to not want ds to receive a large lump son when he hits 25 and not dd

[Chloe55]

I am actually asking on behalf of a friend who is going through the rounds of arguments with her dp. She has an 7yr old dd (not her dp's although she calls him daddy etc)and they have recently had a ds. Dp's parents want to set up a bank account for her ds which he can access at 25 - it will be a substantial amount of money.

Friend wants to say thanks but no thanks as she doesn't think it is fair that one of her children recieves this money and his sister gets nothing. She is not saying she wants her dd to be given money but wants dp's parents to be a little more sensitive to her feelings as she will eventually find out.

Her dp has gone up the wall and won't consider letting his ds miss out because her dd's dad and his family want nothing to do with her . He loves his step daughter and treats her as his own but obviously his parents don't really feel that way at the moment which is fine and understandable. I see where he is coming from and I also see where friend is coming from.

Just wondered what others thought about the situation?

I would say that if they want to put money aside that is one thing, but the private schooling for one and not the other would be a no for me.

You don't need money for a good start in life - he is already assured a good education.

The only thing that drove me on in my early career was a need to earn money to pay my rent and live. I have a friend who inherited a small sum every year, he was always off traveling and has admitted to me he feels never having to worry about money made him too relaxed about getting on with his career. He has only just got a career underway.

Uni tuition fees are a bit different though, I'm way too old to have had to pay those.

I would not take the money, the grandparents should respect the bond between DP and the child who calls him daddy. (I would have allowed the school fees though).

I def agree with the helping them out to move to a better area comment. Makes much more logical and financial sense.

Does the dd not have a child trust fund?

She can do nothing about what the GPs choose to do in the privacy of thier own bank accounts, and you can see how they may well demur over saving for a SGD when anything could happen after their death - if your friend and DH split, their money would go to someone who was no longer part of the family at all. She cannot possibly control what they put in their will.

However, allowing them to cause division and discord over schooing is another matter, she can control what school her children go to and her DH should be in partnership with her, not his parents, on this matter. Her DH should have had a think about what it means to take on a SD, a 'child of the family', when he got together with her, and should honour is step fatherhood of her dd.

Beyond that, she should bring up both her children to understand that love, care and family are more important than money, that complicated families bring complicated arrangements, and none of it means that the children themselves are loved any less or more.

And put together a stash find for her when they can. A lot can happen over the next 20 years or so: they could ensure her security in their own will if they so felt.

Yes, she is being unreasonable.

The GPs money provides security for the son and the ability to pay off university debt if necessary, meaning that you both can concentrate on paying for the daughter's university fees and leaving something for the daughter. That way both children are provided for.

Sounds like good news all round to me.

No way would I allow one of my children to be sent to private school by his GPs while the other had to stay at a (not so good by your description) state school. No WAY. I cannot begin to imagine how that would make the DD feel. I would ask the GPs to contribute in a more equal way, or alternatively refuse the offer.

The lump sum at 25 is a little different as both children will be adults by then. it's still unfair, but you can't dictate to the GPs how to give their money. But as others have mentioned, I would ensure that I saved up for DD (as far as I could) so I had something to give her at 25.

If this helps your friend at all, I went to state school, brother went to private, not an issue and I never resented it. He was v.clever, passed the exams, I didn't. Tough. Even though I ended up with the better O's and A's and went to uni and he went straight into the workplace at 18 and skipped uni. Equally my own DS is at state school, we sent DD to private, and actually DS is really pleased at our choice. He is clever, it's a good school, and he's flourished. It's horses for courses, and don't let anyone say that private/state drives a wedge between children, because handled properly,it doesn't.

The 7 year gap means when your friend's DS is 11, DD will be 18, so if private schooling were delayed until secondary age, it would not be an issue.

Re: lump sum at 25 - DD would be 32. Both adults. Both able to cope with the fact that life isn't always "fair".

I would say thank you very much to the grandparents and take any help they can offer. Then I would save whatever I can for dd safe in the knowledge that ds is taken care of.

Denying one child because the other cannot benefit seems mad to me. So I would be with your friends dp on this one.

I might have a different viewpoint here, as neither of my children are biologically related to my DH - he has serious infertility issues so we used a donor.

To me, the biggest issue here would be the DP's relationship with the DD. She calls him "Daddy", he's the only father that she knows, so as far as she is concerned the matter is cut and dried. But what about him? There is no way that my DH would put up with our children being treated as second class citizens. Even if by some billion to one freak accident I became pregnant with a child that was genetically his, he wouldn't be any less the father of our donor children. He loves them and he is fiercely protective of them. If his parents treated them any differently to their biological grandchildren he would hit the roof.

Why isn't the DP outraged on his SDD's behalf?

"Could they not give the money to the parents to enable them to move to a better area with better schools for both?"

That was my initial thought. Live in the right catchment area and a state education can be as good or better than a private one.

But I get where you're coming from. DD's half-siblings were all privately educated and it's unlikely that DD will be...

I have a dd from a previous relationship and I am very lucky that dh's parents have taken her on as their own. His grandmother opened savings accounts for both her and our biological dd we have together.

However, unlike the OP's friend, dd1 does still have contact with her bio dad and his family, so at Christmas, birthdays and Easter she receives almost double the amount of presents that dd2 does, as dh's family buy equally for them both.

It's very, very hard when 2 families merge. If I were the OP I would want to be able to send my ds to the private school if that opportunity was on offer, but I would feel rotten for dd. As for the lump sum, well, I feel there is little she can say as the gps are entitled to save for whatever/whomever they so wish.

It is a tricky situation, but I don't see a problem with what the grandparents are doing. The problem is that the DP wants to accept the money and your friend doesnt.

I can totally see the DP's POV. Why should he turn away future money for his son? Surely this is no different than older relatives leaving inheritances to their favourite relative. A number of family/ friends have received inheritances when their siblings have not. Interestingly enough, some have split the money equally amongst all their siblings, some havent - preferring to keep the money for themselves.

At 25 and 32, they will be old enough to understand why these decisions have been made and it will be your DD's choice whether she is hung up on it. Or even your DS choice as to whether he shares some of this money with your DD.

I think your friend needs to step back and accept the dynamics of the situation.

I have two sons by my first P and one son by my DH. I save monthly for the first two (they receive nothing from their father!!), but I am not saving for DS3 as his father will do that. On our deaths however, I am quite clear that our assets will be split 3 ways equally, sentimental items aside - eg my husband's collection will go to DS3. Hope this helps. Your friend should save as much as possible for DD to give her a chance later.

I do think the grandparents will do what they want anyway, so what is the point of causing angst - just address the problem differently.

My step-grandparents gave me a lump sump on my 18th birthday in common with all their other (blood) grandchildren. It hadn't occurred to me until now really, how generous that was of them .

I think her DP should climb down off of his wall and see it from his 'Daughters' point of view - either he is prepared to be her 'Daddy' or he isn't. If he isn't he needs to say so now! If he is, he needs to speak to his parents, tell them that as far as he is concerned she is just as much his child as DS is and they need to accept this.

Although he can't dictate what they do financially, he can dictate how the children are treat, on a day to day basis, by his parents. He can do this nicely, no need for a scene or an arguement - but just make sure they understand how he feels.

If he isn't prepared to do this, then he doesn't deserve to be called Daddy by your friends DD.

Actually, I think that if your dd calls her stepdad 'dad', and he views her as his daughter, then it's a bit unfair of him to get so narky about this.

Obviously no-one can dictate what the gps do with their money, but it sounds horribly unfair to me.

FWIW, my ds1 is not my DH's biological son, but DH views hims as such and he is included in ALL financial considerations, the only excpetion being that ds2 (his biological son) has one specific gift in his will. DH's parents also view ds1 as their own, and will never buy ds2 anything without getting ds1 something too. I think, in their eyes, it's not dissimilar to an adoption, particularly as ds1's biological paternal family have little to do with him and will certainly never leave him anything in a will.

As regards the education- well, as the only one in my family of 6 to have been given a private education, I can tell you that resentments HAVE been hoarded over the years, a fact of which I was completely unaware until very recently. Only your friend can gauge her children's characters and whether this is likely to be an issue in future.

I know someone who has a younger half brother (her Dad remarried) who was sent to private school and lived with her Dad in another country, she lived with her mother and was not sent to private school and she's still bitter about it and resents her father and brother for it (obviously that wasn't the only issue but she feels her brother was loved more than she was).

The money is a slightly different issue to the education - if the GP's leave their GC money then there's not much the parents can do, they can, however, refuse to send one of their children to private school and not the other (if your friend's DP allows this girl to call him Daddy then he should act as her father, one of my half-brothers is not actually related to me as his mother cheated on my Dad, however my father raised him and will give him equal inheritance when he dies as his biological children will receive). Perhaps your friend's DP could consider formally adopting her DD if that would make the GPs view her as their Granddaughter. My mother considers my Niece as her granddaughter even though they are not biologically related and would never dream of treating her less favourably than her biological grandchildren.

I would not allow my children to be divided like this.

The lump sum thing might be out of the OPs hands but the private schooling.....no way. This kid is being treated like a second class citizen in her own family and that is completely unforgivable imvho. I have a DD whose father doesn't provide for at all, and the thought of her being in this little girl's position in the future makes my blood run cold.

I wouldn't allow my children to be divided like this.

Their relationship with each other will far outlast the grandparents and the parents, assuming the parents don't allow it to be destroyed.

The private schooling would worry me far more than the lump sum. That can be evened up with the parents' wills. But you can't realistically undo an inferior education.

My kids have different trust fund arrangements to my husband's kids because of different grandparents. If we'd had a kid together they would have had another different arrangement. I see no reason for your friend's son to miss out because he has a stepsister.
I'd be very upset if my husband stopped my dad giving my kids money just because he doesn't give it to his kids (who aren't his grandchildren and have their own grandparents). Does that mean the grandparents give the money to the other grandchildren and one grandchild misses out because his dad married a woman with a daughter?
Legally the grandparents can do what they want anyway.
It's not the boy's fault that his stepsister's family aren't interested and his are.

But really it is the GPs decision.

Even if the partner views the daughter as his, he can´t force his parents to do the same.

Wow. I think her DP needs to think about the answer he is going to give to his daughter when she asks him 'how come my brother had a good school and money and I didn't?"
"Well darling, you see you aren't really mine. And he is."
"Oh. Ok daddy. I understand."

Your friend's DP needs to make it clear to his parents that he has chosen his family, and that is her and their children.

Massively divisive of the grandparents to put their biological grandchild in that position. It would be more loving to help the whole family - perhaps a mortgage payment, a holiday fund. Something that would help your friend and her DP free up some of their own income and to make better financial choices for both of their children.

Anything less than IDENTICAL treatment, by adults, of the DCs within a family unit, whoever their natural parents are, is just asking for trouble.

By monetarizing their affection for their DGS the GPs are just underlining the fact that the DS is somehow "theirs" and your friend's DD is just "there". It's totally divisive and shows they don't really accept your friend's DD on any meaningful level. At least they could have tried to be tactful and kept quiet about it until the children were adults? Real generosity is selfless, you don't shout it from the rooftops, especially when a little girl's feelings are at stake. The baby doesn't need to know, nor will he care, that he has a trust fund.

The private school thing is guaranteed to cause a huge rift when the DS is old enough to start school, if this family is still together by then of course .