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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate someone else's child??

65 replies

catinboots · 03/05/2010 14:33

DS1 is 10 and we live in a small rural village. Another boy from down the road often comes and knocks on my door to play with DS. DS doesn't mind playing with him every now and again (most of his school friends live in a different village). The thing is - I cannot stand him. He's one of those kids that is just trouble. When they play together DS often ends up with ripped clothes or broken stuff. DS has done a couple of really stupid and dangerous things when he's been with him that he would never think to do when he's with his school chums.

He doesn't wait to be invited too - he just turns up. I've also heard him swearing and talking about stuff that isn't appropriate for a 10 year old. At this point I just send him home. i would just ban him altogether but the problem is that his mum is my cleaner. And I really like my cleaner!! She's a great cleaner and we get on well. She's a single mum of 4, works bloody hard and has had a really hard time in life. I just couldn't say anything to her her. But everytime her kid turns up my blood starts to boil.

Am I being unreasonable????

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 03/05/2010 15:36

school chums + the intorudction of the mother as her cleaner = wind up

Original poster

catinboots · 03/05/2010 15:39

piss off then if you think its a wind up

OP posts:

Original poster

catinboots · 03/05/2010 15:40

I've got better things to do with my time then make up things to post on MN!!!!

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/05/2010 15:42

Don't know about anybody else but I didn't find your OP snobby, catinboots.

If it's any help, my DS has one friend who is a little like this boy. He was pulled in to the headmaster's room twice last year (when they were 10), both incidents this boy was the ringleader. A couple of times when the boy was here, some stuff got damaged - thoughtlessness and lack of consideration for other people's property rather than maliciousness, imo. Not in the same league as what you describe. And he was more into rough play than DS.

Anyway, the friendship cooled naturally. DS wasn't keen on being in trouble at school, we pointed out to him he didn't have to do what this friend asked him to do. They're still friends, just not so close and DS rarely asks if he can invite this friend over now. I've even suggested inviting him over, because he seems to have calmed a bit himself.

The loch thing would have bothered me, DS is not a strong swimmer.

peasontoast · 03/05/2010 15:51

Why not invite the school chums over to give the urchin a damn good thrashing? Then you could all sit down to a slap-up tea with lashings of pop. Job done.

Original poster

catinboots · 03/05/2010 16:07

What's your problem??? You wouldn't like it if I took the piss out of you for using the word 'mate' instead of 'chum'. Everyone is different. Get over it.

OP posts:

Drusilla · 03/05/2010 16:22

You know that YAB totally U. Did you discipline your son when he went swimming in the loch?

Original poster

catinboots · 03/05/2010 16:25

Yes he got in serious shit.

OP posts:

oldandgreynow · 03/05/2010 16:30

You don't think your DS likes hanging out with him because he can do what he wants safe in teh knowledge that your cleaner's son will be the scapegoat.

RedBlueRed · 03/05/2010 16:39

Have you tried taking him under your wing a bit, if it is a small village and there are not a lot of other play mates would it be worth encouraging the friendship under more positive circumstances?

You could look at doing something constructive with the two of them?

I understand what you mean about disliking another child but you can't choose your childs friends.

FranSanDisco · 03/05/2010 16:42

I don't think YABU. Its amazing how many people jump to the defense of a child they have never met. Perhaps they bring out the worst in each other. I wouldn't be encouraging the friendship. If this upset his mum then so be it. I'd clean my own house.

cazinski · 03/05/2010 17:10

Oh here we go...some mumsnetters are unbelievable. Why is she a troll??? FGS...

OP, YANBU, the boy sounds like a little shitbag to be honest, and I certainly wouldn't have my kids knocking around him. Sure, some kids can be a handful and come home with their clothes ripped occasionally, but what you're describing is not normal 10 year behaviour.

I haven't got any constructive advice to give you, apart from try and keep your distance if you can. I wanted to stick up for you really...

Original poster

catinboots · 03/05/2010 17:16

thanks cazinski

OP posts:

piratecat · 03/05/2010 17:21

if child is a shitbag then tell child off when within earshotof you, or in your garden, he may not be aware of what a shitbag he is, and may need a bit of an earful.

every little helps.

MadamDeathstare · 03/05/2010 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 03/05/2010 17:42

I agree with Geraldine. I think your own DS needs to learn how to assert himself. Developing into someone who can be led by the nose is not a good thing.

Maybe your DS is enthralled by the kind of fun this other boy likes because it goes against the sort of things you seem to value -- maybe he relishes the opportunity to play roughly and get his clothes torn? Do you disapprove too much of the dirt and torn clothes?

Trespassing, vandalism, and swimming alone and unsupervised are in a different league from getting clothes torn or mucky -- I would encourage the latter and very much discourage the former. There's a difference between dangerous and dirty.

It's not nice to see a habit of blaming the other child developing either, as seems to be happening wrt messing around in class, but you seem to be doing the same thing here.

How assertive are you when the other child breaks house rules and swears when he's there playing? Do you put your foot down or fume in silence? Are you showing your child how to behave by your own example?

Callisto · 03/05/2010 17:47

I'm loving the inverse snobbery on this thread just because OP used the word 'chums'. I quite often call my DD's friends chums and I have a cleaner, I guess I must be an aristocrat too then.

Catinboots - no ideas to help you, just wanted to show support for a fellow 'chum' user (iyswim).

Original poster

catinboots · 03/05/2010 18:03

I never realised it was such a crime to have a cleaner when you work full time !!

mathanxiety I definatley don't disapprove of mucky/messy play!! I am a very mucky/messy horsey girl myself so dirt and torn clthes don't bother me. It's just the rough play that causes it that does bother me. And I like to think that both DH and I are firm with DS. I'm not passing the buck to the other child. As I said, DS is certainly no angel. But these incidents have all happened when he's with this particular child.

OP posts:

reallytorn · 03/05/2010 18:04

YANBU at all, I wouldn't allow them to play together tbh, even if it means the loss of your cleaner. I am really surprised at the responses you are getting saying that is normal behaviour? Even more surprised at people suggesting this is a troll? Can't see why. Good luck, it does sound like quite a pain...

geraldinetheluckygoat · 03/05/2010 18:18

I took the piss out of Chums, sorry Catinboots, it was out of order. I hope you get this sorted, what do you think you will do?

OnlyWantsOne · 03/05/2010 18:21

set some ground rules - and get on with it

Original poster

catinboots · 03/05/2010 19:28

geraldine - no worries

Am just going to limit time spent together and keep them closely supervised! Will also have another talk with DS.

OP posts:

nickschick · 03/05/2010 19:32

I think you are being unreasonable.

Trust me before hes 16 you will realise that you dont like several of his friends but its hos choice not yours.

He doesnt sound too bad to me.

geraldinetheluckygoat · 03/05/2010 19:38

good plan, good luck, I think I would do the same...and will think back to this when I am disliking my own ds's friends in secret too

Mamalade · 03/05/2010 20:41

Catinboots,posting can be a minefield (as you've discovered!).You poor thing.I'm in your corner.(shaking my pearls in support ).

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