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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let dd's friend's mum know her daughter is having sex at 13?

68 replies

InterferingBusybody · 05/05/2010 16:24

It could be 14, in fairness (they are in Year Nine).

I was chatting with my dd(13) last night- we have a good relationship, I think, and although she has a boyfriend they don't see much of each other outside school and it's mainly going to the cinema etc. As far as I can tell anyway- I try to be aware where she is and with whom. I am also trying to keep the channels of communication open, and we do chat about general issues, peer pressure, plans for the future etc etc.

She told me that a friend of her's (not a close one) mentioned to her recently that she was worried she was pregnant. Apparently her mum doesn't even know she has a boyfriend. When my dd asked her what she would do if she was, she said that she'd leave them a note and run away. Thankfully, she is not pregnant.

They live in the next street and I know the mum to say hi to. I kind of feel like she should be kept in the loop here, but would my own daughter never confide in me again if I go tittle-tattling to the other girl's mother? Is it none of my business? Or do I have a duty to pass on my concerns?

I am genuinely not sure what, if anything, to do with this information. Can you give me some advice?

My namechange should ideally have a question mark at the end of it!

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 05/05/2010 16:26

i had exactly this with dd same age as yours....her friend had asked her to ask me to obtain a preg test kit for her!!

advice on my thread was to involve school nurse ...

colditz · 05/05/2010 16:29

ohhhh this is so hard.

As a parent I would want to know.

As a woman who used to be a 14 year old girl, I know that my 'respectable middle class' father would have beaten me to within an inch of my life if he had found out I had been having sex at 14 (which I was, with no ill effects)

So I have to say that I don't know.

Original poster

InterferingBusybody · 05/05/2010 16:29

There is something I hadn't thought of...most schools don't have one on site, though, do they?

If I were to call the school, who would I ask for?

OP posts:

LoveMyBigTV · 05/05/2010 16:30

Hmmm tough one. I wouldnt know what to do in this situ. Can you have a word with school nurse? i dunno, sorry i wasnt much help

Tiredmumno1 · 05/05/2010 16:32

could you maybe have words but ask other mum to keep quiet about where the info came from.

tbh if it was me i would want to know

ABatInBunkFive · 05/05/2010 16:34

You don't know that is is though do you?

You said she's not a close friend of your DD, maybe the girl said it for a reaction/attention whatever.

I don't think it is any of your business tbh.

ABatInBunkFive · 05/05/2010 16:35

know that this is true*

StepSideways · 05/05/2010 16:35

is it possible your DD is using the 'friend' thing as a cover, to gauge your reaction?

PollDancer · 05/05/2010 16:36

It is tricky but I think you should not tell the other mum. Perhaps ask your daughter to pass on a message to the other girl that if she needs someone to talk to about it she can come to you? And suggest she goes to the doctor to get some contraception sorted out.

I am imagining being in the position of the other girl and the utter horror of my parents being told..

Also your dd could be in a very awkward situation at school if this girl knew how her parents had found out.

I think being calm and keeping it quiet is probably for the best and hopefully will let your dd see that she could come to you with any problems in the future.

thesecondcoming · 05/05/2010 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 05/05/2010 16:37

Keep well out of it. No good can come from meddling.

And at 13/14 it's perfectly possible to be made up.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 05/05/2010 16:39

Gosh that's rough thesecondcoming. Classic example of the messenger getting shot.

BabyGiraffes · 05/05/2010 16:41

I'd be careful because it could just be bragging. On the other hand if it's true, isn't it illegal? My girls are very young but the thought of this happening one day sends shivers down my spine. I don't think you should approach her mother directly but somehow involve a third party.. How I have no idea

DumpyOldWoman · 05/05/2010 16:41

No.
Stay completely out of it.
The girl is not a close friend of your dd. There is no way it will stay 'confidential' if you ask the other mother to not tell who told - why should your dd's / your confidentiality be protected if the girls isn't?
The girl may have a Dad like Colditz's. 14 y o girls may well have ways of looking after themselves, and hopefully this scare will have knocked some sense into her. But you know, what ever you think, she may be better off confiding in well-informed friends than beaten to a pulp and thrown out on the streets. Many homeless and troubled girls who have left home have left in these circumstances. You don't know this family. It would perhaps be differnt if your dd and she were close, and you were close to the other Mum.

Your dd will never tell you anything again.

Tell your dd all the channels through which the girl could seek help - Brook, school nurse, etc. Use it as an oportunity to talk more with your own dd, But leave well alone. it really isn't your business.

Original poster

InterferingBusybody · 05/05/2010 16:42

I guess it could be made up. I know the girl concerned (she was at primary school with my dd), and I don't think my dd is referring to herself.

I am leaning in favour of keeping out of it.

But...oh god, it's hard to know, isn't it?

I see what you are saying about trying to get my dd to tell her to get contraception sorted, but it's a lot for a 13/14 year old to organise, and they shouldn't really be having sex in the first place. Is this a child protection issue? I suppose I need to discreetly enquire from dd how old the boy is.

OP posts:

Tiredmumno1 · 05/05/2010 16:44

Do you have any reason to doubt your daughter op?

Original poster

InterferingBusybody · 05/05/2010 16:46

No, I don't doubt my daughter. But it's possible that her schoolfriend is making it up, I suppose.

OP posts:

RedRedWine1980 · 05/05/2010 16:47

You want to tell someone you 'know to say hello to' that your daughter who is not a close friend to this girl knows her daughter is having sex? I think you will make yourself look raving to be honest!

isoldeone · 05/05/2010 16:53

Ring the school.
Tell the Head of Year.
" Simply my daughter is friends with x, it seems she is saying to her she is active sexually becuase she said she had a pregnancy scare. I don't wish to be an interfering busybody . I have no idea if is true. I am not at comfortable approaching the parent and realise this could be a sensitive issue so felt better in informing you.

They will be able to deal with this and have dealt with this issue before even as young as year 7/8. It is a child protection issue.

Parent won't necessairly be told whether true or not btw. Depends what the CHILD discloses.

Noone will come back to you and tell you eitherand then I would leave it at that.

True or not your daughter will not be the only one who will be aware of this in the year group. Year 9 love to gossip- this causes as many problems

Original poster

InterferingBusybody · 05/05/2010 16:54

I suspect you are right about that, RRW- I wouldn't relish the prospect, tbh. The question I suppose is whether to try to find a way of getting in touch with the school nurse or similar.

They are a 'nice' family, if it makes any difference- ie they would be very surprised, I think, and underage pregnancy is not a big issue at their particular school. I can't think of a way of phrasing this without sounding horribly snobby. What I mean is, it's not like I'd expect them to shrug it off as "what kids do" and resign themselves to it.

Does that make any difference? Probably not. I suppose I am saying that I think her family would want to know, as they would see it as a problem.

OP posts:

IveStillGotIt · 05/05/2010 16:55

I think you should keep your nose out! It's none of your business.
You could get your dd into bother at school amongst her peers for being a 'snitch'.
Also i popped my cherry at 14, and im still here! It didn't do me any harm or distroy my life in any way. And i would have been really pissed off if the local busy body went snitching to my mum about what me and my bf at the time were getting up to!
Most young folk nowadays 'do it' when there about 14/15, and those that dont, pretend that they do, to make themselfs look 'cool', this girl could have been lying for all you know? I pretended that i had a 22yo bf when i was 15, and it got back to my mother, and no-one believed me when i admitted i made it up, and i was permanently grounded cause of the cow that went snitching about something that wasn't even true!!!

Original poster

InterferingBusybody · 05/05/2010 16:55

Isoldeone- that sounds like sensible advice, thankyou.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 05/05/2010 17:03

Totally agree with I'vestillgotit and dumpy woman. Stay out of it, it's none of your business.

The fact that this girl's mother 'would want to know' is completely irrelevant. You're talking about compromising the privacy of a young woman - which is what she is if she's having sex. What her mother wants to know has nothing to do with ouy.

I had sex at 15, it was great. I thought I was pregnant every month for over a year, as did all my friends, but we weren't and we're all still here.

Girls that age think they're pregnant if a boy scratches his balls then shakes hands with them. It's the classic girly drama attention seeker isn't it - 'Oh my god! I just know it! I'm pregnant!' etc etc. Cue crowd of excited girls all making a fuss.

If she actually is pregnant then her folks will find out soon enough.

DumpyOldWoman · 05/05/2010 17:03

I was the dd of a caring, professional family, at a nice Grammar School, with a very very low rate of teenage pregnancy.

I was sexually active at 14. It was OK. I would have been beside myself if someone not close to me had decided to tell my Mum and the school. And my Mum would have been mortified to have been contacted by the school. If this girl needs help from her Mum, she will talk to her.

DumpyOldWoman · 05/05/2010 17:06

I do agree with the Drama Queen likelihood of it all.

She isn't pregnant, you have heard this, in confidence, second hand. It isn't your responsibility. And your dd will suffer, and your relationship will suffer.

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