Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think that people without children should just STFU

60 replies

Tryharder · 15/05/2010 22:27

..when it comes to making judgements about how other people's children should behave.

I had a bit of an argument with a colleague this morning (OK, I admit I was probably BU but am 28 weeks pregnant so am allowed )

I work in an enviroment dealing with the travelling public i.e can be quite stressful/fraught, long delays etc.

I had dealings with a couple who were travelling with their 3 year old who had the most almight tantrum about something trivial - this child really kicked off - it was quite impressive actually. I didn't react badly, smiled sympathetically and said something along the lines of "oh glad it's not just my kids then..." To be honest, this couple dealt with the situation fantastically - didn't get angry or stressed or shouty, just picked kid up and swept him away kicking and screaming.

As soon as this couple had gone, my colleagues (all single, late 20s, no kids) started making the most awful comments about how crap the parents were to allow their child to behave like that and how their children (when they had them) wouldn't be allowed to get away with that. I laughed and said they had no idea at all. One loud, big-gob colleague then started on about how she often looked after her sister's kids who of course, would never dream of tantrumming in public and how that kid obviously ruled the roost at home and about how she would have put that kid in it's place. You get the picture. Anyway, I turned round to see that the mum of the screaming toddler was still in the vicinity and had no doubt overheard my loud colleague. I felt really bad for her and told my colleague in less than polite terms that she was totally out of order which of course resulted in my colleague not speaking to me for the rest of the shift!!

So, how would you all have reacted? Why do people feel the need to judge parents when they have absolutely no idea about children. Some of the comments were so nasty "that child should get a good slap" etc..

OP posts:

seeyoukay · 15/05/2010 22:31

I suppose them making comments about things which they apparently know nothing about e.g. Kids is about the same as you thinking people without kids don't know what they are talking about.

BelleDameSansMerci · 15/05/2010 22:31

I think you did the right thing. It's impossible to understand if you don't have children - absolutely impossible.

I was of the "haven't they heard of Calpol" school of thought on flights, etc, before I had DD. I would never, ever have been rude to anyone but I wasn't as sympathetic as I could have been. I'm very about it now.

3cats3dogs · 15/05/2010 22:33

Since I've had dc's, I actually quite enjoy seeing other people's dc's being stroppy, grumpy and having tantrums - it always reminds me that I'm not the only one, but the best bit is, I don't have to deal with it!

Let your child-free colleagues grumble all they like, who knows, in years to come, they'll be on MN groaning about how naive they were pre-children!

pjmama · 15/05/2010 22:34

I was a brilliant parent before I had kids! Now I know better

I don't think it's unfair to think that the reality of parenting is very different from the theory. They'll learn.

abbierhodes · 15/05/2010 22:39

Seeyouok, that doesn't make sense. Everyone knows what it's like not to have kids...from before they had kids!

Firawla · 15/05/2010 23:27

yanbu they are clueless and im sure they will soon learn once they have kids, looking after nephews neices etc is not at all the same as having your own but some idiots seem to think it makes them an expert. you did the right thing telling them, i think i would have gone and apologised to the mum for colleagues behaviour if she definitely heard it.
tbh when i see another child having a tantrum or making a lot of trouble i just think atleast its not mine this time and i do feel sorry for the mum as it can be a pain to deal with, but i wouldnt judge as they all do it sometimes. people who think their dc will never ever tantrum or misbehave or whatever are deluded

MangoTango · 15/05/2010 23:44

They have no clue. The kid was probably overtired from travelling. Someone said "I used to have six theories about how to bring up children. Now I have six kids and no theories."

thinker · 15/05/2010 23:52

Just hope that when they do have kids they get the most difficult challenging little screamers. My 1st time pregnant neighbour commented on my freind and my 3 year old daughters that "I wont let mine behave like that, Im sorry but I just wont tolerate it" And they were only dancing about in a cafe and giggling. She has given birth now and I just cant wait, am biding my time.

thinker · 15/05/2010 23:56

We also got told to be quiet in our pub, the dog was barking, we were howling laughing and the toddlers were, well you know. The landlord has since had a little boy, and we were in there recently and the baby was screaming its head off in the bar, my freind couldn`t resist and said very loudly " God, would someone shut that kid UP !!" What goes around comes around I spose.

thinker · 15/05/2010 23:57

Sorry, need to add that this was morning coffee time in the pub, not 11.30 at night

PrettyCandles · 16/05/2010 00:00

It's nothing like the same, seeyoukay! We know that people without kids don't know what they're talking about because we were those people - before we had kids.

It's about good manners. Those colleagues should certainly not have been gossiping so rudely about a family when that family could overhear. People will always be judgey, especially trhough ignorance. But there's no need to be boors and bitches as well.

hmc · 16/05/2010 00:03

Actually seeyoukay - people without kids don't know what they are talking about. QED.

hmc · 16/05/2010 00:09

I got into so many awful altercations when my children were small and prone to tantrums. I just couldn't let it go if I got a 'look' or worse a 'remark'. I scared the crap out of a few opinionated people though .

Needless to say, I am enjoying life a great deal more (and the resulting peace), now that my children are 6 and 7 and can be relied upon to 'conform' to society's expectations when out in public.

However - I remember I found the early years extremely hard. Why is it our society seems to coo over babies but scorns any child over 18 months. My time parenting small children - when out in public - was a thoroughly miserable scarring experience. Also, I was lucky not to get arrested

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 16/05/2010 00:10

I once had a heated conversation with my sil, as she said when her kid was older it wouldn't do something. I told her she should never say 'my kid won't ever' or 'i won't ever let my kid', as kids will always make you look stupid, and Its better to keep an open mind! We spent speak for a few days after, but a couple of years later she came to me and said she was wrong, I was right! Before you have kids, everything is so cut and dried. They all learn eventually!

fyimate · 16/05/2010 00:21

I have fallen out of touch with my old school buddies who I used to be close with because I had a baby and they havent had any yet.
They assume it's plane sailing and you can just swan off here there and everywhere without a care and so make these stupid statements, like you said.

mrsbean78 · 16/05/2010 00:22

This drives me crazy (and I only have a 5 month old!).

When he was all of six weeks old, my dh was wearing him in a Moby sling (reflux baba) when my (childfree/childless) friend visited.

I could see that he had buried his head deep into the sling, moving himself under my dh's arms and I went to adjust him as I was (fairly understandably, I feel) concerned he couldn't breathe.

Cue said friend giggling about how 'uptight' I was and how we all were left to rear ourselves and how we did we ever manage to survive without people to check that we were still breathing

When this friend visits, I never even mention my poor ds and feel there have been times I have been practically surreptitious in tending to him because it's just so so 'precious' of me to, well, mother him.

hurts2much · 16/05/2010 00:35

i agree,we recently decided to move citys to start a fresh with my 2 children, not far at all. only to have one friend on the phone calling me allsorts being terrible for uprooting my children from there familys(my parents etc) and we have ended up falling out. she has no children but knows everything because she trianing as a social worker. i think BUTT OUTT HAVE YOUR OWN KIDS AND LEAVE OURS ALONE

Butterpie · 16/05/2010 00:40

Ooh, I have had this so much off childless friends!

AWellHungParliament · 16/05/2010 00:45

I personally think YABU and I also think it probably is a bad idea to bugger up your working relationships over something that you are going to encounter again and again in your line of work.
I would pick my arguments more carefully - you have to spend a lot of time with your colleagues but you will probably never see that family again.
Just my thoughts.

scrab806ble · 16/05/2010 07:22

My dad's wife does this, if I leave DDs for minutes with her, they are crying, she is reading paper and ignoring them If(when) I comfort them she says 'well they...blah blah'They are 6 and 4, she is adult, what do some people want from children? She also tells me to leave them when they cry, well no, I know my DDs and they do not cry for no reason.(Or not always, )
OTOH I remember really resenting being told I could not 'understand' certain things before had DDs. I had eyes, ears, a brain and empathy. I found that patronising in the extreme.

StealthPolarBear · 16/05/2010 07:30

yes, and looking after other people's children is not the same as they tend to be on their best behaviour - so it's easy to be smug and think you've got the knack.

mrsbean - a similar story, I had a baby about the same time as my DH's cousin. In front of DH's aunt (early / mid 40s) we were talking about how you had to put them on their back to sleep when she weighed in with "Oh in MY day we didn't fuss like that we just put them to sleep any old way, it just needs a bit of common sense!"
I was too to point out that this anti-common sense advice has actually saved lots of infant lives

Might have another baby just to get my point across

traceybath · 16/05/2010 07:40

YANBU and if I were the mother of the tantrumming child I would have been pleased to hear you explaining that pretty much all children have tantrums.

Your colleagues will learn though when their time comes - I mean when I was pregnant with ds1 I was sure he wasn't going to change our lifes at all. Oh no - we'd still go out - he'd just come too. Well a baby with reflux who cried for the first 8 months of his life put paid to that.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/05/2010 08:22

Strange like you should say that people without kids should shut up because they don't have a clue when by reading these boards most parents don't have a clue either :P

whoneedssleepanyway · 16/05/2010 08:31

I do agree with you that I find this extermely annoying but at the end of the day if you extend this across everything it means you can never express an opinion on anything you don't have first hand experience of.

These days when a childless friend makes similar comments i just quietly think to myself you will find out in time and some of them now have.

I think you were right to pull your colleague up that she shouldn't have said this within earshot of the woman but maybe a little less harshly.

mummytotwoboys · 16/05/2010 10:17

I bet we all used to do this before we had kids!! I know I did

Flip

1 2 3