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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have just checked DS' friends' book bags?

96 replies

aliasanon · 14/05/2010 18:37

DS had 2 friends to play. While they were in the garden I sneaked a peek at their book bags to see what they were reading.

Pushy parent or what?

Please tell me you've done the same....

OP posts:
edam · 14/05/2010 20:22

Am entertained by all these desperados who are so keen to believe 'everyone does it'. No, they don't. Most of us are too busy with our own lives to give a stuff about what reading level someone else's child is on. And if I was curious, for some bizarre reason that I can't imagine, I'd ask the other parent. Openly and honestly.

BaronConker · 14/05/2010 20:28

Asking other parents is unlikely to get an honest response - they'll just waffle and try to avoid telling you. Asking the school usually results in wooly answers about average levels, exactly the right stage for his age, blah blah - not the kind of information that you really want, which is what books specific children are reading and how they compare to your children. Maybe if it was a bit easier to get this kind of info, the OP wouldn't have to snoop. I've done it, and I'm not ashamed - if I hadn't, I'd never have been able to confirm what I suspected, which is that DS's friends were all reading much more advanced books than he is. Armed with this knowledge I was able to pluck up the courage to insist on seeing a SENCO and eventually got DS's dyslexia diagnosed and get the help he needs sorted out. All this guff about privacy and personal property - it's a book bag with a book (belonging to the school) in it, not a handbag, not a bedside drawer, not a diary.

hoppershopper · 14/05/2010 20:31

When DS's friend comes over to play aftyer school, I always take his lunch box out of his book bag and wash the sandwich box and water bottle out. Is that frowned upon also? A bit worried now that i may be offending friends mum, but i just do it at the same time as DS's.

pagwatch · 14/05/2010 20:32

actually the reading book is also the contact book Baron - so looking in DDs reading record book will give you access to very private family information at times.

And if anyone asks me about DD reading I will tell them.

PatsyStone · 14/05/2010 20:34

YABU

I have never done it, really not interested in comparing my dc against their peers. I would worry that there was not enough in my life if I was having to stoop so low.

I would be livid if someone rooted through my dc's bags. Book bags often do not just contain books, they should be treated as private between children/parents and school.

helyg · 14/05/2010 20:35

Having thought about this... although I agree that the sensible thing would be to ask a teacher or the other parent, as BaronConker said it is often difficult to get a straight answer. As a parent I would hate to be asked what level my DC were on, mainly becasue I know that DS1 is on a higher level than the rest of his year (his teacher has told me this, he has to go into the next class up to get them) and I would feel like a really pushy mother if I was asked and said what level he was on. Although I wouldn't be much help if anyone asked me about DS2 as I don't entirely understand the reading system he is on! So I can see why the OP did peek, although it is BU to go rifling through another child's bags.

icantbelieveimnotbitter · 14/05/2010 20:37

why would people avoid telling you if you asked?

If someone wanted to know dd's level and came up and asked me outright, i'd tell them. No need to snoop in her book bag.

What's the problem. Why be secretive? that's like being ultra competitive but without wanting to appear it.

Who are these people?

Skegness · 14/05/2010 20:39

That's really sweet, hoppershopper but definitely unusual, I'd say.

I think people who check other kids' reading books are probably very insecure, generally.

hoppershopper · 14/05/2010 20:48

oh dear, think i will have to stop doing it!! I only do it because i didnt want DS's mum to think i was a scruffy cow by leaving it!!

shockers · 14/05/2010 20:50

DD's home/school diary once went in another child's bag by mistake. The mother made no secret of the fact that she'd read it.

Cretaceous · 14/05/2010 20:52

shockers I hope you had written some interesting information in there for her

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 14/05/2010 20:52

never done it, but I don't understand why it's a terrible thing to do. I wouldn't give a shit if someone read my kids reading records or communication books. It wouldn't hurt me or my kids in any way.

Goblinchild · 14/05/2010 20:54

" It always strikes me as terribly needy and aspiring in a 'this really matters, please let my child be better and then I will feel all significant and superior'

Fantastic post pagwatch.
I've done over 25 years in primary classrooms, and no, OP most parents don't investigate other children's bookbags or workbooks.
However, because of the one or two that do, I'm always careful at open evenings, parents' evenings and the like to monitor who is looking at what, and who is tray-diving into areas that are not their business. And to point out which one's belong to their child quite clearly.
If you want to know about your child ask the teacher. If you want to know about someone else's ask the parent.
Don't snoop.

shockers · 14/05/2010 20:58

Cretaceous... I now use my best handwriting and list DD's many talents...

I save the bad stuff for phone calls.

oceryo · 14/05/2010 21:02

I can quite understand why people wouldn't want to discuss their DC's reading level.

If their DC is ahead of the class, they wouldn't want other parents being jealous and competitive and telling their children to try to catch up with so-and-so (and thus causing the children to resent so-and-so and possibly even bully them).

If their DC is behind the class, they wouldn't want others gossiping about the possible reasons, or feeling smug that their children are ahead, or ensuring their children don't play with anyone behind their own level.

mumto2andnomore · 14/05/2010 21:10

Ive done it and not for any deep and meaningful reason just because Im nosey !Wouldnt care if anyone looked in my childs bookbag either.

pagwatch · 14/05/2010 21:16

I understand what you are saying oceryo and I am honestly not trying to be argumentative - but why would a rational adult behave in any of the ways you describe?

Firstly if I am concerned about my childs reading level I can talk to his teacher.If dissatisfied why can I not say to a few parents I know reasonably well
'do you mind if I ask what level little friendgirl is on. I can't figure out if DD is a bit behind in her reading'

If a friend in turn says that to me, why can I not say 'actually I think paggirl is pretty good at reading . she is on x level. Or actually paggirl is pretty average i think , she is on...etc etc'

If I have that conversation why on earth would anyone be jealous or competetive? My DD being a dunce or genius at reading is a matter of happenstance/genes/luck etc. It isn't like she can fly or do origami. It is reading.

And if a child is behind in class are there really mealy mouthed types who would gossip about the relative inabilities of a child

Seriously. Is this a weird alternate universe?

Honestly not arguing. Just trying to understand this weird notion of our status being linked to the random abilities of our young children.

pagwatch · 14/05/2010 21:17

fair enough mum2

is it alright if my dog comes and does a big shit in your sitting room. It doesn't especially bother me if he does one here.

Actually that is a lie . But you get my drift

icantbelieveimnotbitter · 14/05/2010 21:17

oceryo -

I genuinely had no idea people thought that deeply about reading levels.

bullying over reading . Surely not.

pagwatch · 14/05/2010 21:20

ican'tbelieve

love your name !

icantbelieveimnotbitter · 14/05/2010 21:20

pagwatch

I was starting to think I was being unreasonable.

I'm stunned that this goes on in mothers heads. in our playground

icantbelieveimnotbitter · 14/05/2010 21:21

italics failure

grapeandlemon · 14/05/2010 21:30

I would never do such a thing - it just wouldn't occur to me.

I would go straight to the Teacher and ask if I had any concerns.

I think you are a bit odd looking through a child's personal belongings.

oceryo · 14/05/2010 21:33

Yes I think it's strange too. But some people really do have those attitudes, unfortunately

"weird notion of our status being linked to the random abilities of our young children"

icantbelieveimnotbitter · 14/05/2010 21:43

Am happily quite confident of my own status

although brings back memory of mother hiding achievment certificate from me which I thought was odd at the time as I was about to say "oh well done, friend" not "why hasn't my DD got one of those"

they were in reception ffs.

deary me.