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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be about to confess that I hate my engagement ring?

21 replies

Somethingwicked · 06/05/2010 14:38

I have been engaged for four years, together for ten, we have 3 children and we are just about to get married. When we got engaged he gave me a very expensive gold ring with a diamond, bought on HP, and then recently he gave me an eternity ring that matches with seven diamonds (also on HP, could still be returned I think)!

I know I sound unbelievably ungrateful but I just hate them both- I don't like yellow gold or diamonds, I find them really showy and ostentatious and large and just not me at all. I can't really expect him to know what sort of jewellery I like as I don't really have much, so it isn't him being oblivious.

The thing is, we are so skint at the moment and having a major cashflow crisis and he is considering selling his precious electric guitar that saw him through his teenage years, university band etc.

I would so much rather sell my rings and get one ring that I actually like, e.g small, vintage silver or platinum with a ruby or emerald or another sparkly stone that I love but would be much cheaper.

Shall I confess my secret to him or just sit on it for the rest of my married life?

OP posts:
Firawla · 06/05/2010 14:40

I wouldn't go from the "I don't like them" aspect but just tell him you would rather sell them and let him keep the guitar, and if he says oh no but you need your rings, tell him you dont mind buying just a small one instead as it will be better off all round? It sounds better than saying you dont like it which may seem ungrateful and if you had them for 4 years he will feel hurt you didnt like them all this time

LaurieFairyCake · 06/05/2010 14:42

This is tricky - you needed to have said something before he bought the second ring. Have you really been wearing a ring you don't like for 4 years?

I would pretend that my taste has changed and that you've discovered yellow gold doesn't really suit you/you think silver is more modern and young looking etc and then go for silver or platinum.

ChippingIn · 06/05/2010 14:42

I wouldn't confess, I think that would hurt him. However, I am sure there is some way that you could phrase it so that you get what you want and he keeps the guitar and his pride

How about... 'I know how much your PEG means to you and I don't want you to sell it, it would make me unhappy. I have seen a little vintage ring that I love and would be happy to exchange that for my rings to get the money that we need if you come and see if you like it too.'

LaurieFairyCake · 06/05/2010 14:43

Pretend you've had your colours 'done' - they always tell you whether you should be wearing gold or silver coloured jewellery as it depends on the tone of your skin.

BessieBoots · 06/05/2010 14:46

Tell him! And choose the next together...

Know what you mean, by the way, though I was lucky enough to go ring shopping with DH. He would have gone for a diamond, which I don't like, so I had a gold with a single tanzanite gem in it. I got quite annoyed with the lack of choice of solitaires which weren't diamonds!

LoveBeingAHungParliament · 06/05/2010 14:52

Tbh I don't know how you are going to bring up the idea if selling them without him saying don't you like them?

TarheelMama · 06/05/2010 15:37

I would be honest with him. I know it's a tricky situation because you don't want to hurt his feelings, but if you know he won't hold a grudge about you telling him, then I recommend telling him.

I hated my engagement ring and after a month, I worked up the courage and told my (now) DH. It definitely hurt his feelings, which I didn't want to do, but we got past it.

Good luck!

Mamalade · 06/05/2010 15:40

Wow.I think you're fabulous.And I think if he knows how you feel,he'll be thanking the Gods he got such a generous and selfless partner.
Bull by the horns girl.

addictedisinthesecondtrimester · 06/05/2010 15:47

i think you should be honest with him, not in an ungratefull way but in the way you've said in your op.

QueenThistle · 06/05/2010 17:49

Agree with Firawla

whywhywhydelilah · 06/05/2010 18:05

Develop an allergy to gold.

Acanthus · 06/05/2010 18:09

Surely he'll get past his hurt feelings after a while, after all you kept quiet for years becaus you loved him and didn't want to upset him. You appreciated the thought, which is (presumably) why you did that, but now times is hard and you don't actually like the ring so it's time to come clean. Is that really hurtful? I don't think it is. And honesty is REALLY important in a marriage.

KissWithAFistula · 06/05/2010 18:19

At least (to paraphrase some extremely annoying and morally dubious adverts), "with gold prices at an all time high". You can claim it makes more financial sense to sell the gold.

Just have to hope he doesn't realise silver and platinum aren't doing so bad either

MamaLazarou · 06/05/2010 18:32

Bless him, for offering to sell his precious guitar. He sounds lovely.

In your situation, I would just come out with it - tactfully. Tell him you know how much his guitar means to him, and though you appreciate the gift of the rings, you would gladly exchange them for something cheaper.

kickassangel · 06/05/2010 18:32

can you phrase it that you don't LIKE the rings as much as you LOVE the guitar & the idea of having money for things you need as a family?

that seeing him happy, and the family not struggling, is more important.

perhaps do some asking around to see if financially it makes sense to sell the rings & 'downsize' - will it give you enough money for what you need?

YANBU

Original poster
Somethingwicked · 06/05/2010 19:14

hmmm, thanks,

well I haven't said anything yet. I did just look at some other rings on the internet and they are not cheap either! I am going to have to do a bit of undercover research into whether my ones would sell too I think....

OP posts:
saslou · 06/05/2010 19:16

I would go with the allergy to gold idea, but remember that you don't always get what you paid when you sell jewellery and platinum costs more than gold. Might be better to keep them for your dd if you have one.

RubysReturn · 06/05/2010 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

helyg · 06/05/2010 19:24

YANBU. However you may well upset your DH.

I got engaged 9 years ago (married 8) and I chose my ring, at the time I loved it. But now I'm not hugely keen on it, my tastes have changed. I make the excuse that in my job (in a nuresery school) it is impractical to wear it all the time...

cruelladepoppins · 06/05/2010 19:59

I would advise not to decide anything unless and until you know how much the rings would fetch. As saslou says, sadly 2nd-hand rings don't go for nearly as much money as they originally cost.

If the 2nd ring is being bought on HP, he is not likely to get back any of the money he has already paid.

All power to you though and good luck. You have each other - rings and electric guitars are weeny compared to that.

GiraffeYoga · 06/05/2010 20:41

YANBU to not like them but... if this was me telling my DH the same thing, manalive, he'd be GUTTED with a capital G.

Depends on your DH i guess.

Good luck!

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