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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which lifestyle would you choose?

67 replies

boystimestwo · 07/05/2010 22:07

I don't know what to do, I feel my life can lead into two different directions and don't know which one I want???

Option 1
Stay put. Currently living in large city. DH runs his own business, I run the office for him with some help. I can set the days/hours I work and do change to fit in local playdates with friends, nights out etc. We have two boys. We have a space accepted at a local private school. I work part time 2 days per week teaching. I can quit teaching, the business could support us but it is my thing and I enjoy my time away from the boys and the business. I imagine when the boys started school, i would do the school run, work a few hours in the business and pick them up in the afternoon, assuming I am not teaching then.
DH works long hours, sees boys in the morning before work and Sundays. Occasionally we will pop into work to see him. He hopes to reduce his hours and this will be possible soon so he can spend more time at home or at least attend school events, sports etc.

Option 2
I take a teaching job away from the city, move to the country for bigger house with more space (currently living in a city flat). Teaching job will give the discounted school fees, so not faced with the £20,000+ annual fees. DH will stay in the city and continue to work, come out on weekends. Boys are in a good school, great sporting facilities etc.
Would you make this move at all?
Would you wait until the are older?
It means I would walk away from my work in the business, we would have to take on a full time employee/office manager - could be a problem if the office staff let us down (has happened in the past).
Am I being unreasonable to leave DH on his own? away from the boys during the week? (he could come out mid week for a night trip, the commute is not unheard of but I wouldn't expect him to do it daily)

Personally Option 2 is more work but better for my own career, I will see the boys less as they will go into full time care before starting school, but I would be teaching in the same school. Option 1 is the 'cruisy' one, I pick and choose my hours, more time with boys and it is better suited for DH's work but city living/smaller house and huge school fees.

I know I will resent paying so much in fees but I also know I want my children to go to private school. We are not rich and work hard to get what we have, so a lot of our income will be directed at school fees. I may even have to increase teaching days to afford them. I also want to live with more space and a larger house. The flat we are in now will only last for so long.

I may want to have another child, goodness knows what I'll be like adding another £10K+ to those fees.

I don't want to be too isolated and have a small but good group of friends here, but not too worried about this as i know I would make more and with the boys starting school soon I think making the move now rather than later would be better.

MN - please give me your opinions.
DH - not really giving his opinion either way!!

name changed ;)

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 07/05/2010 22:10

Bloody hell... What a dilemma.

Option 2 would be my choice but only if your relationship is absolutely rock solid.

You haven't said much about what makes you tick outside of your family. That might help you to make the decision. Country life is great but, as you must know, it's so different from City life especially for adults.

wukter · 07/05/2010 22:13

Option 2 is better materialistically but not so good for family life. Ok just saw that you will be taeching at their school. So just bad for DH's family life. Is there a way of making the commute more bearable for him?
Don't worry about admin help in the office, you will get someone reliable, that's just part of hiring staff. Another mum to work school hours would be perfect there, she wouldn't want to jeopardise a job that suits her.

QueenOfToast · 07/05/2010 22:23

Definitely Option 1. Sounds ideal to me (apart from your DH's long working hours and option 2 wouldn't improve that).

piscesmoon · 07/05/2010 22:27

I would definitely stick with option 1.

countrybump · 07/05/2010 22:28

Option 1 would be my choice, but then I've just quit my job entirely to get to spend a few precious years with my DC before they start school.
Material things come and go, but time with your children while they are little is fleeting.

I believe that little children don't care about the size of the house (or flat!) that they live in, what car they are driven round in or the make of their clothes, but they do care about who is there for them. I would wait and move out to the country and take on a full time job once your boys are older, or, alternatively, what I would probably do (and am doing!) is send them to a state primary and save the private school for 11+ when I believe it matters more.

MichaelaS · 07/05/2010 22:33

I'd do option 1 for a few more years and possibly option 2 later once the boys are in school. Like Belle says i'd only do it if the relationship was really good, it's asking for problems really otherwise.

lechatnoir · 07/05/2010 22:33

I'd go with Option 2 if it meant DH coming down Friday night and not leaving again until Monday morning otherwise stick with option 1. Personally I'd hate to see any less of DH and think you could find it quite lonely especially at the weekend when all your friends are spending time with their families and you are home alone again. Plus as BDSM says, it really depends on you & your lifestyle preferenances - a big house & pretty garden won't turn a city girl into a country bumpkin.
Good luck whatever you choose.
LCN

MisSalLaneous · 07/05/2010 22:37

Tough choice. Option 2 sounds marginally better, but I'd be too scared about the impact on my marriage, having worked with guys doing exactly that, only seeing their families at weekends.

For what it's worth, it worked for some, so only you will know how much you rely on each other for emotional support etc on a daily basis.

OrganicHairbrush · 07/05/2010 22:44

I'd go with Option 1, definately. Your DSes need dad around during the week, surely. That'll do more for them, I think, than any school.

SeasideLil · 07/05/2010 22:44

Option 1 is a great option, you are together as a family quite a bit, working in a business together, you are still keeping your hand in with teaching so that is there in the future. Having a baby also looks doable as you have flexible hours, even if the school fees will be high. Option 2 means moving away from husband for most of week (and I bet he's pretty tired on weekends so you are not always getting the best bits) working more, seeing children less and being essentially a single parent who has to work in the week. Having a baby means having a briefish maternity leave then working full-time again. I don't think a larger house is worth that TBH.

chandellina · 07/05/2010 22:49

option 1 sounds much better to me. I would fear the effects of being apart from DH in the week. Sounds awful to me. It's nice to have a bigger house but maybe there's a third way to work toward that goal?

blueshoes · 07/05/2010 23:13

Option 1, to be with dh and because I am a city girl at heart. Country is fine for holidays but I think will irk if I had to live it everyday and also less for dcs once they are older.

So long as option 1 allows you to keep your hand in and you can gear up in your career at a later date, I would not mind cruising for a bit longer, particularly after your family is complete and well on its way.

ChippingIn · 08/05/2010 00:28

From the start of your post, just reading the two options, option 1 for sure. I couldn't really see why option 2 was getting a look in. However, from reading the rest of your post it sounds like option 2 is what you would prefer.

SeasideLil has said pretty much what I would have said if I'd only read your 2 options. (I don't mean she hasn't!! Just that from your options I think that's the best answer, but I'm not sure it's what you want).

MsHighwaterforPrimeMinister · 08/05/2010 00:52

Sorry but this kind of "dilemma" really bemuses me. But then, I struggle to imagine being "not rich" and yet still putting myself in a situation where a huge proportion of my family's earnings was devoted to paying for something I can receive free of charge.

shellio · 08/05/2010 02:44

HOLY SHIT are you for real. Why dont you just do option 3 leave your dh and boys. As you say you like time away from them.

FrakkinTheReturningOfficer · 08/05/2010 07:40

From your DCs perspective my parents chose Option 2 but in reverse. My father had to move for work and for a few years my parents weekended when we could have easily moved so I saw my father more. It lasted 5 years before it was clearly untenable any more. I didn't give a monkeys that we stayed put for a better school, nicer area etc. I wanted my daddy.

So based on that I would say option 1.

Weekending works short term but you're talking about 15+ years of it...and then my parents had a hellish readjustment period because they weren't used to living together. And this was with Monday morning - Weds evening, spending Weds night at home, Thurs morning-Fri night. Occasionally it was a Tues not a Weds my father was home but he couldn't come for school concerts, all the things which are important as a primary aged child. At secondary age it's easier to understand intellectually I think.

You can continue teaching in the city, work is clearly important to you.

It also depends how far you move...You can go quite far out of London but still be commutable on a daily basis and whilst you might not see your DH any more at least he'd be living with your DC know he's coming home at night.

heading4home · 08/05/2010 07:59

Personally I would pick Option 1, but that is mainly because I would give my left arm for flexible working hours.

You sound as though you are leaning towards Option 2. Is it because of your career, or because of the country living/larger house? Living apart from your husband would be really hard IMO.

Original poster
boystimestwo · 08/05/2010 08:29

Morning all,
I've just read very quickly and will sit and re-read it all again properly - thanks.
I can see very valid and interesting points of view and then
shellio's post -
there is nothing wrong in saying i like time away from home and the business - two days to do my own thing and be my own person does not make me a bad person - grrrr

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 08/05/2010 08:32

Yeah - some people you just have to ignore!!

foreverastudent · 08/05/2010 08:37

shellio-that's nasty

option 2- you need to have your own career/income/pension

it doesnt sound like your dp is much of a 'family man' so being away from him doesnt sound like it'd be much of a big deal for you or your boys

Original poster
boystimestwo · 08/05/2010 08:52

MrsHighwater...I'm afraid I've taught in comp secondary schools in quite a few areas of the years (and also private schools) and from this first hand/personal experience I know I want my children to be educated privately....just don't want to pay for it

Quality family life in option 1 is limited, for myself and the boys. DH doesn't get home until well after midnight and is gone by 7.00am each morning. So we just get brief kisses and cuddles, although we know this can't (& won't) go on forever.

I feel following Option 2 is selfish on my part - it's where my heart/desire is (or just an idea of escaping it all). Option 1 is the more practical one (at the moment). Dh and I have had a distance relationship and all worked out ok but that was before DC.

OP posts:
Feelingsensitive · 08/05/2010 09:10

Option 1. No contest for me.

compo · 08/05/2010 09:13

I think option 1
better to have nice work/ life balance than stressed out in fulltime job never seeing kids and hubby

piscesmoon · 08/05/2010 09:15

If Option 1 is more practical at the moment I would stick with it and review later.

SixtyFootDoll · 08/05/2010 09:19

Option 1 - to hae that flexibilty is priceless IMO>

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