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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MN Jury decide - what should I do about bro?

125 replies

MrsMiamla · 06/05/2010 12:52

long story, started when he was born, apparently at the age of 3 I took one look at him and declared I didn't like him. The rest of our sibling relationship has followed the same lines with him not liking me much either.

His birthday is Christmas day and we always have to make a big deal over it. Not allowed to mention Christmas during his self-allocated birthday period etc. I made a really big effort this year, alot of thought and money went into both his Christmas and birthday presents. for Christmas he got me a beret

He lives abroad so didn't see him for my birthday this year (Jan), oh, but I did get a text message saying Happy Birthday. This is more than I usually get so I was quite surprised.

Fast forward a few months and I get married (April). He asked for compensation for loss of earnings if he was going to come to my wedding. Needless to say, I declined his request and he didn't come. Leading up to the wedding I phoned him a few times to try and reason with him but he kept insisting that we change the date, it wasn't convenient for him, flights too expensive, he'd lose earnings blah blah blah. I amazingly kept my cool with him. A week before the wedding I got another text asking if I'd changed the date yet!

Anyhow, my current dilemma is this. He's currently staying at my mum's for a few days. Mum has summoned me to hers to see him (no specific time mentioned). And I really can't be bothered. If he wants to see me I feel he should make the effort to at least phone me and tell me what his plans are. And at the very least, offer to visit me. I'm pg (24wks) with a toddler and not feeling very charitable so MN jury...you decide!

Do I

(a) put a sweet smile on my face, pack DS up into the car and drive over to see him (15mins drive in case that's relevant)

(b) Sod him! Do nothing and carry on with my normal routine.

(d) another suitable option that the MN jury come up with!

OP posts:

EdgarAllenPoll · 06/05/2010 21:23

always the way, and it really, really ruins them...

crosses heart and promises to treat all kids as equally as possible

outnumbered2to1 · 06/05/2010 21:24

wait a minute you are NOT ALLOWED to mention christmas on Christmas just because its his birthday? sorry but WTF???!!!

gotta be option B and if your mother calls to ask why you haven't been over tell her its becuase you have better things to do.

Spoilt is a word that springs to mind... (your brother that is..)

Original poster

MrsMiamla · 06/05/2010 21:53

edgar that's what i'm hoping to do too ie treat all kids as equally as possible. We can but try

outnumbered its for a set amount of time on Christmas day. He decides when it starts/finishes on the day. He always has Christmas eve (afternoon and night) for birthday meal (and drinks now he's older). He sulks if we don't all attend. So last year when I had 10 for lunch the following day and my DS's first Christmas to prepare for, I spent the night not drinking (i was bf DS still) in a pub of his choice, miles from where I live.

The more I write about him, the more I am determined not to pander to him anymore

OP posts:

outnumbered2to1 · 06/05/2010 21:56

sorry but your brother sounds like a really really spoiled brat. How old is he cos he's acting like a 5 year old?

Original poster

MrsMiamla · 06/05/2010 22:17

outnumbered... you don't know the half of it!
He's in his early 30s

OP posts:

outnumbered2to1 · 06/05/2010 23:05

is he the youngest in the family? or the only son? either way it sounds like your entire family has pandered to his every whim all of his life to the point where he now believes his own hype unfortunately.....

tell him to bloody grow up and that the two children you are dealing with (including your bump) are more than enough petulance to deal with on a daily basis

Original poster

MrsMiamla · 07/05/2010 08:39

he's neither the youngest or the only son! but, he is of course ruler of us all.

after this thread i feel almost cleansed. it has been very therapeutic writing about him and hearing that others not only understand but support me with him being unreasonable. I have to accept that as far as DS and bump are concerned, they're going to think he's the coolest thing since sliced bread. He's quite a free spirit, works when he has to (when funding from family gets low!), travels when he wants. His current project is building a commune type place over in Europe. He's never done any manual work let alone building before but hey, how hard can it be to put up a few buildings

So, thank you everyone for all your contributions. I may well be back tomorrow on AIBU though...pil are staying this weekend!

OP posts:

NetworkGuy · 07/05/2010 15:08

Glad you went, sad he's so selfish. Having seen more and more revelations I perhaps would have backtracked about you being "big sister" and visiting for peace of mind.

Can see YANBU to never wish to fit in with his wishes (nor your mother's if she is on his side).

I try not to wish ill of anyone, but can see that if he was out of your life for the next 10 years or more, you'd probably have few {no!} regrets, while he gets on with this commune!

Wishing you and yours well.

Original poster

MrsMiamla · 07/05/2010 22:32

thanks networkguy, sorry, didn't mean to reveal gradually! we didn't talk for 3 years (he punched me and it took a long time for me to forgive him. can't remember what occasion it was,might have been my 21st but i had a black eye that a bouncer would be proud of) It was really difficult for mum though so actually, yes it would be hard if i didn't see him for 10 years but i'm certainly in no hurry to see him for a few months now at least!
i hope you get some sort of closure/solution re your sister

OP posts:

NetworkGuy · 08/05/2010 01:58

Wasn't a criticism - however, the more I learns, the more I 'feel for you', and would have to doff hat (if I ever wore one) again and again, as you have plenty of reasons not to want to bend to meet his demands.

Sounds like he gets favoured treatment (of all your siblings) from your Mum (though I may be wrong).

With my knowing I still have other sisters for whom I'd do anything in my power to help, means if things don't get smoother between the one sister and myself, I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

[ Hmmmm, just cut out half of the post as I pondered whether the one sister might look on here and identify me! ]

MadamDeathstare · 08/05/2010 02:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lavenderbongo · 08/05/2010 06:01

MrsMiamla - i could have written a very similar thread to yours. I am I suppose the pfb and have one younger sister and my bro is the youngest.

He - in my opinion - has been spoilt and pandered to by my parents for years. For many years after her left school with no qualifications he had no steady job, refused to sign on and was supported financially by my parents. He lived at home on and off, occassionally getting himself into trouble and being bailed out again and again.

Both my sister and myself begged my parents to leave him alone to deal with his own problems and force him to support himself. Eventually they ran out of money and he has had to stand on his own two feet.

I love hime dearly but find the way he treated my parents difficult to forgive. My DH almost threw him out of our house many years ago after and argument and I have almost come to blows with him when he was living at home and used to steal my parents car and money.

Anyway, he is a lot better now but I just wanted to share as I think it is a common problem amongst younger male siblings.

Original poster

MrsMiamla · 08/05/2010 10:04

lavender..thank you. Yup, my bro has had to be bailed out of trouble a few times as well. The most dramatic was a 'rescue' when he upset the wrong people in Thailand. It was the only time in his life I've actually seen him (and my dad) scared. I had hoped it would have an improvement on his attitude and how he treated others, but to no avail! Pleased to hear that yours is better now but i've given up hoping re mine!

madam.. yup, that's one of the reasons i went over as well!

networkguy.. its lovely how you write about your other sisters. i feel the same about my other siblings too. And no, you're not wrong re his treatment

I'm in two minds about whether to have it out with him or not before he leaves next week.... i've written him a letter... not sure whether i should just leave it or send it or read it out to him over the phone...decisions decisions!

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 08/05/2010 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elasticwoman · 08/05/2010 14:46

I think your mother is hypocritical to expect you to get on well with the brother who is utterly spoilt. If you want to promote sibling affection, you treat your dc equally. Not many brothers would have the cheek to make the unreasonable demands you have been insulted with, but who gave him the idea that he was so important?

I have less than perfect relations with 2 of my 3 brothers, but at least they all came to my wedding without expecting any help to do so, one of them travelling all the way from the West Indies.

I think the best way of dealing with him is to keep the lines of communication open, so that he can come and form uncle-type relationships with your dc but do not put yourself out or have expectations that may be disappointed. Never give in to his spoilt child demands either; if he decides not to see you it's entirely his loss and I don't think you need consider your parents' feelings since they have brought this on themselves with their bad parenting.

Original poster

MrsMiamla · 09/05/2010 19:52

well brother has struck again... he has left a message on our answerphone today telling me that my mum isn't going to look after DS whilst i'm at work this week because he wants to spend time with her without my DS being there. DH is now having to use his annual leave to look after him this week. (and before i get judged using mum as childcare, she offered so I could go back to work pt and knows how much i appreciate it. its obviously time to sort out different arrangements that don't involve her now)

really really wish I'd not bothered to go round to see him last week now. was obviously a huge fucking waste of time

OP posts:

marriednotdead · 09/05/2010 20:01

What a selfish manipulative bastard . Your mum says what exactly- surely the message should have come from her? How much of it was her decision I wonder...
So sorry you have to be related to this waste of space.

mumbar · 09/05/2010 20:15

Oh Mrs I've just read lastest updates and can't beleive how what happened

Actually I have sister who is treated the same sun shines and all that but I don't think even my mum would do that to me?

GeekOfTheWeek · 09/05/2010 20:38

What marriednotdead said.

Personally I would tell him to get fucked. I just would not facilitate this behaviour. Why are people like this allowed to get away with it. Fucking annoys me.

Littlefish · 09/05/2010 21:03

MrsMiamla - have you spoken to your mum about the arrangements for this week? Has your brother just taken it upon himself to organise this? I wouldn't just let it drop. I think you need to make it clear to your mum that you are very grateful for her help, but that it would have been nice to have more notice/have her discuss it with you, rather than hear it from your brother.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 09/05/2010 21:30

MrsMiamla - this is where you need to get devious and speak directly to your Mum and say how much you appreciate her help and DS is so looking forward to his special time with Granny etc. Or go and speak to her directly, taking ds with you.

Hope you manage to sort something out.

j0807bump · 09/05/2010 21:40

b. but only because my brothers are similar. unfortunately for the sake of trying to make a peace in reality i'd choose c and prob end up with the smiling meeting followed by lashings of bitching.

Supercherry · 09/05/2010 22:17

Asshole or not, he's still your brother. I'd probably pop over for a visit and attempt to be the better person. However, that is spoken as a non-pregnant person, when I was pregnant I would definitely have gone for option B as my hormonal irritable self could not have coped with aforementioned asshole.

Gallievans · 10/05/2010 22:06

hmm, they summon you to visit. When you ring, you are given a (small) window of opportunity because they have picnic plans - which didn't seem to involve you & your ds? So, now's the sneaky bit in this. You know when they're going to be out at the picnic. So - you get in the car and drive over. They're out. so you leave a note (assuming you don't have a key) saying oops, sorry, you must have misheard the timings, then take yourself & DS out for a treat. That way you've been the good one - you called - and it's their fault you missed them as they must have given you the wrong time!

But I'm probably way late by now....

tinkletinklelittlestar · 10/05/2010 22:30

Sounds like someone is hanging on to his mother's apron strings. Whereas, you are an adult.

What do you want to do? Why is it that the eldest child is expected to do it all by themselves and the youngest gets loads of help? I speak from experience and it is the same for my DP.

You have been summoned? What are you, 10 years old? How rude!

The options you have shown point to trouble for a whole number of reasons.

I would invite them over (saying you are feeling pretty tired all the time (who cares if it is true or not you are heavily pregnant!) and don't want to worry about your toddler running riot at granny's house) and give them a few options as to when.

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