to want to leave my anxious partner cos life is quite unbearable really?

[Questa]

DP has anxiety and generally not coping with life. Gets angry all the time and seems to resent our life with our beautiful small children.

Communication is practically obsolete; he is not a talkative person and any attempts at discussion usually end with me in tears suggesting we'd both be happier if we end the relationship (he says it's fine).

I am torn between wanting to support him and wanting to tell him to get a grip.

On the other hand he has plenty of good qualities, so perhaps it's too much to expect your partner to enjoy life?

Dunno, am rambling..

write even!

Yanbu...even if he is ill, you can't let people treat you like shit.

It's unfair to you and the kids....can you really put up with it for the rest of your life? if he won't change then that is what you should ask yourself

"We are all healthy, employed, have a comfortable home and friends. What is there to get stressed about?"

And so indicates someone who does not understand depression.

I don't think we do all understand depression but is that a good enough reason to put yourself and, more importantly, your children through years and years of unhappiness? It so often strikes me that some of these "ill" men are highly selective about what will or won't affect their state of health. Oddly enough, their wives and partners rarely have the same luxury.

I never said she had to put with a crap husband .

this may offer you an insight into how to get help.

even though the couple concerned are older, the circumstances seem to be similar

Thank you so much, everyone, for taking the time to reply. All of these posts have made me stop, think and reflect tonight.

LegalEagle I've ordered the book (and another one besides) Recommendations are exactly what I need.

FabISGoing - I hold my hands up to not understanding depression. As I said, I alternate between feeling immensely protective over him and feeling quite selfishly that I am missing a partner and everything I'd hoped for in a relationship.

Solidgold Qestdom et al, I have known him for 10 years and there is not an ounce of me which feels he is a tosspot/selfish wanker etc etc. I genuinely feel he is either a. ill or b. just has a personality which means he can't cope with pressure. I could attribute it to his upbringing (quiet child, controlling mother) but don't feel qualified to speculate.

There has been SO MANY good posts on here, thank you. I am buoyed up just knowing I'm not alone

Progress tonight: I calmly told DP I would not tolerate being spoken to like that (when he threw a strop about something) and walked away. He told me I was an arse and I told him where the door was. Thereafter he was polite (although did not apologise!)

He then, after some persuasion, PHONED A COUNSELLOR HIMSELF and has an appointment for next Tuesday. After much huffing and puffing and what's the point-ing.

He has made some progress on the work he has to do, by me cajoling him off the sofa (lying with head in hands saying he was too stressed to do anything) and helping him reflect on what he needed to do, and drawing an action plan on a whiteboard.

He is now stacking the dishwasher, although there are a fair few 'for f**s sake' coming from the kitchen as I write.

Progress, I think?

PS Olderandwider that article was very revealing, and is making me reflect on my role in causing this situation. It had never really occurred to me before.

OP

Sorry to have gone away.
You asked how long it took me to make the decision to split? Together 17 years, married for 10. It took 17 years to make the decision. I always had a voice 'this isn't right' 'you deserve better' 'Id didn't think it would turn out like this' 'is this the best it gets' 'is it something i can do' 'he needs me' 'where will he live' 'what will happen to my children'

and then i got a new voice, well a voice that got bigger, very suddenly and it took me by surprise after maybe two to three years of false starts, counselling, big bust ups, frustration, sleeping on the sofa, wondering around the hosue half the night upset while he fell asleep after transferring his negative energy into my heart and house.
The voice said 'my child shouldn't see this' 'my child deserves a peaceful happy home' 'i am so tired of pretending' 'i am so tired of forgiving' 'i am so tired of starting again every morning and trying my best' 'i am so tired of understanding, loving and giving and getting nothing in return'.
'i am nice looking' 'i am not a horrible person' 'even if it is sad to be on my own at least i will be peaceful'

I also never realised that as sad as he is, actually it was also the right thing for him.
We are trying to be friends, he is being very brave, he is being a wonderful father.

I hope we will be the best of freinds, but suspect the bubble may burst when one of us meets someone new.

I'm willing to take the chance... good luck. It doesn't have to be a permanent arrangement. You could ask for a trial separation from living in the same house.

Keep talking... my way may not be right for you of course but I know exactly how you feel. Such a disappointment every day if only they stopped and looked at what they are doing and how great you and the family could be if you were properly cherished and supported.

Sorry I should add after years of discussions, counselling, leaving, coming back, making up, patience talking.

In the last 3 months he now has medication, a counsellor, anger management classes.

There is of course a downside,
where is dad
I want dad back
why have you done this to my son he is ready to change- the inlaws
no more children
no money

Sorry, and I am a catholic who used the catholic agency you spoke about before, it's early days, but it feels SO RIGHT!

Thank you R2G, it sounds like you're making peace with your decision and it was the right thing for you to do.

DP will see a counsellor next week. I do wonder if I am building up to the inevitable but I am not there yet.. I want to be sure in my own mind that I have tried everything possible to rescue this relationship.

Thanks again for posting.

good he is seing a counsellor - i storngly suggest you do so too.

be prepared for him to come back tho saying it didint help, whats the point, see i tried it and it did nothing so i am not going again...

i like the suggestion -
go on a holiday/ break for just you and the kids - leave him at home. Make it clear to him you are not angry with him - you just think a break is needed. It might break this cycle of irritation with each other.

it is tough - what is personality, what can he cahnge, what is illness, what is not...but yes he is responsible for his behaviour.... the anne sheffield book ahs a good seciton on impact on children -what stands out i think is children having the respite away from the ill parent, and spending time with happy, positive people....

if you decide to stay with him then you need ot build in time away without the illness ie without him, (if is illnesss you can exaplin - it isnt your fault but we need a break from your illness) and for him to go elsewhere for change of scene.

the other thing is his assertion the relationship is "fine"...if everything is fine why does he moan so much? why does he resent his children?

my exP still insists everything was "fine" - he truly cannot understand it was not fine for me. delusion...

ultimately, you have to decide for you and your children, how you intend to live your life... he can still be their father and involved, but you are not obliged to live the next xx years like this...

get some breaks away without him, see how life is without the moaning etc...

I also think you should tell him to find an alternate word for 'f**K's sake' as small children who say this to the teacher aren't usually greeted with cries of joy!!
I do swear and admit my grandson said 'bloody hell' as one of his first phrases so I speak from experience, not judgey pants.
My DP having treatment for depression, you have much empathy and cwtches as it is so demoralizing

Cestlavie, so why send him for counselling iif that is the likely outcome? (I agree, it probably will end in nothing!) Or will filter into his subconsious?

Thank you, I like the idea of holiday without him. We are due to go down to the South west (where I have family) in August but I know it is a bit of a chore for him as he has no feelings for the place (I am indulgently nostalgic for Devon and Cornwall!)

I know if I suggest he doesn't come though he'll feel left out. Then his family will start asking questions.. aggh.

PS Earthymama luckily he has the good sense to only mutter the obscenity, usually abbreviated to "Oh.. sake". Only to me it represents a very real manifestation of his moods, and hits me in the stomach every time.

I am also pleased to report that tomorrow I am going on a mini-weekend away, without him, without the children - with a group of friends. Relaxation, alcohol, good food and FUN awaits!! As long as I can stop worrying about him coping with the children..

You may be suprised by his response if you suggest he does not go with you - as you say he finds it a chore.

I think it is really important to make it clear you are not angry and going without him is not a punishment (for him). Just state matter of factly (people with anxiety in my experience cannot cope with emotions or decisions)that you and the kids are going. You need some space - you still love him but life is hard at the moment - so a change may be best for all.

i just meant that re: counselling it is good he is going - however - not to raise your expectations too much...if he does not engage with it it wont help.

BUT of course he should go, he has to try something.... and you never know - with the right person it may start a process of a new beginning... and also, of course, one session wont "cure" - needs several. so he needs to be willing to work with the counsellor over several sessions.... someone who does CBT type exercises could be v useful...

meanwhile - have a fab weekend away and only respond to real emergency texts!

p.s. i went away on my own to see family with dcs many many times over the years - because he didnt want to go - sometimes he made the excuse he was working, deadlines etc - later he admitted he used that as excuse as he could not cope with being around ds who has SN, one time he stayed "to fit a new kitchen" he wanted to do it, he said... - when i got back he was stressed and anxious, the place was a mess, covered in dust and i had to take two days off work to tidy up!

other times he came but would be v anxious/stressed/not want to come out, complain we had been out too much/not enough etc, etc.

I do know it's not the words, it's the creation of an "atmosphere" that you are attuned to and that zooms to the pit of your stomach.
Have a lovely weekend, you will gain some strength.
Can I in my guise as Dr Earthymama prescribe some time in the garden or if that's not possible, in a park? That is what saved both DP & I in the worst of times.

Thank you everyone.. I am packing now and should NOT be on MN as I'm being collected in a few hours.

Definitely looking forward to this weekend as 'me' time..

PS did broach subject of me going to SW alone, he looked stressed and upset instantly! His initial reaction was he thought I was going to suggest he took a holiday on his own (something he talks about doing but never does!) Then said he'd been looking forward to going (?!!) but if I wanted time away fine, but I could go another time before August.

He has also been quite rude to me as usual, but I am now calmly saying 'please don't talk to me like that' and this morning I left the room because I felt he was just picking at me (he couldn't find a document, insinuated it was my responsibility since he'd left it on the kitchen worktop..) This was at 8am, bearing in mind he'd been in all last night and fell asleep for the best part of an hour on the sofa after drinking whisky..

Ahh now I've written it down it just all sounds so petty! I'm off - to pack!

Thanks again ladies.

Questa, I've just come out of my 22 year marriage, at the end I had to for my sanity but it was still a difficult, long decision for me with 3dc.Over the years his resentment of family, friends, work, me, children and you name it increased and deepened..it was, it is depression that still stops him leadin a fulfilled life and it stopped me too. Only after we parted did I finally realise how far my happiness and the happiness of our dc had suffered. Its still not easy but it was best i seperated because my ex was not prepared (is still not) his depression or go to any kind of marriage therapy. I hope yours is Questa because if not, thats no way to live!