to want to leave my anxious partner cos life is quite unbearable really?

[Questa]

DP has anxiety and generally not coping with life. Gets angry all the time and seems to resent our life with our beautiful small children.

Communication is practically obsolete; he is not a talkative person and any attempts at discussion usually end with me in tears suggesting we'd both be happier if we end the relationship (he says it's fine).

I am torn between wanting to support him and wanting to tell him to get a grip.

On the other hand he has plenty of good qualities, so perhaps it's too much to expect your partner to enjoy life?

Dunno, am rambling..

I think that Relate may help, either to bring you together or to part in the best possible way. You both sound as if you have given up on the marriage and are just going through the motions of every day life.

By the way, my ex always said that, "Oh but we are fine" the fact that I had been asking out for years was not important, because obviously, what I thought wasn't important in his great scheme of things

R2G, thank you for sharing your story. How long did it take you to decide to leave?

I am still hanging on to a glimmer of hope that it will get better when the children are older. If I left now, I wouldn't feel I'd given it everything I had - that there is still a chance we could make it work. I keep giving it just a little more time..

Solidgold I need a bit more of that. So my romantic notion that things'll get better is me deluding myself, do you reckon?

He won't leave, anyway. He just looks at me like I'm mad, and says 'there's no need to leave. we want to be together.'

Things might get better, so don't give up hope. However, it does sound as though he's getting a lot of attention from being angry all the time. Do you adapt your own behavior to fit in with his moods? Maybe try to avoid things that annoy him, or try to talk/jolly him out of it?

If your 3 yo was acting like this, what would you think? Would you be bending over backwards to accommodate his wishes, or would you think "ho hum, tantrum, ignore it"?

Because this seems like controlling behaviour to me. People act in a way which gets them a desired result - these might be perverse results (negative attention is still attention) but consciously or not, they're working towards that aim, and adjusting their behaviour to get there.

My advice would be to carry on with your life. He'll either modify his behaviour, or escalate it. If it's the former, problem solved, if the latter, well, you might have to think about whether you want to share a home with someone who puts you on edge all the time.

"'there's no need to leave. we want to be together.'

Do you get a say on that or are you in the same position I was years ago?

It won't get better, because he basically thinks that he matters and you don't - ie that you are there simply to look after him and put up with his bad moods, indeed give into him and never ever ask him to do any housework or childcare because then, boohoo, his cock will fall off he will get angry and stressed and it will all be YOUR fault for not being obedient. Tell him that if the DC stop him having the life he wants he can leave the house and have all the non-father life he wants (oh, apart from the 20^ of his income he will have to pay for their maintenance of course). If he is aggressively angry, or gets physically violent when you tell him to go, you can call the police and have him removed at least overnight.
OK maybe he has MH issues or whatever, that doesn't entitle him to treat you like crap.

hm, it doesn't sound like he wants anything to change. he's in his comfortable little rut & willing to drag you all down there.

it could be genuine depression, or just being an arse.

is he just struggling to accept the responsibilities of being a grown up? he complains about his job & the dcs (nice), but let's face it, there are MUCH worse things he could be trying to live with. ok, so knowing that there are war zones & starvation doesn't make the 3 am feeds any nicer, but it should give him a sense of perspective.

he is NOT the centre of the universe, he HAS CHOSEN to take on having a job & children, and he now has to live with those responsibilities.

why don't you give him a break down of what life would be like if you split up? the kind of house he could afford, sole care of the kids for x days a week etc etc. THEN ask him if he really wants that 'freedom' after all. Sounds like he thinks the grass is greener. Point out to him that he can either carry on as he is or start heading towards the life of the 'macdonalds dad'.

the way you describe things, it's hard to feel sympathy, but maybe he really does need more help?

Errr, am I missing something here? Sounds to me like your partner is ILL and not just a selfish tosser. He's overwhelmed by life because he is unwell.

Doesn't make it any better for you, so . But he's ill. Depression is crap for everyone in the family.

By gum this is familiar (not exactly the same though). Completely miserable.

Are there patches when he's not like this? When was the last time you felt really relaxed? Is there anything that makes him feel better and act like less of an arse (exercise? eating regularly? sleep?? more sex? meditation?)

oh dear, hope SGB doesn't read this, but the thing is I really do think it is worth trying to sort this out. IMO that means drawing a line. Like asking him to leave the room if he wants to swear because you don't like being sworn around. Like saying at the time it is happening, 'Now you've said that in that way, I have a knot of tension in my stomach and I don't think I should have to feel like that'. Get more in his face about this. Being calm and rational is not working. Getting angry (in a positive, nonaggressive way) might.

My DH's behaviour has been similar to your DP's. He complains that children stop him doing the things he enjoys and is cold with me, as though I am completely to blame for wanting children and ruining his life. Luckily he is a good dad and does not show these feelings in front of the children, and like your DP he has his positive points. He does struggle on and off with depression and it been worse since we had a family. He married me and became a first time father in his forties. Prior to that he had a lot of freedom all his adult life.

In the last six months, DH has improved as our youngest has become more independent and he has more time to himself, so I am starting to think that this might be the light at the end of the tunnel. In my more understanding moments, I have married someone that is mentally ill and unable to cope with the stress that the majority of us put up with. But in darker moments there is part of me that still thinks he is a selfish self centred b***d. I'm not sure how this is supposed to be helping you Questa, but I suppose I wanted to say that you're not the only one and I know how awful this situation can feel. I am reading the replies with interest.

He could be hugely, hugely depressed. Men sometimes find it incredibly hard to express what is going on in their heads by "talking about it" they just get angry and stresses and you're left drowning in bad vibes and getting het up about the tension.

He really sounds like he needs help. He probably knows he's driving you away but can't help himself.

To be honest, I think he sounds very controlling and manipulative.

He bangs about in a mood, shouting and swearing. He wont go for councelling because he thinks it is FINE. He wont leave, because he thinks there is no need because "you want to be together". NO YOU DONT, Not when he behaves like a farking selfish nob!

He is demanding that you accept his behaviour, he blames the kids for his behaviour, his work, anything but himself, and he wont seek help or wont change it because he does not want to. He does not see the need.

ahem. Get the picture? He aint gonna change!

It does sound like he is ill. However, my main concern would be for the children. How do you think it is going to affect them growing up knowing Daddy resents them? Feels they are the reason he is unhappy in life? Because you may think that they won't know this but trust me - kids pick up on everything!

I accept that he is quite probably depressed and this is something that needs help, or perhaps he has a whatdacallit -? borderline personality disorder? or maybe he's just a wanky tosspot. I don't know and I wouldn't like to guess.

I do know that you need to put those kids first and that may mean leaving for a while. If he truly wants to save his family then he will enter into an agreement with you to attend counselling, to go back to the gp and back and back and back ! until the gp finds something that helps him or even gets to the root of the problem instead of chucking pills at him!

He may be anxious and actually ill but that doesn't mean he can't be a knob as well.

I have severe anxiety (amongst other stuff) - something I am being treated for. And it puts a lot of pressure on my dh because at the moment I am not able to deal with much and so it all falls to him.

But
a) I acknowledge the impact this has on him (and ds) and try to do the best I can (e.g. I can still handle the bank accounts from home and sort out bills etc but looking after ds solo is too much)

b) I am getting help for it, even though it is difficult to talk to people.

c) I am talking to dh about it and explaining how I feel and what is going on, again, even though I find this extremely difficult I do it because he deserves to know and it is actually better for me.

Refusing to seek more help (e.g. counselling), refusing to discuss it all with you and refusing to admit this has an impact on yours and the childrens lives is being a knob and must be extremely hard to deal with. Mental illness does not exclude acting like a reasonable human being completely.

Counselling doesn't have to cost a lot of money. It is possible to see a counseller via the NHS. It varies from area to area in the way it works but the first step to accessing it is to see the GP.

Relate counselling may seem like just saying the same old same old but it can be very different when you have someone listening to you and 'guiding' the conversation to help make the breakthroughs needed.

My DH and I went to Relate about 6 years ago when we were having a horrendous time and it is the best thing we ever did. We had gone as far as separating and now we are so much stronger for what we went through. It is far from easy though.

My DH has depression/anxiety and is currently seeing a counsellor through the GP surgery. They don't just offer talking therapy and would work with your husband to use the right option for him.

From your point of view it is the most frustrating, difficult, draining thing to know that the person you love is being dragged so far down by something like this. The frustration becomes stronger than anything when you can see they need help but that they aren't getting it. From the outside it can be really hard to remember that for them to take the steps to get the help they need takes a huge amount of strength. The fact they need that strength at a time when they are feeling so vulnerable is one of lifes little ironies. I hope that your DP finds the strength from somewhere. I fully sympathise with the feeling of wanting to tell him to get a grip. I am one of those people who sees the silver lining in most clouds 99.9% of the time. I can say from experience though that going down the get a grip route doesn't help and makes it worse.

What was your husband like when you were dating?
Did he have any interests in anything back then?
Does he have any interests now?
Was he always this way?
If not, when did he change?
Does anyone in his family suffer anxiety/depression?

Just thought I'd add my tuppeny'sworth - I've left my anxiety ridden partner after 5 yeears. The straw that broke the camel's back was the not talking - it got to the point where he didn't actually want to get married, but couldn't tell me (despite proposing and booking things) and it got so far down the line that not only did we loose money, my parents did too. He told me he couldn't do it 2 days after my birthday, and now 2 months later things have gotten so bad that we're no longer together. He insisted he didn't have a problem, that he didn't need or want to talk about it, and now realises (or so he says) that it was wrong.

I didn't realise how strong I was until I had to go through this, and I hope you realise it too. Like you, I am also feeling more positive, energetic and hopeful about my future and life in general. I wish you nothing but the best for you and your DC's, and finally - you did the right thing!

xxx

I get all my counselling free, on MN

Anxiety is a terrible, debilitating Mental illness, Believe me I know first hand, and it can often come out in an angry and agressive manner.

My anxiety would often manifest in quite a violent way but for me it was very internalised and made me want to actually harm myself.

Please try and encourage your husband to get help. He needs to go back to the doctors and tell them that the citaloprma isn't working. I was put on Citaloprma for anxiety and found it useless. I then tried a few different medications that didn't help but I am now finally on a drug that is helping.

My Dh has his wife back and my DC finally have the mother they deserve.

I suffered from depression and anxiety after I had DD2, i was horrible to OH flew off the handle at the slightest thing, yelled at the girls all the time for no reason, sat in my pajamas all day staring into space, could even make the simplest decisions, i hated myself and felt like a total loser they were some dark times...OH didn't leave me he supported me through it, he could tell it wasn't me and that i wasn't well. We sought treatment and I am now on Citalopram (Tried Seroxat first) and went on a course of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy specifically for anxiety and I am a different person now, the old me is back.

I know you aren't married but in sickness and in health should still apply if you have made a commitment to one another.

Guess what you need to figure out is whether he is ill or whether this is just what he is like. If it is the latter then yes I guess you need to decide whether you want to try and save the relationship. If he is unwell then he clearly hasn't found the appropriate treatment yet and you can't write a relationship off whilst he is not himself. You wouldn't leave him if he had a heart condition or cancer so just because it is a mental health illness shouldn't make a difference although i appreciate things aren't always black and white.

whoneedssleep! Fab post!!!

If it gets to the point that your partner treats you so badly because the anxiety "makes them feel that way", then yes it is the time to leave. As you said, things aren't always black and white, and while some can work through, others just can't and are both better off apart.

Sorry also meant to add - ex-p refused counselling and pills, I couldn't get him to the doctors and now I've left he's realised that there IS a problem, and is now having CBT and regular hypnotherapy, which has helped. It was a sparkle of light that came out of the darkness.

Ok

I have a few comments:

1. A lot of people are saying he is ill - fair enough he maybe but he is also an adult, husband and father if that is the case HE has a responsibility to seek treatment. I right this from the perspective of someone who spent years pussy footing around and making excuses for a depressed partner.

1. That same depressed partner's problems I believe to have been created by growing up in a house were his own father has anxiety and was unbhappy. He childhood was spend walking on eggshells. So if your partner wont seek help - you need to consider how this will affect your children - so if you dont leave for yourself you may have to leave for them.

1. Personally think you are over reacting to the tummy selling comment - but I see what has happened is he annoys and upsets you so much that everything he says winds up.

1. I should point out that I do not believe that ultimatiums work with people with depression/anxiety.

1. I also think all this advice about relate is a bit of a red herring - if he has anxiety there is no point even trying to fix your relationship whilst he is ill. I think you would be better going to your GP with him and insisiting he is given some medication - there are other drugs than prozac. Different drugs suit deifferent people. He also needs to be on a list for counselling. The waiting list will be ages so he probably wont feel too threatened if it is say 6 months off. He can then see how he feels when it comes to his turn - he can always cancel. Once the drugs kick in they may feel a bit better and ready for talking thearpy as they call it.

1. The Money you would have spent on relate or whatever - spend on a holiday/ break for just you and the kids - leave him at home. Make it clear to him you are not angry with him - you just think a break is needed. It might break this cycle of irritation with each other.

1. There is a book and a web site called depression fallout by anne sheffield. It is about how u cope when u are living with someone with mental illness. I would recommend it.