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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not like parents justifying undesirable behaviour with

69 replies

kolacubes · 09/05/2010 18:31

but that's normal for the age of child, or gender of child.

It does not then make it acceptable.

Yes some children may do that, but the vast majority do not. Because the parents don't allow it as it is undesirable.

Or unfortunately please accept their is a problem with your child, and the behaviour has been pointed out, to enable you to get assistance, to minimise the behaviour.

OP posts:
smallishsheep · 09/05/2010 18:32

AN example, maybe?

smallishsheep · 09/05/2010 18:34

And btw, my son is a biter. You'd love him no doubt. In my defense though, it's always other parents of the bitee who tell me it's normal for his age. I am usually too busy apologising and being mortified.
I assume you have perfect children. I can relate, when I had just dd I was one of those smug parents. Then I had ds, a firecracker from the word go.

mumbar · 09/05/2010 18:34

my favourite is - they are tired!!

I have a friend whos dc must be knackered all the time then!!!

Skegness · 09/05/2010 18:35

what behaviour?

Original poster
kolacubes · 09/05/2010 18:37

A boy aged 3 who was running around screaming - the mother said what normal behaviour for a 3 year old boy. No my ds was never allowed to run around screaming.

A precoious girl of about 9 being rude to her parents - parents said it's normal for 9 year old girls to talk like that - no not in my book it isn't.

A boy of 5 being unable to coordinate for sports a mother said to me I can't believe the school think there is a problem he will get there, it's normal for a 5 year old. Um no I don't believe normal and yes he may get there, but school not being vindicative they are concerned that there may be a problem.

Just a few.

OP posts:
GoodGolly · 09/05/2010 18:37

But almost all 'undesirable' types of behaviour from young children - hitting, biting, snatching, not sharing, temper tantrums etc - are related to their developmental stage. Maybe your child isn't going through it / hasn't gone through it yet / is a different type of child.

Have a little understanding and compassion, perhaps?

smallishsheep · 09/05/2010 18:38

You sound lovely

mumbar · 09/05/2010 18:38

Smallsheep I can see your point and the OP's. I do beleive there is a age stage thing with certain behaviours. Of course we teach them NO but that isn't making an excuse and it;s lovely your friends tell you it's an age thing because it is.

Think tho what your friends would say if your DS bit their DC and you just said ' oh its an age thing' I think thats what OP is getting at.

I do think as well I would react differently to say a 2 yr old biting and a 7 year old. One is understandable the other is not and IMO not excusable either.

sethstarkaddersmum · 09/05/2010 18:38

sorry but you just come across as nosy and judgey.

Original poster
kolacubes · 09/05/2010 18:38

No my dc are no angels believe me I wish they were, but I never excuse bad behaviour by saying its normal for their age or gender. I repremand as necessary, or divert or something, but not allow it to continue without doing anything.

OP posts:
toccatanfudge · 09/05/2010 18:39

well it depends on where the 3yr old boy was running around screaming

5yr old boy being unable to co-ordinate for sports - need more details really but my DS1 was totally un-cordinated for sports at 5 (he's much improved now he's 9 - but still not really "sporty" type

smallwhitecat · 09/05/2010 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/05/2010 18:41

There are no books to help someone to become a good/better parent, this also 'matures' over time. Cut them some slack, it's not easy for anyone.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/05/2010 18:42

Yes, please give an example. You may have a point, but DS2 was also a biter. I do think it's a normal, common-ish phase. I'd try my very best to prevent it or avoid circumstances when it was likely to happen, but sometimes I didn't manage it. If he did manage to bite someone, my FIRST response would be to apologise. I wouldn't seek to justify it to the other parent in the way you describe though.

However, your post does sound a bit smug TBH. Many of us (me included) assume that because our child doesn't do something, those who do are poorly-parented. It's not until your child gets older, and has some problem behaviour, OR you have another, very different child, that you realise parenting is only part of the picture

smallishsheep · 09/05/2010 18:42

O yes mumbar, I can see the difference. Right now, ds is almost 2 and i have never used his age as an explanation. But honestly, when you have such a livewire on your hands i can see how it's just easier to say it's their age rather than offer an explanation every time. He's a screecher too. Aren't I lucky

Original poster
kolacubes · 09/05/2010 18:42

Fair enough I accept I may be being a bit U.

I am not saying that I don't feel for the parents for the children doing undesirable actions, but its the way its dealt with.

Smallishsheep I would not be critical of you/your child for being a biter, and most certainly not for you pointing out that its wrong. Its the ones in that instance, where there are numerous children being bitten by that child in one session, and the parent lets him carry on and says something along the lines of 'it's okay all 2 year olds bite!'

OP posts:
elliemental · 09/05/2010 18:42

so do tell, how would you 'reprimand' a 5-yr-old boy who wasn't very co-ordinated...?

nice to see that is classed as 'undesirable' behaviour in your examples.

tuarags · 09/05/2010 18:43

By smallwhitecat Sun 09-May-10 18:39:38
dear me what a pain in the arse you must be to have as an acquaintance. Have you really nothing better to do?

This is bullying and personal.

tiredlady · 09/05/2010 18:43

OP,
Sorry but you do sound rather smug.

My ds was unbelievably active when aged 3 and would literally run around shouting for hours.

We would take him to the park and just let him get it out of his system. Big deal. Now he is a beautifully behaved incredibly athletic 9 yr old. What exactly is your problem.

If I were to hazard a guess I would say you either have very young babies or very placid compliant little girls.

I get quite pissed off with a lot of this anti boy feelings. It IS normal for lots of little boys to run around like headless chickens.It's just what some of them do.

SwissCheeseIsHolyCheesus · 09/05/2010 18:44

Can kind of see the ops point, some parents do sit back and make excuses rather than tackle the problem........

BUT, meh, not my problem and not the ops tbh !!

GypsyMoth · 09/05/2010 18:44

bullying???? lol...

Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/05/2010 18:45

OK, while I was writing my long post, you elaborated. I agree with you up to a point. DCs shouldn't be allowed to get away with antisocial behaviour. A 3 year old should probably be diverted from disturbing others, and a 9 year old reprimanded for rudeness. Doesn't mean those things aren't normal though

toccatanfudge · 09/05/2010 18:46

and actually the "rude" 9yr old girl..........well I don't know about others but my view of what is "acceptable" in terms of the way a 9yr old talks to their parents has changed somewhat since my DS1 was younger........and now he's actually 9 and some of the stuff I seemingly let him "get away" with would have had me a few years ago if I'd heard another 9yr old say them........

Aduby · 09/05/2010 18:48

It IS normal behaviour and normal behaviour from parents to continually guide children as to why it is not acceptable behaviour - that is how they learn.

Original poster
kolacubes · 09/05/2010 18:50

Really want to apologise did not want to use coordination as an undesirable. I have a child with severe dyslexia, and another with slight autism. I accept these difficulties and get full support for them.

And my point was I wish friends would help their children, rather than dismiss it. I.e. the coordination one is due to turned in feet, and tripping up. Maybe it is common at 5, or maybe there is assistance to help with the feet. I don't know but just to dismiss straight away due to age seems unfair to the child if you can help them.

I have a teenage girl, and a 5 year old boy.

As I said they do have difficulties which I get help or they do misbehave but I do not allow them to carry on.

OP posts: