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Original poster

MN Jury decide - what should I do about bro?

125 replies

MrsMiamla · 06/05/2010 12:52

long story, started when he was born, apparently at the age of 3 I took one look at him and declared I didn't like him. The rest of our sibling relationship has followed the same lines with him not liking me much either.

His birthday is Christmas day and we always have to make a big deal over it. Not allowed to mention Christmas during his self-allocated birthday period etc. I made a really big effort this year, alot of thought and money went into both his Christmas and birthday presents. for Christmas he got me a beret

He lives abroad so didn't see him for my birthday this year (Jan), oh, but I did get a text message saying Happy Birthday. This is more than I usually get so I was quite surprised.

Fast forward a few months and I get married (April). He asked for compensation for loss of earnings if he was going to come to my wedding. Needless to say, I declined his request and he didn't come. Leading up to the wedding I phoned him a few times to try and reason with him but he kept insisting that we change the date, it wasn't convenient for him, flights too expensive, he'd lose earnings blah blah blah. I amazingly kept my cool with him. A week before the wedding I got another text asking if I'd changed the date yet!

Anyhow, my current dilemma is this. He's currently staying at my mum's for a few days. Mum has summoned me to hers to see him (no specific time mentioned). And I really can't be bothered. If he wants to see me I feel he should make the effort to at least phone me and tell me what his plans are. And at the very least, offer to visit me. I'm pg (24wks) with a toddler and not feeling very charitable so MN jury...you decide!

Do I

(a) put a sweet smile on my face, pack DS up into the car and drive over to see him (15mins drive in case that's relevant)

or

(b) Sod him! Do nothing and carry on with my normal routine.

or

(c) phone him to ask him what his plans are and take it from there

or

(d) another suitable option that the MN jury come up with!

OP posts:
YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 06/05/2010 13:19

Hmm, B if you think you can stick to it, or give your mum a call and ask her to let him know that you're expecting a call from him to arrange when he comes to visit you. That way the ball is in his court.

instructionstothedouble · 06/05/2010 13:20

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werewolf · 06/05/2010 13:21

No, haven't seen him for ages. He didn't come to my wedding or the dcs' christenings. He didn't talk to me at funerals etc (though his wife did). The not talking's been going on about 20 years now.

Firawla · 06/05/2010 13:21

b!
I can't believe he asked you to compensate loss of earnings if he came to wedding, that is probably the cheekiest thing I have ever heard, soo rude!

diddl · 06/05/2010 13:22

I agree if he wants to see you he should be making contact.

I´m abroad & when I visit I make arrangements & go to people.

ReneRusso · 06/05/2010 13:23

I would do (c), but I tend to do as I'm told by my mum (I'm only 38)

SalFresco · 06/05/2010 13:24

If he was just a typical forgetful, slightly spoiled little brother then a.

But the whole wedding thing, etc, suggests that he goes well beyond that. So b.

fwiw, DH has recently stopped making the effort with his middle brother - very hard work, very resentful, grudge holding, aggressive individual - and wishes he had done it sooner. SOmetimes it doesn't help people to just accomodate their unreasonable behaviour, for the sake of family - sometimes it stops them learning the consequences of their behaviour.

Anyway, at 24 weeks preg, with a toddler, surely they should be visiting you?!

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/05/2010 13:25

Agree with mistlethrush, then you can't be considered anything but reasonable.

But, blimey, compensating earnings. That's just insane. Did he come in the end?

Anyway, (b) obviously, but like mistlethrush's compromise.

LoveBeingAHungParliament · 06/05/2010 13:28

You don't want to go so don't. Your mum probably thinks you'll just give in and go. Personally he didn't come to the wedding, plus you gave a toddler and are pg I feel he should be coming to you.

You could alwyas do it along the lines of doing a special lunch for him at yours? (but nit going over board obviously)

posieparker · 06/05/2010 13:28

I wouldn't rush to make either happy, seems as if your parents were complicit in making such a difficult relationship with your sibling then here is the fruit of their labour. And if that was my mother she would have had words with my sibling about not attending my wedding.

firsttimemum77 · 06/05/2010 13:29

(b) kind off... unless he can compensate you for travel costs and loss of earnings too...!

I can't believe he asked you to change your wedding date to suit him!!! selfish git!

Angelcat666 · 06/05/2010 13:36

Definitely b, especially as your mother summoned you. That would really get my back up.

NotActuallyAMum · 06/05/2010 13:36

(d) tell your Mum she's no right "summoning" you to do anything, and text your brother (assuming that's an option) and tell him he knows where you are if he wants to come and see you but secretly hope he doesn't bother

NetworkGuy · 06/05/2010 13:39

Although deep down I want to suggest (b) I'm actually going to go with (a).

While you certainly made effort for his Birthday and Christmas, and it is hardly great for you to have to pack DS into car, it's only 15 minutes drive, and shows your Mum willing, even if it is really only tepid interest.

It does, however, prove that you, as big sister, can ignore his childish ways (I think the request for loss of earnings was really petty, and not too sure about his present for you - don't know his financial situation - for all I know your Mum may have had to help him with the fare to get to visit her).

In the long run, even though you're not had a great relationship (and same is true of me with one of my sisters) you would, I am sure, hate to be reminded, if anything happened to him, that when you had a chance to see him, you hadn't. Even if you don't think it would matter, it would to your Mum, I am sure.

I'm wet eyed as I type because of the fact I didn't know much of what happened in the life of one of my nephews, who fell to his death before Christmas. I don't know much more about my other nephews or my niece, and aim to change that if I can, as I am 10+ years younger than my sisters and may one day need to be some sort of 'rock' for these relations, now in their 20s and 30s, but rather like "strangers" to me. We're a happy family, really, yet in terms of what interests and hobbies, etc, for practically any of them, I'm definitely out on a limb.

whifflegarden · 06/05/2010 13:40

c. He's your brother - life's too short

NetworkGuy · 06/05/2010 13:45

Have just seen later post about your Mum, and still (despite general view) feel it would prove you are able to let it go past without matching either of their selfish / collaborative natures.

Sad your Mum would ever consider thinking you'd change date of wedding, but as whifflegarden points out, life's too short... we seem to be 'encouraged' to get stressed and nasty at times, and while seeing your viewpoint, it's not too massive a deal to spend a couple of hours there, I'd hope.

MPuppykin · 06/05/2010 13:46

B. Screw him. Life;s too short.

FakePlasticTrees · 06/05/2010 13:49

d) send him a text along the lines of: "hi, I hear from Mum you're in the country. If you want to pop over to see us, let me know when to expect you and I'll make sure we're in. Just to warn you, if it's the weekend my in-laws will be here too. No problem if you've already got plans, will see you next time I'm sure!"

Balls in his court. Let your mum know you've invited him over and are waiting to hear when he's coming.

BessieBoots · 06/05/2010 13:53

The wedding thing does sound ludicrous. But I do think that it's not a "self-allocated birthday period"- It's not his fault he was born at Christmas! And I reckon a beret is a fine gift (better than what I get from my bro).

I think he IBU but I agree with whoever said you should rise above and just go and see him- You are the better person for it.
Stab in the dark here but is he not coming to see you because he reckons you may be too busy with your DCs? I know that I've kept away from people until I was invited in case I was being a pain...

Original poster
MrsMiamla · 06/05/2010 13:53

networkguy thank you, I really appreciate your post. I hope you do act on what you've said about getting in touch with your nieces/nephews. I would love my brother to acknowledge that he's an uncle and to have a relationship with my DS. What would you want from your sister to help things move in the right direction?

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 06/05/2010 13:53

I am also very much in the camp of 'Life's too short' - but sometimes you have to question 'too short for what'... in this case, too short to waste it pandering to your very selfish, twatish brother - do what FakePlasticTrees suggested!

Wants compensation for lack of earnings my arse....

bellabelly · 06/05/2010 13:55

I'd have thought that seeing as he didn't go to your wedding, you now have a perfect excuse to go over to your mum's, armed with HUNDREDS of wedding pics and literally force him to look at each and every one. You look like the bigger person, he cant possibly complain about you not making an effort, your mum can look after your DS for a bit. What's not to like?

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 06/05/2010 13:55

My MIL has not spoken to or seen her sister for 35 years, and now my DH has not spoken to or seen his brother for 10 years.

They will probably meet at MILs funeral, but as she's only 73 it may be few years yet,and she won't be around to see them together.

Sadly MIL hasn't made a connection between her behaviour and theirs.

Do what you think best, but IME what goes around comes around.

Original poster
MrsMiamla · 06/05/2010 13:57

oh and someone asked about financial situation. He can afford to live comfortably but that doesn't stop my mum giving him cash as well.

bessieboots (great name btw!) hmm, possibly...

unfortunately texting isn't an option, i don't have his mobile number

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 06/05/2010 14:02

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