...to think moving to an island when 7 months PG with 1st Dc is a bit bonkers?

[Miffster]

My DH hates his job, especially the horrific hours (evenings, weekends, often all-nighters) and now we're expecting our 1st DC in December, it's proved the catalyst for a major life rethink. He's very keen to have better work/life balance and spend more time at home and so he has been to see a recruitment consultant.

The recruitment consultant has told him with his experience and qualifications, he could get a job working in Grand Cayman, with a big payrise and tax free salary - much more money than he could earn in the UK. Even though cost of living there is huge, we could still save like mad and pay off chunk of mortgage/ buy a 2+ bed flat in UK on our return (we have a 1 bed London flat at the mo - not ideal but can't afford bigger).

Sounds amazing? Well, yes. But I'm a tad worried about heading out there in mid-September, 28 weeks PG (the earliest I could start mat leave) slap-bang in the middle of the hurricane season, in order to find a place to live, make a whole new network of friends, find an OB/GYN/midwife/GP (which we'd have to pay for, and that's likely to be $5000-$9000 for the pre/antenatal care and delivery assuming there are no complications with me or the babe - we don't have US health insurance and US health insurance want 10 months membership before they will fork out for birthcare). There's a UK/US expat community there, and they have antenatal yoga etc, I'm sure I could make mum-friends but...hmmm.

Problem is, I've not had a baby before, so I just don't know what it will be like for me and DH. Even assuming there are no complications with me and babe ( I'm 39, does that make me high-risk?), I'm quite worried about the isolation, no friends/family, and then looking after a tiny newborn on a hot, hurricane-prone island (it's not like I can really take the baba down the beach for the day).

So I think the whole project sounds a bit ambitious and am dithering.

It might be possible to accept the job and fly out when the baby is 4-6 months next year. Do you think that would be a good idea?

I've been to Grand Cayman before, but that was on honeymoon. Bit different to actually going and living there! I have lived abroad before (worked on a Greek island & Poland as a TEFL teacher in my 20's for a year each time). I also grew up in a small village so I know what it's like in a goldfish bowl and I'm quite good at making friends - but that's when I'm not hugely pregnant/new-parent hormonal/shattered.

My mates, who don't have kids, all say 'go! sounds amazing!'. But I want the opinion of women with children, please!

If you were me, what would you do?

Sorry long post!

What, you mean DH does and you go when Baby is 4mo? Umm.... I'd say bad idea. To be honest it depends how long you would be there for. You mention maternity leave, does that mean you will return to work? If it's just for one year, I'd say go for it. If you can save lots of money and you will also get to see more of your DH then it will probably be worth it. But I would not commit to a permanent/long term move!

You are right that it could be isolating, so find out more about where you will be living. Is it an ex-pat community, how many folk have babies/young children and find out more about the medical care etc. Best thing you could do is speak to other expats in a similar situation. See if you can establish what your support network would be like before you agree.

Having a baby turns your life upside down. You need to be prepared for the unexpected (CS for example) and your hormones being all over the place - not a great time to make decisions so I'd try to get it sorted in your head now.

If it was me, I'd consider these two options:

1. consider your DH accepting the job, you could always stay here and have the baby, if you feel it is a better thing to be with consultant/MW that you know, then join him when you're ready - I'm sure he could get leave to come back for the birth, too!

1. Go when baby is 4-6 months. TBH, this is what I'd probably do. You will have had time to recover, you'll know your baby better and you will feel like a more confident parent.

HTH!

I think waiting 4-6 months to go out there would be very unfair to your DH possibly interfering with the bonding between baby and him.
I could understand you wanting to have the baby here then flying out a few weeks later that makes sense.

But I'm sure woman there also manage to give birth safely and raise children in hot weather so I wouldn't be took worried.

The isolation would be a concern, is there possibly an ex-pat community? Would your mother, sister or a good friend be willing to come out for a few weeks to support you?

Thanks for reply. If he took the job, then we'd both go, but he would postpone job starting until baby is minimum 3 months old, so we could have the baby in the UK and not fork out for medical care, and see how we coped as new parents.

If we went out there, it would probably be for 2-3 years. The longest you can work out there is 7 years, but I'd want the baby started at UK school, I think (although the expat schools there are good but very WASP).

The pros are: the money, we'd see much more of each other, living on a holiday island not soggy Hackney

The cons are: I couldn't go back to work (not sure I'd want to but no choice if out there due to strict work visa laws), starting a new expat life making new friends as stay at home mum, not seeing my/our friends and family.

I wouldn't be to judgmental about the ex-pat community when you don't really know them. To make an international move work you really have to have an open minds going with pre conceived ideas will isolate you.

Does the move/job change have to happen right now could it not wait a years?

Hmm. Is a job in Grand Cayman the only opportunity for dh to change job?

How did Grand Cayman come up - did dh ask the recruitment consultant to look there - given that you liked it on honeymoon?

My brother got a job abroad when his wwife was 6 months pregnant. He moved abroad and commuted home most weekends. They all moved out when the baby was about 8 weeks. It obviously wasn't ideal, but was the best option for them and actually worked well. Because of their particular circumstances, they hired a maternity nurse to help his wife for the first few weeks.

My Mum died in 2007, sadly. My sister might be able to come, but she works so she'd have to give up her annual holiday leave to play nursemaid.

There is a big expat community and I have checked - amazing (but expensive) medical care, lots of other US and UK families with small children so I'm sure I could plug into a new network, and yes, aircon etc means the newborn wouldn't get ill in the heat! There is also a home help for hire army out there. I think it does sound more possible to go with a small babe who is a few months old, rather than head off when pregnant, in hurricane season, not knowing if I and the baby are going to experience birth complications, doesn't it?

To be fair if you were to be a stay at home mum here you generally have a massive change your social life anyway. You won't see much if any of your friends during the day and possibly your family as they will be busy with their day to day life. You will most likely making friends with other new mothers.

Do it. We moved to England when our DS was 7 weeks old...it is far easier to transport when they are small, and because newborns are 'portable', you will be able to explore the island a bit more easily.

Better weather, expats are generally outstanding and kind and helpful.

The insurance birthcare thing could be a bit tricky, that's the only thing that is a bit of a faff...we have private UK insurance that we've been able to use in the US, and that I was able to use in China where DS was born...you may be able to look into that as an option.

Life is far too short...go and enjoy a new life with a new baby. You will be fine.

Grand Cayman isn't the only job change opportunity, but it is the only one with a) the chance of him not working such mad hours b) earning significantly more money.

Any other job change in Uk would be different firm, but likely similar mad hours/lack of work- life balance.

(DH works in a pretty specialised branch of financial legal services industry. Recruitment consultant is a specialist in same industry and Grand Cayman is worldwide centre of this industry).

Just one thought - if you do plan to go can you start your health cover asap so you wouldn't be there for 10 months without cover? (hope that makes sense!)

Gosh, thanks for all the replies. You have given me real food for thought. I expected people to say, don't do it, it's bonkers! I keep vacillating between really excited and then thinking, how on earth would I cope having a baby thousands of miles from home?

I didn't mean to be disparaging about expats, I like expats and in Greece I lived in an expat community on a small island.

DH is worrying about 'living on a tiny rock with only Republican lawyers, PADI jocks and finance people for company'. Well, okay, it's not metropolitan leafy liberal North London. But once we've had baby I know life will massively change anyway - we've already started falling asleep during Newsnight and all the post-work drinking and smoking and gossiping has ground to a halt. Life is about embracing change isn't it?

Hmmmm.

I am starting to think it is possible.

I think, on balance, I'd probably go then, given what you've said about dh's industry, but after the baby's born.

GO GO GO - what better time is there going to be to do this? Picture yourself still in Hackney in 5 years time with DC about to start school thinking "I wish we had taken that chance...."

Yes, it could be lonely, but so, TBH, could life with a small baby in Hackney - you would have all the issues of life change, making new friends, etc, etc without the financial and climate upsides. Moving there with a small baby would give you the ideal means to make friends through baby groups, etc.

If it were not for the cost of childbirth (ouch!) issue I would say go now - DB and SIL moved from US to Europe when SIL was 7mths pregnant and it went fine (transfer of care meant that SIL had to be very clued up on her own pregnancy, but other than that no problems).

Grand Cayman is a wonderful place to live. It sounds like a fantastic opportunity and not something to be feared. The weather is incredible, the beaches are beautiful, there is a large population of wealthy ex-pats with very high service expectations so schools, medical facilities, etc are all great.

Yes, it could be quiet and isolating but this sounds like an incredible opportunity to do something wonderful. Don't fear it, embrace it. It may be tough but it will work out and if you approach it with hope and optimism you will radically improve the chances of a great outcome.

of course it is possible. I would say go for it, life is short, GC is fab. It sounds like you have checked everything out, could you contact someone in the company to help get you settled in a house etc so that takes out the added stress?

Well, I was born there 31 years ago and my Mum managed fine - in fact she cried the entire plane journey home when they moved back to rainer climes!

I would say do it before you have the baby - take a fact finding trip out there to decide where you want to live etc and get all your medical registrations etc sorted out vefore you go. That way you can start to meet people before the baby arrives and I don't think you wnat to spend the first 3 months of your baby's life trying to pack!

They are well set up to deal with hurricanes there.

You should just go for it, IMO!

GC would be a fantastic place to have kids. The medical services are great (maternity included) and, if your H is working for a reasonably outfit, he'll probably get US health insurance.

2 friends of mine have been there for 4 years (havign 2 kids in that time) and it's been wonderful for them. Great quality of life, nice ex pat community, all pretty lovely really!

I'd definitely say GO

Seperate from your concerns but if you only see this as a 2-3 year posting, he should think hard about what he would be able to do on his return. The danger with working somewhere like Cayman is that often you can end up doing pretty routine work which may then make it hard to go back in at the appropriate seniority level in the UK.

Yeah, that is a good point (are you in the legal biz AxisofEvil?). I guess he can raise that with the consultant and ask what other people do as Cayman chuck all foreign workers out after 7 years. So there must be quite a lot of people who ask about the next stage of their career before committing.

Is there anyway to check the work/life balance would be better ? We looked at doing this - DH works similar hours and he was initially told it would be better but on further investigation we found out it was just as likely to be as bad, but we'd be miles away from friends etc. So, we decided it wasn't for us.

www.thelawyer.com/1001916.article
this 2009 seems to indicate that it is pretty balanced?

'Most people move to Cayman for the work-life balance it offers. A typical workday in Cayman spans from 8am to 6pm. The commute to work takes about 15 minutes, leaving enough personal time to unwind and engage in the many activities on offer. Soccer, rugby, cricket, tennis, volleyball, golf, diving, running, swimming, cycling are all popular sports on the island, all very accessible. Having free time outside work was something I had to get used to, having moved from London. Although I initially found the place dull, I soon learned to use the time available constructively'

and the writer(a UK lawyer who made the move) goes on to recommend it to those with young children.

TBH, I can't see how it could possibly be any worse than how he works now. I once had to call his office because he had been there at his desk for three days and nights straight, which was insane.

I need to find a message board used by people there, or a blog or something, but there's not that much (I think people who live there are quite circumspect in case their neighbours/bosses read their blogs - it's a small place and your work permit is dependent on not upsetting anyone powerful).

Have read expat boards, and the online archives of local paper looking for info, plus all the sites aimed at those moving there to work but there's no mn equivalent where I could ask 'what's it really like?'

sorry, link to The lawyer 2009 article is
www.thelawyer.com/1001916.article

Here is a link where you can ask questions.

britishexpats.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=121