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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let dd's friend's mum know her daughter is having sex at 13?

68 replies

InterferingBusybody · 05/05/2010 16:24

It could be 14, in fairness (they are in Year Nine).

I was chatting with my dd(13) last night- we have a good relationship, I think, and although she has a boyfriend they don't see much of each other outside school and it's mainly going to the cinema etc. As far as I can tell anyway- I try to be aware where she is and with whom. I am also trying to keep the channels of communication open, and we do chat about general issues, peer pressure, plans for the future etc etc.

She told me that a friend of her's (not a close one) mentioned to her recently that she was worried she was pregnant. Apparently her mum doesn't even know she has a boyfriend. When my dd asked her what she would do if she was, she said that she'd leave them a note and run away. Thankfully, she is not pregnant.

They live in the next street and I know the mum to say hi to. I kind of feel like she should be kept in the loop here, but would my own daughter never confide in me again if I go tittle-tattling to the other girl's mother? Is it none of my business? Or do I have a duty to pass on my concerns?

I am genuinely not sure what, if anything, to do with this information. Can you give me some advice?

My namechange should ideally have a question mark at the end of it!

OP posts:
minipie · 05/05/2010 17:06

If your daughter's friend were actually pregnant, that would be one thing. In those circumstances someone would need to be there for her - maybe you, maybe your daughter, maybe her own mother, depends on the circumstances.

But she's not pregnant. And she's probably had a bloody big scare already. So I'm not sure it will help any if her parents know she is having sex. If she's already having sex, and if a pregnancy scare hasn't stopped her, she's unlikely to stop just because her parents tell her off.

Best to encourage your daughter to speak to her friend about contraception/STIs.

Tiredmumno1 · 05/05/2010 17:08

I agree with isold

Gleeb · 05/05/2010 17:13

I agree that this is a child protection issue and you should tell the school for them to investigate further.

Original poster
InterferingBusybody · 05/05/2010 17:19

Right, I've spoken on the phone just now confidentially to a friend of mine who is on ML as a teacher from the school. She knows the girl I mean, and confirmed what I had suspected, which is that she has some learning difficulties and is definitely a vulnerable 13/14 rather than a savvy mature-for-her-years one. Her advice was to speak to the deputy head of year who is a woman and let her deal with it. It is quite possible she is being manipulated, or making it up to impress other girls, but she thinks that this is a child protection issue rather than a respecting-an-autonomous-young-person's issue in this case.

I won't tell my daughter if I call the Deputy Head Of Year tomorrow, and will keep her name out of it.

OP posts:
senua · 05/05/2010 17:27

Well done, IBB, it was the correct thing to do. Shame on those who recommended walking by on the other side.

BitOfFun · 05/05/2010 17:31

I think that there is quite a big difference between a girl with some special needs who is 13 going on 14, and a confident fifteen year old sleeping with their boyfriend. FWIW.

colditz · 05/05/2010 17:39

there's a big difference between a 13 year old with learning difficulties being coerced into rolling over for her manipulative 'boyfriend' and the way I was at 14 - I was on the pill, at my own instigation, before I had (condom protected!) first time sex!

JustAnotherManicMummy · 05/05/2010 17:41

Agree with BOF and would add that it's quite a different senario between the original post and the OP's last post

Mowgli1970 · 05/05/2010 17:41

If the school find out an underage child is having sex, they are legally obliged to tell Social Services. Difficult one, but I think you're doing the right thing in telling the school.

StrictlyKatty · 05/05/2010 17:49

I personally wouldn't risk the relationship with my DD. I would tell the school but not the parents directly. It's really important your DD would still continue to trust you , you'd want her to be able to tell you if she ever had a scare like that wouldn't you?

Original poster
InterferingBusybody · 05/05/2010 17:50

JAMM, yes, I'm sorry if it all sounds a bit AIBU-By-Stealth. I'm not trying to mislead anyone.

The girl isn't in my dd's immediate friendship group, although they got along nicely at primary school, because she is in the lower sets, and my dd isn't. They do different subjects. I wanted to find a way of saying that she has always seemed a bit 'nice but dim' to me from what I remember, but it sounded incredibly snobby after what I said about her family, iyswim?

OP posts:
Original poster
InterferingBusybody · 05/05/2010 17:53

And I take your point too, StrictlyKatty. I won't talk to the parents directly.

This thread has clarified my thinking a lot, actually. I don't feel that her mum has 'a right to know', but that the girl has a right to be taken care of, which hopefully will happen in some shape or form if I speak to this Deputy Head Of Year, who is apparently well genned-up on issues of Child Protection. As Isoldeone said, the parents won't necessarily be informed.

OP posts:
isoldeone · 05/05/2010 17:56

careful with the context mowgli?

if thats the case I'd better report the average year 10 pse class doing sex ed who at times forget the rules not to be anecdotal or the year 11's girls who loudly discuss within earshot what they got up to at the weekend. even though strictly speaking they are children

some things are ahhem ignored. year 9 - ks3 not. they are tiddlers phhysically and emotionally so are the year 11's but that's another discussion. . shocked to at some posters who think it ok

good call ibb

shimmerygoldglitter · 05/05/2010 17:58

My Mother would have kicked the living crap out of me if she had found this out from any source.

Ensure that this is unlikely to happen before you get involved. Personally I wouldn't. Really don't think it is any of your business.

PommePoire · 05/05/2010 17:58

It wouldn't have occurred to me to think OP has been guilty of BU by stealth regarding the character of this young girl. It's obvious from reading the thread that she barely knows the child and only by speaking to this friend/teacher from the school who is on ML she has found out more about her.

OP You did the right thing and the advice on this thread to make sure that someone is looking out for this girl is sound. You're right it's less to do with the 'should you tell' the mother and more to do with making sure the girl has support and access to appropriate healthcare services.

isoldeone · 05/05/2010 18:05

hence shimmeryglitter a further reason why parents aren't necessarily told.

DumpyOldWoman · 05/05/2010 18:06

"She knows the girl I mean, and confirmed what I had suspected, which is that she has some learning difficulties and is definitely a vulnerable 13/14 "

Rather an important factor.

I hope it all turns out OK.

And I am someone who has reported a child protection issue to a school.

foureleven · 05/05/2010 18:10

If she is a vunerable person i.e. special needs/ learning difficulties etc then you should say something to the school and let them decide what to do.

If not then stay well out of it, families operate in strange ways, it could be that her mum knows. It could be that if her mum found out they might beat her severly. I wouldnt want that on my conscience. It could be made up.

Its not your business to be honest. Plus it could land your daughter in the shit for telling you.

Manda25 · 05/05/2010 18:51

Get some leaflets - give them to your daughter and encourage her to give them to her friend. Don't tell the school or her mum - unless you believe this girl is having sex with an adult.

Original poster
InterferingBusybody · 06/05/2010 15:23

UPDATE

I have just got off the phone to the Head Of Year (a bloke, who still sounded sympathetic though) and had a nice non-hysterical conversation with him. I said that I wasn't sure how true it was and whether it was a child protection issue or not, but wondered if there was perhaps a learning mentor or trusted adult at the school who could look into it and possibly speak with the girl, and he agreed that that was a good way forward and said that I had done the right thing in speaking to them, and that "there are certain things we can do, and certain things we can't", which I took to mean that they would safeguard her confidentiality as much as possible.

So thankyou all for your advice and opinions which helped me take what I think was some reasonable action. I feel much better, and that at least somebody will be looking out for the girl.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 06/05/2010 15:34

Well, that's good- it doesn't sound like they'll go in all guns blazing, but hopefully now you've flagged the issue up they will kick in with a bit of pastoral care.

KermitTheFrog · 06/05/2010 18:32

Sounds for the best.

kitkatsforbreakfast · 06/05/2010 20:05

Well done ibb.

Although some posters have felt you were unreasonably interfering, I wish someone had had a word with me as a teenager. I didn't get pregnant, but lost a lot of self respect on the way by having sex too young.

foreverastudent · 07/05/2010 18:15

Give your DD some condoms to give to her and leave it at that.

piprabbit · 07/05/2010 18:24

If my 13/14 year old daughter was having sex, I would really want to know. But if someone knew and felt unable to tell me, I would rather that someone responsible stepped forward to look after her than just leave her to struggle on her own.

Well done OP - good call.

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