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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Which lifestyle would you choose?

67 replies

boystimestwo · 07/05/2010 22:07

I don't know what to do, I feel my life can lead into two different directions and don't know which one I want???

Option 1
Stay put. Currently living in large city. DH runs his own business, I run the office for him with some help. I can set the days/hours I work and do change to fit in local playdates with friends, nights out etc. We have two boys. We have a space accepted at a local private school. I work part time 2 days per week teaching. I can quit teaching, the business could support us but it is my thing and I enjoy my time away from the boys and the business. I imagine when the boys started school, i would do the school run, work a few hours in the business and pick them up in the afternoon, assuming I am not teaching then.
DH works long hours, sees boys in the morning before work and Sundays. Occasionally we will pop into work to see him. He hopes to reduce his hours and this will be possible soon so he can spend more time at home or at least attend school events, sports etc.

Option 2
I take a teaching job away from the city, move to the country for bigger house with more space (currently living in a city flat). Teaching job will give the discounted school fees, so not faced with the £20,000+ annual fees. DH will stay in the city and continue to work, come out on weekends. Boys are in a good school, great sporting facilities etc.
Would you make this move at all?
Would you wait until the are older?
It means I would walk away from my work in the business, we would have to take on a full time employee/office manager - could be a problem if the office staff let us down (has happened in the past).
Am I being unreasonable to leave DH on his own? away from the boys during the week? (he could come out mid week for a night trip, the commute is not unheard of but I wouldn't expect him to do it daily)

Personally Option 2 is more work but better for my own career, I will see the boys less as they will go into full time care before starting school, but I would be teaching in the same school. Option 1 is the 'cruisy' one, I pick and choose my hours, more time with boys and it is better suited for DH's work but city living/smaller house and huge school fees.

I know I will resent paying so much in fees but I also know I want my children to go to private school. We are not rich and work hard to get what we have, so a lot of our income will be directed at school fees. I may even have to increase teaching days to afford them. I also want to live with more space and a larger house. The flat we are in now will only last for so long.

I may want to have another child, goodness knows what I'll be like adding another £10K+ to those fees.

I don't want to be too isolated and have a small but good group of friends here, but not too worried about this as i know I would make more and with the boys starting school soon I think making the move now rather than later would be better.

MN - please give me your opinions.
DH - not really giving his opinion either way!!

name changed ;)

OP posts:

Maveta · 08/05/2010 09:40

option 1 but i don't think we have the same outlook because i can't see the appeal in option 2 at all. I understand the worry about being isolated and tbh I wouldn't be so sure you can count on being able to pick up new (good) friends that easily, though you sound confident about it so maybe it comes naturally to you (if so, lucky! )

Hulababy · 08/05/2010 10:02

Option 1. I wouldn't want to live apart from dh and our dd would hate to be away from her daddy.

Original poster

boystimestwo · 08/05/2010 10:14

One thought was to try this move away for a year. Not sell the flat, keep the place in the city school and see how the year goes.
But then not sure living in limbo for a year will give a good indication?

OP posts:

LisaD1 · 08/05/2010 10:39

Option 1 for me. My DH works in London and is out of the house for 12hrs a day BUT when he is here is is very hands on and a great dad to our girls. For me, I couldn't give that up for option 2.

However, I have a friend who did option 2 and her reasons were not even for the benefit of her family-it was for her horses! She moved to Wales (from Surrey) and left her DH and 17yr old DD here. They went to Wales for the weekend. Her DD is now at uni and her DH has now made the move permanently to Wales, their marriage survived very well and all parties seem really happy with their decision.

Each to their own, not something I could/would do but for some people (like my friend) it can work very well. Only you know which camp you fall into.

rlp · 08/05/2010 10:48

You mention having experience in teaching secondary level which makes you want a private education for your boys. Is it worth waiting a while and seeing how they get on in a state school at this young age, with plans to change to private later? My family had no thoughts of a private education until I was 10 and offered the chance to do 11+. I went from a state primary to private grammar successfully and your boys might be just as happy. So much can change in the years inbetween, possibly including your DH's prioritising between work and family.
I would not want to move from the area I am in (city suburbs in yorkshire so quite different to you) but then I would not want to live in a flat with children either! Is there a compromise option with a good state primary, house with a garden, and manageable commute?
You could be saving money on:

No school fees for a few years.
Only keeping one house.

And:
Would continuing to work in the business be appropriate, giving you flexible working? Does that mean you see your husband during a working day?
Could you find a job in a suitable area without needing the school fee discount as part of the deal?

Asking on here is a bit like flipping a coin. You look at the result and hope that your reaction to it helps you crystalise how YOU feel. How I would feel is irrelevant!

shellio · 08/05/2010 11:41

Oops didnt realise i was in the boden mummies department. Considering there are so many people unemployed and having a rough time these days your post smacks of self importance. You need to spend more time as a family, i would say that should be your main priority.

Original poster

boystimestwo · 08/05/2010 13:06

Shellio - not sure why the attack?, but then again this is MN. This is not self importance - both options will be because of our family - and will impact our family in different ways. I know some people are doing it hard, but we work and have worked very hard all of our lives. I've often had two or three jobs since being at uni, we both have come from working class backgounds. We are not rich, don't pretend to be and don't appreciate the 'boden mummies department comment. Boden have some beautiful clothes and I can only claim one piece in my wardrobe and that was bought off ebay!!

OP posts:

MisSalLaneous · 08/05/2010 13:14

Oh shellio, give it a rest. OP asked for opinions on her options, and people are giving exactly that, which OP seems to listen to and consider.

All you're doing is slagging her off, which is pointless and uncalled for.

blackcurrants · 08/05/2010 13:21

Having spent some time living apart from DH due to our respective jobs, we've sworn we will never, ever, ever do it again - so it would be option 1 for me, at least for now. We fought so much and got so lonely, all at the same time - it was manageable but I'd never volunteer to do it again.

But I do understand what you say about the career thing. It is a dilemma. Sorry not to be more helpful!

happysmiley · 08/05/2010 13:26

Would be option 2 for me. Partly because your career sounds like it is important to you and partly because it sounds like you don't get to see much of DH anyway during the week. Hopefully, with option 2, you'll see just as much of your DH as you currently do and when you are all together as a family you can have some proper quality time.

MarshaBrady · 08/05/2010 13:26

Can you look for teaching position in the city. Use saved fees for bigger place and all stay together?

Not sure whether they have to go to a certain school yet.

(Wouldn't worry too much about finding an admin person)

Nellykats · 08/05/2010 13:28

if anything smacks of self importance it's your own rude comments shellio, what are you, the anti-boden avenger?

TrillianAstra · 08/05/2010 13:37

I would not choose to only see DH at the weekend, so option 1 for me.

I assume you have already considered the idea that not everyone pays for schools, and that's why there is no option 3 or 4 that does not involve 20k/year of school fees in the balance?

Shellio, for example, is a twat.

Nellykats · 08/05/2010 13:38

A better job that would require you to move away would be good career and money wise, but is there no way you could achieve that nearer to your existing home? Because a long commute during the weekend could really exhaust both your husband and your relationship... thus a bigger house where you only get together once a week doesn't seem to me like the ideal situation. I really understand your dilemma, but I would probably try for a closer place of work, possibly also taking into consideration that it might be nice for the boys to be at school away from mum and dad rather than with mum teaching next door.

Jajas · 08/05/2010 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 08/05/2010 13:50

If your children are not at school yet for me that would be too young.

Could the business not be moved?

Is private education really such a must?

Original poster

boystimestwo · 08/05/2010 14:03

I have lived out of town but in another country, so know what it involves.

I really do want private education, I know this is a hot topic but I have seen some horrible stuff in secondary schools and I don't want that for my children. If I have to work three jobs to pay for their education then I will - it's just my choice. I do agree that primary would be fine and I would consider this, secodary in a large city is another matter. Apoligies I don't wnat this to turn into a debate about private and state - state does work in some areas and for some families.

Children are not yet at school, so maybe the time is not right, my thinking is that I would want to make the move and settle in sooner rather than later. But they are so young and do miss dad all the time, so having mum away all day would probably be an issue (until School at least)

OP posts:

MarshaBrady · 08/05/2010 14:05

Boys why can't you get a teaching position at a private school in the city? (and therefore get fee reduction)

PollyTicks · 08/05/2010 14:08

Option 1. You know it works. Option 2 sounds good on paper but in reality I think it might be stressful and lonely.

loobylu3 · 08/05/2010 14:52

As your boys are still very small (pre school age), I would stick with option 1. Maybe you could re consider option 2 when they are a little older.

You haven't mentioned quite a few things in your post:

What does your DH think about these options?
Who looks after the boys when you work in the business/ teach?
Do you enjoy working in the business or do you see it more as an obligation?
Could you find a teaching job in the city or increase your days at the school you currently teach at?

Overall, you seem to enjoy your teaching career and to be quite confident and ambitious. These are all great attributes to have, however, I think compromise for the sake of your children, DH, relationship, etc is still more important overall with the boys being so young. Small boys need their father even more than small girls. ( We have had periods where DH has had to work away for few months and it is hard and not ideal for the children). I think you would have to have a really good reason for deciding on this as a long term plan. Everybody would like a bigger house and lots of people would like to educate their children privately but I'm not counting them as really good reasons)!
Would you be happier with a compromise such as a 3-4 day teaching job and minimal involvement in the business?
Good luck with your decision

MrsC2010 · 08/05/2010 16:09

1 for me. (Apart from the country part...I'm not a city dweller.) I just don't think I'd be that up for being away from DH that amount and having the kids not with me. The investment in your business will probably pay off, and I think it is nicer to have the family together. But then I'm not all that bothered by money, bar having enough to live a safe, comfortable life.

Salbysea · 08/05/2010 16:18

it would be 1 for me

not a country person but even disregarding that it would still be 1 for me.

sorry if this has asked already, but if you went for 2 and didn't like it, do you think you'd be able to go back to 1 or would to many bridges be burnt?

kickassangel · 08/05/2010 16:31

at first i thought option 1, the i thought - hmm, town flat sounds like it could be cramped as the kids grow & if dh is at work so much, perhaps the move wouldn't be so bad.

IF you went for option 2, would it be guaranteed that dh would be able to see you properly at the weekend? as in, spend real time with you & not be totally exhausted?

my dsis has stayed put & refused to follow her dh as his job has moved to various parts of the country, and there are times when he works abroad for weeks. also, think of all the forces families & what they go through. it can be done, but can your family do it? dsis has au pairs to help out at home, cheaper than a nanny/nursery etc & some basic housework gets done.

i think you need to find out what your dh wants - hold a gun to his head if necessary.

kickassangel · 08/05/2010 16:36

oh, and where would dh live once you'd moved? would it really save any money to run two houses?

Quattrocento · 08/05/2010 16:36

I'd go for option 1. The trouble with option 2 is that you don't have a family life except at weekends, which isn't a great solution.

Wouldn't fancy deep in the country myself.

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