to wonder why so many people don't get married before having DCs?

[EveWasFramed]

I promise, this isn't meant to be judgemental!! But, my DH and I grew up in pretty traditional families, where you got married first BEFORE having kids...it was kind of a negative thing to do otherwise.

I wanted to get married before my DCs just because I thought there should be some kind of (legal) committment to make it more difficult for one of us to bugger off if we got fed up...if kind of 'makes' us work things out if we ever run into any problems.

Don't know...thoughts, please? I am curious...

I wanted to be married before kids and luckily it all worked out that way. We were together 6 years before marriage then had our 2 dc. We have been together 11 years.
We wanted things to be easily sorted in the event of death...very practical

I have friends who had kids before getting married and others who are planning kids but not even thinking about it. Each to their own.

Marriage has never really had any great attraction to me.

I'd marry dp because i love him but it wouldn't make me love him any more or make our commitment to each other any stronger so for the time being we have better things to spend money on.

When we do get married it'll be a private ceremony with just us and the kids, it won't change anything about our day to day lives, my name won't change and the dcs already have his

"Proper order and much better system, here if unmarried, I can pop down fred flinstone on baby's birth cert and it doesnt make a blind bit of difference. Ridiculous. An unmarried father can become legal guardian, but only by court order or voluntary statutory declaration made my child's mother but has no legal right to either of these anyway."

BLK... if you're in Ireland that's not actually true

I couldn't put dp's name on the birth certs without him present. However you're right in that if we are not married he has no legal rights over the children (although i have yet to come across a situation where this in enforced, and in fact to apply for their passports he has to sign the forms too)

WOW! Thank you all for your responses...I am really glad I asked (and just for the record, I don't think that posting something in AIBU=being judgemental).

Again, I grew up in a rather conventional family, and did get married very conventionally, but I am not really a conventional type, and I don't like narrow mindedness, which is what I was feeling before I finally decided to just ask!!

So, I just wanted the other side to things...not being quaint, not being judgemental or smug, just really wanted a more balanced view, and to break away from that traditional way of thinking.

The range of answers is really interesting...which I didn't expect!

Even getting married on the cheap is expensive.
We could get married on a Wednesday with minimal guests and go to MacDonalds for a reception & I could wear clothes I have already, have no flowers and get a £5 ring.
BUT that would still come in at a couple of £100, which is cash we don't have.
Also, that to me takes away and 'speacialness' of the wedding day. If and when I ever get married to my DP I want it to be a special, fun day, not done on the "cheap".

I certainly do not feel insecure about DP leaving me with our children and 'buggering off', indeed I think that our traditional upbringings from stable families and our mutual respect from one another would hopefully prevent him from leaving me high and dry.

I have already forgotten everything I wanted to say after reading all 4 pages

So in summary, 17 years together, very much planned and long awaited dc. No desire ever to be married. For me it doesn't mean anything, but I can see that for some it does.

We have covered all the legal stuff (parental responsibility, wills, house, life insurance) in case we separate or anything happens to one of us.

My parents divorced when I was young and I always said I would never get married. I met dh,who's parents were also divorced, we had dd1 then we started thinking well maybe we should get married, so we did, little wedding, abroad, just us and dd1.

We've now been together 16 years and married for 8. There are times when I think we should have done it all the right way round, got married, bought the house, had the children, we now have two dd's, but at the end of the day does it really matter what order it's done in?

Not being married doesn't mean you are not committed. I wouldn't be with DP if I wasn't sure he wanted to stay with me forever. We have been together 13 years, have a mortgage, joint bank account (and no indiv. one), life insurance, wills... and 2 planned kids. Even that is pretty hard to just walk away from and I am glad to say that as we are totally devoted to each other I don't think he will just 'bugger off' My parents were married - didn't stop them screwing it up and divorcing. Happy as we are - marriage won't change anything.

You're right, Brambly...I am as happy being married to DH as I was when we were living together...I don't think marriage SHOULD change things. BUT...it seems like, if you're living as a married couple, with everything that goes along with that, then what's the difference between having the legality/formality/etc... and not having it, IYSWIM??

DP has parental resp as kids born since 2003

Widows benefit - not too bothered about this

Inheritance tax - at the moment we do not have nearly enough assets - if we ever get stage where we do and one of us risks losing the house because of it then yes, we may marry then.

Capital gains - not relevant to us

I naively think that DP and I will sort things out between us if we ever split up as we are both good, decent people and we have discussed it before, including things like my loss of income while looking after children, maintenance issues etc. Hopefully I never need to find out if this happens. When my parents split up my mother was a bit of a cow and totally screwed my father over by claiming he was mentally abusing her (she actually had an affair). My father was so gentle and din't want any fuss but he was so hurt. My mother got everything. I don't see that being married protected my dad in any way.

Getting married for this kind of protection seems a very negative reason.

Dp and I made a bigger commitment to one another when we decided to have a child together than some peice of paper ever does. I was married before and as far as I am concerned it made no difference at all when I decided to leave because I didn't love my ex and a marriage certificate made no damn difference at all even afetr 11 years.
The reason we haven't got married is simple it IS to do with money. I am a New Zealander living over here. I DO NOT want my second wedding to be like my last in a registry office with no family and little celebration. I want my family to be there, I want them to celebrate with me. There is no way I can afford for my mother, father, 7 siblings their partners and many neices and nephews to get here just as much as they can't afford it either. And if we have it in New zealand we have exactly the same problem with dp's family.
Maybe when we win the lottery...

Yes, Brambly, but not everyone gets married for the protection...it's just one benefit, I suppose, but it's not a reason, really.

I can understand the family aspect, nzshar...I think things would have felt a lot different for DH and I if his family couldn't have travelled to be with us in the US when we got married...

Also, I don't consider marriage 'a piece of paper'...lots of you have said that, and it's as dismissive of a marriage as some of you think I've been about your non-married status!

But I have been both married and co-habiting so do not think it is an arrogant or ignorant comment. When I got married I DID think of it as "just a peice of paper". I can only say what it felt like to ME, if you take offence to that I am sorry but it is my opinion.

I really cannot face it. For many reasons.

Oh, and Mamasparkle, he did indeed do the full romantic proposal - with diamond ring, in the rain, at Breton stone circle, the full yada yada yada - and no, far from gasping with amazed surprise and bursting into tears I went into minor shock, looked utterly aghast and said you want me to do what and how much did that damn thing cost????

I have fobbed him off by wearing the ring - it is a very nice ring, and he is a very nice man - but really, cannot face it. It's been three years since his proposal now. Every so often he points out morosely that I haven't married him yet.

Also I would quite possibly be referred to as a Wife, and that would be quite sickening.

nzshar...YOU didn't offend me, per se...and if that's how you saw it for yourself, fair enough. It just kind of rubbed me the wrong way...I don't view marriage as 'just a piece of paper'...just like cohabitating couples don't think they are merely just 'splitting the rent'. That's all...

motherinferior...your response caught me off guard for some reason...the thought of marriage sickens you, being a wife sickens you, you are outraged by a proposal by a 'very nice man'...do you actually want to be with him at all? (or is that a whole other thread? )

Marriage is fine if you have a faith which expects it and considers you to be committing a sin if you live together unmarried. Otherwise ther is no reason at all to marry.

Er, what about my post suggests that I don't want to be with my partner? Or that I was 'outraged' by his proposal? I can't face being married. I don't like the associations, the terminology, the whole sentimental assumption of Togetherness for Life (in the face of all the statistical evidence). He is a lovely bloke. But no, I don't want to get married. And I certainly didn't expect a proposal.

haven't read thread, but wanted to respond:

"I thought there should be some kind of (legal) committment to make it more difficult for one of us to bugger off if we got fed up"

the children are our commitment to one another, not just a symbol, or a contract, but a solid fact
they make it more difficult for one of us to bugger off if we got fed up - being married would not make a jot of difference in that case - in fact being married would make it EASIER to bugger off IMO, as i would be legally entitled to a lot more than i am now

like thisisyesterday our first baby was an accident

we both came from two sets of miserable marriages ending in divorce

we have 'outlived' both our parental relationships despite not having the 'receipt'
we have 6 kids now and by the way its me not him who doesn't want it.
Why mend what's not broken?
commitment for us is child not church

I'm so surprised by the OP's bemusement. I come at it from completely the other side - why get married at all?

I can understand that people do because of reasons of faith; I appreciate also that some people feel the need to make a public commitment and/or enjoy the whole throwing a party bit. But these reasons don't apply to lots of people.

We only got married becasue I know it makes things easier legally if one of us was seriously ill/died (of which unfortunately I have had experience in my family). We already had two children when we got married and our third arrived two years later. I really see no need at all to be married - it means nothing, though my family are everything to me (and I come from what you would call a 'traditional' background).

Not bemused, just wanted some perspective.

Star - dp and I filled out a 'standard' will thing - cost a couple of hundred and took 5 minutes of our time and solicitor a bit more ( hopefully for that price!)

Jobs a good 'un