthegarden · 20/05/2010 13:24

run like the wind, sounds like a whole can 'o' worms you don't want to open. YANBU

Tidey · 20/05/2010 13:26

You don't sound like horrible, I would feel exactly the same. It's probably really cowardly but I would just find excuses to avoid going there again and hope that she'd stop asking after a while

Fruitysunshine · 20/05/2010 13:27

Well, we all have the right to build friendships with who we like and it seems she is trying to build one with you...just as you have the right to not want to build one with her and now want to distance yourself. You can't be forced to be friends with someone.

However I am a big believer in that people come into our lives for a reason and if I were you I would be wondering if the reason she has come into my life is so that I could help her in some way...

You mentioned that you only confide in your closest friends and family, perhaps she feels she is close to you and trusts you enough to tell her most personal feelings too. I would think she is actually very lonely and desperate for friends hence why her approach seems quite intense to you.

I don't think YABU for not wanting to build a friendship with anyone you don't wish to but I would make sure I was not reciprocating for decent reasons.

thumbwitch · 20/05/2010 13:28

you can't be friends with everyone - but do you think she is in need of help?

I don't know - it's a tricky one and I'd probably feel the same way you do about going back (and certainly about eating there) but I'd also be worried that she is getting overwhelmed and that's why things are slipping at home.

I'm not saying you should be her "rescuer" but.. well I don't know what I'm saying really, I'd be loath to walk away completely from someone in desperate straits I'd also not want to be the woman's only lifeline either.

Perhaps have her back to yours instead, as a return invite, and then maybe leave it?

Bramshott · 20/05/2010 13:28

Can you meet her at the park a few times instead?

yogabird · 20/05/2010 13:30

ask her over to your place?

QSnondomicile · 20/05/2010 13:30

I totally get you. But you can never say anything, because you WILL seem like a total mare.

I made the mistake of telling my husband that I got really bad wind and an upset tummy everytime we had been visiting a couple he knew from way back. Then I had noticed that the husband would not rinse the washing up liquid off the plates, just leave the suds to dry with the plates. And I innocently said to my husband "I wonder if the reason I always get an upset tummy at your friends house is due to the suds left on the plates?" And in turn my silly husband told his friend "My wife always get an upset tummy when we have been to your house, maybe we meet at a coffee shop instead". We have not seen them since!!

The point is. (sorry I ramble)
The point is that you could suggest to go for a coffee at a nearby cafe, or a stroll in the park, and avoid her house if that is what you want to.

Original poster
cupcakesandbunting · 20/05/2010 13:31

That's it, ThumbWitch. I don't want to just walk away because that's just mean. I wish I knew someone that I could introduce her to, someone that had stuff in common with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupcakesandbunting · 20/05/2010 13:32

Yes, the neutral ground idea is a good one. Then there will be distractions too lest I get a bit at being an impromptu Relate counsellor...

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 20/05/2010 13:32

Perhaps there is another mum you can invite as well? Maybe share the load, as it were.. and then maybe this lady would invite her around.

mrsruffallo · 20/05/2010 13:33

I think you are better off just walking away actually.
You obv don't like her, she's not yopur type of person.
There's nothing wrong with that
We only have a certain amount of expendable energy to share, might as well choose the people you click with

She probably doesn't like you that much, just desperate

Tryharder · 20/05/2010 13:34

I have a very dear friend whose house is probably like the lady's you describe whereas I am a bit Anthea Turner-ish and obsessive about housework. But different strokes and all that....I have to say I think you are being a bit unreasonable particularly if this lady needs someone to talk to. Why don't you offer to make the tea and give the cups a bit of a clean before you do so? Or if you really don't feel you can go to her house, invite her to yours. Or suggest lunch in a cafe? You don't have to cold shoulder her just because you think her housework isn't up to much. Maybe she's normally very tidy and clean but is depressed and has let the house go?

funnysinthegarden · 20/05/2010 13:36

MrsR, totally agree. The risk is that once you open the door to certain folk they will bleed you dry and still want more. My Mum is a sucker for this kind of thing and now she has an army of hangers on

mrsruffallo · 20/05/2010 13:36

But you can't be there just because she needs someone to talk to
Life is short
You need to spring clean acquaintances on a regular basis

funnysinthegarden · 20/05/2010 13:37

Yip, hence why I have no friends

Pancakeflipper · 20/05/2010 13:37

I cringed when reading this cos'I had similiar feelings to you yesterday... I was stood in the playground and one of the mothers who does struggle with life for various reasons was chatting to me and I noticed on her shin a homemade ink tattoo saying " Sod the fuckin' law. I'm smoking my draw."

And I made a mental note to not allow my child go for any playdate to that house. Sad but true and I am sticking to that.

BalloonSlayer · 20/05/2010 13:38

OMG I don't wash the suds off the plates either!

Does that mean that everyone who eats at my house goes home farting and groaning?

Original poster
cupcakesandbunting · 20/05/2010 13:38

"She probably doesn't like you that much, just desperate"

Saucer of milk for Mrs Ruffallo...

OP posts:
JaneS · 20/05/2010 13:39

I wonder if she doesn't have a sense of smell? It is surprisingly difficult to get everything clean if you don't, you have to be very obsessive and if no one has ever told you, it's odd but you won't realize. My friend hasn't got any sense of smell and (this is gross), she thought tea towels naturally went a bit stiff after they'd been out a while. Not realizing that they also smelt disgusting! We were at uni and she's learnt now, but perhaps this lady hasn't?

I'm saying this because oily film on drinks happens when the milk you've put in is on its way off, and if she can't smell that, she might not know.

I agree with asking her to meet elsewhere, btw.

Original poster
cupcakesandbunting · 20/05/2010 13:40

" Sod the fuckin' law. I'm smoking my draw."

ROFFLE

I too do not wash suds. Maybe should not be berating cleanliness of others

OP posts:
OldMacEIEIO · 20/05/2010 13:41

You need tact and diplomacy here cupcake. Try introducing her to someone who has little or no sense of smell and a cast-iron stomache. Possibly a bag lady

QSnondomicile · 20/05/2010 13:42

BalloonSlayer, it was probably not that at all! It could be the chinese take away we used to order, it was just a random remark from me to dh that was repeated, that ruined a friendship!

mrsruffallo · 20/05/2010 13:42

I didn't mean it like that cab- I meant these type of people that latch on to anyone who is in the least bit friendly
They tell you their life story and suggest meeting up on your first encounter so it can't be personal
Can you tell I have met people like this? It has hardened me I know

OldMacEIEIO · 20/05/2010 13:42

lol little dragon - you pipped me to it