To wish the next 11 months away?

[CinnabarRed]

DS2 is 4 weeks old; DS1 is 2.6 years.

I hate the newborn phase. The broken nights, the constant feeding, getting not even a smile back from DS2, neglecting DS1 because DS2 screams anytime I put him down, the anxiety and constant worry that I'm not doing if Right (especially re not being able to get DS2 to settle himself to sleep or even put him down).

I felt just the same with DS1, only really lifting at around 6 months when he became a little person in his own right.

I long for the next year to pass. DP tells me I'm wrong to wish DS2's life away. But each day passes so slowly, even with DP giving DS2's late feed as a bottle of EBM so I can get some sleep.

I just hate this phase.... Sigh.

Crikey - ignore that HV!

The sling was my lifeline with my DD until she was about 3 months old and didn't need it anymore.

And she was my only baby! Planning to TCC DC2 shortly and can't imagine how on earth you deal with newborn AND toddler except by sticking newborn in sling the whole time!

(PS my DD settles herself to sleep fine and has done since about 5 months).

That HV really is useless.

at your HV.

Use the sling. Get outside. Take it one day at a time and don't worry about habits.

Things get better after the first 6 weeks and then again after 12 weeks. Your baby will sleep better and feed less and your toddler will get older and more self-sufficient.

I used the sling constantly with DCs 2&3, indoors and out. They both self-settle.

Do what you need to do to get through it!

IME HVs can be patronising and make everything worse - ignore it. My Mum had a friend whose own mum wouldn't let the HV in because she was just making things worse for her and making her feel so bad.

Thing is they are given all these 'guidelines' that they HAVE to give you (whether they themselves believe in them or not). Just do what you gotta do. It IS good enough if it works for you and keeps you happy and healthy! YOU are the parent and YOU know what is best for YOU and YOUR baby. Not them. YOU are the one dealing with it all at 3 in the morning!!

Talk to someone about PND - even if you are unsure. If you have any doubt at all it is best to get it checked out sooner rather than later - go to your doc if you have to or raise it with the HV when you next see her and make her do someting useful .

I'm sure I had PND last time and never said a word to anyone. In hindsight I can see that I did and asking for help would have made life a lot simpler for everyone. Go for it - you have nothing to lose. Even if it just turns out to be a bad patch, you will get more support where it is needed.

Good luck xxx

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's a perfectly natural reaction as far as I'm concerned. I had no problem with DD (now 4) though did find the first 8 weeks pretty hard. DS was a nightmare though, hardly sleeping, never settling, and looking after him (now 2) nearly broke my marriage. He had colic and never slept for more than an hour or two, up ten times a night screaming even at 1 year old. I tried everything, read everything, the doctor actually made me buy a sling to see if that would help. Now he's two he's sleeping through but he wasn't doing so until he hit two. I look at other new borns - the sleeping ones - with absolute envy but shudder at thought of another one myself. DH practically has breakdown if he hears a newborn cry. So yes, I understand totally. Finding it hard doesn't mean you don't love the babe; looking to the future is a good survival strategy. There will be good times in the next 11 months though so cherish those when they come. And hopefully yours will sleep through in just a few more weeks!

The HV does not know your baby better than you.

Do what works for you as a family and not what the HV says. They are not always right.

YANBU. You could be depressed and it is good you will check this out, but OTOH some people do prefer the baby phase and others prefer the child phase. Everyone is different. Ignore the health visitor and do what you think best. Take care.

I really feel for you.
I didn't like the first year of DC2's life. I had PND and I remember at her first birthday just feeling an enormous sense of relief. However I do look back on that time with a bit of sadness that I didn't enjoy her more, but hey ho, I think in the first year of the second child's life you just get by. But she is now 18months and bloody lovely and funny and toddling and it is GOOD.

Oh and please, as others have said, ignore your HV. The sling saved my sanity. Baby would sleep, DC1 had my attention and all was calm. As soon as I tried to enforce sleeping in moses basket all hell broke loose and all three of us were crying.

Do whatever you need to keep sane and keep the love for the baby and worry about self settling later!
My DD self settles fine and I never had to 'teach' her.

Totally agree re HV posts.

Don't feel bad btw - I didn't like (hated even!) the baby stage, and I didn't even have PND as a reason. I think some people just aren't wired to like babies. My mum didn't like babies. My DD is 8, and she already doesn't like babies, even though I do everything to encourage her, as I want grandchildren one day! Yet other children I know really coo over them, and my DS at least likes babies.

My DC are at the primary school stage now, and it's brill... well worth the 6-month struggle.

Cinnibar - sorry you are feeling low. Ignore the HV - do waht feels right for you and your family. If yuo are low, getting out and dooing something you enjoy is vital. At the end of the day HVs are not all-knowing gods - I hate the way they interfere with something that's working and make you doubt your own abilities as a parent.

Please go back to your GP - if you ar feeling bad, you should be getting help now, not having to wait until the six week check.

You're all so kind - sitting here feeding DS2 in tears.

DS1 had to go to hospital at 3am yesterday morning for an emergency assessment - turned out to be "just" an ear infection and he's already much better with heavy duty antibiotics inside him. DP's lovely parents have travelled 300 miles today to come and help out. So have actually just had an hour's sleep, which made me feel a bit better too.

In RL I'm a confident, capable professional woman - it's just this one area that makes me fall apart at the seams.

Lucky DS1 has turned out as lovely as he is despite me - all credit to his laid back personality.

Yes - ignore the HV and use a sling - they were my lifeline with both my two.

I read something that said human babies are born 9 months too early so that the head can fit through the birth cannel - hence why they need to be kept close for the first 9 months before they start to become more independent.

Until mine could crawl/walk/talk they spent a lot of time in the sling and neither are remotely clingy now (age 7y and 5y), although they still like to come in bed for a snuggle in the morning (not till after 7am though!)

Thank god for this thread. DD1 is 4.5 and DD2 IS 4 weeks. Was starting to get paranoid that I was doing it all wrong, as DD1 self-settled from about 3 weeks & I don't remember her crying as much.
DD2 sleeps ok at night though, but wont settle during the day for more than 20-30 minutes unless being cuddled, or is in pram. Was thinking of getting a sling to help, as poor DD1 is fed-up of being told "just give me 5 minutes" when she wants me to play. At least warmer weather means lots of trips to park or out for a walk to entertain DD1 too.
Not sure if I have just forgotten how much time newborns take though!!

You are being really hard on yourself. It's funny isn't it, I was like this with myself and yet when we hear someone else being so hard on themselves we think "noooo, you are doing well'.
Just be kind to yourself, take each day as it comes and you are not a failure for finding it difficult.

YANBU!!!! i am not looking forward to having a newborn and toddler come Sept time, and four weeks is when it really kicks in. God I spent the first few months tired and depressed, so dont feel bad!

But that HV is talking UTTER SHIT, I actually avoud them for this reason

YANBU,

dd is now 15 months and I'm only NOW really starting to enjoy her.

I've never really 'got' babies, but a nice chunky toddler on the other hand .

For me, the sad time is when their milk teeth start falling out and they enter middle childhood.

Tell the HV to stick it up her arse and use the sling if it works for you.

I don't get much out of the baby phase either but LOVE toddlers (most of the time!)

Chiefpastachef - what I would give for DS2 to self-settle like your DD1 did....

Partly to take away that particular anxiety (although I suspect a new worry would spring up in its place). But mostly because it's so soul destroying in the middle of the night when DS2 has finished a feed and I know he'll be awake for the next in 1.5 hours but I can't go to sleep because he has to be cuddled for another 45 minutes before he'll be put down.

Neither DP nor I get on with cosleeping, we worry we'll roll onto DS2.

Cinnabar - your ds1 is lovely because you and DH are lovely parents. Both of you. You're good at this - it's just hard. A bit like maths.

Any chance you can use a side-car type arrangement? We use cot with one side off, raised with books under feet to level of our mattress. Foam next to his mattress with sheet over both so that his mattress is wedged next to our bed. That way I can lean in to feed him, or just roll him back when he's conked, etc.

Should tell you that ds is still a shocking sleeper (!) BUT that he's so much fun now, it's easier to accept, and we know it won't be like this forever.
Keep posting - you'll get endless sympathy!

YANBU. There's no excuse for pp admin. It's not as though they haven't had enough practice in organising strikes.

Ignore idiot of a HV, this year will fly by take tons of photo's because if you blink you'll miss it.

Lots of good advice on this thread, you'll all be fine

Cinnebar - if you are up cuddling and feeding ds2 all night then you definitely need to do whatever you can to make your life as 'easy' (use that term loosely!) as possible during the day.

I was the same with dd and it was a nightmare. But it really doesn't last forever (despite bloody feeling like it at the time).

And when you are sitting there in the dark, feeding / cuddling ds2 back to sleep, you can pretty much be sure there are masses of other parents around the world doing exactly the same thing as you at the same time (while thinking 'come on, fall asleep, can't be bothered with this, oh, are you asleep?... yes?.... ups, no, damn, no don't wake up... that's it, sleep sleep sleep, bugger, my arm feels dead, wonder if I can just shift him over to the other.. poo, don't wake up again, shhh.....' and so on).

I used to get up with DS, go downstairs and watch tv in the dark while feeding. I'm sure I was doing it all wrong, but it made me feel better that I was expecting not to sleep, iyswim. Of course, didn't tell the HV .

Ignore your HV!!! Some HVs should come with a hazard warning. I used a sling with both of mine as it settled them, but they both self-settle happily now and I wouldn't change a thing.

My dc3 is due this week - I will do whatever the feck suits me and her, and will avoid HVs like the plague. I will use a sling and co sleep and feed to sleep if that is what she wants. I did with DD who is now 9 and she is fab. I didn't see a HV after 3 weeks, she was growing and developing fine and I didn't want the stress. Best move ever. I had PND with DS who is 12 and found that being without the bloody interference helped me avoid it 2nd time around. With newborns surviving each day is a big achievement so well done.