to ask ex to put DD into his will

[sevenkeystomysoul]

Ex (DDs father) owns a house outright (inherited after his wife, the mother of his DS, passed away). His DS is in his will to inherit house. But now he has DD also, AIBU to want her to have an equal share of the house should anything happen to ex or myself?

I think that a share of the house may be too emotive an issue but I don't think it would be unreasonable to speak to your exh about making some provision (perhaps through an insurance policy) to ensure that both of his children get a fair share of his assets in the event of his death.
I don't think you are being grasping but want to make sure that your daughter is provided for fairly - I think it would do her a great deal of emotional harm if she was to find out after his death that she was not as valued as his son which she may assume if inheritance is not equal.

x-posts

Dont forget grim and yucky

op dont gripe about it or even bother wasting your time worrying about. forget that there is any money and move on.

life is way to short, i am sure your dd will manage just fine.

just to add sorry but its not your money so he can do as he pleases.

'things that matter most, should not be at the mercy of things that matter least'

Op i dont think his ds will see it like that she was his mother, therefore nowt to do with your dd. it is his money rightfully

By ChippingIn Mon 10-May-10 00:08:25
7 - did your Ex contribute to the deposit/mortgage of this house before the endowment paid it off, or was it soley an asset owned by his wife?

Thanks for that Casmama, a measured and non-judgemental response to a serious question. I think asking for him to provide in his will for a smaller share for DD in the house, or some sort of policy to show that she is considered of equal value is a sensible approach.

SwissCheese, I am a mother looking out for her child, if you find that 'vile', I feel sorry for your children.

Don't, theyre being raised with morals.........and I own my own house for them to inherit, I suggest you do the same.....

Make sure ur dd can prvide for herself. Best thing you can do for her in the long run. Teach her financial independence!
Still say I would bawk at the thought of my hard earned house/money going to anyone other than DC's, particularly husbands future dependants!!!! DH's come and go, DC's are forever! Sorry

if he pays towards her upkeep then i dont see the problem.

so how do you know what is in the will op

ChippingIn, yes, I believe ex did contribute to the mortgage. It was a long time ago and long before I met him. All I know is that an endowment was put into his name, before his DS was born. I am guessing this was standard procedure at the time, I don't think endowment mortgages even exist anymore.

Clearly, some posters feel I'm trying to take DD's brother's birthright away from him, or something like that. That's not the case. Both DD and her big brother are ex's children, loved equally, and therefore should be provided for equally in the event of something happening to their father. Whether that is through his sole asset, the house, or through a policy of some sort for DD doesn't really matter. So thank you to those who have pointed out alternatives (i.e. policies etc).

I'm not so sure that they should be provided for equally, though.

Take an entirely hypothetical example.

Alan and Barbara marry and have a son Charlie. Alan and Barbara each have assets of £200k. Barbara dies and her assets pass to Alan. She would expect that in the normal course of events those assets would pass to Charlie in due course.

Alan then remarries to Daisy and has a daughter Evelyn. Alan has £400k in assets (£200k of which he inherited from Barbara) and Daisy has £200k in assets. Alan and Daisy later divorce.

As I understand it, you are suggesting that when Alan dies he should split his estate equally between Charlie and Evelyn. So Alan dies, Charlie gets £200k and Evelyn gets £200k. Later Daisy also dies and Evelyn gets £200k. So overall Charlie gets £200k and Evelyn gets £400k.

I think it's entirely possible to argue that this is not fair. Evelyn has two living parents from whom she will eventually inherit, but Charlie has one living parent who is (in a sense) a custodian of the assets left by his other parent.

What would seem fairer to me is that on Alan's death the £200k he inherited from Barbara goes to Charlie, and then the £200k that Alan amassed himself is split equally between Charlie and Evelyn. So Charlie gets £300k and Evelyn gets £100k. Later Daisy also dies and Evelyn gets another £200k. So overall Charlie gets £300k and Evelyn also gets £300k.

Now, in real life it's unlikely that the estates of Alan, Barbara and Daisy will be exactly equal, which messes up the nice figures somewhat. But can you see that there's at least a perfectly consistent argument for your ex NOT splitting everything he owns, including what he inherited from his first wife, equally between the two children?

If you will take part of my post out of context them I will have to give you a

Casmama has basically said exactly the same as me (but possibly a bit better put) and gets thanked but a tiny bit of my post gets pulled out and all the sensible advice part gets ignored?

Any way, I stand by what I wrote. Make sure there's provision and forget about specifics about the house.

It's a very different situation for your DD's brother if his sole surviving parent dies. No-one to sponsor him through university, buy his school shoes, take him on holiday, love him and so there should be more provision for him because he will need more. Your DD by comparision is already much richer because she has two parents who love her and can provide for her.

you must mention the fact that the poor child's mother died or it is a different conversation. It is not about the two children being loved and therefore provided for equally. If this were me I would leave it, it's not worth it and in poor taste IMO. But I would think if you were to divide the asset 'fairly'(assuming that your ex contributed to paying for it) his DS would Get 3/4 ie his mother's half of the house plus half of his dads share. Your DD would get 1/4 ie NONE of the mothers half but half of your ex's potion.
I wouldn't touch it and as his DSs sole parent he is right to try to protect it. I'm sure he will consider DD in other ways

put it this way.... if you were the mother who had died, would you be happy that your dh's future children were going to benefit by taking away from your only child? or would you want your only child (now without a mother) to be 'set up' for life with his/her own property (that you had worked and paid for)?

you said she died unexpectedly when the child was very young? i'm assuming that she would have changed the will had she had time

its up to your ex what he does with his dead wife and sons home. if was never anything to do with your daughter, and for you to even be thinking things about your EX's will is innapropriate. he's your ex, its up to him what he does with the family home he sared with his wife!

Glad you're in the privileged position of owning your own home, SwissCheese. Do you really 'own' it, or does the mortgage company? Because if it's the latter, all your children would be inheriting is debt should you ever be in the unfortunate position of being unable to repay your mortgage. I did 'own' my own home, until I lost my job, and, despite fighting tooth and nail to keep the roof over my DD's head, we now live in rented. And suggesting I do the same as you and 'own my own home' is disgustingly smug, elitist, narrow-minded twattery. As for morals, I am instilling them in my daughter. Having money does not automatically make you a decent person, some of the nastiest, most repugnant people I know come from 'privileged' homes.

Spottyshoes, my DD is just approaching her third birthday, teaching her financial independence isn't exactly top of my priority list at the moment. You're right in saying that you wouldn't want your house etc going to anyone other than your DCs, but DD is ex's DC, not his 'future dependant' ffs. She's his child as much as his DS is.

I think if the house was entirely his ex-wife's - so either paid for fully by her or inherited through her famiy, then your EX is really only a guardian of that asset for his DS.

If, however, the house was bought by them together and they had an insurance to pay the mortgage off in the event of the death of one of them, then it's not 'hers' it's 'theirs' and as such it's not just for one of his children to inherit.

I do think though, as his DS only has his Father and your DD has both her Mother and her Father - that it is only right his DS should get more of his 'estate' than your DD as she will still inherit from what you are able to provide for her.

I would even argue that if the house had belonged to your Ex before he met his wife, then the two children could inherit equally...

Frankly, though, you don't actually get any say in it. He is entitled to put what he wants in his will and if he dies your DD has the right to contest the will if she thinks it's unfair.

I would set up an insurance for your DD so that when you do die she stands to inherit some money and obviously bring her up to be in a position to not need it if she is an adult.

FWIW - It's not that I think adult children have to inherit money, but I do think when you have children, while they are still children, you need to make sure they would be OK if you were to die tomorrow - of course - once they are grown you should spend it all yourself . I actually think parents should, where at all possible, set up life insurance so the children benefit financially when they die, it's a small outgoing for a large benefit - why wouldn't you?

Britfish - is it his dead wife and sons home or is it his house? Would it be any different if he sold the house and bought another? (I am actually interested in debating this topic, not being argumentative for the sake of it, honest).

7 - do you or your daughter have a relationship with your Ex's son - did you all live together at any stage? (sorry, feel free not to answer if it's too nosey).

OK, you are all (well, most of you, SwissCheese, whose 'contributions' to this thread say more about what a nasty, smug cow she is than she probably would have desired, excepted) right. DD's big brother should inherit more, or all, of ex's 'estate' and ex should put into place some sort of equal arrangement for DD. The trouble is in co-ercing convincing ex to do it, an entirely different AIBU. Despite the judging on this thread, I am not 'graspy' (not even a word), simply trying to do the best for my DD, so thank you again for giving me alternatives to present to ex if/when the discussion comes up. And just as a codicil, should the worst happen in many, many years to come I hope, DD's big brother will look out for her because, despite the 10 year age gap, they adore each other, and to a little boy who never knew his mummy, DD is proper family, 'his' little sister.

ChippingIn, we were going to sell our respective houses and buy another when we were together. There were no emotive issues around it.

Yes, we (as in ex, his DS and I) lived together for 3 years. We (as in ex, DS, DD and I) lived together for a year. DD and her big brother have a great relationship, something I am very, very thankful for, she will be my only child, but she's not an only child.

Seven, I was about to mention your second last point before you mentioned it! When my grandmother died, she left money to only four of her five children, but the four children agreed to give an equal share to the fifth, simply because it was the right thing to do.

He is legally obliged to have her in the will yes HOWEVER it doesnt say that he has to give them a equal sharre and neither does it say that she has to have 1/2 of ahouse. He can give her a % of money he has in bank / personal effects etc..

What are the terms of him inherriting the house? Is it he owns it with the view that their son would inherrit (that can be placed up in certain wills) and have you even discussed this issue with him has he an idea of how he wishes to have his daughter inherrit from him?

I do think YABU to want her to have a sharre in the house however YANBU to want your daughter to have a equal sharre to her halfbrother in their fathers will, but perhaps approach it from that angle rather than focus upon the house.

Yes, of course YABU. Your XP should make financial provision for your DD (savings, endowments, life insurance etc etc) and any future assets he accrues should be split equally between them. But if the house belonged to the mother of his DS, then only his DS should benefit from the house.

I would be very cross (theoretically) if I died and the house that I bought with my own money before I even met DH and is destined to go to my children, was later split with any future offspring that my DH might theoretically beget with a new wife.