To wish the next 11 months away?

[CinnabarRed]

DS2 is 4 weeks old; DS1 is 2.6 years.

I hate the newborn phase. The broken nights, the constant feeding, getting not even a smile back from DS2, neglecting DS1 because DS2 screams anytime I put him down, the anxiety and constant worry that I'm not doing if Right (especially re not being able to get DS2 to settle himself to sleep or even put him down).

I felt just the same with DS1, only really lifting at around 6 months when he became a little person in his own right.

I long for the next year to pass. DP tells me I'm wrong to wish DS2's life away. But each day passes so slowly, even with DP giving DS2's late feed as a bottle of EBM so I can get some sleep.

I just hate this phase.... Sigh.

oh my god, please please ignore that HV. Keep your DS2 in the sling as much and for as long as is helpful!! The self-settling thing is just nonsense as far as I can tell. I used every trick in the book to get DD to settle when she was a baby; I fed her to sleep until she was well over 1 after which it stopped working, to my horror At just over 2 she self-settles absolutely fine, with only very gentle input from us along the way.

And you're not being unreasonable about the not liking the baby stage either. Sure it's possible to stare in wonder and awe at their early development (cf 1st poster) but that doesn't alter the fact that many people find it a thankless business caring for a baby who is able to give such limited feedback. Personally I am loving the toddler stage; the more talkative and responsive my DD is, the more I love looking after her. I'm expecting DC2 in October, and would love a third at some point, but getting through the baby stage twice more is a pretty daunting thought. You aren't alone!

This too will pass - in the meantime ignore the idiot hv, use that sling, try to stop feeling guilty and use your support network to the max to get through this difficult early stage.

My babies live in the sling for the first few months, never had any issues with self settling.

I feed them to sleep as well, there is a reason it works!

Your HV sounds completely insane.

You have my complete sympathy, I really struggled with the first 6-9 months of DS. He cried non-stop and wouldn't sleep more than a few hours, I think I had a bit of PND too. It was vile and he was my first, I totally admire you for managing with a newborn and a toddler.

Keep chanting "this too will pass" and get as much help as you can from family, friends and DP. Have not read all thread but go see your GP aswell. Co-sleeping saved my life - it was the only time DS ever shut up - could you get one of those cots that sit alongside the bed if you are worried about squashing baby?

DS has just turned 3 and we're thinking of trying for number 2 on the condition that baby arrives aged 12 months (birth might be a bit painful though lol!)

Libelulle - but I thought that if they can't self settle then they can't lull themselves back to sleep when they get to the wakeful stage of each 45 minute sleep cycle do you get a child that wakes every hour through the night? Did you really manage like that for 2 years?

Or am I misinformed?

CinnabarRed I carry DS2 (8weeks) in a sling for say 60% of his day, plus all the time I am feeding him (he is asleep in my arms right now ), he goes to bed at 8pm and we don't hear from him until 3am when he feeds and goes back to sleep until 6am.

I feed in in our bed from around 7:15pm until 8ish, he is usually drowsy but not always asleep when I put him down, I have wandered in there 1/2hr later for something and he has been awake but content.

Also at the 3am feed I put him in the cot when he is done feeding whether awake or asleep.

Now obviously a huge chunk of this is good luck, but I honestly believe that one of the reasons he is happy to go to bed by himself is that he is carried and cuddled all day long, so he feels safe and secure. He knows I will come back and pick him up if he cries, but he doesn't feel anything to cry about.

ChickenInABasket My first was a total nightmare. Someone later said it was possibly because was a ventouse/forceps baby, and was in pain initially - might not be true though. Second was a piece of cake, so don't let your first experience put you off totally! DC2 was a really easy baby - but a nightmare toddler, of course .

Sorry, the point of my rambling post was that carrying my DSs in a sling a lot has only ever had a positive effect on their ability to self settle.

CinnabarRed - no no, absolutely not!! Every 45 mins until 2?! Who do you think I am, a saint? What I was saying is that my experience was that my DD learned to self-settle by herself, and that my role in the process was pretty minor.

She did take a while to sleep through, but nothing out of the ordinary - she was feeding to sleep and still doing night feeds at 11pm and 4am until she was 9 months old, when we persuaded her to ditch the 4am feeds (offering cuddles galore but no milk), which took a few days, then by aged about 14 months she stopped needing the 11pm feed. As I said, she stopped feeding to sleep at around the same time of her own accord. Since then she has slept through as well as any normal toddler - ie 11 hours a night most nights, with periods of random or illness related waking up at night for a few weeks then going back to sleeping through. Bedtimes are similarly variable in their ease- sometimes she needs a lot of coaxing pleading and bribery, sometimes you can just say 'night night sweetie' and leave the room.

To be honest the more I think about it the less confidence I have in our (me and DH's) role in the process! Certainly we nudged her in certain directions (eg giving up her 4am feed), but on the whole it was her, not us, who set the tone. She is very small (9th centile) so I think she slept through when she was physically ready to do so, which was later than some.

Anyway, sorry for the essay - just wanted to give a perspective that goes against all the 'you musn't do X or it makes a rod for your own back' kind of advice. Do what makes life easiest - make changes when you think something has become intolerable (eg 4am feeds!), not when a book tells you to.

Oh Morloth, I would be so happy if someone could look forward 4 weeks and tell me my DS2 would be the same as your lovely DS2. I think part of my concern is because DS1 was a terrible sleeper and I spent so much time (and so many tears) sorting him out.

YANBU - especially as regards sleep. An honest friend told me to think of the first 3 months as just something you have to get through and if you enjoy some bits then thats a bonus. I personally found this very helpful as for the first 6 weeks I averaged an hour and a halfs sleep a night due to tag team crying from my twins. Every morning I would draw the curtains and think I am one night closer to them sleeping through.
It is worth remembering that the first bit does pass slowly as you are awake most for most of it so each day is twice as long.
In the first few months I didn't actually manage to have a 'good day', so I mentally split it into chunks, for eg I would be pleased if we had a good afternoon, or a successful bathtime.
Hang in there! You are doing a much better job than you give yourself credit for.

I feed mine to sleep and standard for a tiddler seems to be waking every 2 hours. Is yours waking every 45 mins?

Ignore the HV...they are a bunch of titboxes, they come round and have to bitch about something...........I would love to meet my HV's kids, bet they are little buggers.

Cinnabar, just wanted to say that I wished away the first few months and DS is now 7mo and I'm just starting to enjoy him. I was never a 'baby' person; thought this would change when I had one - nope!

AND I used a sling/fed to sleep etc (ie did all the 'wrong' stuff) and despite this he began self-settling and SLEEPING 7PM - 7AM at 16 weeks.

So tell your HV to stick that in her pipe and smmerrrk it!

I knew this time around I had a good health visitor when she commented

"god, I hate health visitors round here, not one of them have actually had kids you know"

in tones of complete contempt.

Her advice to everyone is "if it [whatever it is you are doing, eg feeding to sleep, sling, ff, early/late weaning etc] gets you through the next 24 hours and it doesn't hurt baby or you, then it's no one elses business but yours".

I feel she should be cloned and sent everywhere

First few months withi a newborn and a toddler are incredibly hard but they will pass.

Sorry if I am repeating what may have been said ad nauseum but you have PND by the sound of things. You've told your GP how you feel so I am assuming he/she has considered this?

I'm the opposite; I don't want DS to get any bigger cos I adore him as he is! Hope you feel better about things soon.

Cinnebar just do whatever works for you and your family. If something is working for you (i.e. the walk to get your head together and my god don't you need that with a baby + kid!) then do it. It might stop working, so find the next thing that works.

You love them, you care about them and you will do the very best you can for them, they are already waaaaaaaay ahead with just those things.

Seriously, whatever you do will be fine. Do what works and ignore any advice you don't like.

Sorry but I don't think you have PND - you are knackered with a toddler and a baby. Being very sleep deprived gives all the symptoms of being depressed. Get as much fresh air as possible. Is DS1 at pre-school yet or in another form of child care. Give yourself some slack and stop worrying about whether you are enjoying your baby or not you will if you don't think about it - its a waster of energy.

Oh Morloth, I would be so happy if someone could look forward 4 weeks and tell me my DS2 would be the same as your lovely DS2. I think part of my concern is because DS1 was a terrible sleeper and I spent so much time (and so many tears) sorting him out.

Sorry - random double post....

Cretaceous, thanks for the vote of confidence, DS was indeed a ventouse baby and had an undiagnosed tongue tie till 7 months which made feeding a nightmare. He is now a delightful and easy toddler. Hopefully number 2 will be easier!

Oh sod the HV and do what feels right. Babies don't really have enough awareness to self settle at 4 weeks anyway!

If you're more of a toddler/school age person than a baby person then you've got years to enjoy them - think how awful it would be if you were a baby person and hated school aged children and found them irritating....1 year vs 10.

My mother wasn't a baby/toddler person at all (to the extent that she outsourced caring for me as a baby to a maternity nurse and then a nanny because she really didn't have a clue) and I turned out okay. I don't remember being that stage, she does, so my thinking is if wishing away 11 months is what gets YOU through then that's fine. It's not going to hurt them!

yanbu, I wished the 6 months away. It wasn't much fun for me TBH.

Do whatever you need to do to survive, it will pass.

The sling is back! Both DSs seem much happier as a result.

Libelulle - yes, absent the sling DS2 does consistently wake 45 minutes after being put down. His preferred 2 hourly routine goes 10 mins of feeding, winding, an hour of cuddling, 45 mins of sleep....