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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate someone else's child??

65 replies

catinboots · 03/05/2010 14:33

DS1 is 10 and we live in a small rural village. Another boy from down the road often comes and knocks on my door to play with DS. DS doesn't mind playing with him every now and again (most of his school friends live in a different village). The thing is - I cannot stand him. He's one of those kids that is just trouble. When they play together DS often ends up with ripped clothes or broken stuff. DS has done a couple of really stupid and dangerous things when he's been with him that he would never think to do when he's with his school chums.

He doesn't wait to be invited too - he just turns up. I've also heard him swearing and talking about stuff that isn't appropriate for a 10 year old. At this point I just send him home. i would just ban him altogether but the problem is that his mum is my cleaner. And I really like my cleaner!! She's a great cleaner and we get on well. She's a single mum of 4, works bloody hard and has had a really hard time in life. I just couldn't say anything to her her. But everytime her kid turns up my blood starts to boil.

Am I being unreasonable????

OP posts:

mumblechum · 03/05/2010 14:36

Well, apart from the swearing I'd say he sounds like quite a fun kid for your son to be with. Better out falling out of trees than stuck to the xbox, I say.

bronze · 03/05/2010 14:37

I'm with mumble, and the stuff you've heard him talking about he has obviously heard from somewhere. Not fair to completely blame the child. Perhaps hate is too strong a word

usualsuspect · 03/05/2010 14:40

Sounds like a normal 10 year old boy to me

MadamDeathstare · 03/05/2010 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peasontoast · 03/05/2010 14:43

YANBU - just completely unreal. 'school chums' - do you work for the Beano by any chance? Roll on troll.

Original poster

catinboots · 03/05/2010 14:48

I'm all for DS playing outside and going on 'adventures'. Not keen on him going swimming in a busy loch without my knowledge though!!!! Something the other childs mum has no problem with

I do keep them in the garden now - but the play always gets rough. Yesterday I heard blood curtling screams from the trampoline and rushed out there to find the child sitting on DS and pulling his hair.

OP posts:

Original poster

catinboots · 03/05/2010 14:49

peasontoast - WTF why troll??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

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Original poster

catinboots · 03/05/2010 14:50

sorry if my use of language is not to your taste!!!!!!!!!

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mrsboogie · 03/05/2010 14:52

your son is old enough to choose his own friends - if he tires of living life on the edge (of a branch or imminent disaster) he will make up his own mind.

geraldinetheluckygoat · 03/05/2010 14:52

also LOL at "School Chums!" sound to me like you just think he's too rough to play with your boy. Maybe you should work on helping your DS to say no to activities which are dangerous and/or might break stuff. Yes kids are easily led, but it doesnt mean that your kid's going to become a carbon copy of the visiting boy. Encourage your son to use his own judgement, just because this boy does stuff your son's "school chums" wouldn't do, doesn't mean that your son has to do them too. Remind them not to do dangerous stuff/swear/ whatever when he comes round.
Or tell him not to come around at all, but your son is going to encounter this kind of thing more and more as he gets older, so maybe it will be a good eye opener for all of you and a good way to learn about how people are all different.
how dangerous are we talking, btw? Before I advocate setting fire to the community centre or something...

cory · 03/05/2010 14:59

As for the language- don't be totally surprised if this is the kind of language that your own ds is using when he is out of earshot. It may just be that this little boy hasn't realised your views on the subject.

I have never heard a rude word from my own 9yo, but he did confide to me the other day that he does swear when he is in the company of other children who do- but wouldn't dream of doing it in my presence or in the presence of other adults who might get upset.

I told him that as long as he is sure of his audience, then it is up to him what; language he uses: some people, such as myself, would avoid certain expressions anyway, in my case because of my Christian beliefs, but as I know he doesn't share those, that would be up to him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/05/2010 15:00

Hate does seem a very strong term under the circumstances you've described. If he'd got your boy hooked on drugs or in trouble with the police I could see it, but not what you've detailed in your OP.

It used to be considered normal to turn up at other children's doors and ask "Can X come out to play please Mrs X-mum?" - not sure when it became the norm to be 'invited'.

Swearing - my DS (11) has heard the full range in the playground by now (and undoubtedly overheard me ). He knows not to use such language around us, but I'm sure he'll occasionally uses it with his friends. I know I've pulled up a few of his friends in this house for saying 'damn' , nice boys every one of them. They're "trainee adults" - they're learning what language to use, when; they're bound to push the boundaries now and then just to establish where they are. Just reprimand him when he does it, he'll learn.

And I'd have to know more about what you consider 'really stupid and dangerous' before I could comment. Ripped clothing seems OK to me for a 10 year old, much better than them veg'ing out in front of a screen.

Original poster

catinboots · 03/05/2010 15:01

No not too rough - just a bloody pain who I have to keep my eye on all the time. DS is certainly not an angel - and he has been taught to know better. But when he gets caught smashing bottles in the local farmyard and swimming in the loch and climbing on the roof of the garage - it's been with this particular kid each time

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Original poster

catinboots · 03/05/2010 15:04

Whereyouleftit - i wouldn't mind if the ripped clothing was just from playing out. But its from tough play fighting that often gets out of hand. Once I had him to stay because his mum was going out. Him and DS had an arguement and he jumped out of a window and ran off into the village at 10pm. I had to drive round looking for him and bring him back

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WhereYouLeftIt · 03/05/2010 15:12

What did you say to his mum after that incident?

Eurostar · 03/05/2010 15:14

I find it best not to let one's children associate with the offspring of one's servants.

geraldinetheluckygoat · 03/05/2010 15:16

ok, he does sound a bit of a pain, and the things you describe do sound a bit dangerous. But I still think you need to be firmer with your own son. I wouldnt want mine smashing bottles in other people's yard, either, its unacceptable. Perhaps someone has some good advice about how you can help your ds to walk away when things like that and play fighting or arguments get out of hand. Good to learn this now rather than in a couple of years when there could be more serious things to be tempted into joining in with.

Original poster

catinboots · 03/05/2010 15:16

I just told her what happened and she was really apologetic

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Dizzeee · 03/05/2010 15:20

Hate is a really really strong emotion to feel about a child, who really has done no more than a bit of roustabouting, which surely is to be expected.

Do you really actually feel hate for him?

Original poster

catinboots · 03/05/2010 15:21

geraldine - good point. Advice needed on how to teach DS not to be such a sheep as you are right - it will cause him problems in later life. He is the same in class with chatting/messing about etc. Always blames the other person

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ihearthuckabees · 03/05/2010 15:21

YANBU, and I'm surprised at how many people are defending the other kid's behaviour as 'normal 10-year-old stuff'. Also can see how people might say your DS will have to learn to say no, but I think it's a bit unrealistic to put all the responsibility on your DS's shoulders. His friend sounds quite pushy - especially as sitting on him and pulling your DS's hair seems to be how he gets his way.

I would ration how much DS is allowed to play with this friend. And keep within sight too, as you're doing, but i sympathise. The whole situation sounds really annoying/stressful.

Original poster

catinboots · 03/05/2010 15:22

Dizzee - maybe hate is too strong a word.. I actively dislike him though...

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Original poster

catinboots · 03/05/2010 15:23

Thankyou iheart. Think people are misinterprating my OP as snobby which it wasn't meant to be at all

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geraldinetheluckygoat · 03/05/2010 15:27

Does he actually want to go about with the boy, or is he just sort of going along with it? If not, just tell the boy ds is not coming out, if so then could you make them stay around the house, or would that be really annoying? (dont have ten year olds! sorry if this is crap advice)

ihearthuckabees · 03/05/2010 15:31

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