Which lifestyle would you choose?

[boystimestwo]

I don't know what to do, I feel my life can lead into two different directions and don't know which one I want???

Option 1
Stay put. Currently living in large city. DH runs his own business, I run the office for him with some help. I can set the days/hours I work and do change to fit in local playdates with friends, nights out etc. We have two boys. We have a space accepted at a local private school. I work part time 2 days per week teaching. I can quit teaching, the business could support us but it is my thing and I enjoy my time away from the boys and the business. I imagine when the boys started school, i would do the school run, work a few hours in the business and pick them up in the afternoon, assuming I am not teaching then.
DH works long hours, sees boys in the morning before work and Sundays. Occasionally we will pop into work to see him. He hopes to reduce his hours and this will be possible soon so he can spend more time at home or at least attend school events, sports etc.

Option 2
I take a teaching job away from the city, move to the country for bigger house with more space (currently living in a city flat). Teaching job will give the discounted school fees, so not faced with the £20,000+ annual fees. DH will stay in the city and continue to work, come out on weekends. Boys are in a good school, great sporting facilities etc.
Would you make this move at all?
Would you wait until the are older?
It means I would walk away from my work in the business, we would have to take on a full time employee/office manager - could be a problem if the office staff let us down (has happened in the past).
Am I being unreasonable to leave DH on his own? away from the boys during the week? (he could come out mid week for a night trip, the commute is not unheard of but I wouldn't expect him to do it daily)

Personally Option 2 is more work but better for my own career, I will see the boys less as they will go into full time care before starting school, but I would be teaching in the same school. Option 1 is the 'cruisy' one, I pick and choose my hours, more time with boys and it is better suited for DH's work but city living/smaller house and huge school fees.

I know I will resent paying so much in fees but I also know I want my children to go to private school. We are not rich and work hard to get what we have, so a lot of our income will be directed at school fees. I may even have to increase teaching days to afford them. I also want to live with more space and a larger house. The flat we are in now will only last for so long.

I may want to have another child, goodness knows what I'll be like adding another £10K+ to those fees.

I don't want to be too isolated and have a small but good group of friends here, but not too worried about this as i know I would make more and with the boys starting school soon I think making the move now rather than later would be better.

MN - please give me your opinions.
DH - not really giving his opinion either way!!

name changed ;)

I would go for option 2 but for other reasons - if you are working for your DH's business, it really is as a family having all your eggs in one basket - you loose everything if something happens to his business. This way the family get a 2nd income, without the expense of school fees and you have your own pension etc as well.

If you're DH doesn't see the boys execpt for before work, when they are at school that won't really be quality time unless you are a family who get up several hours before you need too (assuming everyone is like us and rushing round like blue-arsed flies in the morning). If he can work longer hours in the week as he has no one to get home for, would that free up his saturdays to have more quality time with you all? If it's commutable, could he have say, Wednesday night as a 'date night' (horrid phrase, I know) so you have another night in the week with adult company?

I do know people who've done the city/country 2 house lifestyle and made it work, but only by ring fencing weekends for family.

However, can it wait until your boys are at school if they are currently pre-school or do you have to have been teaching at the school for a set number of years? (Sorry if I've got that bit wrong)

oh and Shellio - problems of people financially better off than you aren't any less valid. (I don't go on threads when someone's saying that they have debt problems to tell them to stop complaining as there are people in this world without access to clean drinking water and children dying of preventable diseases - just because there are people worst off than you doesn't mean you're not entitled to ask for advice)

Would be option 2 for me, have to think about own career development too?

DH would stay on accommodatin attached to the business, where we lived before children, so not worries with cost of two houses, that would make any school fees saving neglible.

Full-time care- outside of nursery hours - so a nanny or aupair to fill the gaps during the week when I am teaching - until they get to school age.

I can look at city schools, the compromise would be staying in a smaller home.

Must go find that gun.....

Is there really no option three? Both options don't sound too much fun to me? Also, is DH really not bothered by what you choose? Is it because it won't make that much difference to him? I just find it a bit baffling.

I am completely with you on the career argument. I personally get a great deal of satisfaction out of my work and enjoy it more and more. Doesn't mean I don't love my daughter. I don't get the private school thing. I went to private school and didn't like it, no friends locally, all the emphasis on academic success and middle-class conformity.

Is there really no middle ground? I just find it hard to imagine being a relationship where my DH and I lived such separate lives and were prepared to go in such different directions. Maybe that's why I'm single!

Cities are better than the Country. So Option 1.

Option 1.
I think if you went back to work full time, you'd realise how little time you're spending with your family (esp husband) and have zero time for yourself.

Option 3 - Could you work part-time in your new job, still get discounted school fees? Is it too far to commute?

Option 1 with state primary.. working towards an Option 2 arrangment a few years down the line (but before your kids are at an age that they will have to work very hard to reestablish themselves in the 'new world' of country vs city)

Option 1, I believe it is important that both you and your DCs are with your DH during the week, otherwise you are effectively living two separate lives and your DH would be very much on the margins of that and I cannot see that an arrangement like that would be sustainable over the long term.

fakeplastic i am more than financially secure thanks!! And the rest of you - im just havin a laugh, loosen up a bit ffs! Looks like i hit a nerve with some of you though!!

oh and by the way fake it is worse off not worst off

No nerve hit, I just get easily irritated when surrounded by loud idiots.

Option 1 for me - but I know plenty who do Option 2 and not all of those relationships have coped well with the loneliness/temptations of spending the majority of your week apart albeit with the long term benefit of the family in mind.

Option 1

I don't really see the appeal of 2 - sounds quite stressful and too isolated. I know the career aspect of it is important to you but I think if your boys are still so young and you are considering another baby, it makes more sense to wait and not go full time just yet - if you are doing your few days now already then you already have your "foot in the door" and should be able to upgrade to full time when the time is right.

As someone else said, at least your know option 1 works. I think number 2 sounds a bit complicated and also risky in that it would upset the whole family balance.

we recently had to make a similar decision and came to a compromise. We decided to move away from the city and base ourselves in a town with schools we were happy with and buy a bigger house with a large garden. We both now have about an hour's commute door to door, I work part time so do the commute 3 times a week. Its not the country retreat we dreamt of but we felt the DC & I would miss DH too much and vice versa if he only came home at the w/e's. We know families where the dad works in the city and only comes home at w/e's and it really changes the family dynamics with the danger of each parent living increasingly seperate lives. I think not seeing each other daily for months/years on end means the glue of relationships ie: communication, will suffer.

Option 1 for me. You really won't see much of your dh if you do option 2 and I would imagine it could be very easy to drift apart. You already said he sees the boys before school and that you pop in sometimes and that he hopes to reduce his hours.

No way my dh would go for option 2.