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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MN Jury decide - what should I do about bro?

125 replies

MrsMiamla · 06/05/2010 12:52

long story, started when he was born, apparently at the age of 3 I took one look at him and declared I didn't like him. The rest of our sibling relationship has followed the same lines with him not liking me much either.

His birthday is Christmas day and we always have to make a big deal over it. Not allowed to mention Christmas during his self-allocated birthday period etc. I made a really big effort this year, alot of thought and money went into both his Christmas and birthday presents. for Christmas he got me a beret

He lives abroad so didn't see him for my birthday this year (Jan), oh, but I did get a text message saying Happy Birthday. This is more than I usually get so I was quite surprised.

Fast forward a few months and I get married (April). He asked for compensation for loss of earnings if he was going to come to my wedding. Needless to say, I declined his request and he didn't come. Leading up to the wedding I phoned him a few times to try and reason with him but he kept insisting that we change the date, it wasn't convenient for him, flights too expensive, he'd lose earnings blah blah blah. I amazingly kept my cool with him. A week before the wedding I got another text asking if I'd changed the date yet!

Anyhow, my current dilemma is this. He's currently staying at my mum's for a few days. Mum has summoned me to hers to see him (no specific time mentioned). And I really can't be bothered. If he wants to see me I feel he should make the effort to at least phone me and tell me what his plans are. And at the very least, offer to visit me. I'm pg (24wks) with a toddler and not feeling very charitable so MN jury...you decide!

Do I

(a) put a sweet smile on my face, pack DS up into the car and drive over to see him (15mins drive in case that's relevant)

(b) Sod him! Do nothing and carry on with my normal routine.

(d) another suitable option that the MN jury come up with!

OP posts:

MPuppykin · 06/05/2010 15:05

There are sex threads on MN? [Note to self.... look at threads other than AIBU....]

Downdog · 06/05/2010 15:08

b - nuff said!

KissWithAFistula · 06/05/2010 15:10

Should combine the two...

Bleugh! Can't think of way to combine your AIBU with anything sexy, without making it sound incest-y

AnyFucker · 06/05/2010 15:12

thanks kiss

KissWithAFistula · 06/05/2010 15:17

Makes it sound like you love me AnyFucker, kiss

TheShriekingHarpy · 06/05/2010 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Mamalade · 06/05/2010 15:36

Phone him up and tell him you'd love to come and see him,but you'll need money for diesel,baby snacks etc on arrival.
Cheeky Bastard.
Maybe you could change your due date also to acommodate his next visit.Harrumph!

slug · 06/05/2010 15:45

(b) ion the grounds that anything else will just confirm to him his superior position in the family social order.

I have a sister much like this. Life has improved immesuarably since I stopped pandering to the demanding behaviour.

GettinTrimmer · 06/05/2010 15:59

"self-allocated birthday period" - how many days before christmas did his birthday period start?

at him asking for compensation for lost earnings. Assume he's taking other issues out on you from years ago.

I am undecided, but perhaps taking the moral high ground a) might be a good idea then there's nothing to be used against you. If you can stand doing that, of course.

pearlym · 06/05/2010 16:34

B - why should you be the one to make running, when yuo ahve toddler adn preg, if he wants to see you he can come, call him for a chat
prob your mum that wants you to see each other

iamamug · 06/05/2010 16:41

b definitely - can't believe you still want anything to do with him as he has clearly been spoilt rotten - thinks the world revolves around him etc etc - you choose your friends - unfortunately you're stuck with your family but there's no law that says you have to like them or have anything to do with them if they have a negative influence on your life...

oceryo · 06/05/2010 16:47

PlanetEarth · 06/05/2010 17:27

Financial compensation for coming to your wedding? I am speechless!

EdgarAllenPoll · 06/05/2010 17:39

i am not saying a) because the OPs bro isn't a twonk, more because...well, it doesn't sound like she has sufficient siblings to disregard them willy-nilly.

and because i worry i will have to broker peace between my kids when they are older, and hope they are amenable to it.

marriednotdead · 06/05/2010 17:52

I'm with mistlethrush; c then b.
Offer an olive branch but don't wait for it to be broken in front of you. It sounds as if he thinks the world should revolve around him and your mother has continued to enable that.

Rosieeo · 06/05/2010 17:54

B) definitely, sounds a total pita.

RiverOfSleep · 06/05/2010 18:00

A, he's your brother. It's not exactly hard to drive 15 mins preg and with a toddler. How would you feel if your DC didn't get on in future years?

NetworkGuy · 06/05/2010 18:17

"What would you want from your sister to help things move in the right direction?"

Not what I want, especially, rather that she would like me to find 20K (long story) and while she and her DH have a nice house, and one abroad, and keep pestering inviting me to visit, I've little inclination really (as I have a pet, and her DH is allergic to cats not that I'd particularly want to take mine for several hours on different trains anyway).

Last time I went there, I couldn't wait to get away... Was on a train before 08:00 to get back to my own place - over 15 years ago, when I had no cat. Have seen them between times, at funerals etc, but not been to visit (and can think of hardly anything we have in common - apart from eating and sleeping - we have an age difference of only ~10 years but 'tis like we're from different planets)

She will get that sum in due course, once I've got over bankruptcy fully and can afford that for her (the other two sisters could also do with the money, and will also get identical sums, but they're both bending over backwards to assist / encourage / accept, not badger, IYKWIM, and of my elder sisters, one will get a further 5K, the other 10K, without any one of them knowing the amounts aren't identical).

NetworkGuy · 06/05/2010 18:20

[ and in case anyone thinks me a hypocrite for suggesting 'a' but myself having no inclination to see one of my sisters, it's only really during my financially distressed state, not a 'forever unlikely to see her' situation ]

thesecondcoming · 06/05/2010 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imaginewittynamehere · 06/05/2010 18:31

a. Be the better person

Original poster

MrsMiamla · 06/05/2010 19:13

well, I gave up waiting for his call back and decided to pop round there anyway. I knew mum was in and she loves seeing DS so even if bro had gone out, it wasn't a wasted trip. Turns out bro's gf is here as well and she's lovely, they were both in all afternoon so could quite easily have popped round to mine

I completely accept that I am perfectly able and capable to drive over there being pg, the issue was that its alot easier to entertain DS in his own home.

Anyhow, i decided to pop round because if he'd come here it would have just been awkward but with mum at hers too, she diffused any silences

As it was, he played in garden with DS. I had a lovely chat with gf. She asked about wedding, honeymoon and to see photos etc. No mention of it at all from bro and I didn't push it on him.

to clear up a few points:

He's not self-employed or anything but he would have had to take an unpaid day off work to come to wedding. This is what he wanted the compensation for and, of course, money for the flights to UK

I do have other siblings and get on really well with them. Half get on with bro, half don't. but the half that don't are of the belief that life is too short so just go along with things

I obviously hope that my DC do get on but, if they don't, I certainly won't make one of them always feel that they're in the wrong.

but marriednotdead of course the world revolves round him. I'm amazed you didn't already know this!

As for when DC2 is due, it isn't of any concern to him. He really doesn't care. He hasn't ever shown an interest in DS, no cards/presents and certainly no congratulations or anything to us when he was born. In fact, he had the option of when he was going on a 6mth trip a couple of years ago. He chose to leave a week before DS was due. It would have been very easy for him to have delayed it for as long as he wanted. I'm just very pleased that he isn't DS's only uncle

Someone mentioned issues from years ago... yes, this is true. He has always been favourite out of all of us. Nothing has ever been equal but I have come to terms with it now. For example, he had a £9K present for Christmas from our father. I had a bottle of cheap perfume (I don't ever wear perfume but I was noble about it and accepted that its the thought that counts)

So, I've done my bit and at least now I don't need to see him again until he deigns to visit my mum again.

OP posts:

EdgarAllenPoll · 06/05/2010 20:06

he wouldn't happen to be the first born son would he?

please say no...

Original poster

MrsMiamla · 06/05/2010 20:19

sorry Edgar, but you've got it in one! I'm apparently the pfb

OP posts:

JodieO · 06/05/2010 20:25

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