to not want ds to receive a large lump son when he hits 25 and not dd

[Chloe55]

I am actually asking on behalf of a friend who is going through the rounds of arguments with her dp. She has an 7yr old dd (not her dp's although she calls him daddy etc)and they have recently had a ds. Dp's parents want to set up a bank account for her ds which he can access at 25 - it will be a substantial amount of money.

Friend wants to say thanks but no thanks as she doesn't think it is fair that one of her children recieves this money and his sister gets nothing. She is not saying she wants her dd to be given money but wants dp's parents to be a little more sensitive to her feelings as she will eventually find out.

Her dp has gone up the wall and won't consider letting his ds miss out because her dd's dad and his family want nothing to do with her . He loves his step daughter and treats her as his own but obviously his parents don't really feel that way at the moment which is fine and understandable. I see where he is coming from and I also see where friend is coming from.

Just wondered what others thought about the situation?

It is a shame but these things happen. I got money, my sister got money but my brother did not. Differnt fathers. GP had issues with boys or come crap. Noting anyone could do about it. My sister and I gave money to our brother when he came of age. Maybe the DD will do the same in the future?

You could adjust your own will accordingly maybe? And explain to both DCs, when they're old enough, that DD will be getting a higher percentage from you than DS because DS had the GP's fund thing. It means the DD will have to wait a lot longer, though.

It isn't fair that one child gets so much more than the other, but the grandparents can choose what to do with their own money. If they have done the same or will do the same for other (blood) grandchildren, then it would be unfair not to let your DS have the money. Why should he be treated differently to his cousins, because he happens to have a stepsister?
I do agree that all children should be treated equally, but there comes a limit; your DD could gain some other step-siblings with her father at some point, you surely wouldn't expect the ILs to contribute to their savings as well.
Somebody early on mentioned the (government sponsored) Child Trust Fund, which is what I assumed the thread was about. I suspect this will cause some nasty fallings-out in years to come, if they end up being worth anything.

The main problem with this is how your daughter feels when she inevitably becomes aware of this.have experience of this scenario and it is hurtful and wrong

It's crazy to really expect the GP's to pay for a child that is not their relative. My half brother and sister get lots of support from their GP's but they are their Mothers parents, not our mutual Father's so I would never in a million years expect to recieve the same!

My PIL's would never give money to a child I'd had without DH (if there was one!), they support their Grandchild but wouldn't dream of offering money to someone elses GC.

I think my parents would be the same. Why would they support a child DH had with someone else, that is that child's families responibility not my family.

think the trust fund thing is a non issue compared to the GP's wanting to fund private school for her son.

if they want to help they should be helping the family, not the golden child.

Step families can never be equal though can they, as the kids have other parents, relatives and homes that are unrelated to the one they live in.

I'm a step sister myself and it never crossed my mind that my step brothers GPS (who I barely knew) should treat me the same as they treated the boys. Why would they?

Of course the parents who live in the step family have to treat the kids all equally, but you can't control the differing treatments the kids will get from their own non-resident parents and relatives.

Perhaps the GPS in this OP think that really, it's up to the OPs friends DDs real dad to provide for her, and that it isn't really their fault or business if he hasn't.

My parents gave my brother a lump sum when he was 18 but didn't do the same for me.
As I was just a girl.

It wasn't a massive amount but it hurt.

Its the boys half sister not step sister.

What an awful position to be in. I think this little girl will be very hurt by these actions. Not only do her bio fathers family not want her but neither do her step fathers family. I think she may end up with some serious issues.

If the natural father never sees his daughter, and the new partner wants to treat the little girl as his daughter, then he should adopt her. Then the grandparents and everyone else would be more likely to treat both children equally.

Oh gosh, the poor little DD. I'd be more upset about the education part tbh. I see the GP's point but think they are being spectacularly insensitive.

I'd agree on the education part, unfair for one child to go private and not the other.

On the trust fund size, I think the DP is right to stick up for DS. I dont think they should have to provide for the step-daughter as she is not their grandchild and not their sons child. For all they know, his son could split and they may have no further contact with the step-daughter.

If the daughter was still in contact with her fathers and his side of the family and got double xmas/birthday presents etc would the mother not let her have them for fear of treating the children differently???

I think she's unreasonable, I think they have different grandparents and some children are more fortunate financially than others, even within the same family.

i don't think she should begrudge he grandparents the right to provide for their grandchild if they wish

when they inherit they will both be well and truly adults and hopefully hae their own lives so it won't be as big an issue

just don't let it be a surprise when he does inherit - let her grow up with the fact andd treat it as fact

The way I see it is this.

It would be almost bordering on insanity for the GP to pay for a private education or leave money to a child they are neither biologically related to, nor that their son has any legal rights over.

Their son could get a divorce at any time and would have no rights over the woman's DD. This would leave the GP's paying for a child they may never see again!

Why would they deprive their Grandson and other Grandchildren of anything to provide for a child they have no definte links to?

It is the women's responsibility to provide for her DD, not the parents of the man she is married to. She should not deny her son chances in life because of this, as others have said she would not refuse her DD presents from her Father if he sent them so she should not refuse her son's GP's the chance to help their own Grandchild.

just a thought could partner adopt the op's friends child and then she would legally be his, not sure how any one would feel or it it would be right thing to do

i think it should be repeated that she does not in any way wish for the gps of ds to give any financial support to dd as she is aware that they have no responsibility to the dd, all she feels is that her 2 kids should have the same opportunities as each other and that one having such a big advantage over the other is just unfair ! they live in the same house they have the same "parents" they are being raised in the same way with the same morals and beliefs, the fact that one is biologically related to the gps shouldnt in any way affect them especially in such a significant way !