ex partners!

[2blessed2bstressed]

Ok, I'm prepared to be pounced on here...but, is it really unreasonable to wonder if my new partner might be able to reduce payments to his ex slightly since she is now living with someone else full time and they are getting married? It appears that the CSA only look at net pay and take no outgoings into account. They also advised my partner that the maintenance is for his ex and she can spend it how she chooses. Let me make it clear - this does not appear to be on the two children!

WFS - Prob about a fiver a week

LA - She probably spends that on nail varnish or something, the bitch.

The thing is, if I were paying maintenance for my children, and I felt that they were being neglected in some way (I mean, clothes from Primark?! THE HUMANITY!!!) and their clothes were dirty and too small, then that would be the issue, not the fucking money, the fact that the children weren't being looked after properly. All of this bollocks about paying the money directly the children blah, blah, blah is just crap. CRAP.

LA - the op said earlier that she'd been contributing. A lot of people are coming to this from the perspective of having waster ex husbands who haven't paid their way, but this doesn't appear to be the case here. If the dc are being sent to the dad with dirty, ill fitting clothes while the mother has nice, new things then as the dad I would be concerned and wouldn't trust her entirely with the money. But these are a specific set of circumstances, very unusual and if these circs did not exist then I would not think that a non resident parent should say how money is spent or that the new partner should be involved

Ah see i am a ex wife with 2dc from the marriage and i just had matiance halved because him and his new gf are expecting so apparently my dc need less stuff .

Mind not that really going to notice reduction down from £2 to £1 but to me its the fact that by having another child mine miss out yetwhen they got together she was fully aware he had 2 dc , not that he ever sees them but iykwim

Giving the money directly tot he children??? What utter nonsense. My ex recently bought DS a mobile as a 24 hour hotline of vitriol way of communicating with DS. I objected, said he was too young, and reiterated that he should call on the house phone whenever he wants and that DS takes it into his room for a provate convo. 4 weeks later DS needs phone credit, he is too young to even understand how it works. After a phone call from Dad, he asked me for £20 out of the maintenance to pa for credit. I explained calmy (huh!) that the maintenance goes on the mortgage to keep a roof over his head.

Yes, gve it to the children. They can have nice clothes and Nintendo's and live on the street. Maintenance pays fr some semblance of stability if you are very lucky.

"I would be concerned and wouldn't trust her entirely with the money"

but you would trust her enough to do the day to day looking after of the children?

Depending on the ages of the children, dirty clothes from Primark could pretty much describe my girls some days!!!! And lately my eldest has been going thro this neverending growth spurt, so she'd also tick ill fitting clothes.

They grow so fast and primark do cheap and cheerful.

I on the other hand am boden clad from top to toe..........well OK maybe not strictly true, but my clothes are expensive, however I don't grow (wish I would just a couple more inches), I don't role around in dirt and drop food all over myself, or engage in energetic play which ends in the annihilation of my dress.

Honestly may I ask, the people questioning the childrens appearance, do you have children, want to swap your angels for my little ever growing demons for a couple of days????

I have children with two men - neither of them are wasters, both of them pay.

What we hear from the OP is HER perspective of the situation, which sounds very judgy and downright bitchy and jealous and smug.

My kids get clothes from Primani, I do too, I also have slightly nicer clothes, as I have a job I need to look presentable for and I am not likely to grow out of my clothes anymore.

I have never in my life heard of a non-resident g/f who the father doesn't even live with forking out for school trips, and I doubt very much if what the OP says is entirely true.

OK, I take the point that it is the resident parent who gets the payment, so as that could equally be the father, I suppose that takes the inequality out of it.

I can see why payment is reduced in the case of the father having more children, though. In any family more kids= less money being spent on each, just by dint of the amount of available money being the same.

I really haven't meant to offend anyone, as I have no particular axe to grind wrt CSA/ maintenance. DH does pay maintenance, and always has (actually paid more before his exP- who I have NEVER thought of as a "bitch" btw!!- got the CSA involved) That is as it should be, and I have no problem with it. It's more been other people's experiences re the CSA that made me ponder on the fairness of the system, that's all.

What the OP says is entirely true - the kids are 10 and 13, so not exactly still rolling around in the mud all day - although my youngest does. As some of you realise, and some of you just can't...the money probably isn't the issue, there are many concerns, and yes, this is a very specific, and I'd like to hope unusual situation. I have a good relationship with the girls and I know about school trips etc because my child is at the same school. Pleaase tell me none of you can justify ex deliberately packing soiled underwear for example??!

Instead of getting yourself worked up about the money he's paying OP, I would be more conserned about how the mother is caring for the children if what you have said is true.
I find it very hard to stomach that you could be with a man who allows the kids to be mistreated in such ways, mistreated in your own opinion.
I would also be wondering why the kids were soiling their underwear at 10 & 13, unless there is some form of medical condition of course.
Op, your DP doesn't seem to be bothered so I don't see why you should be.

Maybe she is making a point by sending dirty clothes?

I have been tempted to do this many times, as I send a bag of clean clothes I expect a bag of clean clothes back......

LA - I'm more than happy to have dirty clothes back, last time ex-p tried to iron DDs clothes they were ruined. Some men just cannnot iron without buring. Maybe just my ex-p, he's special in those ways

SVSF - Ironed?! now thats taking it a little too far - I don't iron if I can get away with it!!!

No idea why she's putting "soiled underwear" in their overnight bag. That seems strange in a couple of ways. Why are girls of 10 and 13 soiling their underwear and....WAIT! a minute, you almost got me there with your little tactic of changing the focus of the discussion. If your partner believes his children are suffering from neglect and he is doing nothing then he is a fuckwit.

Anyway after a little searcheroo I think I'm going to throw you a... There Are Other Life Lines out there for you to pursue.

When I said that if I was the dad I wouldn't trust the ex wife entirely with the money, I mean that I would (in these specific circs) prefer to pay the rent/clothes directly rather than assume the ex would do it. I would not give the money directly to the dc. I have made my judgements based on the assumption that the op is telling the truth.Just because she is the new partner it doesn't automatically follow that she resents her dp paying his share. I would'nt send my dc somewhere with dirty clothes. I know children have growth spurts,so the clothes being a bit small is excusable if this was the only thing wrong and the mother did buy new clothes fot the dc, but the op has said that other things are going on (ex wife is saying untrue things to the dc about their dad). Earlier on I did say that if I was the dad I would be taking this up with the ex wife and that I'd be looking to have the dc stay with me if I felt they weren't being looked after properly. It is not about the amount of money or clthes coming from Primark, more that there is concern that what is being paid for isn't finding its way to the children.

Hmm mind the ex wife can be seen as nasty one always 2 sides .exh new gf has enjoyed telling everyone how evil I am ...blah blah. Moved kids away etc .yet reason I moved wE because my kids were suffering due to his gf being 17 he's 39 and even when lived round corner he did not want see his son because cools not handle him being disabled. To the point he has let it be known that he hopes baby is a boy so he can do proper boy/dad things

So maybe less slagging of ex we only have op opinon and always 2 sides

I always think it can be a sign children are free and play outsid eand not hampered by consumerism if they have dirty clothes. Mine often have holes in them and we're certanily not poor. It think it's great. If the non resident parent wants to dress them in different clothes whilst visiting they can

OMG I asked - when I look back at original post - one question - which has snowballed into I don't know what. To summarise, I worry that money isn't actually being used for the children, which raises a greater worry about their care in it's entirety. We have raised concerns with Social Services, but no feedback as yet - I didn't want to get into all of that, as I'm not jealous, bitchy or smug, and I'm trying not to be judgemental. When we have the kids we do our very best, but hands are tied really a lot of the time. I'm going to stop looking at this thread now as it's starting to upset me, but I would like to finish by saying that I feel some posters are superimposing their own situations onto me and venting the probably quite rightful wrath they have regarding that. I have several friends who are "the ex", but they (being more aware of the bigger picture)still agree that in this case it's almost impossible to support ex's actions.

2blessed

Don't post your personal issues on a public forum if you can't take the consequences of it snowballing.

"I've bought his children clothes, make-up, got their haircut when his ex complained that it hadn't been done right when their grandmother took them to hairdresser, and paid for youth club and a drama group."

stop doing this if you resent it.

I am afraid I think it's disguting you've gone to social services unless you are really really sure the children are being properly abused. And abuse is not dressing chidlren in practical cheap clothes which even at mym income level I see as a sign of care not of neglect. It is awful if social services get involved. Is their father really so worried about their care he should involve the authorities who might even remove the children from their mother?

What perhaps he ought to do is offer if th emother will let him to have the children to stay more so he (and definitely not you, he) can clean their clothes, iron and clear up their sick when they're ill and do normal parent things rather than just occasional weekend father stuff.

If people moved to a system where only specific things were paid for which plenty of non resident parents do direct to the child at univesrity stage it is hard. In my court order it says I pay the school and unviersity fees of all 5 childern whoever they live with as I earn mroe than their father so that would mean a cheque by me to the schools which of course I do (and they live with me) but other epxneses, the main one is housing of chidlren surely and that's huge and also childcare if you work so giving the money direct ot the child doesn't really work.

My best advice is avoid men with an existing family as you'll just have no end of trouble. there are plenty out there without those obligations.

What is wrong with clothes from Primark?!?!?! My daughter has clothes bought from lots of different shops GAP, M&S, Next, Primark wherever really

HIS kids he should pay to keep them maintained, i know how hard it is as my partner pays maintanance for his 3 kids and my ex won't contribute a penny for my 3. i am an indipendant woman and feel i shouldn't rely on my partner to support my kids, even though he treats them like his own as i his. hope it makes sense.

Can see both sides here and think OP is taking an unfair pasting.

There isn't really such a thing as 'ex partners' is there, there's just people. Some people are reasonable and fair, some people are grasping liars. Some people's ex partners are of the grasping type.

I know it's a bit of a god given 'they're his kids, he should pay! etc but this argument isn't often applied to firmly to mothers is it - they're the mothers kids too. Women don't get slated on here for starting families they can't afford.

My brother's ex managed to avoid paid work for ten years by choosing willing men and spacing her children in such a way that they would need her 'care' ie presence in the home and she could sleep off a hangover every day in place of a job for a decade.

Nobody forced either man into that situation, and of course both of them should pay for their kids (and they do, well above CSA minimum etc). But it grates. It's only human to see that it grates.