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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or " PARANOID"?

81 replies

OTTMummA · 17/05/2010 12:12

Went to pick up DS from nursery a few days ago after DH picked him up the day before and found the front door open, not wide open, but not locked.
anywho, walking upto the door ( has a big front drive ) and a man came out of the front door with a child, we had just turned into the drive and said " do you want me to leave it open? "
Now i know he was just being friendly and helpful, but i was actually quite shocked and annoyed ( had a rather unpleasant day aswell ) and said to him you shouldn't do that, you don't know who we are - he just laughed in my face and said, "god paranoid or what!"
well that just pissed me off even more and i just sighed and walked past him.
when we got to the door no one was there, and we walked inside and told the manager etc, she seemed very concerned, and have noticed this morning that they have put up a massive notice for parents etc about closing doors etc, so am happy about that, but after having a lot of anxiety issues rgds to my DS safety im not sure if i over reacted and am being Paranoid?! or If my first reaction was correct, i honestly feel like finding the man and shaking him in anger/frustration to try and get it into his head how fucking dangerous that attitude is.
I don't know, i just can't let it go, i am over protective, but im aloud to be arn't i?
I don't smother my son in anyway, its me that sufferes with the worrying, constant, non stop, i haven't slept or thought the same since having him, i just wish people weren't so flippant about their child/rens safety, in a way i start to worry about them aswell .
The fact is, he didn't know who we were or what we were doing there, yet he just left the door wide open for us!
i feel sad about it.

OP posts:
ScreaminEagle · 17/05/2010 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pagwatch · 17/05/2010 12:16

Your reaction in saying 'no, you shouldn't leave it open' is fair enough.

Everything beyond that - wanting to shake him and not being able to let it go - is totally over the top and a total waste of energy.
Being anxious and fretful about ordinary stuff,fixating on the spectre of all the bad things that could happen, is astonisngly negative and not a great mind set to adopt around your child

iamreallysilly · 17/05/2010 12:20

Don't think you overreacted, some people just don't think sometimes, or even realise. I am quite overprotective and occasionally feel a bit OTT (one DS) but talking with health visitor she reassured me and said that most people don't take safety seriously enough and a lot of the time they are 'just lucky' that more accidents/incidents don't happen.

Journey · 17/05/2010 12:20

You're going over the top about the guy. You seem overly aggressive to me.

Not holding a door open for someone can be seen as rude. It's that awkward balance of manners and safety with the doors at the nursery.

MadamDeathstare · 17/05/2010 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 17/05/2010 12:24

How many children are actually abducted from nurseries by strange women?

I realise the security is there for a reason, and I'm glad about it as well, but in the scheme of things this is not worth all this anxiety and effort and 'how fucking dangerous this attitude is' is actually 'not very'. He was being friendly.

HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst · 17/05/2010 12:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn on request of the poster.

MalsFlannel · 17/05/2010 12:29

I think you might need to speak to someone about your anxiety levels TBH.

It was not unreasonable of you to speak to the manager of the nursery, and it would appear that she has taken your worries on board. This fretting over it and not being able to "get over" what was essentially a throw away remark isn't "normal"

Original poster
OTTMummA · 17/05/2010 12:46

hope for the best, the door would of been locked if he had closed it
you are confused as i said the day before this incident my DH picked up DS and the door wasn't locked, it was slightly off latch, which means it hadn't been closed properly.

He was being friendly, i acknowleged that, but he still shouldn't of done it.
we were far away enough for him to wait a while before we reached the door, so it wasn't as if we were right infront of him.

I still have anxiety over safety issues, and i think i feel a little insulted over him calling me paranoid, when i just see it as being sensible, which is why i seem aggressive, although i can be naturally more aggressive than normal, especially with rgds to my son.

TORTOUISE: its not just abduction people have to worry about, there have been quite a few instances of random people walking into schools/nurseries and killing children and staff, so although the possiblities are low, its not a risk that is improbable.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 17/05/2010 12:47

So, is the door normally locked? So you have to ring the bell or something to collect your child? If so, then you're right that it was silly of him to leave it open, though he may recognise you as parents of a child there.

But you do need to find ways to reduce your anxiety levels - it's normal to want to protect children, but wanting to find him and shake him isn't a normal level tbh. Aslo, what you say about constant worry and not being able to sleep is not normal - we all change when we become parents, and I'm sure we've all had the odd bad day when we were suddenyl aware of something which could have been dangerous. But that shouldn't be every day, every night.

Tee2072 · 17/05/2010 12:50

A little paranoid, yes. If you look at the number of child care facilities versus the number that have been attacked by random people opening fire with a gun? The risk minuscule. You take a greater risk when you drive in a car with your child.

I have an anxiety disorder and it wouldn't occur to me to think that the man was being anything but helpful and friendly.

You should really see someone about your levels of anxiety. Its not normal or healthy for you or your children.

Original poster
OTTMummA · 17/05/2010 12:53

im angry because i keep thinking that my sons safety is partly in the hands of whoever else has children at the nursery, and i find it hard to let it go that the man didn't seem to give a fuck about leaving the door open for who he only knows as a pair of strangers.
I can't actually comprehend people who don't take things like this seriously.

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 17/05/2010 12:55

And I can't actually comprehend people who think there is a paedophile/kidnapper/person with a gun waiting to shoot random nurseries to bits around every corner.

There isn't.

Onestonetogo · 17/05/2010 12:55

YANBU.

5Foot5 · 17/05/2010 12:55

"so although the possiblities are low, its not a risk that is improbable. "

I think you mean that it is not a risk that is impossible but it is certainly improbable

Original poster
OTTMummA · 17/05/2010 12:56

I do currently have fortnightly therapy, so i am being treated, trust me i am a lot better than a yr ago, but still have some things to work on.

Yes the door is normaly locked and you have to ring the bell to collect your child.

OP posts:
Original poster
OTTMummA · 17/05/2010 12:57

thankyou for correcting me 5foot

OP posts:
umf · 17/05/2010 13:00

YANBU. All 3 nurseries we've used have much better security routines than that.

Apart from any real safety concerns, Ofsted comes down like a ton of bricks on poor security.

It would be unreasonable to be that annoyed with the man for just leaving the door open, but I can see why you feel so irritated given that he was rude too.

BritFish · 17/05/2010 13:03

i think that you shouldnt have even given this any further thought. the door should be kept closed, you said what you said, i dont think its helping you wasting time on worrying about this. im glad to hear you are getting help with your panic attacks, i used to suffer with them and they are just terrifying.

i still cant believe that people on mumsnet have a one by one handover process at their childrens school, i never had this when my children were that age, its sad that the schools feel this has to be in place.

AMumInScotland · 17/05/2010 13:04

I think you have to try to understand that, for most people, the idea that a stranger is going to walk into the nursery and either abduct a child or attack the chidlren and staff, is such an unlikely possibility that they don't feel any need to protect against it.

That doesn't mean that they don't care about their own child's safety, or the safety of the other children. It just means that they have a lower view of the risk involved than you do.

It could happen, but the statistics would probably show that your child was at a higher risk of a lorry crashing into the building, or an asteroid landing on it, or many other things which can and do happen, but we mostly get on with our lives without letting them freak us out.

You pointed out the problem to the manager, and she has put up a big notice to remind people to be careful - that is a reasonable and sensible level of response from both of you, to reduce the risk where possible.

I'm glad to hear that you are talking to someone about your anxiety issues - it really is better for yourself and your DCs to deal with these things and get the worry down to a manageable level.

oliviacrumble · 17/05/2010 13:04

OP your reaction seems really extreme to me.

Yes of course security is really important, but continuing to feel anger and frustration way after the event just seems an overreaction.

I don't think being overprotective is particularly helpful for your dc.

Like others have said, maybe you should get some help to deal with your anxieties. Your attitude is not healthy, imo.

oliviacrumble · 17/05/2010 13:06

Sorry, just read you are getting help.

Good luck with it all.

Journey · 17/05/2010 13:20

Op you said "i think i feel a little insulted over him calling me paranoid, when i just see it as being sensible" and "I can't actually comprehend people who don't take things like this seriously." You need to accept that people have different views/opinions than you.

From your posts it sounds as if its your way or no way, and you show your disapproval by being aggressive. Aggressive behaviour won't win people over. If you want people to respond to you in a productive manner speak to them properly.

Original poster
OTTMummA · 17/05/2010 13:43

Journey, your right, i do need to accept that, and i do waver from being so angry about others acceptable level of safety to not giving a shit about them, and although i don't like thinking this i do get verbally aggressive with DH/others when they dont' understand or do things the way i do them etc.
i don't have much faith in humans, and am extremely aware of our faults etc, it was to the point where i was going to end it, but couldn't because i couldn't leave DS behind, i don't trust anyone,, I can tell the nursery find me a pain, im the only parent who phones every 2 hours :S, in my mind the more i phone them, the more likely they are to pay a bit more attention to him etc.

The nursery are great, but i can't seem to resolve in my head that other people might put my son at risk because they arn't as aware as i am.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 17/05/2010 13:45

I think it is good that you are getting some help.

It is not good for you or your child to be stewing about a risk which is way more remote than being struck by lightening.

Being concerned about our children is understandable - even a good thing. Being anxious and fretting is not.
And it will keep causing you concern if you persist in feeling thatthe way that you process and evaluate risk is right and that everyone who is less anxious than you is wrong.

I hope that the help you are getting is positive and helps you feel a bit more calm and less tense