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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ex partners!

105 replies

2blessed2bstressed · 20/05/2010 10:00

Ok, I'm prepared to be pounced on here...but, is it really unreasonable to wonder if my new partner might be able to reduce payments to his ex slightly since she is now living with someone else full time and they are getting married? It appears that the CSA only look at net pay and take no outgoings into account. They also advised my partner that the maintenance is for his ex and she can spend it how she chooses. Let me make it clear - this does not appear to be on the two children!

OP posts:
Ladyanonymous · 20/05/2010 10:14

Did he raise his payments when he moved in with you?

Are you trying to say this new guy is somehow responsible for your partners kids now?

fireupthequattro · 20/05/2010 10:16

Doesn't it depend on the divorce contract? Is the money for her (alimony) or the children?

Try this site

Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 20/05/2010 10:23

My partner/boyfriend/whatever you call it, doesn't live with me actually. As I said, I knew I would get pounced on, but his circumstances have changed - he now pays more than double what he used to in rent because he had to move location through work, and I DO feel that if someone is living with a partner and making contributions then perhaps they might not need such a lions share of my p/b/w's income. There is an awful lot more to this sadly - for example, when the children come to him for weekends etc, the clothes packed are dirty and too small often. She tells the children that he is trying to stop them going on holiday (he isn't, why would he?)and she phones at least once a day for no other reason I can see than to scream abuse at him. They split up over 6 years ago and she is engaged to someone else so why does all this still go on?

OP posts:
titchy · 20/05/2010 10:23

The money's for his kids (and that includes housing costs - even if she spends the equivalent amount on clothers for herself, presumably she is stillproviding a roof over theri heads?).

They're still his kids and he shoudl still support them irrespective of whether their mum gets remarried or not.

JaxTellersOldLady · 20/05/2010 10:26

I suppose it depends on the divorce settlement.

But why should he stop paying for his children? He shouldnt. It isnt the responsibility of the new husband to provide for someone elses children.

Although in saying that many men do provide as a step father and not just with money.

And besides, it really isnt your business.

Sorry YABU.

ChickensNeedOpposableThumb · 20/05/2010 10:26

Sorry, the payment is for his children. They haven't disappeared, so he should still pay. It's not up to the ex's new partner to financially provide for your partners children.

titchy · 20/05/2010 10:26

The other issues are separate to the amount he should contribute to their care. Need sorting out admittedly, but still seperate.

And no, that fact that his rent has gone up shouldn't make a difference inprinciple. Imagine 'sorry dcs daddy's rent's gone up so he can't afford to give us as much money each month so we can't afford to stay in this house'. Hardly fair for his choice to move jobs to a more expensive area to impact on the kids.

Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 20/05/2010 10:30

fireupthequattro (fab name), they were never married - the money is for the children, but she doesn't seem to spend it on them. Although my partner doesn't live with me, I've bought his children clothes, make-up, got their haircut when his ex complained that it hadn't been done right when their grandmother took them to hairdresser, and paid for youth club and a drama group. This is because my hardworking partner who loves his children very much, simply has no money left over to pay for these things. Meanwhile his ex drives a bmw and wears pretty expensive outfits while her children sport Primark and Matalan - nothing wrong with either of those, but they don't match their mum!

OP posts:
Morloth · 20/05/2010 10:32

None of the other stuff matters, they are his kids and he needs to pay for them.

If he thinks they are being neglected etc then he needs to deal with that as a separate issue - without involving money.

saslou · 20/05/2010 10:32

If your dp feels that his dc are not being looked after properly, he should be taking this up with his ex and perhaps have the children live with him. If I was a parent not living with my dc, then their care is what I would be worrying about.
So far as the money is concerned, I would be very pissed off to be giving an ex maintenance and for it not to be spent on caring for the DC properly. He should go back to his solicitor and see what can be done. I think that once she gets married, he is no longer liable to pay for her, just the DC, but I'm not sure. I don't think that his increased outgoings should affect what he pays for his DC as their care is more imp than his disposable income, but I would def be concerned about how they are being cared for

Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 20/05/2010 10:38

She is in council house, in no danger of becoming homeless, and new fiance has moved in and is renting out his old home. It all just seems so unfair. My partner moved back to this area because employer moved him - it suited him to be in the same town as his children again obviously but the rent here just is more expensive, but he could hardly commute 200 miles now could he?

OP posts:
pleasechange · 20/05/2010 10:39

OP are you talking about CSA payments? If so, then no, the payments won't change

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/05/2010 10:41

FGS These are HIS children, if you do not like the fact he has to pay for them then you should not be with a man who has children.

Do you have children? if so are you happy for their father to reduce payments now you have a new partner?

If you don't have children well i would butt out. In fact either way I would say butt out.

Children do not come cheaply, school lunches, uniforms, daily activities, shoes, dinners, home, bills, etc all need to be paid and you Partner fathered these children so he should be paying. If that means your nights out are hindered because he cannot afford them well TOUGH basically.

He could reduce the rent he pays by renting a room and visiting his children. Not reducing the monies paid for his childrens upkeep to keep a flat.

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/05/2010 10:43

Primark are better for children who scrap the knees out and such than keep buying expensive clothes.

fireupthequattro · 20/05/2010 10:45

If the money is for his DC then that's that. He can complain about how she is spending it,but can't really do anything. If he is paying more than the minimal CSA perhaps he can recalculate the payments and then spend the difference on them.

My DH has 3 kids in the same situ. He gave a lump sum to them (live in Germany) and she spent it on plastic surgery. You just have to step back and keep out of it TBH. Not being mean to you, but it's very stressful situation and you can't tie yourself up in knots about it - believe me it'll get you nowhere.

Just think of that money as a loan repayment, it doesn't exist for you two.

One day the kids will question their mother and see the truth, just keep as neutral and welcoming as you can.

Morloth · 20/05/2010 10:45

"It all just seems so unfair." Life often is.

Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 20/05/2010 10:48

I am a widow with two children, one of whom is severely disabled, so I'm not really up for expensive nights out Lady Evenstar - particularly poisonous post, thank you. My partner pays for school uniform, shoes, and as I said I have paid for drama group and youth club. Their school dinners are free (although I suspect that may be based on a benefit she may no longer be entitled to). As for renting a room in a shared house - how would that work for weekend and overnight visits?

OP posts:
TheLadyEvenstar · 20/05/2010 10:53

Maybe poisonous because my ex got together with someone and SHE wanted him to reduce the payments although she had 4 dc of her own.

littlemoominmamma · 20/05/2010 10:54

YABU

WombFrootShoot · 20/05/2010 10:58

YABU

I lurve these kind of posts. Boohoo my partner has to pay for his kids and the wife is a bitch.

Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 20/05/2010 11:04

Ok, so I am being unreasonable, I can live with that!Think I will take fireupthequattros advice and try not to get so worked up about it all. I will suggest he gets in touch with the csa as he is paying more than they say - because he IS a responsible person, and as far as all the other stuff goes, I just need to support him as best I can. Once he's been to court because she won't sign the Parental rights and Responsibilities form, it'll hopefully be easier for himto have a bit more say. It's just that at the moment his ex seems to have everything her way. One last thing, he'd love to have his girls live with him, and in my humble opinion, that would be the best thing for all concerned, but a custody battle would not.

OP posts:
Ladyanonymous · 20/05/2010 12:31

And you reason for saying this is that the kids are clothed from Primark and sometimes their clothes may be a little on the tight side?

Sometimes my kids wear clothes that are slightly too small for them, thats because I struggle, I stuggle to put petrol in my car to get them to school and myself to work, to pay the Council Tax, to keep topping up the gas and electric meters, to pay my TV licence, to pay for all the bits and bobs of money and things that the school need us mums to provide. I stuggle to pay for the one after school activity/hobby each of my three children choose to do and I feel are entitiled to do. I struggle to insure, tax and MOT my car, I struggle to pay my mortage, I struggle to pay my household and buildings and contents insurance, I struggle to find things to do with my kids in crap weather when I have no money, I struggle to top up my sons mobile which he needs as he has to walk to and from school alone, I struggle to pay for birthday presents when they get invited to parties, I struggle to provide presents and parties for them themselves, I struggle to provide all the equipment required by the three different schools my kids attend. I struggel to repair/replace the washing machine/the fridge/the TV when they go wrong which they frequently do because they were all secondhand.

Thats beforeI even think about clothing myself for work, or having a social life or a holiday.

I bet sometimes their clothing IS a little tight

VinegarTits · 20/05/2010 12:43

YABVU and if your dp did ever have his girls living with him he would feel the pinch in his wallet a damn sight more than he does now

I cant work out if he is tight fisted, jealous she has a new dp or controlling, but he should pay for his kids no question, and stop trying and control how she spend her money

SlummyMummyAndProud · 20/05/2010 12:48

Have a look at this: CSA Leaflet

Might help you understand what he has to pay.

MadreInglese · 20/05/2010 12:49
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