"once she hit 9lbs, we never responded to her after that..."

[Popscotch]

Namechanger because I don't want my neighbour to clock this one IYSWIM....

Today, I had a cup of tea with a neighbour. She is my age (late 30s), well-educated, SAHM, former professional and extremely friendly. She has 3 girls of similar age to my 2 DDs. So far, so normal. But when we got talking, inevitably, about sleep routines and bed times, I was, ahem, surprised by what she said.

I mentioned that my 15 month old still wakes at night and I am still breastfeeding her, even at night. My neighbour responded with:

"All mine slept through the night from veru early on. My little one [aged nearly 1] slept through almost as soon as we got home from hospital. And now, she goes to bed at 8.30 and wakes up at 7am [pause]....I mean, I realised that as soon as a baby weighes 9lbs, they can sleep through the night, so once she hit 9lbs, we never responded to her at night again. So, we did used to hear her crying of course, small house and all that, but it was never a problem. We knew we didn't want to start that asscoiation of crying in the night, mummy will come and you'll get milk. So, she got used to it and slept through really well. For a bit, she would wake up around 6am which was too early for me, and i knew I would be too knackered, so I never went into her until gone 7 ish. She still wakes up now but she's generally a really good sleeper. As were my other two DCs."

I might add, she is currently pregnant with her fourth child.

AIBU to put my judgey pants on? I mean, 9lbs? Some babies are born at 9lbs....

you can tell your neighbour that she could be doing real harm to her children leaving them to cry

I've only just googled that, it wasn't the article I was thinking of but it says the same thing. I think I read a piece by Tanya Byron in the Times saying something similar. Unchecked crying leads to higher levels of stress hormones which can affect the child for life, making them less able to deal with stress in their adult lives for example.

I have written a few reasonable replies and deleted them.

"we used to hear her crying of course, small house and all that, but it was never a problem"

It was nine pounds and not nine months wasn't it?

My DS at nine pounds and nine months was snuggled up to his mother!

My parents did this with me and my sisters.

Makes me feel very very sad

When we did finally resort to leaving DD to 'cry it out' a bit (she was over 12mths) I went up after 10mins to find that she had been sick all over her bed . I will leave her to grizzle a bit now, but she is 3 and in a bed and if she really needs me she will come and find me (and generally does, at about 5am, snuggles into my bed and stays there for as long as she can get away with)

Both of mine were 9lbs+ at birth. Both were (and remain) very good sleepers - but no way would (or could) I have left them to cry.

Milady, even when DS was 9mo, if he cried I would always go and 'check list him' (hot/cold/thirsty/pain/nappy/etc etc) Just to make sure. A quick cuddle or a hand on him may have calmed him down. But I would ALWAYS check on him (not judging the 9mo thing, just saying I would always check on a crying child, no matter how old!)

Can you imagine not being able to communicate something a nd the only way being crying, something so distressing (which leads into cyclical crying - ie the more you cry, the more you want to. Then you get a sore head and throat from all the crying, which makes you feel worse)

And then NO ONE coming to help you through it.

How v v sad

Jeez. If 9 pound babies could post on MN

People say all sort of weird and wonderful things about babies' sleep.
I'd just smile and nod and focus on your own dds tbh.

Poor baby, agree with Valpollicella really. My dd who is 3.2 started the sleep through the night only a few months ago. Before i would get up in the night give water, put lullaby on then go back to sleep. What crackpot ideas, now what intelligent threories/research is that laypsychology theory based on then!

milady
yes, sadly, it was 9 lbs not 9 months, i am absolutely certain.

she's pregnant with her fourth, so she implied that now she ignores the 1 year old because she's too tired etc. with the latest pregnancy. But it all seems very, well, parent-centred, doesn't it? Valpoll - as you say, if only the babies could post.

Oh dear. I go into my 6.5mth old when she's crying if it doesn't stop after about a minute (she sometimes cries out in her sleep and we've woken her up before by being a bit too eager) If she cries for a longer time we usually find she's in a crazy position in her cot and needs rescued, or has a poo nappy. There's normally a reason for it anyway. I'd never judge my baby's ability to sleep on her weight at the time!

Blimey, my two boys were both born well over 9lb

Actually, when my mum had me (nearly 45 years ago), it was a home birth and I was born maybe about 10pm, the midwife said to my mum that she was to leave me in the cot until she returned the next morning and for her not to pick me up

bellavita

My 5week old is over 10lb. He still wakes every couple of hours at night for a bf. There is no way he could go all night without a feed.

Its making me feel all wobbly just thinking about leaving him all night like that and I am not a softy by any means!

I don't think what people remember and say about when their kids were babies is entirely reliable.

regarding yyour neighbour though op, i think y9ou should take it with a pinch of salt.
perhaps she was exagerating?
perhaps it does work in her family.

research has shown it is not good for baby's emotional development.

how are her older children?

hold your children tight and be thankful you dont have that crackpot idea

Whilst I don't agree with her approach my paediatrician said "if you were given a fiver every time you woke up, would you stop?" So there is a grain of truth to what she is saying but I strongly disagree with it being based on weight.

So once mine got to about four months I stopped the night-time feeds but I certainly didnt leave them to cry. I went in to see they were essentially okay, gave them a back rub and walked out. They soon started sleeping through. And have been great sleepers ever since.

And all three of mine were 10lb+ at birth so how would that have worked?!!

Is a baby's weight directly in proportion to her stomach size? Perhaps the baby just wanted a hug, to know she wasn't alone in the dark at night. And that's so bad?

Still can't believe the amount of guff I hear about babies and not responding to their needs.

If you don't want your life to change and anticipate being run ragged by children, then please don't have them.

It's difficult to know the facts, though, isn't it? Like Rosebud05 says, what people say and what actually happened aren't necessarily the same. I doubt she'd have left the baby screaming for hours. Perhaps she's just lucky and had babies that slept through, and she rationalised it as she'd left them so they slept.

Bloody hell, that's appalling.

Babies are vulnerable members of society and need protecting. I don't get it; there are rules about car seats because every accepts that driving around with a baby rolling on the back seat, loose, is A Bad Thing. But behind closed doors, it's My Baby, My Rules, isn't it?

What a disappointment to have such an unthinking mother as a neighbour instead of a lovely MNer.

nice very nice

I agree with you winky, why can't a baby be comforted? Maybe the baby is in distress about something other than a feed. How about fear, maybe the baby is scared stiff by soemthing? Maybe the baby is in pain? Maybe the baby is uncomfortable , too hot, too cold, something is digging in or rubbing.

A 9 lb baby cannot communicate distress any other way than by crying.

And presumably the baby was sleeping in another room, too, in spite of the SIDS advice...

"so once she hit 9lbs, we never responded to her at night again. So, we did used to hear her crying of course, small house and all that, but it was never a problem"

maybe it was a huge problem for the baby

My HV recommended leaving my son who was BF every two hours at night all night at six months old to leave him with no fluids and no comfort as he was "manipulating" me. For 12 hours.

I can't go without a sip a water for that long and I'm a bit bigger than a baby and less likely to dehydrate.

Oh and to stop faffing around with home-made food and shovel jars into him including desserts even though he was capable of eating fruit.

Shocking that people can advocate torture and neglect in the name of "good" parenting BUT the other side of the coin is there are some people who have been raised to never have for example, a bedtime. My sister's neighbour is a good example of this. Her children are never put to bed, the nine year old falls asleep wherever as does the two year old.

So in a way I can see why bedtime habits get picked up on, rightly or wrongly.

But she 'rationalised ' it by saying they could still hear their tiny 9 pound baby crying

BigBadMummy, re the fiver analogy...

Yeah, if someone told me that if I woke up every hour on the hour I'd get a financial reward, pretty sure I'd be able to wake myself up!

But babies (and referring back to OP, 9 pound babies) don't wake up for monetary gain.

They wake for thirst, hunger, comfort, security, a wet nappy. Inante human needs that they don't yet have any control over, or the vocab to express it

ohhhhhhhhhkay. so my 11lb 11oz er. does he owe me time back somehow then?

Yes Merry. Time in Lieu

Think you'll get that back in about 18 years?