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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to leave my anxious partner cos life is quite unbearable really?

71 replies

Questa · 18/05/2010 22:43

DP has anxiety and generally not coping with life. Gets angry all the time and seems to resent our life with our beautiful small children.

Communication is practically obsolete; he is not a talkative person and any attempts at discussion usually end with me in tears suggesting we'd both be happier if we end the relationship (he says it's fine).

I am torn between wanting to support him and wanting to tell him to get a grip.

On the other hand he has plenty of good qualities, so perhaps it's too much to expect your partner to enjoy life?

Dunno, am rambling..

OP posts:
ChickensNeedOpposableThumb · 18/05/2010 22:45

YANBU to not want to live this way. Is your DP getting any help?

toja555 · 18/05/2010 22:45

Sorry Questa, I cannot advise, but will be watching this thread with interest, as my DH is not talkative person either.. I wonder if only with me?

SolidGoldBrass · 18/05/2010 22:46

Tell him to get help or get out. It's not fair on you or DC to have to live like this.

bibbitybobbityhat · 18/05/2010 22:48

Is he receiving treatment for his condition?

Can you say a bit more about it?

Tiredmumno1 · 18/05/2010 22:51

Hey its ok to ramble, especially if you need to talk.

do you think a seperation may make him actually realise whats important in his life? if you think he might realise what his lost when he loses you, then maybe a trial seperation could help.

is there any family support or his gp to help him with his other problems in the mean time so you can distance yourself, it must be very hard if there is no communication. i only say all this if you think its the last resort.

Original poster
Questa · 18/05/2010 22:51

He was on Prozac last year (no effect) and now on 40mg Citalopram.

He thinks counselling would be a waste of money (why pay someone to sympathise with you that life's tough with 2 small children).

I don't think I am very good for him, really. His sense of humour is not to my taste. This week when helping to get the children ready for bed he commented on my eldest's sticking out tummy (normal for a 3/yo full of food and milk) 'ooh look at your big tummy! Should we cut it off and sell it?'

However, he is not abusive, contributes financially and cooks a good roast dinner. Perhaps I should not complain.

OP posts:
Original poster
Questa · 18/05/2010 22:52

PS thank you, I am desperate for support, but don't know where to find it (other than counsellor @ £45 ph!)

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 18/05/2010 22:56

does relate charge, if it doesnt maybe you could both attend that, but thats if you want to sort the relationship out.

do you want to stay with him, ask yourself and what does your heart say.

LordVolAuVent · 18/05/2010 22:58

Is awful living with angry, non-talkative man. I have that problem. Comes a point you have to stop making excuses for them if they won't sort themselves out, I think.

Maybe not abusive but certainly draining at least, and there are other forms of abuse than physical.

I think if you get to a point where you are unhappy most of the time, you would clearly be happier without him, however difficult at first. If it's half and half, try a bit longer, but don't think good roast dinner is that much of a consolation.

Poor you, don't blame yourself whatever you do, he is, I presume, a grown man and needs to be responsible for his own actions.

LordVolAuVent · 18/05/2010 23:00

you can get free (or pay as much as you can afford) marriage counselling from marriage care (google to find in your area). Usually a wait (up to a month)

Original poster
Questa · 18/05/2010 23:01

Yes Relate do charge. We are both working so arguably could afford it.

Yes I do want to stay with him, but only if he is happy. I could even live with the tummy-selling comments. What I can't live with is the constant anger and apparent resentment at the realities of day to day family life.

We are all healthy, employed, have a comfortable home and friends. What is there to get stressed about?

Suck it up!

(and yes, I have said all this.

OP posts:
LordVolAuVent · 18/05/2010 23:05

You can't make somebody be happy.

Anger management for him? Would he agree?

Original poster
Questa · 18/05/2010 23:05

Thank you LordVol, am off to google Marriage Care..

He is a grown man, yes. He did say yesterday that he feels inhibited and not free to be himself (likely to be my reaction to the tummy selling episode) so I have to accept my part in our problems. Even if I don't quite see it..

OP posts:
LordVolAuVent · 18/05/2010 23:07

Not necessarily Questa, sometimes it's easier to blame others for problems that are your own fault or of your own making.

Tiredmumno1 · 18/05/2010 23:09

And just to let you know if you are still lookinh at counselling try having a look at the nhsdirect website, i havent looked but may be worth a quick peek.

Tiredmumno1 · 18/05/2010 23:10

looking

Original poster
Questa · 18/05/2010 23:10

Thanks, he's not angry in a violent, breaking-things kinda way. But his frustrations are writ large all over his face, he clenches his fists, he is generally cross over everything (constant chorus of 'oh for f**'s sake' in angry voice).

Just basically very tense and moody, and quite frankly I think he should make more effort to manage his emotions and not let them imapact everyone else in the house.

He genuinely does seem to struggle with believing that his moods are a. visible to anyone and b. anything to be taken personally and c. likely to effect the mood of other people, i.e. me.

Rambling again, not at my most coherent tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Questa · 18/05/2010 23:16

Hmm Marriage Care seems to have religious (Catholic) connection - we are not married (another issue!)

I am quite weary at the prospect of Relate or similar. I've patiently and politely explained the effect his behaviour is having on me, and offered as much support as I can humanly manage. And yet still it continues. So then I just cry, and suggest we seperate.

NOthing works.

OP posts:
LordVolAuVent · 18/05/2010 23:21

They are a Catholic organisation but accept anyone. Feel your pain, sounds familiar indeed. The frustration. Just reading your posts is vexing me. That's why i suggested he do something like anger management alone, the problem is his, you are being perfectly reasonable. He is being unreasonable. It is even more annoying when they are so unreasonable they can't actually see that.

Original poster
Questa · 18/05/2010 23:28

Does it get better, LordVol? We have been really struggling since just before our 2nd was born. She's 2 next month.

From all external appearances life is so rosy. I can't understand why he can't just be happy. Or take action to address whatever's missing in his life. Or just be a man and admit he can't cope with it all and leave.

I object to the 'it's how I am, it's no big deal, live with it' attitude (which is never said explicitly, of course).

OP posts:
Plumm · 18/05/2010 23:43

What is it that he seems to resent about his life?

R2G · 18/05/2010 23:45

I can help you with this. Have an identical problem with a few extra bits thrown in. I've just ended it, gut wrenching and heart wrenching BUT the house and my heart are peaceful. My nerves are not terrorised and I dont have to put on a pretend mask for the world. I have loads of energy and the sun was shining today. My ex is having a nervous reakdown but is final seeking all the help he ever needed and I'm sure it will continue that way and we will all be happier.

Most telling: My DC said today 'listen mum'

What?
'no shouting!' :-)
I did the right thing, so much unsurety and now I've done it I know it was! Good luck whatever you decide. Either staying or going requires strength and you have it more than you know x

Original poster
Questa · 18/05/2010 23:47

Hi Plumm

He says the children are stopping him doing things.

Kinda inevitable, since they are 1 and 3. But that's all par of the sacrifice you make when you become a parent, no?

Mind you, he also says this about his job.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 18/05/2010 23:47

He sounds like a childish, selfish knobber to me. I'd be telling him to grow up or fuck off TBH, it is not fair on you to have to live with constant sulking and moaning and banging about, and not fair on DC either.

LordVolAuVent · 18/05/2010 23:48

Hasn't for us so far, Questa, I'm sorry to say. I've told him to have anger management or leave as I don't want our son to see us like this and think it's acceptable (neither do I want to live like this), he is refusing to do it (says for financial reasons, I think he doesn't want to because he'll have to talk and face up to the hurt he's caused - guilt not an emotion he handles well) so I've asked him to leave. He is currently refusing so we are at stalemate!