Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to not want ds to receive a large lump son when he hits 25 and not dd

67 replies

Chloe55 · 04/05/2010 10:58

I am actually asking on behalf of a friend who is going through the rounds of arguments with her dp. She has an 7yr old dd (not her dp's although she calls him daddy etc)and they have recently had a ds. Dp's parents want to set up a bank account for her ds which he can access at 25 - it will be a substantial amount of money.

Friend wants to say thanks but no thanks as she doesn't think it is fair that one of her children recieves this money and his sister gets nothing. She is not saying she wants her dd to be given money but wants dp's parents to be a little more sensitive to her feelings as she will eventually find out.

Her dp has gone up the wall and won't consider letting his ds miss out because her dd's dad and his family want nothing to do with her . He loves his step daughter and treats her as his own but obviously his parents don't really feel that way at the moment which is fine and understandable. I see where he is coming from and I also see where friend is coming from.

Just wondered what others thought about the situation?

OP posts:

Original poster

Chloe55 · 04/05/2010 10:59

LOL, should have pre read that title - I obviously mean lump sum of money - not lump SON!

OP posts:

annh · 04/05/2010 11:03

Does your friend actually think that her dp's parents should be contributing a similar amount of money for her dd? I think that is unreasonable. She cannot dictate to them what they do with their money.

PictureThis · 04/05/2010 11:03

I can see the GPs point of view however, if your friend's DH treats his DSD as his own and he is her 'Daddy' then things should be equal between the children.

OtterInaSkoda · 04/05/2010 11:05

It would be nice if the GPs could set up a similar arrangement for your friend's dd but I guess (not unreasonably) that they would argue that this is for her "real" GPs to organise.

I would suggest that your friend and her dp set up something themselves for the dd so that she receives a lump sum at 25 (or for whenever she needs it).

azazello · 04/05/2010 11:07

She isn't unreasonable wanting the children to be treatd in the same way, although obviously can't expect the gps to provide this. Could she and her DPput money into a savings pot for DD alone?

RunawayWife · 04/05/2010 11:08

I am sorry but I think your friend is being totally unreasonable, her DS grandparents want to set him up with some money for a good start in life and it is selfish or her to not want him to have that as the grandparents of her DD can not do the same.
TBH is is little to do with her if her son gets the money at 25 he will be an adult and she will have no say in the matter

ajandjjmum · 04/05/2010 11:08

Actually we have a similar position in my family. It has always been understood that the step grand-daughter would receive money from her father's family, and the other children would from their blood grandparents.

Original poster

Chloe55 · 04/05/2010 11:09

No, she def doesn't expect them to contribute anything to her dd but she does want both her children to grow up with equal opportunities so she would rather neither received a gift. She is also feeling guilty about pushing the point though as she doesn't want ds to miss out but she just can't get her head round what's fair.

She doesn't live in the nicest of areas to be honest and her dd goes to a pretty poor school and her behaviour is slipping. Her dp's parents will also be paying for her ds to go to private school from junior school age which she is grateful about but again feels like her dd is really gonna start resenting her for not being able to give her that opportunity I just don't know how to reassure her really

OP posts:

Grandhighpoohba · 04/05/2010 11:11

I'm in a similar position, in that my DS will get a lump sum from his grandparents when he is older, but my (much older)DSSs will not. The way I see it is my DSSs have grandparents of their own, who do not have a relationship with DS, and it is ouside my control whether they are setting money aside or not. If they were, that would not influence how DS were treated. Their desicion has nothing to do with me, and should not change how DS is treated by his GPs. I have made it clear that any inheritance I leave will be equally split between the DSs and DS, as that is my choice to treat them equally, as they all have a relationship with me. Hope that makes sense!.

Tiredmumno1 · 04/05/2010 11:14

Can the gp put an agreed amount in to an account for the ds, and your friend and dp set up another account for dd and put the same amount away, that way everyone is happy

Skegness · 04/05/2010 11:17

Really difficult one. I feel for your friend as I would hate only one of my children to have a massive advantage like this. However, on a purely practical level I think there's little she can do to stop it from happening, tbh, and it's also understandable that her son's grandparents want to save for him. I think I'd start saving anything I could for my daughter in her situation.

PictureThis · 04/05/2010 11:17

Wow, watch the cracks appear in that family. I would not allow my in laws to divide the children in that fashion. I'm afraid if it were me it would be a big thanks but no thanks.
You've already said that the little girls biological father and his family want nothing to do with her. By allowing the GP's to pay for private schooling and lump sum at 25 this little girl is going to end up feeling like an outsider in her own family.

mummytime · 04/05/2010 11:18

Sorry but I wonder at the age 25 thing. Maybe I ABU but with tuition fees I want my kids to get their hands on money at 18/19 or 21/22 so they can pay off these loans before adult hood. By 25 I would hope they were in a good job and starting to look after themselves.

If it was me, I would squirrel away money for DD and ignore DS as he already has been provided for.

I was unhappy when my FIL gae money specifically for any "natural" children, which included any we might adopt. However him and my DP do have a thing about "blood" relatives, which personally I don't share.

We don't have any adopted children, and aren't planning on any so its all irrelevant to us really. But I do find the attitude odd.

RunawayWife · 04/05/2010 11:21

It is a shame for her DD but there is nothing she can do about it, it is very selfish to the point of cruel for her to try and stop her son having a good start in life, I hope her DP puts his foot down and makes sure his son is not stopped from having help with a start in life.

Her DD may call her DP daddy and in the day to day he is but in another sence he is not and his parents can not be expected to pay out for a "grandchild" that is not theirs.

I would never expect DPs parents to shell out for my children as they are not his and they have me their dad and their own grandparents (must say DPs family are lovely to my children and very welcoming to them)
As a side point though I will not be having any children with my DP so I will not be in that situation

SloanyPony · 04/05/2010 11:26

Ooh tricky. Your friend INBU to not want this kind of inequality. It depends a bit on just how much money we are talking about too.

The answer lies not with her but in her partner presenting a united front about it and saying that it is inappropriate under the circumstances, but if he doesn't feel that way then its not going to happen.

Its actually not very nice of the Grandparents to create this issue. If I were them, rather than make it a formal arrangement, I'd wait until the grandson was 25 and then try and do it some other way, perhaps pay off his student loan and tell him to be discrete. If I didn't live that long I'd make sure he'd inherit it instead. In which case things will go off on a different course anyway.

Tiredmumno1 · 04/05/2010 11:26

And if she cant afford to save for dd. then i agree with picturethis a big thanks but no thanks. i was never given a lump sum of money when i hit adulthood, and i survived without.

i also think if she allows him to go to private school that it will cause problems in years to come. they are her kids and should be treated equally, its not the dd's fault her dad does not want to know. she certainly shouldnt be punished in this way because of it. its just wrong

RunawayWife · 04/05/2010 11:28

But it is not her sons fault his half sister does not have the opportunity he is being given, why make him suffer for it?

Skegness · 04/05/2010 11:29

Oh- didn't see the private school bit. No, I wouldn't have that. Agree with picturethis on that point. All else being equal, siblings should go to the same school, especially at primary, in my view. And the type of school the children attend is the parents' decision. Equality between siblings issues are an important consideration. If private schools are on the agenda neither or both children should attend. Quite different from the grandparents saving issue.

RunawayWife · 04/05/2010 11:30

If the grandparents want to open an account and the boys father says it is ok (I think even if he says nothing) they can, and if they want to give him money at 25 (or leave it in a will) they can, I am sorry but I don't think there is anything your friend can do about it.

porcamiseria · 04/05/2010 11:33

I can see the GP POV, she is not their grandaughter. Its a shame but this is the way it goes with mixed families. Friend needs to but out, and start a savings plan for her DD to try and compensate

its a shame though , hope it does not cuase a rift, probably will tho....

Ewe · 04/05/2010 11:34

When the DS is 25, the DD will be 32. More than old enough to understand the complexities of the situation.

The Grandparents have every right to set up a trust fund for him, the Mother should try and save some money for her DD if possible/if she feels it is necessary.

The private school issue is quite tricky, I wouldn't feel comfortable with this as I do think it will be divisive whilst they are children. My younger brother went to private school (he is 12 yrs younger than me and 6 yrs younger than my sister) and it was only because my parents financial situation changed dramatically but my sister does feel quite bitter about it.

Could they not give the money to the parents to enable them to move to a better area with better schools for both?

Tiredmumno1 · 04/05/2010 11:35

Then why make her suffer?

how the hell would you explain it to her. if it was me i would be pretty upset and feel like no one gives a damn

porcamiseria · 04/05/2010 11:36

just re-read, they want to pay for private school too? God they are not being very sensitive are they. I'd def put my foot down on that one. I really agree wity whoever said that they should discreetly hyand it to him when hes older, no song and dance. Ugh....money, source of all evil!

AMumInScotland · 04/05/2010 11:38

Lump sum - it's up to the GPs what they do with their money, if they want to give it when DS is an adult. But I would not want a lot of discussion about it in front of the children, as it is divisive.

Paying for private schooling is different - the GPs views should not affect how the two children are raised. The parents have to decide what is best for the family as a whole, and creating divisions between siblings is not the best way to have a happy supportive family life. The GPs could offer to help buy a house in a better catchment, if they want to help their GS in a less direct way.

Original poster

Chloe55 · 04/05/2010 11:40

If my friend would save for her dd then she def would/will - she has already discussed this with me but she is living on the breadline, her dp is out of work and she is self-employed (she has actually had to go back to work with her ds only being 6 weeks old . I have suggested that when she can afford she should move area, that way it is not necessary for her ds to go to private school (as it stands I would def take her dps parents up on the schooling as the school in her area really is awful).

It would seem your comments are very divided, I am going to let her read this I think so she can get a gist of other points of view.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3