To not want to go to this lady's house?

[cupcakesandbunting]

I am going to sound like a right cow but hear me out...

DS has made friends with another boy at a toddler's group we go to and I sit and chat to his mum. She seems nice enough and I sense that she doesn't have many friends here and I know her marriage is in a bad way because she tells me as much. I listen and try and give impartial advice but as a relative stranger, feel a bit awkward discussing things that I would only discuss with family/good mates.

She had been pressing for a while for DS and I to go back to theirs after group and I had a free afternoon yesterday so we went. This is going to sound terrible but her house was really iffy It smelled and I don't just mean housey smells, it was really pungent and offensive. Then she made me a cup of tea and there was a weird oily film floating on the top so I didn't want to drink it, then she offered me some lunch but I said I was saving myself for my curry for tea (which was true tbh) but I really didn't want to eat anything from her kitchen I know I sound like a real snob, my house is NOT pristine whatsoever but it's pretty clean. Her kitchen was just really dirty and whiffy.

I feel really sorry for her but I really don't want to go again but she's already extended an invitation for next week. I don't want to have to be making up excuses every week for why we can't go. TBH, I like chatting to her at the group but I don't want to extend the friendship past that. We don't seem to have anything in common except for the fact that we're both mums and i don't want to become he person that she vents to about her marriage.

I am totally prepared to be told IABU and for a ruddy good flaming...

well done cupcake, good call. How's the vino? Mine was/is a large glass or two of NZ Sauv Blanc. Very nice too.

pmsl at hairytoe's story! Especially moving across the country.

YANBU cupcakes, life's too short. Incidentally, what is her preferred method of death for her husband? Don't get too close or she'll be wishing death upon you before long.

How do you all attract these people? I feel a bit jealous that people aren't so desperate to be my friend. But then, I actually am an old mare cunt

Lord VAV, I too am truly jealous that folk like this do not approach me for 'friendship and a bit more'. But then I do have a 'DO NOT APPROACH' sign on my forehead, so perhaps thats why............

I love HairyToe's story so much that I am going to memorise it and tell people in RL as if it happened to me! (That way people will think I am hilarious and popular/alluring too)

LVAV, you are a stalking freak in the same vein as the OP's 'friend'

I had this experience a few years ago... met a mum at toddler group and when it turned out that our kids shared the same physiotherapist (both children have special needs) she invited me round...

My son couldn't walk but could crawl and as I stepped in I noticed the carpet actually crunched...and couldn't bear to put him down on it!The coffee cups also had that odd oily sheen on top!

I'm reasonably clean and tidy tho not obsessive but I'd never seen anything quite so grotty.. it smelled.. of food and dirt, the other children were VERY grubby with ground in dirt not 'just played in mud' sort .

The other mum was ok, just didn't seem to have any awareness that most peoples houses weren't that dirty, and I used to suggest meeting in the park etc.. that way we could be vaguely friendly without me worrying about the biohazzard aspect!
I'd try to be friendly but with a bit of distance

lol funny, maybe I will become so, even more amusing than pretending it happened to me. Seems a bit time consuming though

LittleRed My OH doesnt have a sense of smell either - will you be my friend? Other people dont understand what its like living with someone who cannot detect a dirty nappy unless someone says 'whats that fecking awful smell?'

Sometimes I come home from an afternoon out on a warm day and am knocked over backwards by the stench of nappies, dogs and god knows what as he and the DCs happily sit playing the Wii stewing in the fug.

chesgirl, don't your DC smell it? Or have they inherited his lack of sense of smell?

cupcakes - I take it back, if she has MH issues you're probably best off staying out of it, sadly - but if she looks like she's not coping, might be an idea to recommend Homestart or someone to her. Even have a chat to your HV or someone (if you still have access to one) and ask if there is some kind of help that is available for people who are struggling to manage, if you really want to do something.

I'd also suggest meeting in a neutral place and asking if she's getting help - maybe ask if she's getting help re. her marriage difficulties, that would be an easier way to ask. And recommend Relate/Homestart etc. Just tell her in a direct but kind way that you don't think you can give her the answers re. her problems, and that someone with training would be better able to. I know it's easier said than done to say that to her, but I think she'd benefit from your honesty.

Ideally you'd also want to let her support know that she's not going about making friends very well, but I've no idea how you do that! She might be already seeing someone who's encouraging her to make friends at toddler groups, and they have no idea that she's laying it on a bit thick...

Can you suddenly find something you need to do on a regular basis straight after toddler group? Something she wouldn't/can't join in with?

Sorry, I stopped posting now because I was pissed tired so am going to do one big reply now...

HairyToe I gather that she's on strong anti-depressants but how effective they are I don't know. She seems manic a lot of the time and like she's teetering on a breakdown so that's a reason I feel guilty for not being supportive. Like you said, if she was a close mate I'd be doing everything I could to help but I just don't know enough about her situation to be able to do anything.

LVAV I don't usually attract anyone. I've spent 6 years complaining that I've made no friends in this area (all of my friends are 8 miles away so could do with someone local to have a cup of tea with/natter to) and now someone shows me a bit of attention and I moan about that, so there's another reason I feel like a bitch. She has made a preference for her DH to die in the car on the way home from work...

Didgeredoo I think I am going to say to her "oh my mum is going to start coming on a wednesday to help me with housework etc but she won't be here 'til 2 so do you want to take DCs to the park/soft play for an hour?" then I'm not being a complete cow and giving her some company but there will be distractions if she starts using me as a sounding board for her personal woes.

funisinthegarden the wine was very nice but I've woken up with a hangover toothache. I've never had that before...

*stopped posting last night. Still pissed, clearly.

cupcake, I too woke up with a hangover sinus headache thing. Tis shit, I never get hangovers......I am impressed that you are doing the right thing by this laydee.

BTW my MIL once said, when my FIL was dying of cancer that she wished he would just get on and die. It FREAKED me out and I thought, you can't lay that on me missus. Like I was complicit in some way........I felt as though I had betrayed DH in some way

Ahhh, I hate the sinus thing. I wake up with that most mornings though so i end up popping Sudafed and feeling pissed again

How did you feel complicit? Just because she'd said it to you so by sharing that confidence, you were now involved? TBH, when my grandma was dying of throat cancer and emphysema, I just wanted it to be over and I said as much to my brother but in not-so-blunt terms

Yes, because she had involved me by telling me how she felt. Totally different you talking to your brother about your grandma.Nothing to feel guilty about there.

It was as though she was trying to off load some of her own guilt by imparting this information. I then had to deal with how to tell DH what his mum had said, because my loyalties lie with him. Nasty all round really. Mind you she was a bit of a nutter at that stage

and FIL was not at deaths door, they were on holiday with us and he was undergoing treatment....anyway my point was be wary of this lady who has a deathwish for her other half

thumbwitch "Rhian, do you use a washing up bowl or just plug the sink? If you use a bowl, you can rinse off each item as you go, letting the water go outside the bowl (how we used to do it at my parents' house with only one sink)."

Is that what the bowl is for?! DH and I have been trying to figure that out for the last 5 years! Oh God, I am going to call him and let him know!

Ah ok. I can see how that's different from saying it at the hospital, under stress from having had no sleep etc etc. Bit wrong, actually

Yes, the death wishes are a concern, although I've wished various bodily harms upon DH at various low points of our marriage, but I'd like to think I didn;t say them with a manic glint in my eye

thumbwitch Yeah they can smell it and DS3 will be able to feel it (it would be in his nappy).

They just dont care. All of my kids wouldve/are happy to sit in their own dirt for hours if allowed.

of course, tis natural in any marriage, just don't think i've ever gone as far as wishing him dead and then telling people. For a start were anything to happen to him, the finger of suspicion would be pointing straight at me

TBH don't feel too guilty running like the wind this lady sounds a little bit full on. You'll just end up getting coerced into giving her your mobile no. or address and that would be a mistake.

It's alright to be snobby every now and again, even tho I'm a bit of a scruff myself and found a dog hair in my dinner last night. When the alarm bells ring listen to them.

If she needs help her family might be giving her more help than you think. Sometimes you can't help everyone.

Morloth, pmsl! really glad I could clear that up for you!